Chapter 22: It Really Turns On That?

July 21, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

"I think it's a valid point," Lara said as we sat down on Thursday evening to eat the meal which Katy's mom had prepared. "Mainly because you and I agreed that we'd change our relationship once I started my student teaching."

"You think sex is the key to my emotional stability?"

"No, I don't," Lara said. "I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you needed the closeness that comes with sleeping in the same bed with someone. Sure, sex is part of that, but it's not the primary thing for you. Weirdly, you get girls to have sex with you so you can get them into bed, not the other way around."

I laughed, "An interesting notion, and it does fit how I've described it, including to Father Stephen."

"And there's a reason for us to stop sleeping together," she said. "You need the Eucharist."

"Yes, but per Father Stephen, that requires complete chastity, and you know Kari spends the night on Wednesdays."

"I think Father Stephen is an idiot," Lara declared. "But you created that situation yourself by asking for a confessor other than Father Nicholas. That said, it's sheer lunacy to deny you the Eucharist when you so obviously need it. But forget that for the moment, who exactly would help you through the emotional trauma?"

"You, Clarissa, Kari, and Anicka," I replied.

"But Kari agrees with Danika, right?"

"After a fashion, yes."

"And there are limits to what Clarissa can do for you due to her relationship with Tessa. And, as much as I enjoy our nights together, we both know that has to end at some point."

"Do we both really know that?" I asked.

"OK, I know it," Lara said. "You still think it's possible for us to find a compromise."

"I still think you're thinking too much about Mike before rather than Mike after."

"And I think you will revert to form," Lara replied. "And I'd bet, deep down, you know that, even if you aren't willing to admit it to me, or even to yourself. But that's beside the point Danika made."

"Only if we stick to your understanding!"

"Let's set that aside and go back to the point Danika made. Having the future Mrs. Loucks by your side at the end of August seems to me to be the right approach, and it was your initial thinking on the matter. The question is, then, are you ready to decide?"

"No."

"It's between Danika and Nadiya. Sara simply isn't mature enough. She has some fantasy of being married to you, but has no ability to actually deal with what it would mean to be your wife and Rachel's mom."

"I suspect you're correct. I'm confident about Danika, but I need to spend more time with Nadiya to figure out if she can handle it."

"Or, you could ask Danijela," Lara suggested. "Unless she's been seeing someone else, that is."

"I'm not sure she'd be amenable to a proposal at this point."

"I'd take the 'she would be' side of that wager," Lara said.

"I'm not so sure. I think she rightly deduced she was my safety net, if you will. Her point was valid, though I rejected her approach."

"I still say she'd say 'yes', but you seem to have reduced your options to Nadiya and Danika. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Is there anyone else?"

"Kari," I replied, "but she's adamantly stated that she's not ready to be a wife or mom, or even live together with responsibility for Rachel, and won't be before she graduates from college. Well, and Annette, but that would mean a year apart and a Residency at Vanderbilt, or Katy, but that would also mean a year apart and a Residency at Stanford. Neither of those are realistic. Susana or Irina are also possibilities if I were to decide to wait until they graduate from college."

"But in that case, you'd choose Kari, right?"

"Probably, but you know how crazy August and September will be for me with a surgical schedule. It'll be worse next year, and the last thing I want is for Rachel to basically be raised by Yulia. Right now, it's not so bad because Rachel is just starting to talk and has limited comprehension. That won't be true a year from now, and certainly not two years from now, at the end of my Intern year."

"Is that you speaking?" Lara asked. "Or Elizaveta."

"Probably both," I replied. "Elizaveta absolutely rejected the idea, and it would seem to dishonor her memory if I allowed it to happen. One night a week is OK in the short term, out of necessity, but I just can't bring myself to allow more than that."

"They've had her two nights in a row some weekends. And you seemed to think it was a good idea."

"Yes, and now I've decided that was a bad idea. It's not what Elizaveta wanted."

"She's dead, Mike. I know you want to honor her wishes, but nobody could have foreseen the circumstances in which you find yourself."

"I don't see how it harms Rachel for me to honor Elizaveta's wishes, nor how that harms me. And she's not dead in the way you meant that. She is, and always will be, alive in Christ, and prays for Rachel and me without end. We'll be reunited with her in the throne room of God."

"What about the 'no marriage or giving in marriage'?"

"I didn't say anything about marriage, I simply said we'd be reunited. I can't tell you what life will be like after the general resurrection, but I know we'll be together."

"I'm not talking theology, Mike; I'm talking reality."

"The two are one and the same," I replied. "The entire point of theology is to apply the truths of God's Revelation to our lives. Accurate words about God are vital to understanding the message of salvation."

"May I point out that you are proving me right with regard to our approach to our faiths?"

"Yes, you may," I replied. "And I'll point out that what I'm saying is in line with both theology and popular piety. In any event, you know I can't set that aside. I may be violating Church teaching with regard to sexual purity, but that doesn't change my belief that Orthodox theology is the best explanation of reality and of the human condition. The bottom line is, I don't want Yulia being Rachel's primary caregiver. And when I marry, Rachel will spend less time with them, so increasing the amount of time she spends with them now is not wise, as I see it."

"Out of curiosity, is Father Nicholas going to perform a spur-of-the-moment betrothal and crowning ceremony?"

"I haven't discussed it with him, but I don't think he'll stand in the way. And I'll appeal to Vladyka JOHN if Father Nicholas balks."

"Have you spoken to him recently?"

"I had a brief conversation with him the last time I was in Columbus for Divine Liturgy."

"When are you seeing Nadiya again?"

"On Saturday. She hasn't bailed on the craziness that is my life."

"What is it about her that attracts you?"

"We have quite a few interests in common," I replied. "You met her, so you know she's sweet, intelligent, and personable."

"And that almost milk white skin?"

"Certainly had my attention from the moment I met her, but is not the primary motivation. And the same is true for Danika. I obviously noticed how attractive she is, but it's the shared vision of the future that is most important."

"Which you had with Danijela, right?"

"Yes, but as I've said, two different futures, both of which are perfectly acceptable to me."

"And Nadiya?"

"An open question. She hasn't decided what she wants to do in terms of a major, so her vision of the future is, well, 'flexible' is probably the best word. She wants to marry and have kids, though she didn't have a specific timeframe. And you know she decided to take a year off between High School and college."

"PAPA!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Someone doesn't want to be ignored!" Lara declared.

I took Rachel from her high chair and balanced her on my leg while I finished my meal. Lara offered to clean up, and I took Rachel to the great room to read Hop on Pop to her before the three of us said evening prayers. Once prayers were finished, I put Rachel to bed, and then Lara and I went to the master bedroom.

"What's the plan for August?" she asked after we brushed our teeth.

"For the first two weeks, Sunday through Thursday will be split between you and Subdeacon Mark and Alyssa, as Serafima is going to deliver sometime between now and the end of the second week in August and Anna is due at any moment. My plan is for whomever is watching her to bring her to the hospital daycare between 6:00am and 7:00am."

We undressed and climbed into bed, with Lara snuggling close.

"You know I can still help out after I start student teaching, right? The plan was simply to stop sleeping together. I can split with Mark and Alyssa, and if I sleep here, I can easily get Rachel fed and to daycare before I have to be at school at 7:00am."

"You know I won't turn down that offer," I replied. "The two weeks I'm covering the ER for surgical consults I don't start until 6:00am, so I can get Rachel to daycare myself. Also, Sara, Oksana, and Sara's friend Katherine have offered to help, and Anicka is our emergency backup. Serafima thinks she'll be ready to help by September 1st, but with a new baby, I don't think she's going to be able to give much time, and I wouldn't expect her to."

"She feels obligated as Rachel's godmother," Lara said. "And because Elizaveta was her best friend."

"Yes, but reality will trump her feeling of obligation! Sleep becomes very precious, and she'll be nursing, something I couldn't do."

"Now there's an image!" Lara declared mirthfully.

"You know I really appreciate your help," I said. "And I have no way of ever making it up to you."

"Why should you?" Lara asked. "I love you, I love Rachel, and I want to help. I'm not doing it for any earthly reward!"

"Are you sure about that?" I teased.

Lara laughed, "I'll take that 'earthly reward' right now!"

I certainly had no objections, and rewarded her twice before we fell asleep in each other's arms.

July 22, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

"Starting on August 1st, one of my friends will be bringing Rachel to daycare in the mornings," I said to Marcie.

"Will you pick her up?"

"Yes. Either my friend Lara or my friends Mark and Alyssa will bring her."

"You don't need to do anything special for drop off, only for pickup. You have several names on the pickup list, if I recall correctly."

I had put down Lara, Clarissa, Mark and Alyssa, Anicka, and Yulia, which was more than the daycare usually permitted, but given my circumstances, they'd made an exception.

"OK. I'll be picking her up just after 4:30pm except for the week in August and the week in September when I'm covering the ED. Those weeks I'll pick her up sometime after 6:00pm."

"Perfect! May I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"Why pin a cross to the shoulder of her onesies?"

"Orthodox Christians are supposed to wear their baptismal crosses at all times, and I'm sure you know you can't put a necklace on an infant. Traditionally, we pin their crosses to their clothes, usually over their shoulder blade. Putting it in front makes it too easy for the baby to grasp it and put it in their mouth. When she's about two, she'll wear it the usual way, with a very thin chain."

"All the time?" Marcie asked.

I nodded, "In bed, in the shower, playing sports, and so on. I take it off for surgery, with my bishop's blessing, because of the rules against all jewelry under scrubs."

"I've never seen your cross."

"It's always worn next to the skin," I replied. "It's a reminder for me, not something to show off."

"Is it like Rachel's?"

Rachel's cross was thin and gold, whereas mine was silver and heavy.

"No. I wear a Russian soldier's cross. I can show you, if you like."

Marcie nodded, and I carefully withdrew my cross from under my shirt to show her.

"What's inscribed on the back?"

"The Paschal stichera in the fifth tone, which is drawn from Psalm 67, or 68 in Protestant Bibles. It says 'Let God arise and let his enemies be scattered' in Church Slavonic, which is an early Slavic language, akin to, say, Middle English compared to Modern English."

"You have different numbered Psalms?"

"Yes, and as much as I'd like to explain why, I need to get to the ED!"

"Then let me take Rachel. You can explain some other time!"

I handed her Rachel, who cooed and gurgled, as she really liked Marcie and, from all reports, loved being in daycare with the other kids. I left daycare and headed to the ED, where I quickly changed and then joined Lauren on the couch in the lounge.

"Daughter safely in daycare?" she asked.

"She is. She really likes being with the other kids."

"Some people have a real problem with using daycare."

"Some people can raise their kids however they want, but I think it's good for Rachel. Granted, it's as much as out of necessity as anything, but I don't buy the notion that it somehow harms her. That would be true even if she had a mom. I suppose part of it comes from a tradition in our church of having extended families care for kids. My grandmother cared for my sister and me when my mom went back to work until I was twelve, at which point I basically took care of myself after school, and watched out for Liz, my sister, who's three years younger."

"Similar to how things were back home in Kentucky," Lauren said. "Though in our case, it was a neighbor lady. Once I was thirteen, I started babysitting."

"Mike, Lauren?" Nurse Ellie called out from the door to the lounge. "First run of the morning! Paramedics are five minutes out with a finger amputation from a kitchen accident."

We got up and made our way to the ambulance bay, stopping to don gowns and gloves.

"How do you cut off your finger accidentally?" Lauren asked.

"Very carefully?" I suggested, chuckling. "I suppose we'll ask."

It turned out not to be a knife, which we'd assumed, but an accident involving a garbage disposal. The finger wasn't salvageable, and once we verified the patient was stabilized, he went up to surgery to have a procedure to create a skin flap to cover the end of the stub that used to be his index finger.

"Something doesn't feel right about this," Doctor Gabriel said after the orderly left with the patient.

"What do you mean?" Lauren asked.

"He said he was un-jamming the disposal, and a jammed disposal won't begin turning until you use an Allen wrench to re-engage the motor and blades. You have to insert the wrench into a hex slot in the bottom of the disposal and turn it, then press the reset button. Either he did it on purpose, or someone turned on the switch while he had his hand in the drain."

"Or he was stupid," I interjected. "He said it had been jammed, and maybe he foolishly hit the reset button and stuck his hand in to clear it without turning off the power."

"I suppose that's possible," Doctor Gabriel said. "But I'm fairly sure you have to use the hex wrench. But I'm a doctor, not a mechanical engineer!"

I laughed, "OK, Doctor McCoy!"

"Why would he have done it on purpose?" Lauren asked.

"Insurance fraud or mental illness. I'm surprised the officer who responded to the call with the paramedics didn't come to ask us questions."

"Are you going to say anything?" I asked.

Doctor Gabriel shook his head, "Not to the cops. That's not our job. I will call up to surgery and suggest a psych consult just in case."

"My money is on 'stupid'," I replied. "You know the adage, right?"

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

"I'd think that was the watch phrase for emergency medicine!" I declared.

"A reasonable point! I think I'll just let this go and chalk it up to 'dumb'."

We didn't make it back to the lounge before Nurse Julie called out that an ambulance was three minutes out with two MVA victims. It had been a low-speed crash, and the patients had 'bumps and bruises', but no other injuries, so they were released once their exams were complete.

Not long after that, we treated a walk-in for a rule-out MI due to chest pains, but with no signs on the EKG nor any markers in his blood work, the patient was given a referral to a cardiologist and released. That brought us to lunch, so Lauren and I went to the cafeteria, but Maryam wasn't there. She'd missed a few other lunches, usually because of a procedure that ran long, so Lauren and I got our lunches and sat down to eat. Maryam arrived about fifteen minutes later.

"We had a bypass procedure, and the patient coded on the table. We revived him, but that added about twenty minutes to the procedure."

"Our excitement for the morning was male versus garbage disposal. You can guess which won."

"Ouch!" Maryam exclaimed.

"He lost most of his right index finger trying to un-jam the disposal."

"Men!" Maryam said mirthfully. "Even I know you use one of those hex-shaped tools to clear a jammed disposal! And you don't press the reset switch until the power is off!"

"When we discussed it, Doctor Gabriel's comment was that he was a doctor, not a mechanical engineer."

"And a Star Trek reference made your day, right?" Maryam asked with a knowing smile.

"Of course!" I grinned.

We finished our lunches, and Lauren I headed back to the Emergency Department. It was a relatively quiet afternoon, so I supervised Lauren while she sutured, and at the end of our shifts, I went to daycare to get Rachel and we headed to my in-laws for Rachel's usual Friday night with them. Once she was settled, I headed home to get ready for my date with Sara.

Lara had made the point that Sara wasn't mature enough to make the commitment to be a wife and mother, and having thought about it, I was reasonably sure Lara was correct. That said, I had to give Sara an opportunity to prove me wrong, though I wasn't quite sure how she'd do that. That also raised the question of sleeping together, because if I wasn't sure she was mature enough to marry, it felt almost as if I was using her. I'd have a few hours to think further about it while we had dinner and saw the movie.

"Hi!" Sara exclaimed when she arrived.