Chapter 1: Prologue

I was five years old when I knew there was something different about me. It was during my first day of kindergarten. The teacher wanted us to group ourselves by gender, with boys on one side and girls on the opposite side. I made my way to where the girls were gathering. There was giggling by the girls as they saw me coming towards them.

“Steven,” my teacher scolded me. “Get over to the boys’ side where you belong.”

My parents raised me gender neutral. I was allowed to pick what clothes to wear and the toys with which I could play. This is the first time that I was told that I had to behave in a certain way based on a certain gender. I knew that I was a boy, but I always felt that I was a girl. Being around girls always made me feel more comfortable with myself. Now, I was told that I had to pick a side.

I stood there in shock for a few minutes before I went over to where the boys were gathered. I heard one boy whisper loud enough so that I could hear but not loud enough for the teacher to hear him. “Sissy,” he said to me. That was the first time I was called that, and it wouldn’t be the last.

I went home that day and told my parents about what happened to me over dinner.

“What is a sissy, mommy?” I asked.

“It is a word that people use to insult boys that act like girls.” She answered me. “There is nothing wrong with acting like a girl. Do you want to be a girl, Steven?”

I paused for a few seconds and thought about it. “I am a girl,” I finally replied. “But I don’t want to be one because the other kids tease me.”

My mother and father looked at each other before my father spoke up. “Always be yourself, Steven,” he said in a serious voice that was firm but gentle. “Don’t let bullies change who you are.”

I took my father’s advice, but it was hard to not take the teasing personally. I didn’t make too many friends. I kept mostly to myself.

When I reached the first grade my teacher suggested that they have me see a psychologist. My parents agreed and set up an appointment with Dr. Hughes. I would be seeing her for years to come on a weekly basis. That first day I saw her I told her that I’m not a boy but a girl. She asked me why I think that I’m a girl.

“I don’t know,” I said to her. “I just know that I am.”

She nodded her head in understanding. “It can be hard to know why we behave the way that we do,” she reassured me. “If I was asked that question, I wouldn’t be able to describe how I know what gender I am. I notice that you are dressed as a boy. Why don’t you dress as a girl?”

“I would like to dress as a girl, but I’m not allowed to unless I’m at home.” “Would you like to dress as a girl all the time?”

I nodded my head. “Yes,” I simply said.

“Do I have permission to talk about this with your parents and the school?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I guess.”

The following week I went to school dressed as a girl. I was wearing a pale blue dress that rested just above my knees. It was sleeveless with a v-neckline. It was one of my favorite dresses that I frequently wore at home. This was the first time I have worn it out in public.

At first, there was some snickering and whispering among my classmates. It wasn’t long before Marty Felon, my biggest bully, came up to me.

He looked directly into my eyes, “why are you wearing that for? It isn’t Halloween.”

“Because I want to,” I snapped back.

“Are you trying to be a girl or something?”

“I am a girl,” I replied trying to stand my ground. “I’ve always been a girl.”

“I knew it,” his lips formed somewhere between a smirk and a smile. Without another word, he turned around and headed inside the classroom.

I didn’t realize how tense I was until he walked away. I was expecting him to be more hurtful and disapproving. I felt my body slowly start to relax as I followed him into the classroom.

The bell rang starting off our day. The teacher led us to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and our classroom rules. Then we all took our seats.

“Now, children,” the teacher said to us standing in front of the class. “You might have noticed something different in class today. We have a new student. Her name is Stephanie. Everyone welcome her and say hello.”