Chapter 30

Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember what possessed him to say that shit to Jen. She was right, he was different around some of his friends, Darius among them. He felt like the biggest jackass on the planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to have his baby, and he'd never see his child, or Jen, again. She'll forgive me, he thought. She has to. She fucking has to.

Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called earlier, but she'd hung up on him again. She heard his car in her driveway. She slammed her math book down on her bed.

He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked out of the hall, staring him down. Her parents were gone, luckily.

"Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for an answer."

"Get out."

"Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I don't want you to have an abortion. I'll marry you, I mean it!" he told her, pleading.

"It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her head, repeating, "It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does matter!"

She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around and walked into her room. He followed her, sitting on her chair while she played the message from the doctor on the machine. He listened, then dropped his jaw.

"You're not pregnant? Oh yes!"

"Get out!" she screamed at him.

"Come on, donUt be like that! I love you!"

"You don't love me! You never loved me!" she screamed. "You're not capable of love! You're only capable of loving yourself. I told you, get out! I'm gonna call the cops if you don't. I mean it!" she yelled.

"Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you I'm sorry, and I mean it."

"I hate you Ryan."

He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated in a whisper. "I fucking love you Jen!"

"It's over Ryan. It is over!"

He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive me? Please? I love you! Come on, just forgive me. You know we have to work at relationships!"

"Oh, don't even give me that. Don't even!" she screamed at him. "To a Goddamn extent, yes! This is different, oh my God is this different!

"Come on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!"

She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears with her hands. She shook her head again.

She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes flew open, pushing him away.

"You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?"

"No, I do understand, but, I'm begging you. Come on, please forgive me," he begged, getting down on his knees in front of her.

"Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The reason you think I should forgive you is because you don't understand what you did. You don't know how bad it was. You don't fucking understand how much you hurt me! You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed.

"No, don't say that! I know, I hurt you. I wish I was dead. I never meant to hurt you. Please, don't break up with me."