Chapter 5: Saturday Morning... Cartoons? (or: Sam Gets a Woman)

BANG! THuDthUDTHUD "Dammit! Open up you fuckos. I'm hungry. FOOD! Ed, the Tick is on in half an hour. Why the hell aren't you up yet? And why is your door locked? It's never locked! Dammit! Ed! Get up." POUNDPOUNDthud.

"And bring Sam's floppy disks!" Ah yes, Alan's Saturday morning ritual. Going to bed after Ed and I, getting up early to pound on our door, to herald the arrival of his favorite Saturday morning cartoon. As usual, I ignored him. Also as usual, Ed didn't, sleepily getting up off the floor, sloughing on a pair of pants and a T-shirt, and opening the door.

"Shhh," Ed whispered, "Sam got a woman, you dumbass. They're sleeping." "Whoa! Lemme see! Did he let you watch? Why didn't anybody tell me? I woulda, like, gotten food, or something."

Alan started to rush into the room, but Ed managed to narrowly avert disaster by shoving him back out into the hall. He shut and locked the door behind him.

As I was contemplating my need of a fresh pair of underwear, I heard very distinctly, from the other end of the hallway, through two dozen walls, the exclamations of Paul and Chris, two if the other people Alan watches cartoons with...

"WHO? GOT A WHAT? WHEN?" was Paul's reaction, the louder of the two. So loud, in fact, that I was extremely surprised that Amanda didn't wake up, too.

The shouting didn't stop, but I ceased paying attention and went back to sleep.

When I woke up the second time, I was pleasantly reminded of the fact that a girl had shared my bed, as I found that my cock was back in her mouth. She was looking up at me as she bobbed up and down on my throbbing erection (actually, it was really throbbing. In fact, it kinda hurt. Overuse or something... ). It was a tremendous turn-on. I came less than a minute later.

"It looked like it needed attention, so I thought I'd surprise you", she said, dreamily, "anyway, I'm starving. What're we, like, gonna do for food?"

"I'll see if I can't find something." I climbed out of bed. Amanda jumped down.

"What time is it, anyway?" "According to Ed's alarm clock, it's 12:22, which means it's actually about 2:45 or so." "Oh. Good. Now, where's my knapsack..." She found it laying at the top of a particularly large pile of ERD (Ed Related Debris) on Ed's desk. After a moment of digging about its contents, she came up with a suitable outfit for the day - in this case, a incredibly short, tight cutoff jeans, and an equally short red T-shirt, lifted by the slope of her chest to expose her slender midriff.

"Try not to ruin this one. I'm going to have a hard time explaining that, you know, skirt to Mom."

"What did you tell your parents, anyway? I'm not in trouble, am I?" "Geez, quit worrying... I, like, told Mom and Dad that I was going to a concert in Chicago with Melissa. Melissa really is at a concert this weekend, and I'm sure that, like, her parents wouldn't think it's weird if I went along."

"Oh, OK, I guess. Just one more thing... what do you use for birth control? Should I have..."

POUNDPOunDThuD "Open the fucking door, Sammy! I wanna meet your new babe!" It was Paul.

"Yeah. Me too. And I want your floppy disks, too" And Alan. "Sammy got a woman? Alllrright Sam!" That was Dick, my residence counselor, who must've just overheard the overloud topic of the day. I grimaced, considered the origin of the term "shit oneself", and quickly took a seat at my computer, just as I heard the click of Dickr's master key turning the lock of my door. I was dead for sure, if by nothing else than sheer embarrassment.

"Saaaaammmmyyy! Where ya' hidin' the mystery chick?" Dickr kicked open the door, with Alan and Paul right behind, throwing bits of torn tissue (toilet?) paper and the fringes of pages torn from spiral-bound notebooks.

"Fuck off, Dick, she left, like, half an hour ago. You guys suck. Get out. I wanna get dressed..."

"No way man, not until we have bestowed the gifts of manhood upon you." Paul handed me a cigarette. "The first gift, sponsored by Steve, your traditional post-coital smoke. Next," Paul handed me a box of Sheiks, "the armor of the man of the nineties, sponsored by _moi_, and finally," Paul smiled. Alan just kept throwing his confetti. "the centerpiece of our celebration..."

"What is this shit? The Three Kings of the fucking Orient bearing gifts from the far side of the hallway? Get the fuck out." I smiled. It was actually a rather impressive display of sarcasm.

"Nope. Better, Stud-Man, we got you an ENTIRE BOOK of sexual positions!"

"The New Joy of Sex", I read. Wow. "I found it sitting on top of my

roommate's TV", said Alan. "Tell you what Sammy... I know it's against dorm rules and everything, but I'm even gonna let you light that up if want."

"Eat a dick, Dick." "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, fine... I guess I'll just hafta get something better for ya... be right back." "So who was she? Do I know her? Will she let me do her, too?" Alan was still throwing that damned confetti...