Chapter 36

Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had called her, and feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan again. She was happier that he had called; she'd given him Melissa's number but hadn't really expected him to.

He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he told her. He had lost the directions. Jen wondered if she would have slept with Kasey instead of Matt if he had showed up. Well, she was sure she wouldn't have slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still.

Why had she slept with Matt? She remembered some sentimental feelings that he had a crush on her, but now what she had been thinking was growing even fuzzier and fuzzier by the day of course, not that it had ever been clear. It would have been so much different if it had been Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was relieved he hadn't gone to the party, though she kept telling herself she wished he had. Because if it had been Kasey instead, she wouldn't have been in charge, and maybe that was what she wanted. She just wanted to take him, like he was the girl and she was the guy. It had been wonderful though, physically, and the fact that it wasn't Ryan added a whole new dimension. A whole new world opened up to her.

She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't exactly; it had hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted. But it wasn't like she had used him like that. Plus, she knew, he had gotten what he wanted. Maybe they had used each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just because we did it didn't mean I used him. It just happened, she thought, we both got pleasure out of it, and that's that.

She pushed away any guilty feelings, telling herself that people had casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't she? Why should she have to deal with love all the time? Sex was a natural thing, and humans were animals, and animals did each other all the time without dealing with love.

She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She felt so free; now that she was "single" she felt like she had been released from something, something which she kept telling herself was false and detrimental.

He was different from Ryan, that's for certain. And he liked her too. She hadn't ever pictured herself going out with someone like him. He was popular at his school, she knew, but he wasn't into sports nor really ambitious and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even made an attempt to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told him what had happened. At first she was sort of annoyed that he didn't seem to care, but then she was happy about it. After all, did she want a guy who was so hot-tempered he flew off the handle at every little thing? Of course not.

His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she didn't fit in and they knew she didn't. He had said he was going to a show that weekend, and she wondered if she was invited. She'd have to get something to wear of course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city.

She mentioned it when she showed up at his house. There were a few other people there, and he just shrugged, saying who knew what they would do. His friends looked over at her, and she felt stupid, like it was obvious they never planned things in advance. She thought about it, and decided that was the right attitude. After all, spontaneity was fun, planning was anal. Relax, Jen, she told herself.

They passed around a joint, and she did relax.