Chapter 6

Cross-legged on the floor, Eva reached into her open trunk and pulled out her doodshemd.

The floral scent still clung to the material. She pressed it against her nose and inhaled as if she were trying to lock it into her lungs.

Perhaps she was.

She traced the threading of her initials with gentle fingers. Should she bring this dress with her tomorrow after the wedding ceremony?

From a practical point of view, there was no need. She and Luc were not going to consummate their marriage vows. Her breath hitched in her throat while a peculiar heaviness settled over her. She knew that well over a month ago. Why should the thought of never experiencing her husband’s touch bother her like this? It wasn’t as if she wanted to experience the intimacies of marriage.

Did she?

Certainly, she had no desire to bear children on a yearly basis as her mother had done.

“Why are you sad, Eva?” she whispered in the stillness of the room. She flicked her gaze around the room until it rested on the wedding dress she’d made in the corner. Before she’d left her home in Michigan, she and Mother had spent several evenings together making it.

She hadn’t expected the dress to turn out as lovely as it did. The greenish gown overlaid in lace with a high neck, pearl buttons along the front and ruffled edging created a vision to behold. Eva knew that even with her birthmark, she’d at least look passable tomorrow.

Maybe Luc would even find her pretty. He’d never remarked on her looks, so she had no idea what he thought. Did it matter? She wanted to say that it didn’t as she’d long lived with her unattractiveness but in her heart of hearts, she hoped he found her a little presentable.

Pulling her focus away from the dress, she fiddled with her long braid draped like a rope over her shoulder as she recalled the meeting with the dominee that afternoon. Luc had rowed across the river to bring the dominee to Evansgrove, having advised the minister to accept lodgings there.

The dominee, a fierce looking man with white hair and piercing blue eyes, had shook her hand. “Good Dutch girl,” he’d said to Luc who stood by her to perform the introduction.

Luc stiffened in an odd way. From his profile, he appeared to be shocked. “Dank u wel,” he’d said after a moment. Later, they had gone to his office where the dominee spent an hour telling them what their duties were to each other as husband and wife. Eva listened as she was expected to although the man seemed to vacillate between wise counsel and preaching.

When the dominee discussed that the purpose of their marriage was to be fruitful, she’d been unable to hide the blush that crept over her face. Luc’s dark-eyed gaze had met her own, but, as was his habit, they remained unreadable.

“What are you doing up?”

Her head jerked up to see her aunt had awakened and had moved to the foot of the bed.

“I thought you were sleeping, Tante.”

“And why aren’t you?”

Eva looked away. “I w-was just going through my things for tomorrow.”

“Oh, lieveling, you don’t have to lie to me.” Aunt Nethanja rose from the bed and came to sit cross-legged beside her. “Why are you nervous?”

Eva lay the dress on her lap. “What woman wouldn’t be on the eve before her marriage?”

“Ah, but as you have told me countless times in the past few days, this isn’t a normal marriage.” Her aunt paused. Once again, Eva sensed a battle going on within her aunt. The piercing gray stare, the grim line of her lips, and the sudden tension surrounding her, pointed to the fact that the woman was struggling with revealing something to her.

“What is it, Tante? You’ve been trying to tell me something. What is it?”

Aunt Nethanja slid her gaze away. “Do you want it to be a normal marriage, Eva?”

Eva pushed away a lock of hair that had fallen over her. Her fingers fidgeted with the hem of the doodshemd. “You’ve already asked me that, Tante.”

“True,” she acquiesced with a slight nod. “But what is your answer? This morning, you were emphatic in your denial. Now, in the dark of the night, what is it now?”

Eva rolled her neck. How like her aunt to be uncannily accurate. “I don’t know.”

“Well, this simply won’t do.” Her aunt stood and went over to where their belongings lay in a bundle. She came back a few seconds later with a small piece of paper and a nub of a pencil. She drew a cross on it and labeled the right side of the line, “doodshemd” and the other “no doodshemd”.

“Now, let us list our reasons for either. And if the list of one is longer than the other, then you have your answer.”

Eva groaned. “Is this really necessary? Luc and I have already confirmed what the nature of our marriage will be.”

Aunt Nethanja ignored her. “Now, under ‘doodshemd’, why would you give yourself to this man?”

Having to write down reasons! “Tante, this is ridiculous.”

Her aunt said nothing but waited with the pencil poised over the paper. Eva blew out an exasperated breath. “Well, I guess, b-b-because he is my husband. He has certain marital rights, doesn’t he?”

“Pah!” Aunt Nethanja scorned with a hardened look in her eyes. “If that were the only reason, you wouldn’t be here. Nee, pick another one.”

“Tante—”

“Do it.”

Eva glanced away into the dark corners of the room. Slowly, as if the words were being pulled out of her like one would a long rope from a deep pit, she said. “Because ... part of me wants to,” she whispered.

There! She’d admitted it. For a woman who never expected to marry, and thus experience a man’s possession, she found herself in that curious of situations – to take back her very words.

Mostly, for once in her life, she wanted a man to find her beautiful. She sent a prayer heavenward.

Her aunt’s next word brought her back to the matter at hand. “Why shouldn’t you?”

“Because ... part of me doesn’t want to.”

Wasn’t it better this way? If she kept her distance from Luc, her body and heart would remain intact. Thinking again of her mother, how she called for Father the day Floris was born, Eva knew she didn’t want to be enslaved to her emotions like that. Her mother had changed from a strong woman to one that grasped for her husband’s approval.

Every time Father came home, it was to get Mother with child before he left again. Mother had accepted that repeatedly. Eva never wanted that for herself.

“What’s the next reason?”

They went down the list. As Eva watched the list for each side, she noticed that to bring the doodshemd had more to do with the idea she felt comfortable with giving herself to Luc because he was nothing like her father. The other side contained reasons related to the fact she didn’t want to because maybe he would end up like her father.

“It would seem we’re at an impasse,” Aunt Nethanja said. “You’ve equal reasons on both sides.”

“So we do,” Eva murmured. “If there’s doubt, then I should err on the side of caution as it were. Not give myself to him.”

“Or, you can throw all caution to the wind, Eva.” She set aside the paper and grabbed Eva’s hands. “Think of it. You can’t spend your whole life afraid that Luc will be like your father. I am rarely wrong about things of this nature. Luc will never be that way!”

Eva stared at their clasped hands. “But how can I be sure? Moeder once was happy without the anxiety. It was Vader who changed her into the dreadful creature when Floris was born.”

“And it was you who helped her to return to who she was before.”

She said nothing for a long moment. All her senses muted, even her sight as she dug deep within herself to find the answers to her questions. They weren’t forthcoming.

If she submitted herself to Luc’s possession, could she be going down the same path as her mother had? Would she become the grasping, anxious creature who believed all rested on her husband?

Luc de Jeu had yet to give her the impression that he was like her father. Not yet. But could she trust the man she was beginning to know? What if, after they said their vows, he turned into someone else? Would he try to possess her without her will?

Eva dismissed that notion as soon as it voiced itself. No, she and Luc had discussed this thoroughly. Marriage in name only, no love, but they would have each other’s loyalty.

That would be enough.

Still...

She came out of herself to drift her eyes to the doodshemd.

“Eva, come to bed.”

A hard jolt sprung her out of her reverie. She looked to see Aunt Nethanja gazing at her with a solemn expression. “I’m sorry. I was ... thinking.”

“Obviously. You have a big day tomorrow. Even though there will be only a few of us there, we will all be there.”

“Ja.” She yawned hugely and stretched her arms over her head. “I’ll go to bed.”

By tomorrow, she’ll know if she’d take the light gown with her or not.

She placed the doodshemd back in her trunk, blew out the candle, and padded over to her side of the bed. Looking out the window, she glanced down but then quickly gasped, stepping back.

“What is it?”

Eva swallowed. “Nothing. Just thought I saw something scurry along the window.”

“Must be some night creature,” her aunt concluded sleepily. “Come, rest.”

She grunted in assent, but her feet remained rooted to the floor. Her focus drifted down to where Luc stood, gazing up at her window.

Luc lay still on the bedroll, his eyes locked onto the ceiling rafters. Around him, everyone laid on the floor, sprawled in various positions like dead bodies. However, unlike corpses, all his associates snored. By the inflection of breath, he knew which snore belong to who. The fathers often dragged them along on business trips, so they got used to sleeping in the same room in some capacity.