Chapter 12

When the weather began to thaw Ryan began working at his dad's construction company, something he'd done since puberty. It was hard work, but it worked his body out well enough he supposed. He worked on the weekends, which meant he had less time to spend with Jen and his friends, but he was making a lot of money. He vowed to save it so he could get a car as soon as he got his license. He turned sixteen in November, and he calculated how many hours he would have to work till then to get a car. Plus, he wanted to get something really nice for Jen on their anniversary.

In May Jen got a letter from Danny, the guy she'd broken up with when she'd first met Ryan. He'd moved away to Washington state about two months before. She hadn't really spoken to him since they'd broken up.

The letter first off said how sorry he was that he'd treated her so badly, and how he realized now what a good thing he'd given up. It continued,

"I know you've got a good thing going with that guy Ryan. (At least you did last I heard--are you still going out?) But I've never stopped loving you, which may sound strange considering the shitty way I treated you. I want you to realize that it wasn't because of anything you did, but because I was scared that if I was too strong you'd get sick of me and break up with me. You were my first real girlfriend and I guess I didn't know how to act. There's no "girlfriend manual" (that's suppose to be a joke ha ha). Of course I blew it. You're probably wondering why I'm even writing you, but I kinda hoped we can be friends still. If you don't want to be than you don't have to write me back. It sucks here by the way.

Love, Danny Muir Ps Your boyfriend is a lucky guy"

Jen was blown away. She'd tried to forget Danny, he'd hurt her a lot. But she didn't hate him. She planned on writing him back.

She wasn't going to say anything to Ryan, but one night when they were on the phone she did anyway. He was watching TV and not really talking to her. She tried to get his attention.

"Hey, guess who I got a letter from the other day," she said mysteriously.

"Ed MacMahon," Ryan said sarcastically. "You've won a million dollars. Wanna share the wealth?"

"No," she said triumphantly. "Remember Danny Muir?"

That got his attention. "Danny Muir?" he asked. "That guy you broke up with to go out with me?"

"Well, Ryan," she said. "Uh, I didn't break up with him so I could go out with you. We'd broken up before I met you. Or we did like right after. Don't you remember?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess," he said sullenly.

She didn't like his tone. They'd never fought before and it upset her.

"Well?" he demanded.

"Well what?"

"What did old Danny boy want?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing... " she answered, playing with her fingernails and wondering why he was being like this.

"Well, obviously he wanted something if he wrote you. What did he say?"

"How about if I read you the letter?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, read it to me."

"Fine!"

She got the letter out and started to read it. After she read where it said, "I know you have a good thing going with that guy Ryan," Ryan interrupted, saying, "That's right."

She ignored him and continued, skipping the part where he asked if they were still together. She considered skipping the next line as well, but didn't. "'But I've never stopped loving you, which... '"

Ryan interrupted her again in a disgusted tone, saying, "Yeah, sure. He never loved you."

"Excuse me?" she demanded, hurt.

"What? He didn't love you. I love you. I mean, you guys were only going out for like--not even a month, right?"

"So?" She didn't know why she said that, she understood his point, but was still hurt by his attitude.

"What do you mean 'so?'? Danny was a mistake for you," he said decidedly.

"Fuck you!" she snapped. "Where the fuck do you get off analyzing every relationship I've had? You've never even met Danny! I would not say he was a mistake," she said, trying to hurt him.

He made a disgusted sound. "Oh, yeah right. So, what, why's he even writing you? He obviously wants something from you."

"Yeah, you didn't even let me finish reading the letter. You were too busy spazzing out. Maybe he wants to be friends with me. You know, there's no law that says we can't be friends."

"Uh, excuse me? Maybe there's my law."

"Oh, my God I can't believe this! Why the hell are you being like this?"

"Like WHAT?"

"I can't believe this. Fuck you Ryan. Fuck you." She slammed the phone down, then took it off the hook so she could explain to herself that he was probably trying to call her back.

Ryan heard the click and slammed his own receiver down. He was so pissed. He was pissed off at himself, mainly, he never meant to tell Jen what to do. Or who she could be friends with. But the idea of another guy telling Jen that he loved her forced something inside him to snap.

"Dammit," he muttered to himself, punching his pillow. He'd been nearly asleep when she'd called. He was so exhausted anyway, he'd worked hard that weekend and was up late last night doing his homework. I'm working hard for her, he thought. She's probably not even grateful. He felt a twinge of pain in his heart, knowing she would be grateful if she knew he was working for her.

He dialed her number; it was busy. Big surprise, he thought to himself, she's probably calling everyone we know and telling them what happened so they can hate me. He dialed Josh's number.

"Hullo?" said Josh.

"'Sup?"

"Nothin'."

"Dude, my girlfriend just went ballistic on me... " complained Ryan.

"What happened?"

"Fuck. She got some letter from her ex-boyfriend who's all, 'I still love you... '" he said in a high whiny voice. "And she's like, 'Oh, me and him can be friends!'" he said, imitating Jen in a gung-ho sort of voice.

"Not," agreed Josh.

"No shit, huh?" he said, disgusted. "And I told her that and she like spazzed and hung up on me."

"This happen just now?"

"Yeah... "

"Shit. You should just dump her dude. I mean, she's a hella prude anyway."

Ryan paused. "She's not a prude," he said defensively. "She's just a virgin--that's different."

"Yeah, and you're one too because of it. Dude, I swear, you don't need this shit. I mean, you can stay together with this chick--and don't get me wrong, I like Jen, I do--but it's like, you can't let her run everything, you know what I mean?"

"I suppose," he said, thinking it over.

"Any other girl would gladly have you."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Dude, hella skirts are always coming up to me, 'Does your friend Ryan have a girlfriend? He's cuuuuuuuuuute!'" he said in a girlish voice. "I mean, think about it!"

"Yeah, but dude, I mean, I really like this girl," he said.

Josh paused. "Well, I guess. If that's the way you want it or whatever. I mean, I think you shouldn't call her back and kiss her ass though. If you're gonna have a serious girlfriend, you need to keep your nuts intact."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna call her."

"Dude, I gotta go. Alicia's on the other line."

"Fine. Later."

"Bye."

Ryan laid on his back, staring at the ceiling. His eyes welled up with tears, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight so one rolled out down his face and onto his pillow. Fuck Jen, he said several times. I'm not going to call her back, he promised himself. He stared at his phone, picturing Jen dialing his number right this minute.

"I'm sorry we fought Ry," she would whine. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch... "

Ryan thought of all the things he could say. Then he thought of all the things he could have said differently. He should have calmly asked her how she felt about the letter. He rolled his eyes, thinking he sounded like one of those new-aged psychoanalysts: "Let's all get in touch with our feelings!"

He tossed and turned in bed, wishing he could go back in time a few hours. He heard his parents go to bed, heard the dishwasher's quiet hum. He wondered if she was still his girlfriend. She'd said "Fuck you" to him. Did she mean it like, "'fuck you' fuck-you", or like, "fuck you! we're through! fuck-you?"

Ryan laid in bed for several hours. He squeezed out a few more tears, as many as he could to feel more sorry for himself. His clock read 1: 36 am. Jen was probably asleep by now. He wished he was asleep. He could call her and hope she answered before her parents, but they'd probably be woken up and pissed off at him. He pictured her dad pummeling him for calling so late. That brought a smile to his face anyway.

His wild imagination kicked in, and he imagined her stealing her parent's credit card tomorrow morning, cutting school and flying up to see Danny wherever he lived, Washington or Oregon or something. He saw her, seductively removing her clothes and spreading her legs for Danny, moaning that she wanted him. Danny would be on her in a flash. He probably has a huge dick too, thought Ryan. He imagined Jen telling her girlfriends all about its length and girth.

She's not a prude, he thought defensively. Man, he thought angrily, I have to apologize. It's my damn fault. I bet she'll never forgive me. She probably thinks I'm some possessive psycho who would have started beating her anyway. "The first sign was when he started telling me who my friends could be!" he pictured Jen crying, while on Oprah or Sally Jessey Raphael or some shit.

Fuck, he thought, getting up. He didn't have a dime or he could call a cab. He considered stealing money from his mom's purse, but upon investigation it was nowhere to be found, it must be in her bedroom. He could steal the car. He could drive perfectly. But there's no way his parents wouldn't wake up though, and plus, he'd be grounded forever and then he'd never get his license. He looked around the dark kitchen, and turned on the light over the table. He got out a pad of paper and a pen.