CAUTION - no matter what you expect, this won’t be it. I originally wrote this as a creativity exercise.

A friend’s comment after reading was, “Whatever you’re high on, bring me some.”

“Astrophytum eros” is the Latin species name, but it’s commonly called the “Colonial Militia Cactus”. It and its offshoot species are among the most widespread plants in the universe now. It rivals pine, oak, corn, and rice in popularity. That fact goes firmly against common sense, since it’s bitter and toxic if eaten and next to useless as a building material.

Instead of growing tall like trees, it spreads out along the ground, rarely growing more than shoulder high. Ancient specimens sometimes cover up to a fifty-meter square area. The juice is a mild hallucinogen, and a few adventurous students attempted to ingest it as a drug. They deeply regretted their experiment as they laid in a hospital violently ill for days. Its popularity is exclusively the result of its shape and texture.

The plant’s ancestor species, “Astrophytum cavitum”, had evolved small cavities around its perimeter which wasps would inhabit. The space provided them with a comfortable refuge, and their waste fertilized the plant. When an herbivore would attempt to eat the cactus, the wasps would fly out and attack to protect their home. Both species benefited, and a long-term symbiotic relationship developed between them. Being protected by aggressive insects, the cacti no longer needed their spines, and lost them over hundreds of generations. In addition, the wasps frequently spread the plant’s seeds around and get more living space as a reward.

The Colonial Militia Cactus is one of the few species that have been well-studied as they evolved over hundreds of generations. There is a recording of the very first individual of the species “Astrophytum eros” being discovered by a human, though the video is totally unsuitable for a documentary. After being stationed at a remote observation post for three years with no female companionship, some Colonial Militiaman discovered the plant, and one of them had inappropriate relations with it on a dare. He enjoyed it so much, the rest of the squad followed his example.

The “eros” species has cavities the size, shape, and texture of a human vagina. Wasps are unable to live in them, since the size and shape is so different from what they’re used to. The offspring from the first plant were highly prized by military men stationed at remote bases. Some would offer up to a month’s pay for only a few seeds.

Before long, they spread to hundreds of worlds, then thousands. It’s still a symbiotic relationship. The men obviously get a significant benefit for taking care of the plants, and the cacti get semen fertilizer frequently, in addition to the water the soldiers use to clean out a cavity before they penetrate it.

A new species evolved, “Astrophytum aphrodite”. The “aphrodite” species produces a pheromone which matches that of human females, strongly attracting men. A subspecies, “Astrophytum aphrodite euphorus”, evolved. The mutation provided the plants with an additional benefit. It has a rough outer skin, along with a more potent version of the pheromones. Men love being near the source of the aroma, even hours after sexually exhausting themselves in the cavities. They rub their bodies all over the plants. The abrasive surface of the cactus removes unneeded layers of dead skin, fertilizing the plants further.

The first problems began when the “succubus” species arose. “Astrophytum succubus” has the ability to project its needs and health state psionically. If the plant is too dry, any men nearby want to bring it water, or better yet, urinate on its roots, which gives the plant additional nitrogen. If it needs other nutrients, men happily defecate near the roots, or even buy fertilizer and offer it to the plant as a gift.

Things started getting out of hand when the plants desired more light, and the men put electric lights near the cacti to win their favor. Some remote stations use up to a quarter of their electricity making the plants happy with extra illumination.

A quite disturbing occurrence was the evolution of “Astrophytum necrophili”, an offshoot of the “succubus” species, which gets even more fertilizer by encouraging men to change their wills, to be buried near the plant after death. It’s gruesome, but allowed under the law. The men still have free will, and their strange choice doesn’t harm anyone else directly.

The main danger is from the two most recently evolved species, “Astrophytum zombi” and “Astrophytum vampiri”. Full descriptions and suggested methods to combat them will follow...