Chapter 2

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, grabbed my walking staff, took off hiking a new route, turned around at two miles, and headed home. After my shower, I dressed and went to the kitchen for breakfast with Mom. She had breakfast ready, and we ate, then attacked the garden and took a short break. Next, we put up the storm windows and doors, finished at 2 p.m., ate a snack, showered, and relaxed until dinner. While we ate, I asked Mom to remeasure me and document the door frame so we could take it with us. And that’s what we did, and I grew another 3” to 4’5”. Mom laughed and said Johnnie Boy is buying you new clothes this time, and they will be really nice. We’ll shop until we drop on his credit card. Then he’ll flip, having to do it again soon. We went to bed early to rest up for leaving tomorrow.

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, did my yoga routine, showered, dressed, and carried my computer parts box and clothes to the car. Mom had breakfast ready, so we ate. Then I disconnected my computer, disabled the internet, and loaded it into the SUV. Then I helped Mom carry her stuff to the SUV. Finally, we were done, and the last thing was to turn off the water and drain the lines. We left at 10 am and got to the South Carolina house at 1 pm after stopping for take-out lunch. Mom and I ate lunch at the kitchen table, and then she showed me my new room upstairs. It was nice and big, with a study desk for my computer, and after hugging Mom and saying thank you, we unloaded the SUV and put everything away. I set up my computer and checked the internet connection, which was slow. So, I went outside to the box and opened it. I studied it, then removed a resister and closed it up. The speed was a lot better, so I was happy for now.

Mom ordered Italian delivery for dinner, so I asked where Dad was, and Mom said at the office. I asked Mom to hand me her phone after selecting his cell number. She did, and I called Dad and said Mom should be at your office in 5 minutes. She is pissed you weren’t here to greet us and is on the warpath and hung up. We laughed, and I said put a note on your door saying assholes sleep on the couch. Squeeze his balls while we’re here so he knows you’re upset and will try to do better. And put a PS on the note for a credit card to buy the clothes your son needs for the PR shots. We finished dinner and went to bed.

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, grabbed my walking staff, took off running a new route, took it easy, and guessed about two miles. I still felt good, so I made it three, turned around, and came home. After stretching, I showered, dressed, and went to the kitchen to a smiling mom. She said your asshole father came home drunk and couldn’t enter the bedroom. I had wedged a chair under the door handles of the double doors. He cussed up a storm, slept on the couch, and left early this morning, but she held up his wallet and phone, smiling. Mom said hurry, and we’ve got shopping to do.

Our first stop was a super golf store with an indoor driving range. I was fitted from head to toe with apparel, and then they selected clubs for me. From there, we went to get suits, business casual, casual, exercise, and swimwear. Oh, Mom liked the Speedos and hammocks with board shorts over them. She said something like making young women aroused and the men jealous. Then we went shoe shopping and to several jewelry stores. Mom said it wouldn’t seem right not to have a nice watch, a bracelet, and a gold chain with a medallion. But the bracelet and medallion had to match, which took some time. Finally, she found a small jewelry store with just what she wanted in the older part of town. We stopped for my laptop, accessories, and cell phone on the way home. She left Dad’s smoking hot wallet and cell phone on the entry table after taking one credit card in case we forgot anything.

Next, Mom started a load of laundry, and I put the non-washable items in my room and returned to the kitchen. Mom said get dressed up in business casual with your bracelet and medallion. After that, we’ll go to the club and sign you up for golf lessons, add you to our membership, and then get an early dinner. While Mom was introducing me to her friends at the club during dinner, her phone was vibrating up a storm in her purse. We stayed late socializing, and Mom introduced her son to key people. Then we went home to a dark house. Dad’s wallet and cell phone were gone, so we sat down, and Mom played back her phone messages on speakerphone. I took my vitamins and drank a protein shake, listening to Dad ranting and cussing, and then the phone went dead, which was the last call. The first few messages were calmer, like Barbara, please call me immediately. Then they progressively got more desperate and viler. After the last call, Mom said either Dad ran out of steam or passed out. Let’s go to bed. You have golf lessons early, and I have a spa day planned. I hugged Mom goodnight and went to bed with us laughing our asses off.

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, did my yoga routine, showered, dressed, and met Mom in the kitchen. On the way to the club, Mom got a call from Murlean, Dad’s secretary/receptionist. She found Dad passed out drunk in his office, so she called paramedics, and they took him to the hospital for a checkup. Mom got the name of the hospital and then chatted with Mullein. They were laughing and conversing like lifelong friends by the end of the call. Mom said your father got drunk in his office and fell, hitting his head on the desk. We’ll stop by the hospital on the way home and visit him laughing. Mom said she has felt revitalized since my arrival, and the weight of John off her back makes her feel like a young woman again. I told her, but you are a sexy young woman, Mom. How old are you, by the way? And she punched me, laughing, saying it’s none of your business, Bucko.

I spent the first two hours on the practice range, learning the clubs, stance, grip, and swing. David Lloyd, the club pro, was impressed with my progress. Then I played 18 holes with three ladies making a foursome. David acted as my caddie, giving me tips and advice along the way. We finished at 11:30 a.m., and David said to return to the practice range early tomorrow morning. We’ll review everything on the practice range again, and then I’ll play the course with him only observing. I thanked him for his help and went to get lunch. After lunch, I changed into my swimsuit and went to the pool.

This was the first time I had swam since leaving on vacation from my home planet. There was a large pond behind our house, and Mom and I would play hooky from work occasionally and skinny dip in the pond. That’s where I learned how to swim and dive off the dock. Mom said Dad hated the water, so it became our thing to do together. As I improved, we would goose each other and try getting away, and a young girl brought me out of my enjoyable remembrance with “Are you new?”

I said no, I’ve been around for fourteen years and my creator’s pride and joy. She allowed me to update automatically as I grew and got older. She said I was her chef de’ ceuvre. I don’t know what that means, but my creator spoke French when she was excited. They call me TJ, and you are, and the poor girl was laughing so hard she couldn’t talk. So, I said, for now, I’ll call you Giggles. Nice meeting you, Giggles. I’m going swimming now and dove into the pool and swam laps. Mom was lying on a lounge when I got out of the pool, so I went over and sat next to her. Mom told me to get dressed so we could go home, get ready for dinner, and visit Dad.

I told Mom about my first golf lesson and 18 holes on the drive home. Then I told her about tomorrow morning, and Mom said I could drive the golf cart to the club. She showed it to me when we got home. Then, she made me take her on a test drive up and down the street to be sure I could drive it safely. I put my golf gear in the cart, took my wet swimwear to the laundry, and showered. I dressed casually, put on my bracelet and medallion, and met Mom in the kitchen. I felt tingling throughout my body and thought, “Oh no, not again so soon.” We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. While waiting for our dinner, I told Mom about meeting giggles. She thought it hilarious and wanted to meet giggles and be introduced as my creator. We were both laughing when dinner arrived.

Mom put on rubber gloves and a mask the hospital supplied when we arrived at Dad’s room. Mom said she would have a short conversation with Dad, so watch the door and chucked. I heard a sharp scream, then mumbled, talking. Mom returned, threw the gloves and mask in the trash, and we left. On the way home, Mom said your dad is an idiot. He thought he could have a piece on the side and run for public office, and no one would notice. I told his balls I noticed, and Murlean is now his office balls reminder. The whore executive assistant was fired per his instructions to Murlean. So now it’s just him and Mullein until after the election. I changed my mind, and the device goes on when he comes home from the hospital. Mom smiled all the way home. I hugged Mom goodnight, told her I liked my hot, vibrant new Mom, and went to bed laughing.

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, did my yoga routine, showered, dressed, and set up my laptop. First, I cleaned the bloatware, adjusted the bios, and updated the sign-in. Windows was too easy to get into. So, I devised a solution, and now the laptop boots up to a blank screen with a blinking cursor. And unless you know the passcode, you’re screwed. Once past the blank screen, Windows starts and asks for another code. I loaded my tool kit and put it into a secure hidden folder, then shut it down and went to breakfast. I ate a cold breakfast, took my vitamins and protein drink, and drove the golf cart to the practice range.

I got a bucket of balls and warmed up, starting with my irons and finishing with the drivers. The club pro, David Lloyd, came out with two more buckets and showed me how to fade a shot left or right with the drivers. Then, how to make a ball run, bite, and reverse with the irons. From there, we went to the sand traps and the putting green. David arranged for me to join a group of three young ladies in their early thirties for a foursome. They were a lot of fun to play with and funny, too. At one point, they were shaking their hips more than normal. I told them it was unfair to tease me and that I could get disqualified for having an extra club in my bag. That sent them into a laughing fit. And that only encouraged them to show more cleavage and bend over more.

In a deep, low announcer voice, I say this is Jack Wild for National Geographic, and you’re witnessing a rare event today. Three lionesses are on the hunt for prey. Oh my, this is unbelievable. They’re sending out a mating call and hunting at the same time. Out here on the plains, we call it bag and tag em. But wait, I smell something. Yes, it’s like perfume. They are diffidently in heat. Tune in next week and see if they attract the Stud Lyon they’re looking for to enhance their hunt. Of course, they’ll devour the poor guy, but watching it will be entertaining. Till next week, goodnight from the hunting grounds of humanity. I’m Jack Wild.

I finish the round by myself, leaving the ladies and David Lloyd, the club pro, laughing hysterically on their knees. And I shot a four over par, so I was happy getting better so quickly. After changing, I went to the pool and found Mom lying on a lounge and making a growling noise sitting down. Mom asked if I was hungry, laughing, and I said yes, seeing you in that suit all the more. Is it new? Mom said yes, your father bought it for me while we were shopping, but he’ll never see it laughing. I told Mom I’m staying close to protect you from the wolves. Mom, look! The other ladies are covering up and leaving, realizing they’ve been outclassed, and Mom laughs again. We enjoyed the afternoon by the pool, then went home after stopping at CVS for Dad’s sleeping aid pills. It was a good thing we did because the hospital called and said they were discharging Dad in the morning.

We showered and changed clothes, then went to dinner at a local steak house Mom liked. From the welcome we received, they liked Mom, too. After an enjoyable dinner and some banter, we went home, and I took my vitamins and protein drink. Then we moved Dad’s things into the guest room. Cleaning out Dad’s side of the dresser, I held up a pair of his underwear. And I said, tightly whities? You poor woman, no wonder you’re kicking him out of the bedroom, and we both laughed. Then I asked Mom if those were skid marks pointing to discoloration in his underwear. Mom had to sit down because she was laughing so hard. After moving Dad’s things, I told Mom we needed to wash our hands. Finally, I hugged Mom goodnight and reminded her of my golf lessons in the morning.

I awoke, exercised, practiced my huku, sensed the area, grabbed my walking staff, and took off running my route, increasing my speed and stride. I felt good when I reached the turnaround point, so I increased my pace again and returned home. After stretching, I showered, dressed, went to the kitchen for breakfast, vitamins, and protein drink then drove the golf cart to the practice range. Sitting in the cart for a few minutes, I established a warm-up routine from David Lloyd’s lessons in my mind, then got two buckets of balls and began.

I went to the start’s shack and signed up for a round when I finished. Then I went shopping in the pro shop and picked up some polo shirts, towels, and new golf balls I wanted to try. I was called to fill out a group of Spanish businessmen for their round. They spoke Spanish, and I quickly picked up the language by the third hole. They were here to finalize and sign a deal to supply auto parts to Auto Parts Is Us. Auto Parts Is Us was going national, and the deal would make them millions. I hoped it wasn’t Peso’s.

I called Mom on the ninth hole break and told her to buy 10k shares in Auto Parts Is Us now, and I’ll explain later, then hung up. These guys may be good businessmen, but they were terrible golfers. I made even par and beat them by ten or more strokes. I ran into David Lloyd, the club pro leaving, and he said I watched your round. Keep practicing, and I’ll enter you in the junior Tournament in two weeks. By the way, those ladies had to change their panties because of you, and he left laughing.

When I got home, Dad had Mom back up against the wall, yelling at her, so I kicked him in the balls as hard as possible. He screamed, dropped to his knees, then passed out. I hugged Mom and asked if she was alright. She said I arrived just in time because your father had woken up five minutes before and saw his new friend when he went to pee. Mom was laughing because Dad screamed my dick is caged. Mom struggled to talk and laugh simultaneously but said I walked in just as Dad caught her. Mom hugged me, thanking me for the help. I asked Mom if that made me Dad’s official home balls reminder or if we double-team him, you from the front and me from the rear. Mom had to sit down because she was laughing so hard.

When she settled down, I told her the cage looked cute, and if she shaved Dad, he would look like a little boy. Mom’s eyes widened, and she said great idea and ran to her bedroom. When Mom returned, she had clippers, a towel, a washcloth, and a jar of hair removal cream. I helped strip Dad but told her I was not touching that pointing at his dick. She said I’m not either putting on rubber gloves—no telling where it’s been or what diseases it has and started the process. When Mom finished, I told her it was a work of art, and she said great idea TJ took out her phone and took pictures.

Mom and I were eating lunch when Dad started to moan and then threw up. We finished lunch, Mom cleaned up the mess, then sat and watched Dad. He finally woke up and realized he was nude on the floor. His hands went to his crotch, and Dad felt the cage and new grooming job and screamed. Then Dad looked around and saw Mom and I sitting at the table, smiling at him. Mom said good afternoon, John. Meet your son TJ. TJ, this sad example of a man is your dad. I would ask you to shake hands, but he’s been rubbing his crotch, and no telling what diseases he’s carrying. So, say hello, for now, laughing.