Chapter 11

Jen became much more adventurous that spring. She had grown about three inches since the summer, and gained weight in all the right places as well. Part of her desperately wanted to make love with Ryan, and she held herself back every time they got together. He commented on her body all the time, how great it was, how horny it made him. She hadn't told him her desires yet. She wasn't sure yet anyway, and she knew he'd probably shove it in her before she could say another word.

Plus, she had this nagging feeling that he didn't love her as much as she loved him. He'd never told her he loved her anyway. Well, except once when they were in his kitchen. He'd spun around quickly for something and knocked his mother's glass measuring cup off the counter. Reacting quickly, Jen jumped forward and caught it before it hit the floor. He'd said, "Oh my God, I love you!" like ten times in a row. Both Dana and Jen agreed that didn't count as a true "I love you."

Jen knew she loved him, but she was petrified of him saying nothing after she told him so, or of him saying, "I don't know if I love you."

But she didn't want him to say it if he didn't mean it, or immediately jump into bed with him as soon as he did. She knew he'd probably think she was easy if she did that. Hell, she would be easy, she thought. His friends sometimes were jerks to her, saying, "Have you slept with Ryan yet? Why not? Don't you like him? Are you a prude or something?" He was never there when they said it, and she didn't want to mention it to him for fear he'd say, "Well, aren't you?"

She thought he sometimes had a longing look in his eyes when he looked at her. She hoped she wasn't frustrating him. Whenever they screwed around now he practically always came, so she knew he didn't have "blue balls" or whatever. He kept wanting to finger her or eat her out, but she was scared she would smell or he would be grossed out. She'd let him rub her between her legs over her clothes; God, it felt good.

Ryan was getting frustrated sexually, mainly because he felt everyone else was doing it. He knew Jen wanted to take things slow, but his friends were on him all the time, saying shit like, "Maybe she's gettin' it from some other guy," and "Maybe she's a dyke," or the worst, "Maybe she just doesn't like you." He didn't know why his sex life (or lack of it) was of so much concern to them. When he'd mentioned this point to them, they'd been defensive, saying they only wanted to help.

She was getting so beautiful, which she always was of course. Her chest was getting huge, and he'd graduated from being able to touch them to being able to kiss them. Sex ruled his every waking thought. When was she going to let him, how good would he be, what would it feel like, how often would they do it? Sometimes in class he would just think about her body and how much he wanted to do her. His friend Josh's girlfriend had let him eat her out. He'd said it was like heaven. Ryan wanted to do that too. He wanted to go down on her but she wouldn't let him. He thought it was strange how she wasn't into getting pleasured. She said giving him pleasure gave her pleasure, but he was still annoyed.

But other than that, their relationship was great. He'd gotten his driving permit, and getting practice was always an excuse to see Jen. They had such great times together. They went and saw movies all the time, and went out to eat with their friends. He saw other guys looking at her, and it made him angry, but proud at the same time.

He had fantasies about her all the time, the usual fantasies, and some where something bad was happening to her (he always felt a bit guilty), but then he saves her. Her house was on fire, she was being mugged, or raped (he always managed to get to her before she was actually raped) but he was the hero. Of course he never told her these things; she'd probably think he was a creep. He was petrified too that she'd dump him for someone else.

In the winter she went to all of his soccer games that she could, then in baseball season she was always there, in the bleachers, next to his friends or his family.

One Saturday after she'd gone to his baseball game, she came over and ate dinner at his house, then they watched a movie with his family. "It's good, clean fun," he kept saying in an adult voice, to make her laugh. Around midnight, his dad said he had better drive her home. Ryan of course volunteered to drive.