Chapter 7

The next week was in a word boring. I was on lock down waiting for my next Dr. appointment and I had way to much time to spend inside my head thinking. WHY? HOW? Or was it WHO?. On first thought waking up in the past seems like it would answer so many questions but it didn’t answer as many as it created.

I thought I remembered that time travel was not Mathematically impossible just that the energy needed didn’t seem to be possible to create and control. But this wasn’t that kind of time travel. I hadn’t hopped into a DeLorean and popped back to chat with my old self. No, somehow I had connected with my own Consciousness.

Was that God? Did this prove a higher power or did it disprove it. You would think something as big as this with all the implication I could think of and more that I was sure I was too stupid to even realize, that this would prove something, but what?

The Many Worlds Theory. Was this even my world or was it just one of an unlimited number of possible permutations. I hadn’t got hurt this bad the first time. What changed. Did some higher power intervene?

Did I cause the worse accident by touching my 11 year old Consciousness at the moment of my death and if so how did I reach out and touch it. Did that touch change my reaction time a fraction of a second leading to my hitting the pole instead of the fence with my head?

Was this happening to people all the time or was it just one chance in the trillions of trillions of possible outcomes. Had I won the Cosmic Lottery and could I keep it from becoming one of those lotto horror stories where at the end the day the person swears they wish they had never won.

I was giving myself a migraine.

On Tuesday I got the large envelope from DR. Griefahn. I had promised to write so I used the 2 hour gap from when mom left for work and when Kevin got home to write her and talk about my first week home. I put it in the mail box as soon as I finished it to keep myself from throwing it away.

I couldn’t write about the existential gymnastics I was putting myself thru but I did my best to just dump all the feelings I was going through and hoped it would be enough.

I was still 11 and I still lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere and I could not in any way affect the world at large. My little part of the world was changed just by me being me in the here and now but the rest of the planet went on about existing with no regard for me.

This stuff was a never ending rabbit hole and if I let myself explore it to deeply I might never find my way back. What had Beverly told me. Don’t try for control but work instead for acceptance.

I couldn’t explain the how or why so I would work to accept my life as it was now.

Youth was wasted on the young. How as an adult do you not remember the crazy extreme levels of energy coursing thru you every day. Was it a case of slowly boiling the frog. You lose the energy so slowly over decades you never realized just how much had drained away. Well I realized it and I was like a caged lion.

How was I going to get thru each day when I had this much energy and no desire to do all the things a typical 11 year old would be doing. I know how I spent most summers at this age. On my bike getting into trouble with my cousins or playing at the slough in the bamboo. We had what seemed like miles of trails in the bamboo along the slough banks and we built forts and played all the games kids played at this age but that was the problem I wasn’t a kid of this age on the inside.