Chapter 65

We will start off with a correction today. So, I received MANY (many-many-many-many-many) messages from folks to correct me that Bob Denver played Maynard G. Krebs in “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.” Dwayne Hickman played Dobie Gillis. For a show that was off the air before a lot of us were born, I will guess that it was (and maybe still is) popular in syndication.

I will often say that if anyone has a good joke or pun or tidbit to share, I welcome all submissions. So, here are some of the things I have received;

From alphqwe: I have a bumper sticker that reads “HONK IF YOU THINK I’M SEXY!” then I sit at a green light until I feel happy about myself!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman seated over there’ ... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.

Him:”Whats your body count?”
Her:”For what?”
Him:”Men you have slept with.”
Her:”Oh I thought you saw my basement.”
Him:” What?”
Her:”What?”

What? You don’t like my jokes
about ghosts having sex with owls?
Well Boo-Fucking-Hoo!!!

A man opened a bar near a church.
In response the Pastor lead the church members in prayer calling on God against the bar for being a den of sin.
A few days later the bar was hit by lightning, caught on fire and burned down.
The bars owner sued the Pastor and congregation of the church saying that their prayers caused the lightning that started the fire.
The Pastor and congregation denied any responsibility.
The Judge in the case stated that “This is the first time I’ve had a case where a ‘ ... owner of a den of sin.’ believed in the power of prayer and the Pastor and his congregation say they don’t.

Your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.

My wife and agreed to make a porn video. The fight started when I said I’ll hold auditions for her part.

From cbarge:
“How do you confuse an archaeologist?” she asked.
“How?”
“You give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from.”

From (anon):
Know why Donald Trump wears that orange stuff on his face?
To cover up the brown from Putin’s ass!

The following came in from Krista who says that she is allowed to say these because SHE is blond.
Q: What did the blond name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: Why do blonds write ‘TGIF’ on the bottom of their shoes?
A: To remind them that Toes Go In First.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
A: One will stop sucking when you slap it.

Q: When her laptop freezes up, what does a blond do?
A: Heat it in the microwave.

Q: Why was the blond staring at the frozen orange juice in the can?
A: Because it said ‘concentrate’.

Q: Why don’t blonds make/drink Kool-Aid?
A: Because 8 cups of water won’t fit in the packet.

And once again, to my amusement, this from alphqwe;
“You can recite all of Emily Dickinson’s poems to the tune of The Yellow Rose of Texas. Try it out.”