Chapter 70

It’s beginning to look a lot like (silly) Christmas (jokes).

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: A wrapper!

Q: Elves use what kind of money?
A: Jingle bills!

Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast?
A: “Rain, dear.”

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
A: It doesn’t have legs.

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws.

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe.

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph.

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
A: Twerky.

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.

Q: What is the best work union in the world?
A: The rein deer union. A: Full pay, food, housing and only need to work one night a year.

Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: This will sleigh you.

Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized.

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.

A multinational company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of Champagne, but on inspection each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new Champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new Champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the Champagne.
The Russian drank the Champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the Champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the Champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the Champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman.
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted: “Now spit out all that you swallowed!”