Chapter 23: Men Are Pretty Clueless

July 23, 1988, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

"How many young women are you auditioning?" Mom asked with a slight smile when we sat down to drink tea after I arrived at the house on Saturday evening.

"As many as I meet who might be amenable to a relationship," I replied. "I've dated quite a few you haven't met."

"Your grandmother is unhappy."

"Tell me something I didn't know," I said with a wry smile. "But Danijela overplayed her hand, so to speak, because I'm still working through my spiritual and emotional struggles. We'd agreed I wouldn't make any decisions until September, but I suspect someone pushed her."

"I don't know for sure," Mom said, "but I suspect you're right."

"Then Grandma probably only has herself to blame," I observed.

"Possibly," Mom allowed.

"What time did you put Rachel to bed?" I asked.

"About twenty minutes ago. I read to her after we arrived home from Vespers."

"Thanks. How are Elaine and April doing?"

"Great! Stefan is making progress with the adoption proceedings, but they take time and her parents are fighting to regain custody. They won't be successful, in his estimation, as Elaine has made it clear she doesn't want to go back. Given she's fifteen, the court takes her wishes into consideration, as well as her parents' behavior immediately following April's birth."

"What's your policy about her dating?" I asked.

Mom laughed, "You would ask that! I figure a baby is a serious deterrent to most High School guys."

I shook my head, "No, it's not. They aren't looking for a wife; they're looking to get laid. And guess what they know about Elaine?"

"Men are pigs! All of you!"

"Says my mom, who had exactly the same thoughts about boys in High School!"

"Oh, shut up!" Mom said with a soft laugh.

"If the shoe fits..." I said with a grin.

"It fit quite nicely, thank you!"

"MOM!" I spluttered, happy I hadn't been drinking tea at that second. "Too much information!"

"You started it!" Mom tittered.

"I most certainly did not! You did when you brought up High School boys!"

"About dating," Mom countered. "You made it about sex!"

"As if High School guys think about anything else when they think about girls? And, before you say 'pigs' again, it's what many High School girls think when they think about boys! And that is something you cannot deny!"

"Do you have a timeframe?" Mom asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"That's something I've discussed with several friends, and the consensus is that I'd be better off having my future wife by my side during the memorial services than not, even if we weren't married."

"You have a pretty good support network from everything I've seen, though I'm obviously not aware of everything."

I nodded, "That's true, but as someone pointed out, if I don't think a girl is strong enough to handle that, then she's probably not the right girl to marry a PGY1 Resident or to be Rachel's mom."

"Being married to you would be challenging even without your medical career!" Mom teased.

"Hardy har har," I responded flatly.

"You know I'm pulling your leg, as you were a doting husband just as you're a doting father. But all kidding aside, are you at a point where you could make that decision?"

"I'd feel comfortable asking Danika today," I replied. "It would be a very traditional arranged marriage, and I'm positive it would work well despite the cultural challenges. I could have asked Danijela, but she pushed too hard and too soon, despite our agreement to wait until after Elizaveta's memorial service next month. Nadiya and I are working towards a point where I'd be comfortable asking her."

"May I ask about you and Tasha? She's seeing Chris, but I expected you two to revisit your decision."

"It's complicated," I replied, using one of my favorite words of late. "She still needs more attention than I'll be able to give, and there are other things which created a large enough rift that it wasn't going to happen. I obviously can't go into them without violating her privacy."

"Are you sure an arranged marriage is a good idea?" Mom asked.

"Danika's proposal isn't all that different from Elizaveta's. Remember, Viktor and I worked out an agreement which isn't really different from the one which Danika's father and I discussed. In Viktor's case, it was the cottage and paying for medical school. And there was the car, though I wasn't aware of that in advance."

"Is he paying for this year as well?" Mom asked.

"Yes. He's a man of his word."

"Something very important to you."

"Absolutely."

"Is it prying to ask what was offered?"

"Doctor Kurian would pay Danika's tuition, but give us the money that otherwise would have been spent on room and board, and his mother, Danika's grandmother, would live with us to help care for Rachel and the other kids we'd have before Danika started medical school."

"Kids in college?! That seems a bit much!"

"She wants more than one," I replied. "And that would be the kiss of death for her Residency. It wouldn't end it, of course, but it would extend it to at least ten years, and probably twelve. She'd always be seen as someone who put family ahead of medicine, making it harder for her to be anything other than a staff member. She'd never be considered for Chief Resident, Chief Attending, head of a department, or anything like that."

"That's outrageous!" Mom protested.

"What do you want from a field run by men?" I asked. "There are still very few female doctors in the hospital except in Pediatrics and OB/GYN. There is exactly one female doctor in the Emergency Department and three on the surgical service, but only one of whom is an Attending. It's changing, but only slowly, which is why Danika wants to have her children as an undergrad, if possible. As strange as it sounds, marrying now and having kids would be beneficial to her career."

"And that's sufficient reason to marry?"

"She intended to marry all along and intended it to be an arranged marriage. The complication for her was the limited choices in her church unless she married someone from India, and there wasn't a suitable match in terms of age, class, and family relationships. I was an accidental discovery, if you will, through Antonne, the kid I'm mentoring. He asked her to join his study group, and that's how we met."

"Have you thought about having mixed-race kids?"

"What about it?" I asked, trying not to sound indignant. "First of all, she's Caucasian, the same as we are. Second, you know I'm colorblind, though I do like that gorgeous brown skin she has! Third, guys like Len Nelson are an endangered species, thank God."

"I didn't mean you, and while extreme racists like Len Nelson are rare, you know how Clark and his friends were treated, and I'm sure you've seen some of the same with your friend Antonne."

"I refuse to allow the boorish behavior of others to influence my decisions," I said firmly. "I've taken notice of the cultural differences, but in the end, I'd compare Danika to Grandma Borodin, in that she honors her traditions, but sees the value of the melting pot that is the United States. I'm surprised you even raised the issue."

"You know that it wasn't just Len Nelson and his friends who objected to Jayce dating a white girl."

"Same response," I said firmly. "I refuse to allow the boorish behavior of others to influence my decisions. Period."

"So long as you've thought about it."

"I haven't, at least not in the way you mean, because I don't give a fig what anyone else thinks in that regard."

"Sparing your mom the profanity?" Mom asked with a wry smile.

"I got the point across, didn't I? And didn't risk the Ivory soap treatment!"

"I believe nowadays that would be considered child abuse."

I nodded, "Most likely we'd report that to a social worker out of an abundance of caution. You got your point across when you did it, and I learned my lesson. But, as they say, times have changed. It's no longer the early seventies."

"Or the sixties," Mom replied.

I chuckled, "You were married and there is no way you or dad did drugs, which would basically have been pot if you had, and that's decriminalized in Ohio now."

"You and your sister were both born before the whole 'free love' movement kicked off."

"You were an early proponent in High School," I said with a grin.

"One partner is NOT free love!" Mom protested.

"I didn't say you practiced it, only that you were for it! And it was three by the time you married!"

"You are a real smart ass!" Mom declared.

"Thank you! And with that, I'm going to say my evening prayers and get to bed. Nadiya, Rachel, and I are going to Saint George in Loveland tomorrow, and we'll attend Matins."

"Good night, Mike."

"Night, Mom."

I downed the rest of my tea, went to the guest room, took out my travel diptych and prayer book, said my prayers, then completed my usual bedtime routine before climbing into bed.

July 24, 1988, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

"What are you doing next Saturday?" I asked as I backed out of Nadiya's driveway.

"Seeing you, I would guess. Why?"

"My little sister's best friend, Emmy, is getting married. Would you like to go with me? It's at a former AELC, now ELCA, church in Rutherford."

"Our schismatics!" Nadiya declared with a slight laugh. "They split with us in 1975 because they felt the Missouri Synod was too conservative. But it's not a problem, so long as I don't try to receive communion."

"Same for me," I replied. "The wedding is at 4:00pm and the reception is at 6:00pm at a banquet hall about five blocks from the church."

"I'll have to get a dress."

"Emmy is totally casual," I replied. "The invitation said 'informal'. I plan to wear black slacks, a long-sleeve Oxford shirt, and a tie, not a suit. Life was MUCH easier when I was a deacon, as I had to wear a cassock and «ryassa»."

"What's that second thing you said?"

"A black full-length cloak that's worn as an outer garment. My cassocks were either blue or grey."

"Could you be a deacon again someday?"

"A twice-married man is canonically ineligible, though the bishop could, in theory, grant «ekonomia», which you would probably call 'dispensation'. Doing that would have the potential to cause a serious uproar amongst the laity, so the short answer is that it is possible, but not very likely."

"Is that something you'd want to do?"

"Having been there and done that, as it were, I'd say being a deacon and a doctor are not easily compatible, and I'd have to think long and hard about it, and consult with my wife, before I accepted anything like that. I'm still a catechist and a Sunday school teacher, and I can do anything I did as a deacon without actually being a deacon, except for a few liturgical duties. I'd say the odds are heavily against, for all the reasons I gave."

I also had zero interest in living under a microscope again, though I didn't want to get into that discussion with Nadiya just yet. If we were to marry, I'd share as much as possible with her, but not before then.

"I don't know how you handle being a single dad, playing in a band, and studying to be a doctor! I can't imagine how it was before!"

"Well, I wasn't a single dad when I was ordained, but it has been a challenge."

"Out of curiosity, if we do marry, what happens a year from now when I start college?"

"Rachel goes to daycare at either the hospital or the parish. She loves being in daycare at the hospital and enjoys being with the other toddlers. Depending on schedules, you'd likely have to pick her up and drop her off, but we'd have help from her godmother and my friends I've mentioned before."

"And when would you want to have kids together?" Nadiya asked.

"I believe we discussed that, and my answer is that the timing would be up to you. I'd like to have at least one more, but I have no specific total number in mind."

"You'll work some shifts which are thirty-six hours, right?"

"Yes. And no time off until the end of my PGY1 year, though I'll have a few days between graduation and when my Residency begins."

"It sounds like no honeymoon."

"Not before the end of May next year, but worse, depending on my shift schedule and when we could marry based on church guidelines, I might have to leave from the reception to go to the hospital."

"No wedding night?!" Nadiya asked in disbelief.

"I seriously doubt that would happen, but it could. I think the best way to put it is to say that we won't be in control of our lives. My Residency will basically dictate what we're able to do and when we're able to do it. About five years from now, I'll have more control, but for the rest of my life, the needs of my patients and of the hospital will take precedence over personal wishes. It's a sacrifice all physicians make in one form or another."

"And their families."

"Yes. I don't want to give you a rosy picture, and I'm usually portraying the worst-case scenario, because I think it's important for you to come into this with your eyes wide open, if that's what you choose to do."

"I have to ask this question — why would you sign up for that?"

"Because there is nothing I want to do with my life more than be a doctor. That's been true since fourth grade, and it hasn't changed. Yes, I want to be a husband and a dad, but my calling to be a doctor came before I even considered marriage or fatherhood, or before I ever considered being a deacon. It is what has driven me for the past fifteen years."

"I'm just going to say this straight — that seems totally wrong."

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, medicine is a harsh, demanding, jealous mistress, and she does not brook anyone or anything interfering with her demands."

"You think you're worth me signing up for that?" Nadiya asked.

"What actually matters if you think I'm worth signing up for that. What I have to offer is to be a loving husband, a doting father, a good provider, and to have a proper Christian approach to life."

"Proper?"

"Following Jesus' teaching about the two greatest commandments and trying to live the Beatitudes. Jesus, as described by Gospels, especially John, and by the Epistle of James, is my model."

"Love God and love your neighbor."

"On those two commandments hang the entire Law and the Prophets," I replied. "If you do those two things, you don't need commandments, be they fifteen, ten, or two!"

"Two I get because of what you just said, but fifteen?"

"The fifteen is a reference to History of the World, Part I where Mel Brooks, as Moses, comes down from Mount Sinai carrying three stone tablets, having received the Law from God. When he begins to make the announcement about the commandments to the people, he proclaims, 'The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... ', then drops one of the tablets, which shatters, and he continues 'Oy ... ten! TEN Commandments! For all to obey!'"

Nadiya laughed, "Nice."

"I take it you've never seen it?"

"No."

"I don't know if it's available on VHS or not, but it's worth seeing, along with anything else Mel Brooks made. The same is true of Monty Python, who are just as irreverent, if not worse. And if you want extreme irreverence, George Carlin is awesome."

"You're OK with making fun of religion?"

"Including my own," I replied.

We arrived at Saint George in Loveland, and when we went into the nave, I let one of the acolytes know I wanted to have Father Stephen hear my confession during the Odes. My request was conveyed, and the acolyte returned to say that Father Stephen had agreed. About forty minutes later, I handed Rachel to Nadiya and went to stand before the icon of Christ with Father Stephen. He said the confession prayer, then asked the usual question.

"What is it, Michael, that you need to confess?"

"May I preface this by saying that I'm hoping you'll permit me to receive the Eucharist today, based on progress, not perfection?"

"If your progress is sufficient, I would give it great weight."

"I'm not yet completely chaste, but I'm making significant progress. Do you want specifics?"

"No. Is it your intention to become chaste before you betroth yourself to someone?"

"Yes. And as strange as this might sound, I've not acted improperly with either of the young women who I consider to be a potential spouse."

"Is the young woman with you one of them?"

"Yes. She's LCMS, not Orthodox, so she won't receive the Eucharist."

"Before we move to any other topics, do you repent of your sexual sin?"

"I acknowledge I've missed the mark of perfection and know that I have sinned, and that «metanoia» is necessary, and I am making the effort."

"Spoken like a catechist," Father Stephen said lightly. "I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"I prefer the term «metanoia» because it's a fuller meaning than 'repent', which we tend to see as 'feeling sorry for your sin' rather than turning away from it."

"I am familiar with the term," Father Stephen said with a wry smile.

"Sorry," I replied. "I spend a lot of time with non-Orthodox."

"It's OK, Mike. What else do you have to confess?"

"This is only the second time I've been to church since my previous confession."

"Because you couldn't receive the Eucharist? Or because of your schedule?"

"The Eucharist was part of it, but mostly because I stopped seeing a young woman in Columbus and simply don't feel at peace at Saint Michael."

"Is it possible to attend weekly at Holy Transfiguration? I'm sure Father Alexi would welcome you, and you grew up there."

"I could," I replied. "And it's something I'll consider."

"Is there anything else on your heart?"

"No, Father."

"Then I'll serve you Eucharist today, but I'd like you to confess before you partake in the future. I believe you know the saying «Доверяй, но проверяй» (Doveryai, no proveryai)?"

"Trust, but verify," I replied. "May I request permission to receive at Holy Transfiguration for the next two weeks?"