When I look back on my early childhood I don’t remember feeling deprived at all. My parents were kind to me and seemed fond of each other, unlike a lot of my friends, and they seemed quite happy too.

I guess I was a quiet child and maybe a bit introverted, so it wasn’t easy when we had to move to a new town for Daddy’s work, but it wasn’t too long before I made a few new friends and got settled into my new school.

Sometimes, when I went around to those friend’s houses, I was a little surprised by how ... affectionate they were with their parents: kisses and hugs and such. For a while, I actually thought that it was them that were unusual, but it gradually dawned on me that it was us.

It’s not that I thought I wasn’t loved, and I definitely loved my folks, it was just that our love was never a physically demonstrative thing; we definitely weren’t a kissy-kissy, touchy-feely family.

What with fixing up and decorating the new house it was quite a while before my folks resumed their old habit of a Saturday night meal out in town. Even though I was now eleven, and told them I didn’t need one, they found a new babysitter for me.

I wasn’t very interested: the last one, Carol, had been a quiet and moody girl who thought she’d done a good job if I was in bed at my appointed hour, and that was about it.

When the doorbell rang and my mom called me to answer it with her, I did so without much enthusiasm. That was until we opened the door. She was a pretty girl, but it was her smile that took my breath away. It was one of those that just made you feel good, and you couldn’t help but smile yourself, which I found myself doing.

“Mrs Myers?” she said, holding out her hand. “I’m your babysitter Jessie.” They shook and then she looked down at me. “And you must be Lydia?” she asked, and if anything her smile got even more radiant. I nodded a little shyly and she gently took my hand. “Do you want to show me your room?” I was a bit overwhelmed but her friendliness was kind of intoxicating and I began to lead her upstairs.

“Is that OK Mrs Myers, I’m sure you’ve got lots to do?” Jessie called back and Mom actually looked a bit stunned but didn’t say anything.

I tried to remember if Carol had ever even been in my old bedroom and I didn’t think she had.

“Oh, I just love your room,” Jessie gushed, walking around and touching some of my favorite things. “Who’s this handsome fellow?” she asked pointing to my oldest and bestest teddy bear.

“He’s Henry,” I explained, picking him up and giving him a cuddle. “He’s a bit scruffy now and only has one eye.”

“It’s just as well he’s got you to look after him then,” she said solemnly. For a second I thought that she was making fun of me but then she smiled at me and I just knew that she wasn’t.

“Right, we’re off now,” Mom said, putting her head around the door. “Be good for Jessie.”

As soon as we heard the front door slam Jessie turned to me, bent down, and whispered, “Shall we see what snacks we can find in the kitchen?” Like she knew that it was naughty; I was never normally allowed snacks after dinner.

We brought our hoard of soda, chips, and cookies back up to my room and ate them while Jessie tried out different hairstyles on me which was really good fun. Then she let me do the same to her, which was amazing. All the time she was chatting away, asking me about school and my friends and what I liked to do and stuff, but like she was actually interested.

“What would you like to do now Lydia?” she asked me, as she licked her finger and cleaned some crumbs from the corner of my mouth.

“I don’t know,” I replied, taken aback by being asked: normally I just got told.

“Is there some show you’d like to see?” she suggested and then leaned forward and half-covered her mouth. “That maybe Mom and Dad don’t let you watch?” I knew the answer to that straight away.

“Twilight,” I said excitedly. I’d heard girls talking about it and it sounded so cool.

“Right,” she said without a moment’s thought. “Let go and see if we can find it.”

We went to the lounge and Jessie logged into Netflix using her account. We found it without too much trouble and started it playing. Then Jessie put her arm around me. I was so surprised I felt myself sort of tense up. She turned around to look at me, all concerned.

“Is that not OK?” she asked softly, starting to remove her arm. Once the initial shock had worn off though I realized how lovely it felt to be held that way.

“No, no. I just... “ I took hold of her hand and pulled it back down, snuggling down into her embrace. “It’s nice.”

It was wonderful, feeling her warmth and softness against me and her arm making me feel all safe and ... loved. I found that at times I was barely paying attention to the film I was so happy and contented.

I noticed her glancing at her watch occasionally and, when she said, “Nine fifteen I’m afraid.” I felt very sad that we had to stop. “Don’t worry, we can finish it next time,” she added, giving my shoulders a little squeeze.

“Five more minutes? Please?” I begged. It was actually more like fifteen before she finally pressed pause.

“Right then, time for bed. Bath first though,” she said, and I was confused: normally I just had a shower in the morning. I was about to tell her all that when she stood up and held out her hand: was she going to come too?

I wasn’t too sure what was going on, but if it meant I got to spend a little more time with her then I was more than happy to go along.

She took me into the bathroom and I brushed my teeth as she started to run the bath. When I was done I sat on the chair and watched as she carefully adjusted the flow of hot and cold, constantly checking the temperature. When she was happy she turned the taps off and turned around.

“Are you still dressed, silly? You can’t have a bath like that,” she said, chuckling to herself. Then she came over, knelt at my feet, and took off my shoes and socks.

When she stood up again, she looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Arms up,” she instructed, and I lifted them up and she peeled my T-shirt off over my head. Even though I didn’t have any boobs yet I felt for a second as if maybe I should cover my chest but she was so matter-of-fact about the whole thing that I didn’t.

“Right, stand up.” My bottom was hardly off the chair when she reached out and pulled down my shorts and panties. Now I was embarrassed: nobody had seen me naked for years! I covered up between my legs. Jessie just laughed.

“It’s only us girls and you haven’t got anything that I haven’t got,” she said, laughing, as she steered me by the shoulders to the side of the bath. “Although you are much prettier,” she whispered right into my ear which made me both shiver and giggle.

“Which is your shampoo?” she asked, and I pointed to my bottle.

Her gentle fingers, massaging the shampoo into my hair, felt wonderful and I forgot all about being naked and just adored the feeling of closeness between us. She rinsed me off and then went and sat on the chair, and we chatted while I washed. It just felt like the most natural thing in the world.

When I got out she wrapped me in a big, fluffy bath towel and then tied another around my hair. Then she dried me off which was super-nice until she got to my armpits and I started wriggling and giggling like mad.

“Oh, so you’re ticklish?!” she cried triumphantly, and I thought, ‘Yes, I am, aren’t I? Why didn’t I know that?’

Still snuggled up in the towel we went to my room and Jessie picked out my favorite nighty. I got changed and she finished drying my hair and then tucked me up in bed.

She bent over me and smiled. “Would it be OK if I gave you a little kiss?” she asked, and I don’t think I’d ever felt happier; I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d been kissed goodnight.

“Yes please,” I told her, my voice so low I could barely hear it myself. She bent a little lower and kissed me softly on the lips.

“Night, night Lydia. I’ll be just downstairs if you need anything.”

She pulled the door mostly shut behind her, with a little gap, just as I liked it.

I lay there feeling so happy and pampered and loved in a way I’d never really felt before. It slowly dawned on me what I’d been missing out on all this time.

Saturday nights became the shining highlight of my week. Whatever we did I loved: playing with makeup, doing our nails, dressing up, pillow fights, watching Twilight, and especially bathtime.

When Mom sat me down one Saturday afternoon and told me that Jessie wouldn’t be coming anymore because her family was moving away, I couldn’t believe it: surely she would have told me?

I was utterly heartbroken and ran to my room and cried my little heart out. Mom knocked on the door to tell me that the new babysitter had arrived and I just told her to go away.

I fully accept that I was not a nice child for quite a while: telling my mom that I hated her and I wanted to go with Jessie. Driving the new babysitter away in my anger and grief.

Eventually, the rawness of my loss began to fade. I never forgot her though and there always seemed to be a Jessie-shaped hole in my life.

I suppose that basically things went back to how they had been before Jessie, only now I knew what I was missing.

Over the years I often looked back on those times with a sense of longing. I think it was at this time that I came to realize that what I had been feeling for Jessie was love.

When I got a little older, maybe fourteen, it was bathtime that kept coming into my mind but it started to feel ... different, and I would get a tingling between my legs. Jessie had never, ever, touched me in any way inappropriately, but I found myself fantasizing that it was fourteen-year-old me in that bath, begging to be washed in my special places.

My innocent fantasies became wilder and wilder until I had my first ever orgasm dreaming that Jessie and I were in the bathroom now and she was kissing me between my legs. I wanted it to be true so much that my heart actually hurt.

She was never far from my thoughts but I craved the closeness we’d had so much that I began to seek out other girls at school that I thought might like girls too. There were some cringingly awful moments when I got things wrong and some lovely times when I didn’t, but none of them were Jessie, and none of them progressed much further than some innocent but lovely kisses.

By the time I was sixteen, I was almost reconciled to the fact that I might never meet anyone that I’d feel the same about. Then one day I was in town, walking along the sidewalk when I spotted someone walking towards me in the distance that looked like her. It wasn’t the first time, not by a long way, and I steeled myself for the inevitable crushing disappointment when it turned about to be someone else.

As we got closer and closer though she kept looking like Jessie, if maybe a little older. My heart was going crazy, and when we were about ten feet apart my steps began to falter as I slowed. Then her eyes met mine and I saw a flash of recognition there. It was her!!

And then she smiled and I stuttered to a halt as I became utterly lost in it. She stopped too and I was vaguely aware of people pushing past me as we blocked their path but I had no attention to spare for them.

“Lydia,” she said and it broke me out of my spell. I took the last step to her, put my arms around her neck, and kissed her. I kissed her with all the passion I’d felt for her over the years and, when I felt her kiss me back and her arms went around me and held me tight, I was in absolute heaven.

I don’t know how long we kissed. People were probably staring and making comments, but if they were I wasn’t aware of it. I wasn’t aware of anything apart from the feel of her soft lips on mine and the feel of our bodies, finally pressed together.

Eventually, I felt her push me gently away by the shoulders and her expression was one of fondness, but also confusion.

“Lydia, that was ... lovely but--”

“I love you.” I blurted out, interrupting her. Then something in her reaction made me realize what I’d done! The last time she’d seen me had been five years earlier! Since then, in my mind and my fantasies, we’d been lovers, but to her, I was still that little girl.

“I’m sorry Lydia, it’s my lunch break,” she said, putting her hand on my upper arm and giving it a little squeeze. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that she was going to let me down. “Let’s meet later, in the coffee shop down there? Six o’clock?” Instantly my mood swung to utter joy!

“Yes,” I answered, knowing my voice sounded desperate but not caring. “Wait. You’re working here. When did you move back to town?” She looked puzzled.

“I never moved away,” she said and then looked at her watch. “Look. I’m sorry, but I’ve really got to go. I’ll see you later.” She turned to go and then swung back and kissed me. Just a peck on the lips but it lit my whole body up like I was full of fireworks.

I spent the afternoon walking around stores, picking up items of clothing and hardly even seeing them, my mind full of those kisses and what might come of them. So caught up in thoughts of Jessie was I that I hardly even gave a thought to why Mom had lied to me: I had Jessie back and that was all that mattered.

I went to the coffee shop at a little after five and sat there nursing a strawberry shake and looking up each time I heard the door opening; my heart in my mouth. I was alternately cursing myself for attacking her in the street like that, and ecstatic that I’d declared my love before I’d lost my nerve.

Finally, after I didn’t know how many false alarms, it was her, and the dread that had been creeping up on me vanished in an instant as I saw that wonderful smile of hers. She sat down opposite me.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” I said straight away.

“Don’t say that Lydia. I’m not.”

“I do love you though. I’ve loved you ever since I was that little girl.”

“I loved you too. But not like that. Like a Mom. No, like a big sister.”

“And how do you love me now?” As I asked my whole body clenched, waiting on tenterhooks for her reply.

“No, not like that. Not now.” I could hear the emotion in her voice as she said it and I felt like I was floating: she’d said she loved me!!