Chapter 2

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. The sound hung on the edge of my consciousness, annoying but not so much that you care to do anything about it. About it, what was it I was going to do about it. These thought formed and faded over an unknown time period. I seemed to go in and out of the darkness. Sometimes the sound was there sometimes it wasn’t or was it always there but I failed to reach the surface of the darkness to hear it.

This time I broke the surface and I suddenly realized what the sound was. It was the sound of Hospital monitors. I had spent weeks listening to then before taking my wife home to die. It meant only one thing, I had failed again. First I had failed to control the Demon inside me and now I had failed to kill it. There was no light and I couldn’t move so I drifted back into the darkness of my mind.

My next conscious thoughts lasted longer this time. I still could not see any light and I couldn’t move my arms but I felt my legs shifting so cuffed to the bed was my final thought this trip to the surface. I woke up later and I could tell this time it was different. I didn’t just bob along on the surface and then slip back under I woke up as if from a long sleep and I felt awake and could feel myself as I tried to move.

So I tried the arms again but no go still cuffed to the bed I guess. Cant see any light, not sure why my eyes are covered. I moved my legs and they seemed to work but oh boy that was some pain in my left leg. My movements must have got some attention from somewhere cause it was followed by a female voice asking me to lie still and not move around to much.

I tried to say something and no words formed. I realized my mouth was so dry nothing close to English was coming out. I heard a shushing sound for the female voice followed by the head of my bed slowing moving up. After a few seconds the bed stopped and I felt a piece of ice touch my lips. Never has an ice chip melted so fast as the one that entered the dry sponge that was my mouth. It was followed by a second piece that lasted a bit longer and I waited for the third but I didn’t come. The voiced asked me if that was better and slowly I worked up the Yes, thank you that squeaked out of my throat. I didn’t even recognize my own voice. The voice informed me The Doctor will be with you shortly please just stay calm and don’t move around to much if you can OK. I relaxed back into the bed and just answered OK.

Not being able to move my arms made since but not being able to see not so much. I felt more pain down my left side than I thought I should be feeling and I had one hell of a headache but Carbon monoxide poisoning and a fistful of Valium would do that to you so not much of a surprise there.

How did I fail? did the police arrive in time to force open the garage door and air out the car to save me. Was the garage or car not as airtight as I believed them to be. Didn’t matter at this point. I was alive and now the process of paying for my crimes would begin and I would instead die of old age in a prison somewhere but at least the Demon would never see the light of day again and I was to old for the rage and anger he had feed me as a child growing up.

My name is Mark James Gerard and I was born in 1969. I can only image I was an angry baby cause I know I was an angry child and adolescent.

My father, the sperm donor, was Ronald James Gerard and the shared middle name was all I ever wanted to share with him. My older brother by 2 years died when I was 3. All I was every told was he was born with brain damage and never developed past the infant stage. My mother Molly was 7 months pregnant when my older brother passed and was 7 months pregnant when the sperm donor walked out the door the day after the funeral to parts unknown.

Mom worked as a waitress in a truck stop on the freeway 3 miles outside of town and we lived in a small town of 3 thousand with 2 bars and 12 churches yea it took only 2 places to find a drink but it took 12 to find a God you could live with. She had 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters even if one of the younger sisters was only younger by 6 minutes.

What do I remember of my childhood, not as much as some people claim to remember of theirs but then again maybe they had something good to hold onto. I remember chaos and hunger. Mom worked the afternoon shift in my youngest years needing to be at work by 1pm so it was always someone house I would be dropped off at to be picked up around 9:30. It was never the same place very many days in a row. I guess it was to spread the load.