Chapter 33

Matt sat on his parents bed, staring at the phone. He'd been planning on calling Jen. He kept telling himself he could call her. Now he was chickening out again. But it wasn't like she hated him, he told himself. They did have some sort of relationship. They had slept together, and still talked to each other.

Okay, now, he thought. He picked up the phone and dialed her number. He knew it by heart.

She picked up instantly. "Hello?"

"Jen? Hi, it's Matt... You know, from track?"

"Yeah, I know who you are," she sort of laughed. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Talking on the phone actually... "

"Oh yeah?" Did she mean to me? he wondered.

"Yeah. But I'm glad you called," she told him.

"Oh, thanks... Who are you talking to?" he asked, curious.

"Oh, just this guy... "

His heart sank. "Oh."

"I've been trying to get off with him for ever. Can you hold on?"

"Sure." He heard the click as she went back to the other line, then a minute later she clicked back. He heard another click as the other line hung up.

"So, what's up?" she asked him.

"Oh, nothing much... "

"Yeah, same here. I was doing my homework when the guy called."

"Oh. Do you have to go?" he asked her, disappointed.

"No, I don't have to go."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yeah... "

Silence. He couldn't think of anything to say. His mind swam. "So who were you talking to before?" He cringed, now it sounded like he was jealous, or possessive, or nosy, or...

"Oh, just this guy, Mitch. I don't know him that well. He's kind of annoying actually."

"Really? Does he go to our school?"

"Nah, he goes to school with Ryan. That's how I met him."

"Oh, are they friends?" He asked even though he didn't want to talk about Ryan.

"Kinda. Not really though. I don't know. Anyway since me and him broke up Mitch thinks he's my fucking best friend."

Matt was surprised. Jen sounded really annoyed. "Really? What, does he call you all the time?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's nice and all, but I don't want to go out with him, you know? And I guess maybe he thinks I do. I don't know, we talked a bunch, and I told him a lot of personal stuff. Maybe 'cause I needed someone to talk to. You ever do that?"

"Yeah," he said, even though he hadn't really.

"Well anyway he calls me too much and he like, gets all upset if I say I have to go. But oh well. So how are you?"

"I'm good. The same."

"That's good. God, it seemed like this year just started, huh? But there's only a couple of months left."

"Yeah, I know. It's gone so fast."

"I can't believe I'm almost graduating. High school will be over. It's so scary, it hasn't seemed like four years at all. Maybe one year. It goes too fast."

"Yeah, I know! Where are you gonna go?"

"Oh, I don't know yet. I haven't heard back from all the schools I've applied to. I don't know... "

"Oh... " He couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'm glad you called, you know... "

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah! You know, I'm really sorry about what happened. I wish we could have gotten to know each other in a different way."

"No, it's not that bad. But I know what you mean."

"Yeah, I just feel really bad. I feel guilty."

"You shouldn't! I'm serious!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But you regret it," he told her suddenly, admitting it to himself.

"Well, I wouldn't say I regret it regret it... I mean, I wish it wasn't like that. I was drunk, and on the rebound, you know? So I wish that could have been different... "

"Yeah, I know."

"You regret it though?"

"Regret it?" he asked in amazement. "It was the best fucking night of my life!" he told her, laughing.

"Matt! Really?" she asked, flattered.

"Uh, yeah." He added seriously, "But I guess I do regret the other stuff that came with it... "

"Ryan... "

"Well, yeah. And you... " he told her, his heart racing.

"Me? What about me?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know. Now it's awkward I guess. And it hurts, that you don't like me," he told her suddenly.

"Matt... " she said. "I told you, I'm sorry. I am. I'm so sorry... "

He didn't say anything, trying not to cry.

"I am. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," he said. "I know that. Nah, don't worry about it, really. I'll be okay."

"No, I mean it! I like you Matt, really."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! It wouldn't have been so nice, it if weren't for you... "

"Huh? What, you liked it?" he asked shyly.

She laughed. "Yeah, you know I did... You know, you were a fantastic lover, Matt," she told him seriously.

"Really?" he asked, delighted. "You thought so?"

"Yeah, not that I've had so many or anything. But that's not what I meant I guess. I mean, because you cared about me I guess... "

"I did... I do!"

"Yeah, I mean, that's why it was so nice. If you hadn't wanted more, it would have hurt me a lot. 'Cause I don't go around having sex with every guy, you know? But that's why I feel bad, because I can't give you more. But I needed you to want more, for me. Isn't that selfish?"

He was quiet, thinking. "I don't know, maybe."

"Well I'm sorry. I hope you don't like, resent me or anything one day."

"Oh, I won't! I could never resent you, Jen."

"Really? Thanks."

"No problem," he told her.

He talked to her for awhile longer, half an hour maybe. Not about anything too serious. When they finally hung up he was so happy, relieved. He could safely say he was friends with her. He wanted to be there for her, like she needed.

Matt thought it was funny, how his moods were always changing. One minute he was so happy, then the next he was miserable. Like he went to bed so thrilled that night after he had talked to Jen on the phone, but the next night he was sad. He had tried to talk to her that day but she was different.

She's embarrassed to be seen with me, he thought painfully. That must be it. He had sat with her as she and Carrie talked about Kasey and Mitch, and how Mitch called her all the time and Kasey never did. She thought Mitch was weird, and that Ryan had thought he did steroids. She wasn't really telling Matt any of this stuff, he was just sitting there, hoping to be a part of the conversation. But after awhile he felt like he was eavesdropping, and he got up and walked away without saying anything. He didn't think she even noticed.