Story #1

It was 10 am and I had just sent Virgil to the Co-Op to get some supplies. I was walking up to the house thinking I was going to enjoy another cup of coffee when my wife at the time (number 2) said the Sheriff was on the phone. When I picked up Sheriff Bull Stanton was all excited.

“Captain, most of my deputies are in a training seminar this morning and the ones on duty are busy with a wreck up on the highway. We just got a call from that neighbor of yours, Mrs. Couch. You know her?”

“Of course. Both her and her husband are nurses at the clinic in town.”

“That’s her. Anyway she is on the phone with the 911 operator saying she is in the up-stairs closet and there are two men in her house. I am still 20 minutes out can you get there and see what is going on?”

“Sure no problem.” Now you should know I am a Reserve Deputy. That’s why he called me.

I hung up and went to the gun cabinet. I already had my Colt .45 auto in my shoulder holster, I am always armed, so I selected a 16 gauge pump shotgun. Like all my weapons it is fully loaded. Why have a weapon that needs to be loaded when you need it most? I also picked up my wife’s deer rifle, a 30-30 lever action. She is going with me. Overwatch!

I pull the truck up in front of the Couch’s two story house and notice there is a car with out of state plates on it in the driveway. The front door is ajar. I tell my wife to get behind the truck and shoot anybody who comes out that door that is not me. No questions. She takes up her position as I enter the house. I notice the door has been pried open. I carefully ease up the stairs and search for the master bedroom. I open the closet door and see her cowering in the corner talking on the phone. I take the phone and tell the 911 operator who I am and for her to tell the Sheriff I have Mrs. Couch.

We start back down the stairs when I hear voices!

My wife is talking to somebody!

“Now baby doll you don’t want to shot me do you?”

“Stop walking and put your pistol down! I swear I’ll shoot you”

He is not obeying her and keeps walking real slow towards her with his pistol at his side. He knows he is out of range with that short barrel .38 he is carrying and wants to get closer! My wife is shaking so bad she probably could not hit the house. He knows that!

With Mrs. Couch behind me I shout, “Hey asshole!”

He turns and his pistol is coming up when all 12 pellets from the 00 shot hit him dead center in the chest. He was lifted up and thrown backwards. He laid very still as the nurse screamed and ran to him.

“You killed him!”

“No shit.”

I walk over to my wife and take the rifle out of her shaking hands.

“I’m sorry I just could not pull the trigger. I’ve never shot a man before!” After two tours in Nam I do not have that problem.

I open the truck door and I am putting her inside when the Sheriff rolls up. He looks at the dead body then asks about the other one.

It was then we heard the back screen door slam and saw this guy running across the side yard.

I grabbed the rifle and put a shot in the ground in front of him. The sheriff yells, “The next one is in your head!”

The man stopped, dropped the pistol he was carrying and put his hands in the air. He is being handcuffed and placed in the back of the sheriff’s car when Mr. Couch pulls up. He runs and hugs his still crying wife.

She points at me and with venom in her voice yells, “He killed that man!”

“I think the Captain saved your life. If either man had found you they would have killed you.” The Sheriff is telling her the truth.

“He did not have to shoot him. He never gave him a chance to surrender.”

I laughed.

“My wife gave him the chance, he did not take it.”

She turns to her husband and starts her rant.

“I told you moving out here was a mistake. It’s like we are living with a pack of wolves. I hate these people. They are what is wrong with this country today. Everybody thinks they need to walk around armed like it is a hundred years ago...”

Sheriff Bull cut her off.

“You think we are wolves? That thug in the car and his partner over there on the ground are the wolves. People like you are sheep! People like me and the Captain here are the sheepdogs. Be thankful you have someone to protect you!”

He shook my hand and I took the wife home. Neither of the Couch’s ever thanked me.

A couple of weeks later I passed by their house and saw a moving van loading their furniture. There was a ‘for sale’ sign in the yard.

Story #2

It was about 2:30 in the afternoon and I had told the two young men washing my truck that when they were finished they could take off for the day. I am leaving this afternoon to catch a flight to go see my brother, the ex-squid, who is in the hospital in another city. The doctors say Agent Orange has killed his heart and he needs a transplant. Everybody is blaming Agent Orange for his health problems. His two pack a day habit may have something to do with it but that is never mentioned.

I try not to think about that too much as I watch these two wash my truck.

One is called Pickle. He got that name when he was a baby. His big sister (and I mean Big Sister, that girl must weigh over 300 lbs.) was giving him a bath. She commented that his manhood looked like a little sweet pickle. The ‘sweet’ was dropped when he was about 7 years old but Pickle stuck. I have no idea what his real name is.