Chapter 4

I had, on impulse, bought one of those little, blue, rubber balls that people use to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze to develop or reacquire strength in a hand, and I was using it for the purpose I had bought it: bouncing it off the side of my dresser, when it would then carom off one wall near the corner, then off the adjacent wall, then return to my hand. As I suspected, I found the repetition soothing. Someone, however, thought it otherwise.

Why do we insist on doing that?

Because it’s soothing. Surely, you can understand that.

It’s fucking annoying!

Correct.

Blink, blink. Blink, blink.

I watched as the ball went bounce, bounce, bounce-bounce, bounce and returned to my hand.

Blink, blink. Blink, blink.

I sent the ball back on its route as precisely as I could manage and watched it as it bounced from the floor to the side of the dresser, then did the double-bounce off both sides of the wall corner, then bounced off the floor on its happy way home to my hand ... and reveled in the consternation of...

I know it’s me, but why is that other voice so ... different, so ... discordant, so very ... distinguishable from the me I desperately want to be the real me. That other voice is so...

Diabolical? Devilish? Demonic? Damned?

I don’t hear you. I don’t hear you. I don’t hear you. FUCK! Why is sanity so fucking hard?!

Sanity’s over-rated. Sanity requires too much rule-following. Sanity does not permit some forms of self-expression! You know you want insanity. You know you want to join our dear mother in the...

Don’t you fucking say it! Don’t ever say that fucking word to me!

What? The ‘A’ word? The ‘I’ word followed by the ‘A’ word?

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Fuck! I hate him! Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t I be ... Never mind. Never fucking mind! I can fucking do this!

Bounce, bounce, bounce-bounce, bounce, smack. Bounce, bounce, bounce-bounce, bounce, smack.

Yes, the “smack” is necessary. The blue ball is back home. In my hand ... only to be sent back out into the world which insists on pushing me, making me teeter on the edge.

I had never before done it, but I’d recently done it for her, and sanity roared back away from the edge, away from the abyss that called to me far too loudly. When my phone rang with Emma’s ringtone, I snatched it up and with a huge internal sigh of relief answered the call.

“Thanks, Emma. I was losing the battle.”

My words met silence, but only a short silence, as Emma soon replied, “That fucking sister of mine owes me and the world more than she can know and some glorious day I’ll extract that debt from her hide. Annah, please, call me whenever. While I can’t just up and leave to see a friend, I can always talk.”

“Emma, I have no prior experience with having a friend. I ... It’s not the first thing that comes to mind when I’m having trouble. I ... I’ll try to remember.”

“Please do. I’d survive if you don’t remember, but it wouldn’t be fun ... or even enjoyable anymore. I can’t hold KyleIan without you, so if you ... succumb, they’ll be left adrift.”