Chapter 18: Questions

July 2, 1988, Cincinnati, Ohio

At the zoo, I got Rachel settled in her stroller and wondered if she'd react at all to the animals. At ten months, she was becoming aware of her surroundings more than just the presence or absence of certain people. I paid our admission, and we decided to check out the large African and Asian animals first — elephants, lions, tigers, hippopotamuses, and so on. I chuckled to myself because I had thought about the common usage 'hippopotami', which was in the same class as 'octopi' — fake Latin plurals of Greek words.

"I think she's going to be bored," Nadiya said as we walked along the path that led us to the animals.

"Probably," I agreed. "But she won't mind being held, and she seems to like being in her stroller, though not as much as the rocking chair."

"I wouldn't mind carrying her for a bit," Nadiya said.

"Be my guest!"

We stopped and Nadiya picked up Rachel and held her more or less on her hip.

"MAMA!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Oh, come on!" I said, laughing hard. "Seriously?"

"GA!" Rachel gurgled.

Nadiya tittered, "The Tsarina has spoken! There's only one thing to do in response!"

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Ignore her!" Nadiya replied with a smirk. "What did you think I was going to say?"

"You know darn well!" I replied, still laughing. "You said it the way you did to imply we should get married, but then pulled a switcheroo! And I'm not upset, I'm impressed."

"Impressed?"

"I like that kind of goofiness."

"What if I'd said what you expected me to say?"

"I'd suggest the first thing we'd need to do is go to church tomorrow, so you have an idea what you're signing up for."

"You'd seriously consider marrying?" Nadiya asked.

"Didn't you make the point that was what dating was about? And aren't you considering it?"

"Well, yes," Nadiya admitted. "But this quickly?"

"Is there some minimum time?" I asked.

Nadiya was quiet for a brief moment.

"I'm not sure," she replied thoughtfully. "I've never actually thought about it. Are you ready to ask on what amounts to our third date?"

"No," I replied. "Partly because we're still getting to know one another, and partly because I'm still working through my emotional trauma. I'm in a reasonably good place, but I know the end of next month is going to be difficult. I'm still trying to figure out how to properly honor Elizaveta, but not detract from Rachel's birthday. It's going to be a stark reminder every year."

"That could really upset Rachel as she gets older and understands what happened."

I nodded, "Yes, though from a medical perspective, it was a ticking time bomb that would go off eventually, as it was undetectable with commonly available medical equipment. Even if detected, untreatable."

"But something could detect it?"

"The new CAT scanners, which are, well, call them sophisticated X-rays using computers, could. Moore Memorial received their first one in February. The thing is, even if they'd had it sooner, Elizaveta had no symptoms, so nobody would have ordered that kind of scan. And had they ordered it, and it had been found, it couldn't be treated. As the pathologist said, her specific congenital problem is 'routinely fatal'. I have to figure out how to communicate that to Rachel in a way she can understand and not feel as if she caused her mother's death."

"When do you think you'll tell her?"

"I don't know just yet. I'm reasonably sure that by the time she can even understand the concept, she'll have someone she calls 'Mom' and at least one sibling. Well, half-sibling, but I don't intend to make that distinction."

"So you'll say something about her biological mom, but in terms you think she'll understand, even though she has a mom?"

"Yes. I mean, there's no way it could be kept from her as Elizaveta is buried in the parish cemetery and she's commemorated with the dead. I also think it would be disrespectful. And given that, I have to figure out when and how to tell Rahel. The problem, of course, is that I'll visit Elizaveta's grave on the anniversary of her repose, which is also Rachel's birthday."

"I can see the problem."

"How would you handle it?" I asked.

"I have no clue! I haven't even thought about being a mom except in an 'in the future' kind of way. Until I met you, I hadn't even thought about being married except in an 'in the future' way. I guess both are kind of real now. I think I'd have to learn on the job the way you have."

"I think everyone does," I replied. "Even if you have someone helping out, as I've had, it's still on me to make decisions and figure out what is best for Rachel. I have some 'husband' experience, so, to quote one of my female friends, I'm housebroken."

Nadiya laughed, "Cute!"

"So, what do you think about marriage?" I asked.

"In general? Or to you?"

"To me, obviously, though, I'll take an answer in general, if it's the only one you have."

"I suppose the biggest question in my mind is if I'm ready to make a lifetime commitment at eighteen, and I don't know the answer to that question. That's the thing that's been churning in my mind for the past two weeks. Obviously, I like you, or I wouldn't be going out with you. And Rachel and I obviously get along. It would be weird to go from being single to being married with a kid in one fell swoop, but I'm not saying 'no'."

"Macbeth, Act IV, Scene 3."

"What?"

"'One fell swoop' is what Shakespeare had Macduff say when he learned his entire family had been murdered in a single, savage act. We use it more generally, without the connotations of violence."

"How the heck do you know that?"

"I read a lot of Shakespeare in High School and really enjoyed it, along with science fiction. It was one of the things that stuck, along with all the risqué verses that mostly go over people's heads these days, but would have caused uproarious laughter at the Globe Theatre."

"There are sex jokes in Shakespeare?"

"All over the place! But we can follow that rabbit trail later. Sorry for derailing the conversation."

"It's OK. It's just amazing the stuff you have packed into your brain."

"Having a very good memory is part and parcel of being a good physician, especially in trauma, where you don't have the luxury of looking things up in books or journals."

"How would you see it working?"

"Well, you taking a year off before starting college would actually work fairly well. When you started college, Rachel would go to daycare either at the hospital or at Saint Michael the Archangel, which is my current home parish. We'd obviously have to work out Rachel's schedule, because once you start school I'd be in my Intern year. And I would assume kids would wait until you graduated. That's one possibility, and there are others as well, and pretty much everything except my medical training and choice of church is negotiable."

"Did you just come up with that off the top of your head or had you thought it out beforehand?"

"I've been thinking about it since before I asked the bishop to release me from my clerical role," I replied. "I just adapted my thinking to your specific situation."

"And you think I'd make a good wife and mother?"

"Rachel certainly does!" I chuckled.

"Assuming you accept the babbling of a ten-month-old as wisdom from the Oracle of Delphi!"

"Psalm 8 says 'Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants'," I chuckled.

"I didn't realize that 'out of the mouths of babes' was from the Bible."

"There are many idioms that stem from the Bible, along with Shakespeare and Homer. Having an Achilles' heel is from Homer's Iliad, for example, and we just discussed Shakespeare and the Scriptures."

"Do you have a photographic memory?"

"No. My ability to recall things is limited to those things which I intend to recall or study. That's why I study my medical school flashcards regularly. For procedures, it's about repetition. And I use all sorts of memory tricks to enhance recall. I can't just recall an entire page of text I read or anything like that. Basically, you can't get through medical school without a strong long-term memory. And we're quizzed on things all the time."

"What if you don't know something?"

"It depends on what it is," I replied. "At each stage of our training, we're expected to know certain things. If we don't, we could fail a rotation. Depending on what it is, and which year, that could prevent you from graduating. For things we're in the process of learning, we get some leeway, but not much. For things we haven't learned, it's most commonly to see if we can make appropriate inferences and deductions from what we do know.

"To give a concrete example, when I'm on a surgical rotation, I'm expected to know each step of the procedure, the potential complications, and the appropriate pre-op and post-op procedures and care. That means looking over the schedule and reading the necessary text, usually the night before. Surgeons will ask questions to ensure we've done that. We handle pre-op care, watch the procedure, then handle post-op care. On rare occasions, we'll get to hold a retractor or suction, but that's not common. Real work in surgery comes during Residency."

"So, what do you do in the ER?"

"Basic procedures, including blood draws, suturing, inserting IVs and catheters, administering drugs, hooking up monitors, and basic exams. As a Fourth Year, I also do triage for walk-ins. Basically, that means asking questions and taking down basic information to see how serious a case is. Obviously, if they're having a heart attack, or whatever, we take them in immediately. Otherwise, I classify them and they are seen in order of how serious their complaint is."

"It sounds like you're a junior doctor."

"That's one way to put it. I've also heard 'student doctor', but most people in medicine frown on using the term 'doctor' for anyone who isn't a doctor. I say I'm a Sub-Intern, which is the last training phase before being a doctor. My current rotation is emergency medicine, then surgery, pathology, cardiology, Intensive Care, and finally emergency medicine again. I'll take the second part of the Medical Licensing Exam in April, but I'll know which hospital I'm assigned to in March. It'll be Moore Memorial in McKinley, barring some bizarre set of circumstances I can't even articulate."

"PAPA! BA!" Rachel interjected.

"She wants something to drink," I said. "There's a bottle of apple juice in the stroller bag."

"Me?"

"You can see if she'll take it from you."

I retrieved the bottle and handed it to Nadiya. Rachel did accept it and happily drank her juice as we walked along the enclosures for the African animals. We then made our way to see the new white lion cub that had been brought to the zoo in February.

"I think she needs a diaper change," Nadiya said.

"Be my guest!" I grinned.

"No chance! That's a 'dad' thing, not a 'girlfriend' thing!"

"So now you're my girlfriend?"

"Three dates? We're getting into that territory, aren't we?"

"I suppose so," I replied.

I took Rachel from Nadiya and used a bench to change Rachel's diaper. Once she was clean, I put her back in the stroller and we continued walking around the Zoo until 5:00pm. When we left, we headed to Goshen to deliver Rachel to my mom. Once she was settled, Nadiya and I headed to Eastgate where we had pizza at LaRosa's, then saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

We both enjoyed the live-action animation and when the movie ended, I drove Nadiya to her house.

"Did you want to go to church in the morning?" I asked as we headed north on I-275 towards Route 28. "If so, I can sleep in my mom's guest room."

"Could we do it next week?" Nadiya asked. "It's too late to discuss it with my parents tonight."

"Sure. That would be fine."

"What about getting together on Saturday?"

"I have a shift because I traded so Code Blue can play at the McKinley Fourth of July celebration at Milton Lake. Once my shift is over, I'll drive to my mom's house, which means I'll get there around 9:00pm. Then I'll plan to spend all day Sunday with you, if that works. I'll just need to leave for home by 7:00pm so I can get enough sleep."

"OK. What are you doing for the Fourth? I mean besides your consent?"

"If you want to come to McKinley, you can meet my friend Clarissa and hear our performance. Afterwards, we can hang out with my friends for a picnic dinner and the fireworks. If you don't want to drive home late, I have a guest room, or if you aren't comfortable with that, I could arrange with a professor friend of mine for you to use a room at her house."

"I have to work on Tuesday," Nadiya said. "But my shift starts at 10:00am. Let me talk to my parents."

"May I point out that you're ceding control to them, rather than asserting your independence as an adult? I'm not saying you should thumb your nose at them, but rather than asking permission, you should simply inform them of what you plan to do. Discuss it, by all means, but as long as you give them control, they're going to keep it."

"Did you miss the part where I live at home? And they're going to pay for college?"

"No, but that doesn't mean you need to accept them treating you like a child when you're an adult. Let me ask you this — if I were to ask you to marry me, would you ask your dad's permission?"

"Well, no," Nadiya replied. "But I know his opinion."

In my mind, I compared the situation with Danika and Nadiya and the difference, as I saw it, was cultural. With Danika, I cut her some slack in that regard because her parents had both been born in India and raised with those cultural values. I didn't agree with it, and it was something of a concern, but Danika seemed independent enough, especially given her willingness to go against her dad's wishes about going to Stanford.

Nadiya's family, on the other hand, had been in the US longer than my mom's side of the family, and to me that meant they should be treating her as an adult with all the freedom and responsibility that came with it. I knew there were conservative parents, with Tasha's dad being the most conservative I had known, but even he had grudgingly acknowledged that Tasha was an adult when she'd turned eighteen.

In Danika's case, I had her assertion, based on her family's culture, and borne out by what I'd seen and heard, that once she married, she would 'belong' to her husband, not her father. While I rejected the entire notion of 'possession', it did make clear that the influence her parents would have would be minimal, and that final decisions would rest with me. What I needed to see from Nadiya was a similar assertion of independence, which I'd seen from Sara, Danijela, and the others who had at one time or another expressed interest.

Sara's challenge was maturity and forthrightness, not parental interference, as her parents had raised no objections to her seeing me with the intent of eventually marrying. The same was true for Oksana, who, despite being from one of the more conservative families in the parish, and steeped in Russian culture, was treated as an adult similar to how Tasha had been.

"Then why ask permission for something as innocent as going to church or joining me for the Fourth of July, especially if you were to stay with my professor friend rather than in my guest room?"

"It's what I've always done," Nadiya replied.

I nodded, "And if that's what you've always done, and don't change, it's what you'll always do. You made the point that your dad doesn't see you as an adult. At least part of that is because you don't see yourself as an adult."

"I literally just graduated High School a month ago!" Nadiya protested.

"Yes, that's true, but your assertion of at least some independence should have started with your driving license. That is the condicio sine qua non — the indispensable ingredient — for freedom for American teens, obtainable at age sixteen. That's when I first began asserting my freedom, within limits, of course. And the thing is, I got significant pushback from my parents the Summer after I graduated when I asserted I was an independent adult with the freedom to make my own decisions."

"Were you still living at home?"

"Yes, at first. But then I moved into the dorm at Taft."

I felt the entire situation with Liz could be kept out of the discussion, despite it being a major cause of conflict.

"And I have to live at home for another year."

"Because of a decision you made," I replied. "Or was that something your dad suggested?"

"When I didn't know what I wanted to study, he suggested it."

"Did you investigate going to college 'undeclared'?" I asked. "You take core courses and electives, plus take classes in things that might interest you, then declare your major before you begin your Junior year."

"No. I didn't know that was possible."

"That's something your guidance counselor should have told you about."

"I didn't meet with her because I'd already decided to take a year off."

"You have to ask yourself this question," I said. "Who controls your life? You? Or your dad?"

"Why do I feel as if things just went off the rails?" Nadiya asked.

"They haven't," I said, trying to sound reassuring. "I'm simply giving you a different picture of the world, and more importantly, of yourself, than the one instilled in you by your parents. There are two basic paths to being treated as an adult — gaining permission or asserting it. I'll leave it for you to work out, which is, by far, the more common."

"Asserting it, of course," Nadiya replied.

"Will your dad ever give you permission to not be his 'little girl'?"

Nadiya took a deep breath and let it out before answering, "No."

"So..." I said, using my mom's patented technique to encourage a reply.

"And if it turns into a fight? Or he threatens to kick me out of the house?"

"First of all, any parent who would kick their child out of the house for asserting reasonable independence is not just wrong, but abdicating their responsibility for raising a good citizen. As for a fight, don't turn it into one. Be reasonable, calm, and logical. And marshal your forces, including your mom, who seems more open to you being an adult. Out of curiosity, do they treat your younger brother differently?"