Chapter 34

Ryan thought about his options. He was furious, first of all. But he was slowly and painfully beginning to accept that Jen wasn't coming back to him. Part of him couldn't acknowledge that, and that's the part that wanted to kill Mitch. He'd fucking hit her! He couldn't believe it. The other half was telling him she wanted him out of her life.

She had been right, he hadn't realized the extent of what he had done. That was why he just assumed she would forgive him. He replayed it over and over in his mind, trying to black out his words and replace them with the right ones. But he couldn't, he couldn't ever take them back.

What Jen had said at Dana's party was just now sinking in, and Mitch hitting her made him realize for the first time the extent of what he had done. It made him feel worse, and hate himself more. He wondered if she still would rather go out with Mitch than Ryan. After all, she'd said that if he had hit her, it would have hurt her less. What could he do? She hates me, he thought. I did blow it.

Maybe he could at least call her? Not like he was trying to get back with her. Just to say he'd heard what had happened, and he felt bad for her and he hoped she felt better. Like he would for any girl he knew. Would she hang up on me? he wondered. He knew she might.

He was planning on doing it, but he was too nervous. It's too soon, he thought. I'll do it tomorrow.

He was horrified when he first found out that she'd slept with the freshman. He'd cried for hours. Then he was angry, and he took it out physically on Matt. He hated him, of course, besides. But he knew he didn't rape her, even if he had to tell himself he did so he could hit him harder.

He knew it was Jen's way of hurting him, even if she didn't realize that herself. It had worked, nothing could have been worse then her sleeping with another guy, not after what they'd been through. He hadn't ever imagined they could break up. He loved her more than anything, more every day, even though she hated him.

His family tried to cheer him up. But they were mad at him too, especially his dad, even though they tried not to show it. His brothers didn't know why she'd left him, but his parents did. Josh had told his dad, big mouth. His dad was furious at Ryan, for his disgusting behavior. It just made Ryan feel worse, and his dad didn't say much to him. He only asked him if he would ever treat a girl that way again. Ryan said never. His dad said he'd figured he learned his lesson.

Maybe he should just call her anyway. He stared at the phone, remembering when he could count on talking to her every night. If he hadn't called her by nine, she would always call him. I took her for granted, he thought.

But he called her anyway. He hadn't ever taken her number off speed-dial on his phone. His heart pounded in his ears as it rang.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi... "

She paused. "Hi."

"Um, it's Ryan... "

"I know who it is."

"Oh, well, how are you?"

"Fine," she told him.

"That's good. I-I heard about what happened, with that Mitch guy... I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Well, don't worry about it."

"I-I wasn't! I mean, I just wanted to see if you were okay... "

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Gonna have a fat lip, but that's about it."

"Well, it could have been worse."

"Yeah, you're right. He could have gone out with me for three years then told me to fuck off," she said sarcastically.

He couldn't think of anything to say. He was about to say that he never said that, but he knew he had, without words. She was still so angry at him. "I'm sorry," he said, even though he knew it wouldn't help.

"Yeah, so am I." The way she said it he knew she was sorry he'd done it, not sorry she hadn't forgiven him. Or maybe sorry she'd ever met him.

"Well, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay... "

"Yeah, I am."

"Maybe I'll see you later?"

"Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. We can't be friends, we can't! Don't you know that?"

"Well, yeah, but... I don't know, maybe... "

"No. There's just no way. It's just impossible."

He paused. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Yeah... You have some stuff over here by the way."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, sadly. He knew he did, he'd practically lived at her house. Getting his stuff seemed so final.

"Yeah. Some notebooks. And your black baseball hat, and some other clothes. I don't care when you pick them up," she said coldly.

"Oh. Okay, I-I'll get them sometime soon. I promise."

She didn't say anything. His last two words hung in the silence, "I promise... "

He tried not to cry. "Bye," he muttered.

She hung up.

He slowly hung up himself. He lay back down on his bed, staring at his books. He opened them, feeling numb, but he couldn't study. What was he going to do now? He had friends, but he'd just lost the best one he'd ever had. It was like a part of him had been ripped out. He felt hollow inside.

He reflected some more, something he'd been doing all the time lately. He tried to push the memories out of his mind, but he couldn't.

A knock came on his door.

"Come in," he sighed, picking up his book again.

Will came in. "Hi," he said glumly. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just studying."

His brother sat at his desk. "I need some advice about girls," he said.

Ryan didn't say anything. His brothers came to him all the time for advice, but they had pretty much left him alone since Jen had left him.

"Well since- are you busy?"

"No. I'm probably not the best guy to ask though," he sighed. "What's the matter?"

"Well, you know Andie? Well I don't think she likes me anymore. I mean this other guy, Travis, likes her too. And she talks to him in class all the time and they passed a note today. What should I do? I love her a lot."

"Will, you don't know anything about love," Ryan said disgustedly. "You're only ten!"

"Yes I do!" His face crumpled. Ryan felt bad. Will was as much of a mama's boy as Ryan had been, "wearing his heart on his sleeve," as their dad said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just, I don't know. Well, who does she like?"

He shrugged. "I don't know! Alex told her I still liked her but she said she didn't know who she liked. It's not fair. How can I get her to still go with me?"

Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "You can't. I mean you just have to make it so she wants to go out with you."

"How do I do that?"

"Treat her nice. And just hope that she doesn't like anyone else better."

Will paused. "Did Jen like someone else better?" he asked quietly.

Ryan looked at him sharply. Will sat there at his desk, sitting on his hands, looking at him seriously. He looked just like Ryan, everybody said so. And he acted like him too. He looked up to him a lot, and emulated him. Ryan looked down at his hands.

"No," he said.

"Why'd she leave then? Did you treat her bad?"

Ryan paused, then nodded. "Yeah, I treated her bad. Badly," he corrected.

"What did you do?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'll tell you one day maybe... "

"Are you sad?" he asked pensively.

He shrugged sadly, but nodded.

"Maybe she'll come back," Will said brightly. "Maybe if you say you're sorry?"

"I already did," he sighed. "It's no use. She's not gonna come back."

Will nodded, thinking.

"See, that's what happens when you're a dick. So be nice!"

"Oh, I will! I always try to be."

"Good."

Will stood up. "You wanna go play basketball?" he asked, trying to cheer him up.

Ryan shook his head. "Nah, I can't. I have to study." Actually he just wanted to feel sorry for himself.

"Okay," said Will. "I'll ask Robby. See you later!" he said brightly, leaving.

Ryan lay back down, remembering how much Jen loved his brothers.

He remembered one time a month or so back, Will had asked a girl, Andie, to the movies, and her parents were going to drive them. His whole family had teased him about "the date," and Jen was delighted.

But she took one look at Will in Ryan's bathroom and refused to let him out of the house like that. He'd completely saturated his hair with gel and hair spray, and had "bathed himself in cologne" according to Jen.

"No, no, no," she'd told him. "Get into the shower."

"No!" he'd protested. "Why?"

"Will! No! You canNOT go out looking like that."

"Why not?" he asked, insulted.

"Well, for one thing... " she began, touching his hair. "Your hair is completely petrified. It probably weighs eight pounds."

"Well I just wanna look nice," he whined, looking crushed.

"I know," she told him. "And you do. But you just look like you're trying too hard... "

"Really?"

"Yeah! You gotta look casual."

"How do I do that?"

"I'll help you," she smiled at him in the mirror. "First get in the shower and wash your hair two or three times and scrub all the cologne off. And use conditioner! Don't worry, you'll be ready in time."

He hesitated. "Okay... "

"Aright. Get in the shower," she told him, and began rifling through the drawers for hair supplies.

"You have to leave!" Will wailed. "You can't look!"

"Oh, sorry!" she told him, surprised. "But hurry up!" She left, and Ryan had been shaking his head at her while Will locked the door behind her.

"I need some good hair stuff," she told him. "We can't let Will out of the house looking anything less than stunning."

He kissed her. "Ask my mom. She probably has some stuff."

She came back with an armful of supplies, a hair dryer, combs, and bottles of stuff to "stunnify" Will, as Ryan put it.

He stood in the doorway, amused, and watched her go to work on Will, who was standing in front of the mirror clad in only pants.

"See," she told him, "the key is, less is more, got it?" She combed a tiny amount of mousse into his wet hair. He frowned at his appearance in the mirror.

"Don't worry!" she told him. "I promise you'll be ready in time!"

Jen dried his hair with the screeching blow dryer, while Ryan caught her eye in the mirror, giving her a smile. Will began to smile at his reflection as his hair dried, shining in the light.

She combed it, letting it part naturally. "Close your eyes," she instructed, spraying the tiniest mist of hair spray on. "There we go," she smiled at him.

"What should I wear?" he asked, starting to leave.

"No, you're not done in here yet," she told him. "Up!" she instructed.

He giggled as she sprayed deodorant on his naked armpits. "Are your teeth brushed?" she asked.

"No, not yet."

"Brush your teeth. So, are you gonna kiss her?"

"I don't know!" he responded, looking flustered.

"Will! You gotta kiss her. If you don't she's gonna think you don't like her!"

"But what if she doesn't want me to kiss her?" he whined.

"I bet she does. I bet you that every girl in your class would love for you to kiss them," said Jen, wrapping her arms around Will as they both looked in the mirror.

"Really? But I've never kissed a girl before... I don't know how!"

"That's okay. It's easy. Ryan, comere... " Ryan stood in front of her, so Will could see. "Show Will how to kiss a girl," she ordered, smiling at him as they looked into each other's eyes.

"Okay," he agreed, smiling back. "You should ask her first if you can, if you don't know," he told Will. "Then if she says yes," he said, still looking into Jen's eyes. "Then you look deep into her eyes, and lean in" he leaned in "and close your eyes" he closed his eyes "and touch her lips lightly with your lips," he murmured softly, kissing her gently. He pulled back. "Then you pull back. And maybe you kiss her again... " he added, leaning in and giving her another kiss. She smiled at him.