Chapter 3

Sept – Oct 1964

Once the car left the house, Mutti opened the bulky envelope and shook its contents into her lap. She passed over my British passport. I was now Karlota Miller. I didn’t like my photo. My hair looked awful and I decided that once it had grown, I would ask Mutti if I could have it styled. Mutti was reading through a folder with a colourful picture of a ship on the front.

“We are travelling by ship from Southampton to Sydney. It will take about thirty-five days, it seems. But we’re not stopping there; we’re going by plane to Brisbane wherever that is.”

I recalled my geography lessons. “I think that’s north of Sydney, on the east coast of Australia.”

Mutti examined the papers again. “The ship leaves tomorrow. I wonder where we’ll spend the night?” Mutti returned to the package, pulling out a booklet called Information for Immigrants. She passed to me as she continued working her way through the contents of the envelope.

“Hmmm.”

“What?”

“It seems you have a scholarship to the Brisbane Girls Grammar School for the four remaining years of your schooling, starting in January.”

“Why would I need a scholarship for a grammar school? The one here was free, wasn’t it?”

Mutti shrugged and passed the letter across to me. “It must be different in Australia.”

The scholarship was from the Royal Engineers Benevolent Fund – my supposed father’s regiment. The scholarship covered everything except uniforms. A letter from the school asked us to visit as soon as we had settled in Brisbane to ‘ascertain an appropriate educational curriculum’ for the 1965 academic year, starting in late January.

As we drove south, I continued browsing through the Information for Immigrants booklet. It sang the praises of Australia as the place to start a new life. I pulled a wry face when I read that – it applied to us in ways the writer did not intend. It had a map of Australia and I showed Mutti where Brisbane was, about 1,000 km north of Sydney, but not even halfway up Australia’s east coast.

Studying the map made me realise how huge Australia was. Vast areas of the continent were empty – or at least there were no cities marked. In geography, we had studied New South Wales and Sydney, the state capital, but that was a small part of Australia. From the map, Western Australia was about a third of Australia and only the state capital, Perth, was marked on the map. The booklet’s claim that immigrants like us would ‘create modern Australia’ had some truth, it seemed. We would be pioneers. After a while, I ran out of things to read and wedged myself in the corner and dozed.

I came half awake and jerked upright, startling Mutti.

“Col ... Kal. What’s the matter?”

My head swivelled round and ... I realised I wasn’t in the car, with my father’s agents kidnapping us. I let out an explosive breath and my heart slowed from its frantic beating.

“What’s wrong, Liebling?” Mutti leant across the backseat to stroke my cheek.

“Sorry, Mutti. I thought I was in the car when we were kidnapped. I panicked.” I took several deep breaths. “I’m OK now.”

Mutti gathered me into her arms. “Oh, Liebling.”

I could hear the guilt in her voice beneath the concern.

We arrived in Southampton in the early evening. The streets were slick with rain, reflecting the streetlights into the car. They deposited two of us, our hand luggage and our big case in front of a hotel outside the docks and drove off. We struggled the large case into the hotel through the drizzle. Mutti produced our reservation paperwork from the package in her shoulder bag.

The hotel was used to people waiting for a ship. They told us that breakfast would start at half-past six and to be in the foyer at half-past eight. A bus would take us to the SS Oriana in Southampton docks. We ate dinner in the hotel and Mutti suggested we get an early night.

I lay in bed for a while, trying to stretch out the kinks from sitting in a car all day. I wondered what Lili and Willi were doing – and if they were thinking of me. School would have restarted for the autumn term.

Were they still meeting after school and practicing their languages?

Choking sadness welled up inside me at the loss of my close friends, of our tight little community with its shared secrets. I was travelling half a world away and reconnecting with them some time in a distant future would be difficult. I could feel moisture gathering in my eyes, but I remembered what Willi told me about his previous life: he had emigrated to Australia. If he emigrated in this life, we might meet up – a rather forlorn hope but some comfort. Threatening dreams invaded my sleep that night, but they faded before I could grasp their evanescent fragments. I woke uneasy at what lay ahead.

We arrived at the docks in wind and rain, the cream-painted steel cliff of the ship towering above us. We walked across the dock and up the gangway with our hand luggage. Stewards directed us through the ship to our cabin on D deck towards the rear of the ship. Mutti unlocked the door to reveal a room about half the size of my room in Herne Bay. It had a pair of bunk beds, a desk, a handbasin and a window. I’d seen a sign to the bathrooms down a side corridor.

The steward directed us inside. “We will deliver your luggage soon.” He pointed at the desk. “There’s a map of the ship there. I suggest you take that with you if you want to explore as it’s easy to get lost. We’re sailing at two o’clock and once we’re at sea, there’ll be a lifeboat drill before dinner.”

Mutti frowned at him. “What?”

He smiled. “In the unlikely event of something happening, everyone must know where to go and what to do. It’s a great opportunity to meet people.”

I could tell from his confident smile he’d had this conversation lots of times with nervous passengers.

“Your lifejackets are stowed in the cupboard.” He opened the door and pointed them out. “You need to put those on for the lifeboat drill.” He gave another reassuring smile. “Now, I’ll let you get settled in.” He left, closing the door behind him.

I examined the map of the ship, working out what it offered.

Mutti turned slowly and shivered. “Thirty-five days in this small space...”

I’d not seen Mutti react like this before and it added to my angst.

Was the limited size throwing up memories of her time in Ravensbrück?

I smiled, trying to reassure her. “We have a marvellous view out of our window and we don’t have to be in here except to sleep. There’ll be lots to do on the ship.” I examined the map, wanting to give Mutti something else to think about. “There’s three swimming pools – but they look short.” I was itching to get into the water and to run again after two days in the library and a day sitting in a car.

Mutti peered over my shoulder. “Is there a library?”

“I don’t see one ... Oh yes, there it is.” I pointed to the map.

“Come on, let’s find it.”

I sensed Mutti’s unease when we set off with the map as our guide. After some wrong turns and directions from the crew, we arrived at the library to find it closed until the following day. We wandered up to an outside deck and stood watching people arriving. The rain stopped and we wandered across the ship to look out across Southampton docks.

England was grey – drab sea and sky echoing with the ugly screech of the gulls. They slid beneath ragged clouds to mob any bird lucky enough to find a morsel of food. There had been gulls in Herne Bay, wheeling elegantly about the cliffs, but here they seemed rough and uncouth.

My tummy rumbled, but Mutti was lost in a distant stare across the water. I touched her hand. “Do you know when and where we get lunch?”

Mutti pulled herself into the present from wherever she had wandered. “Mm?”

Her face was full of sorrow. “What’s wrong Mutti?”

She turned to me, taking my hands. “I can’t apologise enough for doing this to you, Liebling.”

I reached across to hug her. “Please don’t.” I could see moisture in her eyes. “We talked about this before.”

Mutti shook her head. “I’ve torn you from your friends, dragging you across the world...”

“Mutti, we had no choice in all of this – we, us, had no choice.” I gave her a gentle shake. “We could not stay with a murderous war criminal.”

Mutti closed her eyes. “I know...”

“Come on. Let’s find lunch.” I pulled Mutti’s reluctant hand and she followed me inside in my quest for food.

Lunch was a buffet of cold meats and salads to suit the continuous arrival of passengers, I suppose. Our suitcase had arrived in our cabin after lunch and we spent some time packing everything away in the drawers and cupboard. The rain and wind returned by the time we sailed. We watched from our window as we manoeuvred away from the quay and started down the Solent. About half an hour after we sailed, they called the lifeboat drill. We donned our lifejackets and, with the aid of the map and directions from the crew, made our way to our lifeboat, sheltering as best we could from the rain. Around us was considerable chaos. It took a while for the crew to sort everyone out and get them to their lifeboat station. Finally, they released us to warm up and dry off in our cabins.

Life on the ship settled into a routine. I swam every day although the pool started off quite cold. At least that meant my swimming was uninterrupted by other people. Once we were through the Suez Canal, the pool warmed and this forced me to swim earlier in the morning. There was nowhere I could run, so I depended on the repetitive exercise of three strokes, breath, three strokes, breath to soothe me.

During the long days, I spent many hours sitting in a deckchair, fingering Willi’s necklace. The distant horizon held my gaze as I tried to come to terms with the loss of my friends, of my life. We would all change with time and those changes might create gulfs of separation. If we were to meet again, Willi and I might look at one another and see ... nothing.

I was fortunate the deck was quite empty that day and no-one saw the tears I added to the ocean.

Another day I explored the clouded knot of emotion and impulse associated with revealing our secrets to Willi and Lili. Behind those impulses was a dislike of deceit. When I examined that idea, I found it stronger than dislike: deceiving people close to me made me feel ... nauseous. Wishing for the comfort of Hawkins on my lap, I realised the deception was in both directions. Willi had hidden who and what he was from me, as I had hidden my truth from him. But our deceptions extorted a high price and we had both risked much in revealing them. Willi had been startled and confused when I revealed I was a girl, not a boy. But I flushed with shame as I recalled the harshness of my reaction to Willi’s secret. I had pushed him away, accusing him of being a pervert because he had the memories of a seventy-year-old in a thirteen-year-old’s brain. This had hurt him deeply, even though I knew from the events beneath the cedar tree how dangerous to him that could be. I’d risked his life that day as I’d risked ours by revealing our secrets.

I could not sit. The urge to run or swim the shame and darkness out pulled me to the pool – but all I could do was swim interrupted lengths, which didn’t help. In our cabin, I threw myself on the bed. Mutti sensed my dark mood when she arrived, pulling the unread book from my hands and hugging me.

“What is it, Liebling?”

I cringed in my pit of shame; I could not make myself tell Mutti my anger had me urge Willi to kill himself. “Why did I risk revealing us by telling Willi we were from Leipzig, that I was a girl? I let Willi kiss me at Lili’s party – risking everything again.” I stared at Mutti in anguish. “We pushed Willi into a corner about visiting the east Germany – where he met my father.” Anguish twisted my face. “Why did I do those things? I’m the reason we’re here...” My voice sputtered out, overcome by the consequences of my thoughtless actions.

“Shh.” Mutti hugged me tightly. “We don’t know those things had anything to do with your father finding us.”

I searched Mutti’s face for reproach, but all I could see was love.

Mutti smoothed a lock of hair from my face. “Things happen, Liebling; we all make mistakes, particularly when we are growing up.” She paused, understanding my anguish. “You told me I bore no guilt for dragging you away from Leipzig and now England, however hard it is for me to accept. Now I must tell you not to be guilty about your mistakes.”

She stroked my cheek. “Don’t let guilt cloud the love you and Willi share. You can only have one first love and it should be a cherished memory. Whatever happens in the future, don’t let it be soured guilt.”

Her eyes spoke of the love she had for me – and for Willi.

“I worry about him.”

“I know, Liebling. I know.” She engulfed me in another hug and we stayed that way in silence for a while. Her hand stroke my neck and she chuckled. “We need to get you to a hairdresser and find you a hairstyle.”

I scowled at my reflection in the mirror on the wall. My hair had grown since May.

“Do you want to grow your hair longer or do you want a shorter style?”

What do I want? Does it matter?

I gave myself a shake.

Snap out of it, Col.

I tried to generate some enthusiasm: Lili’s hair had been quite long, below her shoulders when not plaited. I had envied her that as my hair had to be boy short.

“A shorter style would suit me best. Long hair takes a while to dry after swimming.”

“That’s practical – let’s see what they can come up with.”

We made an appointment for the following morning.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Mutti asked.

She caught my thoughtful face and smiled. “You’re growing up, Kal. It’s your hair – I want you to choose how you look.”

I realised Mutti had been encouraging my independence. Sending me out running in the mornings and allowing me to walk alone through the city — and now choosing my hairstyle.

“Okay, Mutti.”

I arrived at the salon on time to be assigned to Kylie. She wrinkled her nose at the strange grown-out boy’s cut sulking on my head and asked what style I wanted. The photos on the walls showed elegant, styled heads of hair, but they weren’t me.

“I don’t know.” I admitted, unsure of myself.

“Well – what do you like doing? How are you staying amused on this voyage?”

“I read books from the library and I have my schoolbooks...”

Kylie tossed her head. “No – what do you do for fun?”

“Well ... I enjoy swimming and running.”

“Hmm –you’re active. I think you need a style that’s easy to look after.” Kylie grabbed a magazine from the waiting area and flipped through the pages. “What do you think of this?”

The picture showed a blond with a hairstyle that looked like a helmet. “It’s called a pageboy. Your hair’s quite short. I think that general style will suit you, particularly if we thin your hair down a bit.” She used a finger to indicate shorter fringe and sides. “What do you think?”

I couldn’t picture myself in any hairstyle; I shrugged. “Why not?”

Kylie huffed at my lack of enthusiasm. “Let’s get you shampooed and get to work.”

Forty minutes later, I sat staring at myself in the mirror, amazed by what Kylie had achieved. My hair wasn’t a glistening helmet like the picture in the magazine, but textured. The style was simple, but the head staring at me looked elegant, sophisticated.

Kylie was standing behind me. “Okay Kal, now I want you to shake your head like a dog shaking off water.”

I hesitated, unwilling to destroy the image before me. I caught her smiling eyes in the mirror.

“Go on, shake like a dog – you’ll be surprised.”

I took a last look at my elegant self in the mirror and shook vigorously. My hair flared out from my head, destroying its careful lay ... and settled it settled back with just a few stray strands. Kylie swept her hands through and it was perfect.

“That’s amazing.” I said, smiling at Kylie in the mirror.

“Do it again and this time you sort it out.”

I did – and with gentle guidance, I achieved the same result.

“You’ve got lovely hair and it falls naturally into this style. After you swim or shower, if you let it dry naturally, you won’t have a problem. Be careful of hair dryers as they will fluff it up – particularly in dry weather.”

I shook again, running my hands through to settle my hair in place.

“Perfect.” Kylie laughed. “Off you go and stun the boys.”

My stomach clenched, but I kept my face neutral. I wanted to stun only one boy ... and each second, the subliminal thrum of the engines took me ever further from him. I wandered out on deck and stood, letting the wind of our passage riffle through my new hairstyle. Willi had been central to my life: everything in this new life highlighted the hole created by his absence. Losing myself in exercise and trying my hairstyle in the pool was an immediate priority. The pool was short and people swimming made it difficult, but I managed enough lengths to calm myself – somewhat.

Mutti was in our cabin after my swim. “Give me a twirl. Let me see your hair.” It wasn’t quite dry, but I rotated slowly. “Oh, Liebling.” Mutti sighed. “You’re growing up.”

I glanced in the mirror and flicked some wayward strands into line.

Mutti patted the bed beside her. “Come on, Kal. We need to practice our identities again.”

It was easy for me – she was still Mutti, but she had to remember to call me Kal. She went through meeting and marrying Sgt Miller in Frankfurt, but something felt wrong. I pulled out my notes in Polish to check.

Mutti gave me a surprised look. “What’s that?”

“I made notes in the evenings in bed to help us remember.” I explained.

Mutti laughed and took the exercise book from me, leafing through it. “Mrs Henderson would have your hide if she knew you’d done this.”

I shrugged. “Did she expect us to remember all that information in two days? Anyway, there’s nothing she can do about it now.”

Mutti gave me a wary look. “We should burn this once we settle in Australia. We don’t want someone finding it.”

“Well, we’d better have things sorted out by the time we arrive.” I frowned. “You got your wedding date wrong.”

Mutti gave my book a hard look. “Hmm ... You wrote the correct date?”

“I think so.”

She pulled our papers from a desk drawer. Flipping though she found her marriage certificate. “Well done. Your date is correct.” Mutti paused. “We need to be careful about this. I don’t think people would normally be letter perfect on everything the way we are trying to be. It might look suspicious.”

I frowned. “Do you think so?”

“Yes, I do think so.” Mutti returned my frown. “Once we’ve learnt everything and burn the book, our memories will start to slip and confuse things. After all, can you remember everything about Leipzig?”

I thought for a moment. “Probably not.”

Mutti smiled. “Come on, let’s take a walk round the deck before lunch and blow some cobwebs away.”

We arrived in Fremantle, Western Australia in late October and in warm sunshine, the start of the southern summer. From Fremantle, we skirted round the south coast of Australia to Adelaide, Melbourne and finally Sydney in early in November. From there, the ship was heading to New Zealand, which is why we had to fly to Brisbane.

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What happened to Col and Mutti Frida when they disappeared?

Through different Eyes

Robert Hart

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Through different Eyes

Robert Hart

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