Chapter 24

Jen was laying in bed, asleep, when her answering machine went off. She hadn't heard it ring, and was barely aware of her voice announcing she wasn't home. It was dark, and she could see the red light of her machine.

"Babe I'm believin', I must be on my way. The time is drawing near... "

She began to cry, it was her and Ryan's song, an old song from the seventies.

"... The train is going, I see it in your eyes... the love, the pain, your tears... "

She sobbed into her pillow.

"But I'll be lonely without you... I need your love to see me through... So please believe me, my heart is in your hands, and I'll be missing you... Babe, I love you... "

She sat up, holding her pillow to her chest as she gulped for air.

"Because it's you babe, whenever I get lonely and I've had enough, feel like giving up... "

She picked up the phone, choking back sobs.

Ryan switched off the music. "I love you Jen. Why do I do this to you?" he whispered. "I love you, I'm sorry. Please forgive me, just this last time."

"Ryan, why? You think I'm a slut. I'm a fucking whore to you!"

"No, no! You're not! I don't, I don't think it at all. I didn't mean it. I don't know why I did that. I was just mad. Please, please know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

She didn't answer him, crying and still angry, but knowing deep down that she would forgive him. She loved him too much not to.

"I love you, I'm sorry I ever thought you cheated on me. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."

"You think I'm a slut," she repeated in a whisper.

"I don't! Jen, I don't! I love you, more than anything. I was just mad. Please?"

"I love you Ryan," she said, still sounding a bit angry. "I can't stay mad at you, you know that. So why do you do this? I never did anything with him!"

"I know that, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry, I'm such an asshole. I don't deserve you. I abuse you."

"Ryan, you don't abuse me," Jen told him, muttering.

"I do," he whispered. "I don't hit you but I do. I abused you mentally by doing that. I saw it on a talk show, mental abuse."

"Oh Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. Don't even think that. You were just mad. Mental abuse is different, so don't even think that."

He didn't answer her.

"I think I saw that talk show too," she said, trying to make him feel better. "It was like, neo-nazis who abuse their wives mentally, and then they sleep with their best friend's parents or something... "

That made him laugh.

"See, I forgive you. Because I love you. And we didn't do anything, I swear we didn't," she persisted.

"I know," he sighed. "It just, you don't understand what it was like, this naked guy in your bed, when I come in to surprise you. I mean, Ohhh," he groaned.

"No, I understand I guess. I thought about what I would do if it would have been the other way around."

"I guess I was entitled to my anger. But I still was a jerk, what I said, and what I did," he added. "You're sure you're not pissed still?"

"I guess not. Maybe a little."

"I love you. I came home early to surprise you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Come over now."

"Yeah? Okay, I'll be right over. I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up, and she lay there on her bed again, each minute seeming an eternity. While she waited she thought what would happen if he never showed up, having been killed in an accident. Tears welled in her eyes at the thought, and she blinked them back. How could she not forgive him? She loved him so much. She knew he didn't abuse her mentally, and her heart ached that he thought so, knowing how sorry he was.

She angered at herself for letting Danny sleep in her bed. It was mean, to Danny, to Ryan, and to herself. She had been testing herself to prove how strong she was, but it was cruel for all involved she supposed. Danny had been wrong when he had said it was Ryan's fault that she was upset after he left. It was Jen's fault that night, not his. Ryan was at fault the next night, but the before had been Jen's.