Chapter 3

The next day, Rupa is absent. I keep getting harassed by Ravi’s group and bullied by the girls. Instead of pity or sympathy, my crying and weeping only attract laughter. But at least I have learned from my mistake. I don’t go to places which might be empty. I just let them torture me, dump garbage and slime, make me fall and poke me with pens while calling me names or asking horrible things to happen to me. By the end of the day, I feel broken, exhausted and sad beyond anything possible. I have lost feeling for everything. The food doesn’t taste anything. I can’t smell anything good. It feels like everything good in the world has died and decayed. I just feel empty and sad and exhausted. Once again I cry myself to sleep.

On the third day, I learn from one of the teachers that Rupa has gone to her mother’s village and is going to stay for a few months.

The girls were extra mad because now in Rupa’s absence, Ravi and his friends had free reign. But fortunately for girls, they are focusing solely on me.

“With your tits and ass, the rest of the class look like boys”, one of the guys says. Ravi and the rest of his friends agree. Somehow this makes girls more furious at me. I find a used and bloody sanitary pad in my bag.

This continues till the end of the week.

Every minute of the week has been torture. In class either I am being sexually harassed by Ravi and his friends or being physically and mentally bullied by girls.

All the pages on my notebooks have been filled with either suggestions or name calls. On each page, I find “Cunt”, “Pussy”, “Horny”, “Slut”, “Whore”, “Bimbo”, “Dumb fuck” or suggestions or threats like “You should kill yourself”, “You should be raped”, “We will poke your eyes”, “We will break your legs”, “You should get AIDs” and others.

I have lost count of the number of times I have found chewing gum on my hair and dress or the number of times I have been locked in a restroom stall. I have found used sanitary pads, food leftovers, chewing gum, and supposedly used condoms in my bag.

Every time I am near any girl, she finds it amusing to stab me with her pen, rounder or divider. I have fallen more than half a dozen times, stumbling on someone’s legs.

In the evenings, I keep getting messages to fuck people, get raped, or kill myself. In no message does anyone use my real name. It’s always one of those rude name-calls. All these are in addition to constant evil hungry faces, and awkward secret stares I keep noticing from people that don’t even know me.

Meanwhile, I have to deal with the most devastating thing that has happened to me, losing the most important person in my life.

Now, every time I see a person, no matter boy or girl, I suddenly get anxious and start panicking. I flinch and run, even from strangers.

I have been crying the whole week. Sometimes it’s because I lost Rupa, sometimes thinking about being violated by Ravi and his friends or sometimes about how the girls are treating me. I have absolutely no friends, no one to talk to, no one I can share this with, no one who pities me.

I put myself to sleep by crying and waking up multiple times in the nights covered in sweat having dreamt of being strangled to death, kicked to death, drowned to death or beaten to death.

The worst thing is I know it’s all my fault, my body’s fault. The girls were all jealous before but Rupa was always my staunch supporter. She was always by my side. I broke her up, her true love, her love since before she knew what love meant. I know I am being punished for ruining something so pure. I truly hate myself for this. I hate my body. I fantasize about ripping these fucking things off my chest and my butt. These fantasies were the only things that brought any pleasure anymore.

By Saturday I know one thing, I can’t go on like this for even one more day. As I lie on my bed in the evening I know, I can’t live like this. But there is no way out, absolutely no way to make this better.

Then I hear a “ting” from my phone. I see the message.

“Kill yourself!”

Oh, I know it now. This is the way, the only way. Maybe killing myself will make everyone happy. I don’t think there is any other way they will leave me alone. Yes, this is the only way out of this darkness. Maybe then they will be happy, maybe then they will feel pity. Maybe then Rupa will forgive me. Maybe Rahul will take Rupa back. Then they could be happy. I feel a little joy, for the first time this week thinking about Rupa wrapping her hands around her soul mate.

For the first time in the week, I feel light, I feel happy. Tears keep rolling out of my eyes but these are not purely out of sadness. They are tears of happy determination. Everyone will be happy. No one will hate me anymore.

I find a razor blade from my dad’s shaving kit. I lock my bedroom door from the inside. This is it. This is the end.

I take the blade near the vein on my wrist. My mom will find me. She will be devastated. My father will be devastated too. Their only daughter died of suicide. Maybe they will investigate, and they will find they bullied me.