Chapter 68: Now See What You've Done!

December 29, 1988, McKinley, Ashville, and Circleville, Ohio

Kris and I had done some shopping, though we limited how much we bought at the grocery store because we'd be staying in the hotel in Columbus for five nights, and Rachel would be with my mom. We'd bought a number of items for the house, including additional outlet covers, spare light bulbs, a few throw rugs, and other small items. Most importantly, we bought a second car seat.

We'd had lunch at Steak 'n Shake, though I'd made sure to give Rachel her bottle while we were at the mall before going to lunch, and that way I was sure she'd have proper nutrition before Kris fed her French fries and chocolate shake. Rachel enjoyed those, and, of course, demanded more, but I held fast at five fries and three small spoons of milkshake.

"She's going to be in a mood for an hour or so," I said to Kris when Rachel gave me a patented Elizaveta Kozlova 'death stare'.

"You're not upset, are you?" Kris asked.

"Me? Not at all. Rachel, on the other hand, is giving me a death stare I know far too well!"

"Elizaveta?"

"Yes. Rachel absolutely has her eyes and nose, and has the 'death stare' down pat at sixteen months!"

"I'm going to have to learn that!" Kris said playfully.

"Mostly it was about things she considered her domain, like cooking, cleaning, caring for children, and so on. Somehow, I don't think there's much of a risk of that with you!"

Kris laughed softly, "I could learn!"

"Different times, different needs, and a different relationship."

"You suddenly became very serious."

"Sorry, it's ... well, I didn't mean to do that. And I'm not even sure I can articulate what I'm feeling."

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"No, not at all. I'm positive I'm doing the right thing for both Rachel and myself. I just have occasional bouts of emotion about Elizaveta, which, according to my spiritual and secular counselors, will continue for years, though lessening over time. And it's not always clear what it is that will trigger them. But that does not change that Rachel and I are committed to you and want to be with you."

"You made the point about Rachel twice," Kris observed.

"No matter how much I liked you, or thought you were the right partner for me, if Rachel didn't like you, or I thought you wouldn't be a good mother, I wouldn't have moved forward with you."

"Then it's a good thing she likes me!"

"Mama!" Rachel giggled. "Fry!"

I laughed, "And we both know why!"

"Five was enough for you, young lady," Kris said firmly.

"MORE!" Rachel demanded again.

"No," Kris said firmly.

"Papa?" Rachel begged.

"No," I said, shaking my head, earning a pout and a death stare. "You may have your bottle."

I took Rachel from the high chair and offered her a bottle, but she turned her head and made a face. I waited for a minute, then offered it again, and this time she reluctantly accepted. When she finished her bottle, I paid the bill, and the three of us left Steak 'n Shake to head back to the house so Rachel could have a nap before dinner with Kris' parents.

"When do you plan to bring your things to the house?" I asked as I pulled out of the parking lot.

"Saturday, following our stay at the hotel. I can do it with a single carload. I have my clothes, my toiletries, my books, my albums, a box of photos, and the art on my wall. You don't work, right?"

"Correct. My January schedule is 0600 to 1800, Monday through Friday."

"So you DO know how to tell time properly!" Kris teased.

"I honestly wish we did the same thing for all schedules here as is done in Europe, where they are always in what we call 'military' time in the US. We use it at the hospital on charts and schedules, so there is no confusion."

"You use metric there, too, right?"

"Yes. Drugs are measured in millilitres, milligrams, or micrograms, for example. And all lab tests report in metric. That said, we always speak to patients in Imperial units for things like temperature or weight. We also use 'Calorie' in the normal sense the public uses it, meaning kilocalorie. Physiologists have begun to adopt kilojoule as their preferred unit."

"In Europe, you'll see mostly 'kcal' but sometimes 'kJ' on food packets and containers. Yours surprisingly use metric."

"All lab tests are done using SI units, so that makes sense. Packaging, for the most part, lists the Imperial weight or measure first and the SI unit in parentheses. The main exceptions are wine, liquor, and, of course, 2-litre bottles of pop. Beer is still sold by the ounce. But going back to what was said before our darling daughter interrupted, is there a concern?"

"Not at all. This is what I want to do. As I said in the beginning, it's about four years before I had expected it to happen, but it seemed foolish to not do it for that reason. Despite being French, I'm no romantic, I'm a socialist!"

I laughed, "I'm not quite sure what one has to do with the other!"

"«Au contraire»," Kris replied with a twinkle in her eye. "I think you do. What is the origin of the modern notion of so-called romantic love?" ("On the contrary")

"Medieval chivalry, but the concept traces back to Plato, and a good discussion is found in Symposium."

"Yes, of course; and the Greeks had many words for 'love' with nuances we have lost in modern times. Do you know René Girard?"

"No."

"A French philosopher who argued that romantic love was a product of jealousy and rivalry, and was caused by observing two others who were involved, and being jealous."

"I don't see how that can be true with us!"

"It's not, I was simply pointing out an alternative. Gilles Deleuze, another French philosopher, believed that romantic love is the result of something missing in ourselves or our lives. Have you read any Kierkegaard?"

"Only in excerpts, and mostly with regard to Christianity and his discussions of a 'leap of faith'."

"He wrote that he found it amusing, or even funny, that everyone is either in love or wants to be in love, but cannot identify what the proper object of love truly is."

"God," I replied.

Kris smiled, "I'm not surprised you would have an immediate answer for that!"

"God is love," I replied. "And we know the greatest form of love is «agápē», and that is what we strive for."

"In Romeo and Juliet, which is allegedly romantic, Romeo says several things that make it clear that any desire to marry Juliet was so that he might legitimately have sex with her."

I chuckled, "In other words, they were both horny teenagers! That said, I wouldn't base my ideas of a romantic relationship on a couple whose love affair was between a seventeen-year-old and thirteen-year-old, lasted three days, and resulted in six deaths!"

"Who do you blame? I mean, for Romeo and Juliet?"

"In a larger sense, their families, in a smaller sense, themselves, but I fix most of the blame squarely on Friar Laurence."

"Why the priest?"

"He foolishly married them, assuming it would heal the familial rift, rather than counseling them and acting as an intermediary. Then, as if that weren't enough, he created a plan for Juliet to run away and to fake her own death, and didn't personally warn Romeo of the plan. That led to Romeo actually killing himself and Juliet doing likewise when she saw Romeo dead. Friar Laurence was irresponsible, careless, and foolish."

"Did any of your clergy counsel you not to marry Elizaveta or me?"

"No. The objections to me marrying Elizaveta came from the secular side, both before and after, and mostly because she was sixteen when we married. You're eighteen, so that specific objection is moot, and our engagement is long enough that I doubt anyone would look askance. Honestly, very few people know we more or less decided to marry that first day we met. May I ask who you blame?"

"Every single adult in the play!" Kris declared. "All of them! The Montagues and the Capulets for the stupid feud; Tybalt for demanding the duel; the nurse for not properly counseling Juliet; the priest for all the things you said; and the Prince for not maintaining peace by allowing the feud to continue. And then, of course, because Romeo and Juliet are dead, the families reconcile!"

"So not all that different from my view, you just spread the blame a bit more thickly away from Friar Laurence."

"I also blame the stupid patriarchal society where Juliet was supposed to marry the man whom her father chose for her. I would never do such a thing!"

"As a modern, socialist, French woman, that doesn't surprise me!" I chuckled,

"Elizaveta's father did not choose you, did he?"

"No. Even Tasha's dad didn't try to do that. The only girl I know who had a situation like that is my sister's friend, Maggie. They're hard-core evangelicals, and her dad chose her husband. She rebelled at first, but in the end, she married the guy."

"That's crazy!"

"I agree. We dated briefly, and her dad sent Air Force investigators after me to stop her from becoming involved with me."

"You're joking!"

"No, I'm not. I helped her move out of her house and move to McKinley to live with a friend, after her older brother, who is in the Navy, arranged for her to get a job. The day she moved out, he sent the Sheriff after us, but Maggie was eighteen, so there was nothing the Sheriff could do. Not long after, he sent Air Force investigators, as I said, and, in the end, Maggie decided to marry the guy her dad had chosen."

"Was she someone you considered as a potential partner?"

"In the sense that I wanted to get to know her, yes, but in the end, we weren't compatible enough to move beyond a few dates."

"But I was, in one day?"

"Yes. And you agreed, obviously! I was positive our worldviews matched, that we had the same basic goals, and I was attracted to you. What else would have been necessary?"

"Nothing in my mind," Kris replied. "Oksana only had good things to say about you, but she struggled with the fact that you were more dedicated to being a doctor than you would have been to her."

"There are very few young women I've met who could handle that. Elizaveta, obviously, Lara, Clarissa, Angie, and you. We discussed Lara, and you know why Clarissa couldn't be my wife. And," I sighed, "what happened with Angie."

"You are closer to Clarissa than you have been with anyone except Elizaveta, right?"

"Yes. Jocelyn was like that when we were growing up, and I explained what happened between us."

"Is there anything Clarissa knows about you that I don't?"

I had a dilemma because I had promised truthfulness, but Kris had also agreed that the names of my former lovers were out of the question. I felt I had to be open and honest, but I could do that in a different way.

"When you and I discussed her desire to have a baby with me, I didn't mention that she'd considered, before I married Elizaveta, procreating in the usual way. But that became moot the moment I married, and as I said, even artificial methods were out of the question once I was ordained."

"I've heard about lesbian women engaging in intercourse to conceive," Kris replied. "It's not surprising that was discussed, and as you say, it's obviously off the table. I think it's safe to assume you're attracted to her, right?"

"I thought I'd mentioned that when we talked about when she and I met. It took some time before she came out to me, which, of course, changed the character of any future relationship, but I certainly considered her attractive and a potential partner. In one sense, it didn't affect anything because Angie and I were together, though not together, if that makes sense."

"You explained her difficulties with relationships, so you two were a couple, but it was purely platonic."

"One kiss, and that kiss basically ensured there wouldn't be a second one. She was adamant about that, until her illness worsened, and she saw physical intimacy as a potential cure, which it most definitely was not. I was, at that point, between a rock and a hard place because either choice likely had the same result, with physical intimacy likely to be even more traumatic."

"Do you think she'll come to the wedding?"

"That will be her mom's call, and quite probably a decision made at the last moment, depending on how Angie is doing. They're working to reduce her medications to the minimum necessary for her to function, and that's a difficult thing to get exactly right. Non-compliance with medication is a common behavior among those diagnosed with schizophrenia, which makes things more difficult."

"Do you want to have a baby with Clarissa?" Kris asked.

"I think the correct answer to that question is to say that she wants to have a baby, and I offered to help."

"Because you thought you could sleep with her?" Kris asked, her voice light.

"That thought did cross my mind," I chuckled. "But that's not possible, and I've made my commitment to you."

"One thing of which you can be sure is that I am not French enough to tolerate my husband having an affair!"

"French women tolerate that?"

"Many powerful men in France have what amount to public affairs and remain married, so what else would you call it but tolerance?"

"That's not something I would even contemplate. I wouldn't expect you to forgive a transgression, let alone tolerate one!"

"Would YOU forgive a transgression like that?"

"It's in my nature to forgive, but trust, once broken, is difficult to reestablish."

"Do you think your mom should have forgiven your dad?"

"That's complicated because my dad wasn't repentant and didn't try to reconcile. If he had been, then, yes, I'd have encouraged forgiveness and counseling. Reconciliation would have been a difficult task, at best. Given my dad wasn't interested even attempting reconciliation, there was nothing for my mom to do except file for divorce. But this is all idle speculation because it's not going to happen."

"I wasn't asking for that reason, only to gauge your views."

"They are Orthodox," I replied. "Though, as with almost everything else, I miss the mark at times."

"Almost?"

"I will not miss the mark with regard to my commitment to you. Period. In anything else, I'll miss the mark in some way."

"Medicine?"

"Guaranteed. Well, it's guaranteed I will do something that will result in a bad outcome. Every doctor has a situation like that. There's a saying, with which I don't agree, that you aren't a real doctor until you kill someone."

"Doctors actually believe that?"

"Some do," I replied. "What they're trying to say is that every doctor will make a serious mistake that will result in a bad outcome, and some of those outcomes will lead to a patient dying."

"What will you do?"

"Speak to you, to my mentors, and to Father Roman."

"What about dealing with stress?"

"You'll be the most help in that regard," I replied.

Kris laughed softly, "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"It was very effective while I was at Taft. But also, church helped, and now trips to the monastery."

"Thank you for being honest."

"It's the only way to have a successful relationship," I replied.

We arrived at the house, and Kris put Rachel down for her nap while I carried our purchases into the house. Once Rachel was settled, I put out the throw rugs while Kris installed the outlet covers. We finished those tasks, and with Kris' blessing, I went to my room to take a nap, so I didn't have to worry about it later.

I had just gotten out of bed about an hour later when the phone rang, so I went to answer it.

"Korolyov-Loucks residence; Mike speaking."

"Now that's not something I expected!" Dale declared.

"Hi, Dale! I'm assuming you're in Columbus?"

"We just landed. Jocelyn and Gene are here, and the four of us will see you at your house on Saturday at 8:00am for breakfast."

"Great! I'm really glad you guys could make it."

"So are we. Are you changing your last name?"

"No, and neither is Kris. The kids will have both our names."

"Even Rachel?"

"Yes. Kris will adopt her so there aren't any legal problems should something happen to me."

"I guess you do have to plan for that at this point, don't you?"

"Given everything that's happened, it would be irresponsible not to."

"It would. I see the belt with the bags from our flight is moving, so I need to go. See you Saturday!"

"See you Saturday!"

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up. I almost made it back to the great room when the phone rang again.

"Grand Central Station," I said, turning to go back to the kitchen to answer the phone.

"Korolyov-Loucks residence; Mike speaking."

"Hi, Mike, it's Kylie."

"Hi, Kylie, what can I do for you?"

"I know this is a huge ask, but could you cover a twelve-hour Saturday Medicine shift for me on January 14th? It's my mom's birthday, and I'll take any shifts you need me to take for your gigs."

"What hours on the 14th?" I asked.

"0700 to 1900," Kylie replied.

"One sec, OK?"

"Sure."

I put the phone down and went to the great room to speak to Kris.

"You remember I told you about my fellow med student who covers shifts for me?"

"Kylie, right?"

"Yes. She wants me to cover a shift on Saturday, January 14th. That works into my schedule, but I wanted to clear it with you."

"Thank you, but you don't need to do that unless you need to cancel something we're doing. I'm expecting you to not be around for a good part of the next eighteen months."

"I will let you know before I agree, just in case there is something of which I'm not aware. Let me tell Kylie it's OK."

I went back to the kitchen and picked up the handset.

"No problem," I said. "I'll take the shift. My next gig is February 10th, but I don't know my ICU schedule just yet. After that, there are gigs in March, one on the 11th and one on the 24th."

"Just let me know. If I can't cover them, I'll find someone who can."

"I appreciate it."

"See you at the church on Sunday!"

"See you there."

We said 'goodbye' and I hung up, and actually made it back to the couch without the phone ringing.

"She'll cover for me for the gigs Code Blue has if they conflict with my schedule."

"Who covers for your interviews at Ohio State, Cincinnati, and Indiana?"

"The medical school makes those arrangements. We're given those days off, and can take up to ten, spread across three rotations, with no more than five on one rotation."

"But you're missing five days for our wedding, too."

"Doctor Getty signed off on that. It's possible to miss a total of ten days, so long as the Department Chief signs off. He was more than willing, given I was already doing Fourth Year work during Third Year, and had learned the Third Year material during my cardiology Preceptorship."