Chapter 1

“Here I sit, broken hearted, came to poop and only farted.”

Hello there! Taking a quick break at work? Okay. We will make this brief enough that the manager doesn’t wonder about you not slaving away at your work station. Since you will need it soon, how about we start with a little history and humor about “The Important Papers”?

The Paper Chase

Toilet paper, as we know it, is a somewhat modern invention. It was patented in the early 1880’s by an Englishman named Walter J. Alcock. At first, there was little demand for paper on a roll. Pharmacies stocked the item under the counter, as it was an affront to Victorian sensabilities. However, Mr. Alcock promted the product continuously, and by 1888, hardware stores hade ‘toilet paper fixtures’ (roll holders) in stock and available for purchase.

What did people use, prior to TP becoming of common use, you might wonder? There are records of wealthy Romans who would use sponges, wool and rosewater. The rest of the populace would use whatever was available. Dried grass or leaves, sticks, rags, hay, and the often joked about corncob.

Royalty in the Middle Ages was fond of goose feathers (still attached to the neck) for this delicate cleaning task.

Speaking of corncobs, the poet; James Whitcomb Riley decided to commemorate the experience with the following;

“The torture of the icy seat, could make a Spartan sob. For needs must scrape the gooseflesh, with a lacerating cob.”

According to privy folklore, corncobs were often two colors. Dark red with brown, and light yellow and white. Standard procedure what to use a red/brown cob first, then follow up with a yellow/white cob. Based on results, you might need an additional red/brown cob.

T.P. by mail.

Mail order catalogs came into use in the privy around the end of the 19th century. Prior to that, they had, at best, a dozen or so pages and were no competition for newspapers to ‘take care of things’. These were in favor because the pages were uncoated paper stock. However, concerned wives and mothers made it a point to remove any ‘undergarment’ or hygiene listings, to not help create ‘unwholesome’ ideas. But by the 1930s, most catalogs and magazines were using coated paper that made them slick and not really a good use option.

The following letters from Bob Sherwood’s 1929 book HOLD EVERYTHING shows how important the thick, semi-annual Sears Catalogs were to the rural home;

The Letter

Dear Sears & Roebuck;

Please find enclosed a $1.00 money order for which, please send me ten packages of your Peerless Toilet Paper.

Respectfully, Abner Bewley, Sr.

The Reply

Mister Bewley:

We acknowledge receipt of your $1.00 money order for ten packages of Peerless Toilet Paper. We assume that you have taken this price from one of our old catalogs. On account of recent cost increases, the price is now $1.50 for ten rolls of paper. On receipt of the additional fifty cents, we will forward your order at once.

Respectfully, Sears & Roebuck.

The Backfire

Sir:

I am in receipt of your reply to my letter ordering ten rolls of Peerless Toilet Paper. If I had one of your old catalogs, I would not have needed any toilet paper. Please return my $1.00 and send one of your catalogs.

Sincerely, Abner Bewley, Sr.

PS: After thinking the matter over, please send two catalogs. I have a large family.

Don’t forget to wash your hands.