Chicago in the spring is a really nice place to be. I didn’t understand at the time when I first arrived, but my time there was going to prove to be amazing. Life changing, even. I was a 19 year old new sailor assigned to Great Lakes Training Center just north of the city. I arrived there in mid March and the first thing I did when I had a weekend off was to reconnect with my aunt, uncle, and cousins who lived near Wrigley Field in Chicago. My aunt is the youngest sister of my father, and my cousins are roughly three or four years younger than me and my siblings.

Over the years I had seen them every year or so during summer months at summer vacations at our grandparent’s house in South Carolina, or the rare occasion when my family travelled to Chicago, but I hadn’t seen them for about three years. The first thing I noticed was how much my cousins had all grown. There are four of them total, three boys and a girl, ranging in age from 9 to 16. My cousin Mary is the oldest at 16, and her three brothers were 9, 12 and 14. Because Mary was the only one close to my age she was the one I had spent the most time with in the past.

Every Friday I drove my Camaro to my family’s house in the city and usually returned to the naval base Sunday in the early evening. In the school I attended there was a uniform inspection every Friday at noon, and those of us who received a grade of ‘outstanding’ were released for the day at that time. Those who didn’t make the grade stayed that afternoon for additional duties. I’m tall and slender, which gave me an edge in the inspection. All I had to do was keep my hair short enough to meet regulations and ensure my uniform was ironed to perfection and my shoes spit shined, and I would get the afternoon off. It was a rare occasion that I didn’t get the early start on the drive south to Chicago. Usually I arrived before my cousins even got home from school.

One thing that was important to my family was regular attendance at their church and I tagged along each Sunday morning. I met all of Mary’s friends there, including her best friend Sarah. A few of the girls there were quite flirtatious and seemed interested in getting to know me better but the one I thought was the prettiest was Teri, and she already had a boyfriend. Mary also had a boyfriend named Craig, but it seemed that he was never around because of his part time job. Most weekends Mary and I hung out together as she introduced me to the sights of Chicago.

As the summer approached Mary and I started to get more and more close. We got to the point where we were spending all of our time together when I was there. I had been a good student in high school so occasionally I helped her with her homework if it was for a subject that I was good at. Sometimes we went out in the evenings. One night when we were walking through a lakeside park she asked me to sit down and talk to her for a moment. She told me that her boyfriend Craig told her that he was starting to get jealous of me. He wasn’t mad or making any accusations, but he didn’t like it that we were so close and spending so much time together. I asked her if she wanted us to cut down on our time together and she said that she definitely did NOT want that to happen. “He works all the time. He can just get over it, which is exactly what I told him,” she said. “In fact, to be honest, you’re better company than he is anyway.”

“Okay. Good.” I smiled from ear to ear. “I’m really relieved. I thought you were about to break up with me!” I was joking, of course.

“Nope, you’re still boyfriend number two.” She winked at me and laughed. She started to tickle me and we started into a mutual tickling fight until I pinned both of her arms down in a bear hug.

“Well, just so you know, you’re girlfriend one for me. “ I released her from the bear hug and she put her arms around me, pulling me into a very nice hug that lingered for a nice, long time. I could smell the freshness of her skin as my nose rubbed against her neck. I felt like it was a pivotal moment in our relationship. It seemed that as I drove us home from the park that evening we were a little quieter than normal. I can’t say what she was thinking about but I know that I was thinking about the absurd idea of her really being my girlfriend. I just kept thinking that it was crazy to even think about it. She was my first cousin, after all. It just doesn’t happen.

After that it seemed that we couldn’t stand being apart. That was how I felt and I knew it was mutual. She was amazing. It was torture for me to be away at school Monday through Thursday without seeing her. Our time together was amazing, full of laughter and enjoyment of life. There were lots of innocent touches and hugs. Lots of flirtation from both of us. She could make my knees weak with just a smile. I was becoming very, very attached to her, and I could tell that she was feeling the same thing.

After a movie one Saturday night we were parked in the parking lot at Montrose beach so we could walk in the sand. But, instead of getting out of the car Mary reached over and grabbed my arm to prevent me from getting out. She said, “Let’s just sit here for a while. I think it might rain soon.”

I looked out the side window at a sky full of stars. Rain was not likely, but I was very content to just sit there with her so I didn’t challenge her on it. Our conversation that night was as easy as it always was but I felt there was something different. Something was happening. She said, “Hey, just so you know. I might need you to back me up on something. I told boyfriend one that I was hanging out with Sarah’s family tonight. He got a rare Saturday off and asked me to go out with him but I wanted to be with you tonight instead. I didn’t even have time to think about it. I didn’t expect him to ask me, so I just reacted quickly without even thinking about it much. I just told him I had already committed to going out with Sarah and couldn’t get out of it. It probably won’t come up, but if he talks to you in church tomorrow back me up. I’ll tell Sarah also.”

“Sure, of course. I’m glad you told me ahead of time. And, I’m glad you chose to be with me tonight instead of him.”

“Me too,” she said softly. “Spending time with you these last few months has been really nice. I wish you were going to be stationed at Great Lakes forever.”

“Yeah, me too. But, you know how it is. Sailors are meant to be on ships, and ships are meant to be at sea, so this October when my training here ends I’ll be on an aircraft carrier in Norfolk, Virginia.”

“Don’t remind me. I’m not letting you go.” She grabbed my arm and held it to her chest.

Even though it was an uncomfortable topic we talked about what my life was going to be like on the ship, and Navy life in general. We talked about the months at sea away from loved ones. She promised to write me letters every day.

When the conversation slowed some Mary said, “Well, what do you want to do next?”

Without even thinking about it I said, “We could make out, except, we’re cousins.”

“Yeah. Cousins.” She said it in a sad voice, and I was concerned that I had really screwed up. But then she spontaneously burst into laughter. “You! You are sooo naughty!” That started another tickling session between us, something that I really, really liked, and we did often.

One Friday a few weeks later I got another early dismissal from the Navy base and went to her high school to pick up her up after school. It was something I’d started doing whenever possible. We then went to her brother’s school and jammed them into the back seat of my 1968 Camaro SS396. After an early dinner that night with the family Mary asked if I would take her to a movie. After clearing it with her parents we went out. I asked her what movie she wanted to see. “I don’t really care. You pick,” she said.

“Okay, let’s see what’s playing at the theater we went to on Damen.”

“Actually, I thought we’d go a little farther away. Have you heard of the Twin 400?”

“Nope. You navigate and I’ll drive,” I said. I didn’t care where we went as long as she was with me.

The Twin 400 was much farther away than we usually go, but it proved to be worth the drive because the latest James Bond movie was playing there. It was the perfect movie for a date.

When we stood in line to get popcorn and drinks Mary said, “Hey, boyfriend two, I need to go to the little girls room. Can you get me a Sprite?” She gave me that killer smile that I’d come to crave so much.

I laughed and replied, “I’d get you anything you want, girlfriend one.”

“Hmmmm ... promises, promises,” she said with a twirl as she sashayed off to the restroom.

The movie was great. For the first half hour or so we worked on the popcorn and shared a Reese’s and a large Sprite. When those were polished off we settled in. After ten minutes or so one of us changed positions slightly and we both jostled a bit for possession of the armrest between us. I don’t know how she did it, but I found her small, warm hand in mine. We were holding hands. I continued to watch the screen but all I could think about was how amazing it was to be holding hands with my beautiful cousin.

As if to emphasize that holding my hand wasn’t a mistake, Mary loosened her grip slightly and then interlaced her fingers between mine. Now we were firmly attached. She moved the cup of Sprite that had been between us to the cupholder on her side. I let my arm slide off the armrest onto her side and she used her other arm to pull it against her gently. My heart was pounding for a few minutes as I fought to recognize what was happening. I remember thinking that boyfriend one would definitely be pissed off if he could see us now.

When the movie ended we walked to my car and once again Mary took my hand, this time slipping directly into the interlaced fingers grip that signified so much. At least it did to me. When we got to the car I said, “We still have about an hour before your curfew. Do you want to go home or go somewhere else?”

“There is a beach about ten blocks from here. That way, I think. Want to go for a walk on the sand?”

“Uh, yeah. You navigate.” It took about five minutes to find it. She had been right about it being extremely close. I got lucky and found a great parking space and we walked together to the beach. Again, we held hands.

“Aaron, we need to talk,” she said softly.

“Definitely. I was about to say the same thing. Do you want me to go first?”

“Yes! Please.”

“Okay. Well, first of all, let me say that whatever you’re feeling right now, I’m probably feeling the same things. At least I hope you’re feeling the same things I am. I think you know how I feel about you. These last two or three months or so have been amazing. Because of you, Mary. I remember you told me once that Craig is jealous of me, but the truth is that I’ve been even more jealous of him. He’s boyfriend one. That has started to become kind of hard to take. But, I guess what I am feeling even more is ... geez, I don’t know what the right word is. Uncertainty, maybe. Not doubt, but uncertainty. I don’t understand what is happening. I don’t even know if it CAN happen. We’re cousins, after all. Is what we’re doing just setting ourselves up for trouble? The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is hurt you.”

Mary moved closer to me and pulled herself into a hug. “I know. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. Not intentionally. And I guess there is the possibility that we might get hurt. Both of us. By the way, when the movie was playing I missed the entire second half. I was NOT paying attention. I was thinking about you, and us. Can I tell you the decision I made while I was waiting for the movie to end?”

“Of course. Please, tell me.”

“Well, I was really hoping that you would kiss me.” She paused. “And, I made the decision that if you DID kiss me, or if you DO kiss me, then you are definitely not going to be boyfriend two any more. There would no longer be a boyfriend two because I would definitely break up with Craig. I’ve been withdrawing from him already. I haven’t kissed him in weeks. So, if you kiss me, he’s history.”

That made me laugh a little. A nervous laugh, but a laugh, nonetheless. “Do you remember the last time we kissed?”

“Oh my god!” she screamed. “Yes. I remember. I think I was about 8 years old and I forced you to play house with me so that we could be mommy and daddy together. I don’t think you liked that kiss very much.”

“Well, I might have acted like I didn’t like it very much, but I secretly liked it a lot,” I said. “I guess if you were eight, that would have made me eleven or so. I didn’t know why I liked it, but I know that I did. And, by the way, it wasn’t just one kiss. You liked to play that game a lot. You know, I’ve had a secret crush on you since we were kids. For a month I’ve been thinking that there was something wrong with me for thinking about you the way that I have, and keeping it inside has been pure agony.”

We walked further up the beach, holding hands again. I asked, “Do you really want to have a secret that we can’t tell anyone? You couldn’t even tell Sarah, your best friend. We would have to be totally deceptive in public together. Can we do that? We’re cousins, Mary. That isn’t just some little complication. It is a HUGE complication. There is also the fact that you are sixteen and I’m a legal adult.”

“I don’t even think about the age thing,” she said softly. “I know where my heart is. I’m not a little girl. You aren’t forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do.”

“Maybe so, but it is still there.”

“It sounds like you’ve already made a decision.”

“Oh, Mary. That’s not true. You know it’s not.”

“Then kiss me.”

“Oh, my god,” I whispered. “I want to kiss you so bad. But what about the uncertainties? What about the complications? What about the secrecy?”

She almost screamed back to me, “What about US? Aaron! What about the way that I get butterflies in my stomach when I see you arrive at my school to pick me up on Fridays? What about the way that I feel now? What about how we would both feel every day when we look into each other’s eyes and don’t have to hold back about how we feel?”

“Well, it would be amazing. For sure,” I said. I smiled. She smiled back. It was the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. I pulled her to me and held her close.

For a full minute neither of us spoke. I wanted to kiss her so much. I wanted to hold her and scream to the world that she was the one who makes my heart soar! I lifted her chin to tilt her head up. I looked into her eyes and saw tears there. I regretted then being so indecisive, to the point that my reluctance was hurting her. I knew that I would never doubt my feelings for her. I knew that I would want her forever. I leaned down to kiss her.

“Don’t do it,” she whispered. She sobbed a little.

“What?!” I stopped, surprised and confused.

“Don’t do it if you’re not sure.”

“Mary, I’m in love with you. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“I love you, too.”

Our first (grown up) kiss was more than I can describe. It was endless. It was passion. It was urgency. It was commitment. It was love. It was truly monumental. With that kiss we made a promise to each other to forge forward into the uncertainty. Into the secrecy. Together. Her lips felt so warm and full of passion as the kiss lingered. We held each other tightly. I wanted to draw her small body into mine. I felt her tears on my cheeks.

“Oh, my god,” I said as we paused to catch our breath. “You don’t know how much I’ve been wanting to do that. I don’t care how complicated this is going to be, I’m in love with you Mary.”

“I love you too.” We kissed again, two teenagers in love, standing on a dark and deserted beach. Again I tried to pull her as tightly to me as I could. The feeling of her body against mine was unbelievable. I could feel her body tremble slightly in the cool air.

“Do you want to go back to the car?”

“No, let’s stay here for a little while longer, then we have to get home. Mom and dad will be mad at you if you take me home late. Hey, I know. Let’s go over there to that picnic area.”

When we reached a picnic table I sat down and pulled her onto my lap. She felt so light and small. We kissed again, and I touched her face softly. Her lips parted to draw my tongue inside her. Our kisses were totally unlike any other girl I had kissed.

I pulled her closer, sliding my hand to her slender waist to feel the curve of her hips. I kissed her, and kept kissing her. We finally broke the kiss, and I could feel her breath on my cheek. She reached down and planted little kisses on my neck. I entwined my fingers in her curls. She rubbed my back. Then she looked in my eyes again, and I kissed her again. I think that one lasted about three weeks.

When we finally broke the kiss, and caught our breath, Mary leaned over and whispered in my ear, “My God, I’ve never been kissed like that in my life.”

“Wow! I was just thinking the same thing. I never want it to stop.” I kissed her again.

But the kissing did stop. It had to if I was going to get her home in time. As we drove home we held hands and sang out loud to the songs on the radio. I swear, Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Thunder Road’ never sounded so good as it did that night.

As we approached her home she grabbed my arm and said, “Pull over here. I want a kiss goodnight before we get to the house.” I pulled the car over and put it in neutral. We both looked around the street lit only by the street lights to make sure no one she knew was out. The streets looked deserted so she leaned way over the console and kissed me. “Do you know that I’ve had a crush on you since before we played house together? You were my first crush. At the time I didn’t even know that being cousins was a problem. I remember I told my mom once that I was going to marry you when I grew up.”

That certainly made me laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure she got a laugh out of that,” I said.

“Definitely. She didn’t even bother to tell me why I couldn’t. She just agreed with me. You know that means we have her approval, right?” She winked at me. She looked at my watch. “Oh, my god, we have two minutes to get home. Unhand me, noble knight, and return me to my castle at once!”

That night after everyone had gone to bed, as I exited the bathroom after my shower I found her waiting quietly in the dark hallway outside the crowded bedroom I was sharing with her brothers. She had her finger to her lips to give me a silent ‘shhhh.’ When I had reached her she tilted her head up and whispered very quietly, “One more.” Since the house was totally silent and nearly dark, I was eager to comply. That stolen kiss to say goodnight was magical in how happy it made me feel. I was in love with my cousin Mary, and she was in love with me. It felt like my face would crack with the intensity of my smile. “Goodnight,” she said as our kiss ended.

“Goodnight, beautiful.” I watched her slip back down the hall and ease silently into her bedroom. I thought about how amazing it would be to follow her inside, but I made a vow to myself, and to our new relationship, that I would never be so careless.

The next day was Saturday and Mary and I took her brothers to see the Cubs play the Phillies. It was our first time out together as a secret couple, and it was interesting to see how our behavior in public was going to develop. It was torture to resist holding her hand. Seeing her at the breakfast table and not being able to kiss her good morning was agony. We sat next to each other during the game but most of my attention was on her oldest brother. He and I had previously talked a lot about baseball, and especially about the Cubs. It was something that we had sort of bonded over, so ignoring him during the game and giving all my attention to Mary wouldn’t make sense. She knew that and silently went along. But, just sitting by her side, our legs rubbing together in silent communication, was very nice. Around the 6th inning she leaned over and whispered in my ear. “You better take me out alone somewhere tonight.”

Of course, we did go out that evening as soon as family dinner was over. We told her parents that we were going to some mall in downtown Chicago. At the mall we were undecided about publicly showing our affections. Chicago is a huge city, but Mary said that occasionally she did see people she knows there. Between her large church and an even larger high school, she was quite popular, and quite memorable. We flirted and joked around, but holding hands and kisses were saved for later. After dealing with that frustration for an hour or so she suggested that in the future we go out deep into the suburbs where she wouldn’t be recognized.

We left the mall when the sun was about to set and got on an expressway out of the city. The Camaro made quick work of the miles between Chicago and a Dairy Queen in Aurora. Finally! We could celebrate our new relationship publicly. As we stood in line to be served our sundaes it was nice to hold her hand and kiss her when she tilted her head upward to demand one. I was all too happy to comply.

After the sundaes were finished and the trash disposed we talked about where to go next. She had an extra late midnight curfew on Saturdays so there was no rush. She was the one who said she wanted to go somewhere private so we could make out. I instantly put the car in gear and began the search for a place. Making out in a car was something I hadn’t done since I graduated high school two years earlier, but I was VERY eager to reintroduce the practice. After 20 minutes or so we spotted a great spot where we could park the car and not be seen by anyone.

After I had the car in park I turned to her. I could see immediately that there was something on her mind. I asked her, “What is it? What’s up?”

“Well, I was just thinking about how to handle Craig. I need to do it tomorrow.”

“Ahhh. I see. What are you thinking? When are you going to do it?”

“I have a plan, but it kind of requires your approval. Well, not approval, really, but your understanding. I think the best time to do it is tomorrow at church. Maybe between Sunday school and the main service. But definitely tomorrow. My problem is that I don’t think I want you around when I do it. Please don’t get mad. I just think I would be distracted thinking about you if you are there. Wondering where you are, what you’re doing. I just might feel a little pressured if you’re there. I hope you understand. I think it’s best. Can you see that?”

“Absolutely, I understand. How about this? I almost never go to early Sunday school anyway. Instead of meeting you at the main service like I usually do I will jet back to the base when I wake up Sunday morning. I’ll make up a requirement that I need to take care of, and then I will be back here just in time to have lunch with the family. Would that work?

“I love you,” she said. “That’s perfect. Thank you for understanding. You know, he’s a really nice guy and I hate it that I might hurt him, but I have to do this quickly. Immediately. For us.”

“Well, there is no question that you WILL hurt him. You’re way out of his league and I know that he knows that. He’s probably never going to get over you.”

“I want to tell you something,” she said softly.

“Okay?”

“We’ve never done it. We never had sex. Actually, I never have with anyone.”

“Wow, Mary. Thanks for telling me that. I admit that I was wondering. But, you know what? I’m not surprised. And I’m definitely happy about it.”