Chapter 28

Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call Dana, but hung up before she even dialed. Dana didn't understand her as much anymore. Jen thought she might be disgusted with her for sleeping with Matt. She'd never said that though, just been shocked when it had happened. Jen knew Dana wanted her to take Ryan back. Never, thought Jen. But she wasn't as convinced as she told herself she was. However, she was starting to get an idea that her life might continue without him, that she wouldn't die. For the ten thousandth time she recalled what had happened...

It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had happened. Almost March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just gotten a scholarship to his first choice school. Jen had applied there too, but hadn't heard yet whether or not she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it seemed, that she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she wanted to go out of state. They'd fought about that, his not seeming to care, nor listening to her when she talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had been accepted, he kicked back a bit more, cutting school and partying more. He'd gotten mad when she bugged him about that too.

But they made up. They always did, of course. But he still didn't change much. She thought maybe they were breaking up. She was petrified he was going to say they shouldn't limit themselves when at school, that maybe they should see other people. He hadn't said that though. Not yet, she had thought.

Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out anyway. Once when she was at track she nearly fainted. She had only a tiny lunch, she told herself. She refused to think about other possibilities. But she couldn't ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom with her tampons in it seemed to yell at her whenever she had gone in there. She hadn't opened the drawer in almost six weeks.

A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately. Instead she called Dana, and they talked. She made an appointment with the doctor. She had to be sure first. The earliest appointment was Tuesday. All weekend she felt sick, sick to her stomach. He came over on Friday night, and he was sweet to her, making her dinner. He hadn't stayed long though, she thought bitterly. After all, she thought, he wasn't going to get any, not with her feeling sick. Maybe if he had stayed she would have told him. But he hadn't, so she didn't.

Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called him, and he wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all day she waited, but he never did. She called again, and he still wasn't there. Will sounded annoyed that she'd called again. That made her even more depressed. 46inally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana agreed, and promised to come over the next day with the test. Plus, Dana told her, then you will have talked to Ryan, and he can come over.

But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back. Depressed, she finally agreed to take the test with Dana there instead. I'm sure he's just really busy, Dana told her.

She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown paper bag. It was white, with pink and blue letters.

"This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana, holding back tears. "This fucking sucks."

"It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will be okay." She read her the instructions. Echh, she had to pee on the stick.

She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They had to wait five minutes.

"You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't."

"Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be negative."

She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off school for a year though," she whispered. "He said he wanted to get married now anyway, before we went to school... "

"See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will all work out. Ryan loves you so much. Come on, it's a beautiful thing," she told her, although she knew it sounded corny. Hell, even she didn't believe it.

Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile. Four minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana gulped, getting up and going into the bathroom.

Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears. She felt like she was going to throw up. God, please, she prayed.

Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out, holding the white plastic stick. A line meant positive, no line, negative.

Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!"

Dana paused. "It's positive, Jen."

Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a boulder. Or that someone had slapped her.

"Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow.

Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best friend in her arms while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she thought. Where the hell is he?

Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her eyes open, staring at nothing. She thought about it, remembering the conversation where Ryan had said he'd marry her. She was still miserable though. Where was he?

"Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the blanket. "You rest. I'll be right back." She left, closing Jen's door.

She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's number in the phone book, and dialed.

His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan there?" she asked.

"No."

"Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded.

"I don't know! I think he's at baseball practice."

"Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets home, okay? Or to come over."

"Sure."

"Don't forget!"

"I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!"

"Good. Good-bye."

"Bye."

She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana comforted her again for awhile, while she sniffled and cried.

The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it.

"Hello?" she asked. "Ryan! Where have you been?... I called you yesterday twice and you never called me back... No, I said you could call late!... Well, please come over now. Now!... We need to talk... Six? Can't you come earlier?... Aright, but please come over... No, I'm not pissed at you!... Aright, bye... " She hung up.

"He's gonna come over at six," she told her. "In like, an hour."

Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who thanked her and cried. Six o'clock came around. Then 6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He didn't come. She called him again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out, said his dad. She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently, and she called him again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed up. She tried not to scream. Crying, she laid in bed.

At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat. She heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling her name as he came down the hall. He opened the door, and walked in. Darius, one of his friends, followed him into her dark room, illuminated only by the television.

"Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd be here at six! It's almost eleven! And we need to talk alone."

"Sorry! I needed a ride."

She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?"

"Nah, just buzzed. Well, maybe drunk," he laughed.

"I said we need to talk alone," she repeated, looking pointedly at Darius.

"Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius.

"Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan. "Wait in the fucking car, will ya?" He left.

"Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he was being like this, the opposite of what she needed.