Chapter 5

The Catheter removal was all the brochure’s advertised and you should definitely add it to your bucket list. The short walk was just short of an Appalachian trail hike and dinner was another round of liquids.

Waking just a bit as someone took vitals in the barely lit room and then I faded back to sleep and woke as breakfast was being delivered.

Woot solid food – sorta

A scrambled egg, ½ cup oatmeal, tea, orange juice and a pretend jello.

It all went down today and I was practically buzzing with energy after eating. What the hell no wonder kids can’t sit still. This energy level is starting to annoy the hell out of me. I want and need to move but moving hurts but I need to move what a dam mess.

I get another walk it just feels good to walk down the hallway but finally I am feeling the fatigue and we make it back to my room must before Dr. Phillips stops by.

“How are we feeling today Mark?”

“pretty good Dr. Phillips” “Just got back from a walk and I ate all my breakfast”

“well that’s good to hear” “your x-ray was good, the arm is healing fine and you will just need the soft cast for another 10 days and then you should fine.”

“Now you need to give us a urine sample and have a bowl movement and will be able to start you on your way home.”

I smiled and said I would get to work right away on the last two things on my checklist. Dr. Phillips just laughed and said he would see me tomorrow as he made his way out.

Right after he left Dr. Griefahn, Beverly, poked her head into the room and spotting me over at the wall came in. “are you hiding from me” I went by your room and it was empty”

“yea, I paid the orderlies a dollar to hide me in a different” “Guess a dollar doesn’t buy but much loyalty these days”

Beverly just laughed as she pulled a chair up.

Are you OK. talking here or do want me to get a wheelchair and we can move to an empty office?

“NO, here’s fine” What do you want to discuss today?

“any dreams since you woke up?” “No, Nothing” I reply

“I talked to you mom again this morning and she was so happy to hear you doing so well” “Mark, I put your mother in touch with our Financial aid dept they will work with your parents to work out a settlement on the balance not covered by Insurance.

“Your mom started crying when I told her you felt guilty for putting the family in so much financial stress. She said that was so like you and she explained about being a single mother for years and how you felt so much pressure to be the man of the house. She told me she got remarried last year but you seemed to feel even more pressure instead of less.”

“Mark, she told me of the bullies and all the fights and how you had so much anger at your Father for leaving”

“He’s not My FATHER” I replied loudly as the anger and hurt roared to the surface and I just started crying, I hate him, he did all this to me. He made me hate him and he left us to barely survive and he let the bullies pick on me and never helped so we always had no choices. Survive was the only choice left at the bottom.

I won’t be weak like him I won’t” I was way to loud and was falling to pieces and all the promises I made myself about staying in control just collapsed and the last thing I said “why did they have to let me wake up” then I just curled up on the bed and cried.

A hand was softly rubbing my back and I heard a softly whispered “No that’s OK, I’ll stay for bit we have a little more we need to work on”

After an unknown number of minutes DR. Griefahn softly called my name, “Mark”

“Mark, can you turn around and look at me?” Please.

I turned slowly as the hormonal dump drained away and I just felt tired so tired. How could he still have so much impact on me. He had been dead a decade before this all happened and still from the grave he was still cutting little pieces out of my soul and I seemed powerless to stop him.

Did I fight back so violently against the bullies cause I could do nothing about the pain he caused me inside. Why couldn’t I let him go as easily as he had cast me aside.

Beverly was looking at me as I turned around and her Texas Holdem face was gone and nothing but concern and sadness was written in her eyes and she gently started washing my face with a cool washcloth.

“I am so sorry I yelled at you” I softly whispered as she washed my face

“its alright Mark” your mom mentioned you refused to acknowledge her ex as your father and I should have chosen better words. In this job you always keep learning but you never get it right every time and you learn to accept that.

“Mark” we have to talk about the last thing you said. Do you remember what you said?

The emotions were building again but the anger was just from the frustration of all the other emotions I didn’t want to deal with. Where was all my control why was I so weak, I just needed to get control and shove all these feeling down and hold them in till it all passed. I could do this I had done it before by the time I finished jr high I had it all buried and under control and nothing was allowed out and when the Demon began calling to me I had him locked within the anger and hatred and if I hated myself that was OK. because it just got shoved into the same white hot furnace as all the rest and I stayed in control and I would get that control back again and this time I wouldn’t fail I would keep it under control and nobody would be asked to pay for my failures.

The 11 year old was fully in charge and I shook my head no even tho I know I was lying.

“Mark” you asked why did they let you wake up? Do you remember saying that. I was getting more control and trying to lie my out was just childish. So this time I nodded yes.

“Mark have you ever tried to kill yourself? How to answer. Yea, that’s why I’m here. I didn’t think that was the path I needed to go down.

“NO” I don’t think so. “You don’t think so” she repeated back to me as she looked straight into my soul. Could she see the Hatred the Anger the Fear or worse could she see the demon itself.

I hadn’t felt him yet but I know he was hiding somewhere just waiting for the right combination of weakness on my part and victim to spring into action and bring destruction to all around.

She didn’t recoil from seeing all the vile things I new lived within so he must be hiding and biding his time.

“Mark” “how do you not know if have ever tried to kill yourself?”

“NO, I mean I have never tried to kill myself but I never worried if something went wrong and I happened to die. It never seemed like something to worry about live – die. Sometimes the former just feels like its so much more work than its worth.

“Don’t you ever sometimes just get tired of keeping it all under control and wonder if the later choice isn’t just easier?”

Beverly looked at me an odd look for a second then it passed and she leaned in real close.

“Mark” “I am going to share the greatest secret of mankind with you”

“Do you want the biggest secret in the world” I nodded slowly

“Control is an illusion” its “An erroneous perception of reality” do you understand what that means?

“I think so” I answer slowly.

“Mark” everyone tries to keep their little part of the world from spinning out of control but the number of things in life that are just always out of your control greatly out numbers the things you can always control.

And Mark, trying to control all the things you can’t will do so much harm. The thing you work towards is not control but acceptance – you accept the things you have control of and you accept that all the things you have no control over will always be greater and those things out of your control can hurt you or others you love.

“Mark” The first thing on the list of things you can’t control is everyone else. They make there own decisions and you may get hurt by those decisions but that is out of your control.

What is in your control is how you decide to react both to the decision and your lack of control in that decision.

Now I am going to let you get some rest and I want you to think about what we have discussed. She got up off the edge of the bed and dropping the wash cloth into the dirty linen receptacle along the wall she disappeared behind the curtain and out the door.

I just lay there thinking when I heard a small voice ask if I was OK. I looked toward the curtains separating the beds. “yea I think so” I answered.

Whats your name? He asked me “I’m Billy” Hi Billy, My name is Mark OH yea I guess I did hear the lady call you that when you were talking.

Looking at the curtain I realized Billy probably heard some of what was said cause I got kinda loud.

“It’s alright to cry, sometimes it just hurts a little to much and momma says a little cry can help you get thru it.”

It was official I had hit a new low. I was getting a pep talk from the boy wrapped like a mummy.

“Billy, what happened to you? You don’t have answer if its to personal.

He was quiet for a moment then just barely above a whisper “We went camping and I was going to help Daddy make breakfast and we were at the camp stove and I was holding the eggs while daddy was trying to get the stove to light”

Mommy said the stove exploded and Daddy got burned on his chest and belly and I was burned on my face and shoulders. He is in another part of the hospital and he has a skin graph surgery today so Momma is staying over there today.

“Mark” yea Billy, “I am sorry you don’t like your dad but I am so scared of losing mine.” The last two words barely squeaked out and I could hear soft sobs.