My name is AMP and this is a transcript of my interview with presidential candidate, Donald Claus. I met him as he left the golf course after playing a round with the latest winner of a PGA title.

That was a great round. I shot under 90 thanks to a bit of creative scoring by my caddie. The pro brought his brother-in-law along to carry his bag. I don’t think he knows much about the rules of golf.

I had a perfectly legal lift and drop, and he started bitching. It was hardly my fault that the first suitable place to drop my ball was 100 yards nearer the pin. “You’re here to worship, bud,” I told they guy. “Get with the program.”

This worship thing is really catching on. The holy rollers think I’m a reincarnation or some shit. I don’t see myself as another Jesus. I’m the first in line to praise him, but I get a bit uneasy with turning the other cheek and the meek inheriting the earth. Jesus is a great guy but just a bit wimpy, don’t you think?

Now Moses, on the other hand. He’s the man. I think of the Egyptians being a lot like the Chinese. So, Moses says, let my people go. Chaiman XYZ, or whatever he calls himself, says they’re here and they’re going nowhere. (I ask if he means the pharaoh). Yeah, this pharaoh guy really needs to be told: ‘if you mess with Americans, the chosen people, you’re in a world of trouble’.

I could learn from Moses you know. If I have a fault, it’s that I’m too hasty. So, Moses started off easy – a bit of blood in the river, a plague of frogs, to give Chairman Xi a chance to back off. Its only at the end he goes for the bullet in the back of the head of Chinese first born kids – ok, yeah, Egyptians.

You must be ruthless, like Moses, but approach with caution. See, Hitler started all wrong. If he had gassed the dummies and Gypsies no one would have turned a hair. A year or two later he could have added a Jewish financier or two that had really shafted honest Americans – I mean Germans, of course. I mean, you’re bound to get a bad reaction if you start gassing nice kids like Anne Frank. But Hitler jumped in with both feet – he’d have gassed the pope if he had been Jewish.

I’m smarter than that. The one really smart idea Hitler had was to wear a uniform. I’m having MAGA uniforms designed. I’m in a win-win situation. If I’m voted into office that’s ok, but if I don’t win the ballot I’ll put on my fatigues and lead the MAGA army to the White House. I’m in touch with the Brits about renting one of these coaches the Royals run about in. I can picture myself in my MAGA Commander-in-Chief uniform riding up to the White House on a golden coach pulled by four Kentucky Derby winners.

I don’t believe that insurrection is the answer to every problem but there are certain historical moments when there’s no other choice. George Washington was a terrorist, a rebel, until he threw the Brit’s out on their ass, then he became Father of his Country. We’re at one of these historical moments right now.

The big mistake George made was to allow a bunch of politicians to run the country. I’m going to take a page out of my cousin Santa’s playbook. He doesn’t have congressmen in his workshop at the North Pole. Hell, I don’t think he even lets lawyers in. There’s just him and a bunch of loyal and obedient elves.

Talking of that, I’ve got to go. I’ve got a date with a cute little elf with big bazookas. She’s a decent lay, but talkative. “EE-DEE”, she kept calling when I was taking her though the gates of sexual paradise. I guess ED must be her boyfriend, although she sounded really pissed off at him.