Chapter 5: Write Two Letters

April 25, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

Irina's words had swirled in my mind all afternoon, and when I left the hospital, it was with some trepidation. Clarissa had asked what Irina had wanted to speak to me about, but I'd demurred, not wanting to get into a long, speculative conversation. I knew it was possible Irina had misinterpreted something or made assumptions which weren't true, but I couldn't come up with any plausible reason she'd lie. Of course, she might have ulterior motives, but Irina's motives only impacted how I viewed her, not my relationship with Sara.

When I arrived at my in-laws' house, I spent some time with Viktor, then gathered Rachel and her things and headed towards home, stopping along the way at Famous Recipe for chicken, mashed potatoes, and coleslaw for dinner with Sara. When I arrived home, I put the coleslaw in the fridge and the chicken and mashed potatoes in the oven to keep warm, changed into comfortable clothes, and made Rachel's dinner.

When Sara arrived, she greeted me with a hug and a kiss, and we went to the kitchen to eat dinner. I purposely avoided asking about the party, waiting to see what Sara might say. She did say she'd enjoyed the music, and thought we'd done a great job, especially on The Devil Went Down to Georgia and Endless Love. I had a strange feeling about the conversation, but I suspected that was due to Irina's visit at lunch.

By the time we finished eating and cleaning up the kitchen, I simply couldn't stand the internal tension.

"How was the party?" I asked.

"OK," Sara replied. "Mostly we played games, listened to music, and danced. Some of the guys drank beer, but the near-beer stuff, not regular beer."

"What kind of games?" I prompted.

"They have a ping-pong table, a pool table, and one of those Atari video game consoles that let you play Pac-Man and other games."

"So totally tame?" I asked.

"Pretty much," Sara replied.

"Did you and Irina have a good time last night? I mean, both Prom and the party?"

"Yes."

The way she was answering did not conform to her usual bubbly, effusive style, and it seemed clear she wasn't going to volunteer anything, The question in my mind was should I ask, and if so, how I should ask. I wasn't sure, but Irina's words 'lying and cheating are always wrong' forced me to push. What I had to do was protect Irina, because even though she'd snitched, her heart had been in the right place.

"I'm glad, but I have to ask you something."

"What?"

"What aren't you telling me?"

"What do you mean?" she asked nervously, her eyes flicking down, giving away the game, as it were.

"Your words and body language say that you're concealing something from me."

"Mike..." she protested weakly, then began crying.

The only thing I could do was wait her out and see what she had to say. The problem wasn't that she might have done something with Jim, it was that she'd promised not to. Absent the promise, I had no moral ground on which to stand, as I was having sex with several girls. The difference was that I hadn't promised not to, nor made any other commitments to Sara. If she had broken her commitment to do nothing more than give a 'good night' kiss, it would cause a major problem, and the loss of trust would create a very difficult situation.

After about five minutes, Sara took some tissues from the box on the end table, dabbed her eyes, and blew her nose.

"I should go," she said quietly, standing up.

"You don't want to talk about it?"

Sara shook her head and began walking towards the door. I was tempted to go after her, but she had to want to talk to me.

"Sara, I'm ready to talk when you are," I said.

She didn't respond, silently putting on her jacket and walking out the front door.

"Well," I said aloud, "that went right to Hell."

"PAPA!" Rachel exclaimed.

I was totally surprised by Rachel combining the two syllables and saying her first real word. I picked her up and cuddled her.

"I love you, «Зайчик» (zaychyk)," I said. "I tried to call your mom that, but she preferred 'Kitten' to 'Bunny Rabbit'."

"BA!" Rachel requested.

"Yes, Ma'am!" I chuckled. "One bottle coming right up!"

I put her down on the rug and went to the kitchen to make a bottle of apple juice and then brought it back to the great room. I picked her up, carried her to the study, turned on the radio, then sat down in the rocking chair. I offered Rachel the bottle, and she drank greedily.

It struck me that she probably needed more solid foods, so I made a mental note to add tapioca to her diet, along with peas and carrots, though I'd purée them myself, rather than buy expensive jars of baby food. The same was true for tapioca pudding, which I could make much less expensively rather than buying it prepared in jars. I'd buy the ingredients when I went shopping on Monday morning before Tasha and Larisa visited.

When Rachel finished her bottle, I got a stack of books and sat in the rocking chair to read to her. She enjoyed cuddling, and had grown more tolerant of me reading to her, but after three books she was clearly bored, so we went to the great room where I put her on the rug with her toys to play.

Just before 8:00pm, the doorbell rang, and I wondered if Sara had decided to return to talk. I was surprised, but also not surprised, to see Serafima and Elias.

"Can we come in?" Serafima asked.

"Of course! You're Rachel's godparents, so you're always welcome!"

I let them in and we went to the great room where Serafima picked up Rachel and cradled her in her arms.

"Are you here about Sara?" I asked.

"Yes," Serafima replied. "Elias, would you mind taking a walk?"

"No," he replied. "I expected this would need to be a private conversation."

He walked back to the front door and left the house.

"I take it Sara called you?"

"Irina did. She said Sara is an emotional wreck because of something that happened last night. Sara was here, right?"

"Yes, but she didn't tell me what happened. Her body language and they way she spoke made it clear something was wrong. I asked what she was concealing from me, she started crying, and five minutes later she left without saying anything other than that she should go."

"Situations like this are exactly why we needed Matushka Elizaveta," Serafima observed with a touch of sadness in her voice.

"If she were here, this wouldn't involve me," I replied.

"No, of course not, but in general. You know how helpful she was with Vickie, Debby, and other girls. We could all talk with her and not worry about her judging us and be sure she loved us, no matter what."

"Do you know what happened?" I asked.

"No, but Irina does. I can draw conclusions from what she did say."

"Me, too, though she was purposefully vague. What's your agenda?"

"To help Sara, and I don't mean specifically with regard to you, but with what has her so torn up. I think it has to be Alyssa and me now that Elizaveta isn't here. Alyssa isn't a matushka officially because we don't really say that about subdeacon's wives, but she's the closest thing we have. But she's a relatively new believer, so we'll work together."

"That makes sense. Will you tell me what you do know?"

"It was a High School party, and they played the usual party games High School kids play."

"'Spin the Bottle' and Truth or Dare?" I asked.

"Yes," Serafima confirmed. "All Irina said beyond that is that Sara broke her promise to you, but I have to think it was more than kissing for Sara to be as upset as she is."

"I'd say that's probably the case."

"Is that it?" Serafima asked. "Between you and Sara, I mean?"

"I really want to talk to Sara and find out what happened, and hear what she has to say. The concern I have, which should be obvious, is her breaking her word. But until I hear from her, and we discuss what happened, I can't make any judgments. That said, not talking to me is a huge red flag, and does not bode well. And that's on her. The last thing I said to her, as she was leaving, was that I'm ready to talk when she is."

"OK. That's a good thing. I was afraid you were unwilling to even talk to her."

"I'm willing, as I said, but the ball is in her court."

"OK. Let me see if she'll speak with me or Alyssa and take it from there. Please don't make any hasty decisions. I know you're going to Columbus tomorrow."

"Danijela is not expecting a decision until after August 26th."

Serafima sighed, "I dread that day. Have you given any thought about how you'll want to do the memorial service?"

"No. It's tough because it's also Rachel's first birthday. I'll think about it and discuss it with you in July, given you were Elizaveta's best friend and are Rachel's godmother."

"Thanks. And thanks for not being upset with me for interfering."

"Your heart is in the right place," I replied. "How are you feeling?"

"OK, so far! No morning sickness at all, and I don't feel like a beached whale! That will be in July! What service will you be on?"

"Emergency medicine," I replied. "I only had the one OB/GYN rotation."

The front door opened, and Elias called out, "Safe to come in?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'll call, Mike," Serafima said.

"Thanks."

She handed Rachel to me, and she and Elias left.

April 24, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

Rachel and I spent Sunday morning and early afternoon in Columbus. We attended the Divine Liturgy at the Cathedral, went to lunch with Dani, and after a walk in the park, drove back to McKinley. Samantha arrived about 4:00pm, while Rachel was taking her afternoon nap.

"I liked how we talked last time," Samantha said. "I'd like to talk the same way."

I took her hand, and we went up to the bedroom, undressed, and got into bed. Samantha stroked me until I was hard, applied lube, then lowered herself onto me, and began flexing her hips. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me so that her nipples pressed into my chest and kissed her softly.

"Do you still feel guilty?" I asked.

"Yes," Samantha replied. "But I like doing this."

She moaned softly as she ground against me, squeezing her muscles, making the tight fit even tighter.

"I want to do this with you forever," she whispered breathlessly. "It feels so good!"

"It does," I agreed. "But there's more to a relationship than sex. And a relationship with me isn't going to be easy."

"I know," she sighed. "You don't think I can handle it, do you?"

"I think you need more attention than I'll be able to give you."

She moaned and shuddered, and gentle spasms massaged my shaft.

"You think I'm that needy?" she asked when her orgasm passed.

"I think you need someone who can be totally devoted to you and make you the center of their life. My medical training simply won't allow me to do that."

Samantha put her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms tightly around me. Neither of us said a word while she brought herself off twice more before bringing us to a very pleasurable, mutual orgasm. Samantha stayed in my lap and continued to grind against me.

"Could I spend the night?" Samantha asked.

"What about class tomorrow?"

"My first class is at 10:00am. I'll make it as long as I leave by 7:50am."

"Then you're welcome to stay."

"Will you fuck my brains out all night?" she whispered in my ear.

"Yes."

April 25, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

Samantha hadn't been kidding with her request, and after I'd put Rachel to bed about 9:50pm, Samantha and I had fucked hard and fast, with me on top for the first time in our relationship. Each time I came, we switched to sixty-nine, and once I was hard, I fucked her as hard as I could. We finally fell asleep in a sweaty heap about 3:30am and woke when Rachel needed attention just before 6:30am.

Once I'd changed Rachel, the three of us went downstairs so I could make Rachel's bottle and Samantha and I could have breakfast.

"How do you feel this morning?" I asked Samantha.

Samantha took a deep breath and let it out.

"That you're right about what I need," she said quietly. "I don't regret being with you."

"There's actually only one thing you need to do," I said. "And that's find a way past the guilt."

"I know. I actually had talks with Becka and Jacqui and that's helped. I also talked to a psychologist on campus, but she wasn't as much help as my friends."

"I just want to make sure you're OK."

Samantha smiled, "I'll be fine, I promise. Do you think Rachel would mind if we had one more talking session?"

"If we put her in her swing and turn on some music, she'll be content long enough for us to do that."

"In the room with us?"

"I can't really leave her alone unless she's sleeping."

"Weird, but if that's the only way, then I'm in! Or you are, which is the point!"

We had breakfast and then went upstairs. I settled Rachel into her swing, turned it on, then put on a Mozart CD that always kept her content. Samantha and I enjoyed our usual slow, sensual screw with her in my lap facing me, then went to the shower. Samantha needed to be on her way back to Xavier, so we couldn't linger in the shower.

After Samantha left, Rachel and I went to Kroger to do our weekly shopping. I bought fresh carrots, frozen peas, and tapioca, along with my regular groceries. The biggest expenditure was disposable diapers, followed closely by formula. I made a mental note to tease Sheila about how much money P&G was extracting from my wallet on a weekly basis.

When we returned home, I put away the groceries, started a load of laundry, then followed the instructions on the package of tapioca to make pudding for Rachel's lunch. I put water on to boil so I could soften both the peas and the carrots. By the time Rachel was ready for her late-morning nap, I had containers of tapioca pudding, puréed carrots, and puréed peas to supplement Rachel's formula, Cheerios, and bagels.

Just before 11:00am, the doorbell rang, announcing Tasha's arrival. I greeted her with a quick hug and invited her and Larisa into the house.

"See Baby Rachel?" Larisa, who had just turned two at the beginning of the month, inquired.

"She's sleeping," I replied. "She'll be awake in about an hour."

"She's been hyped to see Rachel for weeks because we had planned for March," Tasha said.

"I am sorry about that, but time just gets away from me with everything that's going on."

I poured tea for the two of us, and Tasha gave Larisa a sippy cup of juice.

"You look good," Tasha said.

"And you are still the most beautiful woman I know!"

"Having a baby did not help!" Tasha groused.

"Oh, please!" I chuckled. "You're going to have another one eventually, and you'll still be the most beautiful woman I know! How are things going?"

"Larisa and I are both healthy, I'm taking core courses towards my pharmacy degree, and my mom is enjoying her granddaughter. I take it everything is good with your medical training?"

"Yes. I'm kind of champing at the bit to start my emergency medicine Sub-Internship, but that's about five weeks away. Internal medicine is not the service for someone who has been called an 'adrenaline junkie'!"

Tasha laughed softly, "This from the man for whom the height of excitement growing up was playing chess with his friend Dale!"

"I wasn't quite that bad," I chuckled. "New albums and new science fiction novels were exciting, too!"

"You should have talked to me when you were seventeen and I was fourteen!"

"And we'd probably have ended up in the same situation as Sasha and Tim. Remember that night at the lake?"

"I was so angry with you I couldn't see straight!"

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'horny'!" I replied with a silly smile.

"Maybe," Tasha replied primly. "How are things with church?"

"My interior life is still a mess, and I'm still struggling with a sense of loss. I'm somewhat dreading August 26th."

"Are you getting help?"

"Yes. I'm seeing a counselor at the hospital tomorrow, and I have plans to visit Father Roman Braga next month."

"He's at the Monastery of the Transfiguration in Pennsylvania, right?"

"No. He just retired as an active priest and moved to the Monastery of the Dormition of the Mother of God in Rives Junction, Michigan. Bishop JOHN thinks Father Roman should be my spiritual father."

"A monk would be perfect for you, Mishka."

"You are the only one of my close friends who thinks so, including both Orthodox and non-Orthodox."

"I've known you a lot longer," Tasha said. "I know you've struggled, but deep down you are a faithful Orthodox Christian. Sinful? Yes, of course, as all of us are, but I don't believe your faith has ever wavered, even in the face of terrible tragedy."

"I didn't say I wasn't going to do it," I replied. "I simply said your advice was different from my other close friends. How are you doing?"

"I went to confession, and it was, well, difficult. But Father Alexi is a wonderful man, and his wife has been very supportive."

"And Chris?"

"I spoke to him after Agape Vespers, and we've had coffee twice. I'm taking it slowly."

"I'm glad, Tasha. I want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy. How are things going in that regard?"

"Tumultuous," I replied.

"What happened?"

"A pair of surprising developments, both bolts out of the blue, as it were. The positive one was that I met a young woman whose family is from India. She's pre-med and a member of the Malankara Church. They're Oriental Orthodox, so not in communion with us, but Vladyka JOHN has said, privately, that the disagreement is merely semantics. I've seen her a few times, but I can't really even court her without meeting her parents due to her Indian culture."

Tasha laughed, "As if her culture is the thing! Do you believe my dad would have allowed you to court me without meeting you had he not already known you?"