Chapter 51

Andrew was swimming at Warrender, the morning after his talk with Leslie. It was always his best time to think as he endlessly swam back and forth at the pool. He had learned how to be a friend and be a consistent friend at that. But did he now need to practice being a boyfriend to get laid? This was where Andrew was still confused. Could he have sex regularly and not be someone’s boyfriend? That seemed very much under the category of ‘lazy bastard make an effort’. He continued swimming as he mulled this over. He was determined not to mislead anyone. Too much candour too soon was not going to work either though. Overthinking something was not always the best solution. As Andrew hurried to school he was no clearer in his thinking and, if anything, more confused. As he got to the class he smiled. As generations of nerds through the ages could testify, getting laid as a teenager was not easy. He sat down next to Suzanne as their form teacher took attendance and then they were off to Assembly.

“You seem in a good mood this morning. What’s caused that?”

“A knotty dilemma. One that generations of young men have struggled with. Trying to understand young women.”

Andrew responded with a big smile.

“I was thinking about it while I was swimming this morning and didn’t have an answer. I was smiling because I realised I was no different than the generations that came before me.”

“Well as a young woman I can tell you that it is no better from the other side. We have one advantage though, we know what you want.”

She pronounced the last with relish.

“Suzanne Jenner, you know as well as I do that young men are more obvious in expressing what they want but they are not different than young women.”

He raised an eyebrow as she blushed beet red.

“Andrew! I would try and act all offended but as I walking along beside you looking like a tomato that is pretty difficult. You may have a point.”

She smiled at him. Andrew laughed.

“This from the girl that has her friend trying to find out the status of a couple of hot boys for her.”

Unsurprisingly this got Andrew the expected whack.

“If you have a few minutes after the library closes I would like your perspective. I am trying to figure some things.”

“Sure. Based on this morning’s chat I am a little afraid of what we are going to talk about but sure we can grab a cup of tea at 5.00.”

Andrew thought about Leslie’s admonition to make more of an effort so he tried that Monday to see if there was any difference. Other than a few suspicious looks and a couple of comments about being very cheery that day it did not appear to make much of a difference in the way he talked to people or got on with them. Moira came to the library and sat down hurriedly beside him. He was pretty sure that she still struggled with the whole 17 year old being helped by the 15 year old dynamic, and they did not talk or even acknowledge each other outside the library. Andrew didn’t need the questions and drama and didn’t care.

“Andrew, I have something I need to ask you, in a ‘here is an offer you cannot refuse’ sort of way.”

She looked nervous.

“You want to ask me something and I can’t say no?”

Andrew clarified. She bowed her head.

“It is Daddy. He wants to meet you. He is used to getting his own way. I really don’t think it occurred to him that someone might say no.”

Every fire engine in Edinburgh set off for Heriot’s the alarm bells were ringing so loud.

“The parents of young women tend to look upon the young men that their daughters hang out with intense suspicion. As in guilty before they even say hello suspicion. And I know this from direct personal experience over the last two years. Why would I want to meet your father? Just the way you described him pretty well ensures that I will say no.”

Andrew could feel his blood pressure starting to rise.

“I know Andrew, I know. I even told him some of that but he insists. He wants to meet the person who has made me less crazy. His words.”

She hung her head again. Something was not right about this.

“Moira, what the hell does that mean? Less crazy. You are a clever argumentative young woman who happens to struggle to understand maths. How does that make you crazy?”

Andrew could see that he was going to get no studying done this lunchtime. There was silence for a long time then he saw a tear trickle down her cheek. Oh shit, this was going from bad to worse.

“Andrew, you never ask about my home life. It is one of things I really appreciate about you. My home life is a struggle. There is only Daddy and I. My Mum died 10 years ago from a heart attack. It has just been Daddy and I since then. Oh, and the housekeeper that ensures we are clean and fed as well. My Dad is a Court of Session judge. He is Lord Barnes.”

This was just getting better and better.

“I have always wanted to be like Daddy. That is why I am going to be a lawyer. I want to follow in his footsteps. I don’t know if he pushed the idea on me or I came to want it but I do know that he wants me to be a lawyer. When I started to struggle at maths last year he was not very supportive. He is of the ‘try harder’ school. When I got the 5 ‘A’s in all my other subjects but bombed maths he was angry. We had a horrid summer fighting all the time. That is why he moved me here. He blamed St. Margaret’s for my failing. They have some of the blame but most of it is me. I just don’t get maths. Daddy and I fought, I cried, called him all sorts of names. It was terrible. But then you started to spend the time tutoring me and I could see progress. You know how I get down on myself. That started to ease up a bit as well. Life at home went from all out warfare to sullen silence to frosty interactions. This weekend for the first time in more than six months we sat and talked without fighting, we actually listened to each other. I am sorry, but I told him about you. I probably made you sound like some combination of Isaac Newton and Mother Teresa. He wants to meet you and see for himself.”

All of this had come out as a rushed low mumble and Moira had barely looked up from the table. Where the hell to start with that lot?

“Thank you for telling me about your home life. It must have been tough growing up without your mum. I can see how your dad would want to meet me. The problem is I do not do well being told what to do or think by adults for no reason other than they are adults and I am a child. It gets my temper up. I have walked away from the mother of one person I tutored last year. If he wants to interrogate me and question my motives and what I have done then it is not worth meeting him. I am going to be blunt. I don’t need to be accused, again, of only helping someone so that I can have sex with them. You need to have that conversation with your dad. I am sure he is not used to having people lay down rules. You need to talk to him of the consequences of the meeting going badly. The meeting with the mother last year, well she phoned Suzanne’s mother and I tutored neither of them for the whole second term. It was only when their results slipped that they gave in and let them study with me again. If I end up in a fight with your father and he forbids you from studying with me, what are you going to do? That is the stakes that you are playing with. You have to decide what is important. Your future and happiness or his curiosity. That sounds pompous but it is true. I will stand up and walk away if I am treated as being guilty of something as soon as we meet. I have too much self-respect to listen to that.”

Andrew’s voice had started to rise and he closed his eyes for a second and took a couple of deep breaths. Amazingly Moira was smiling.

“Bloody hell Andrew. Here I was worried about how you would deal with Daddy when he met you, and you come right back at me and tell me you will only meet him on your terms. Terms which mainly are concerned about me rather than you. Have you ever kissed anyone’s arse? I have no idea how he is going to react to all this but I will faithfully repeat it to him. One thing though. I will not give you up as my tutor. I have hope in maths for the first time in my life. I don’t know why but I am giddy to talk to him tonight. I think he will really like you but I don’t need for our relationship to sour again since it has only just managed to get back to barely civil.”

She smiled and was off telling Andrew he would see her at 3.00 as usual. He managed to get through the rest of the day, including the study session, but he was distracted by the whole situation. Suzanne picked up on it as they walked round to the café.

“Thinking about young ladies again, are we?” she smirked.

He laughed.

“It is not always about you, you know.”

It broke the mood and they laughed as they headed into the café around the corner from the school.

“So, what has got that big old brain so confused that you have asked for help?”

Andrew could tell that she was enjoying this.

“I remember you and Paula always being so pleased when I did something badly. You said it made me seem human. Somethings never change. I am still useless at dealing with women. I mean as women as opposed to friends. The main thing is I shy away from trying to date because I am selfish. I study hard all week, I spend time with my friend Julian working on computer stuff during the day on a Saturday and I still volunteer on a Sunday afternoon and have dinner with Leslie and her parents afterwards. I don’t want any of that to change. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think about women all the time. I want to be honest with the person. It is Friday and Saturday nights at best. Oh, and half my friends are women including you who I spend time with every day and Leslie who I tell everything to. Everything.

“So, I am confused as to how to act. I can ask someone, although it will be nerve-racking, and I know what I want to do with them, classic dinner and a movie just like you and I and Paula did, or you and I did. It is the next week, how am I supposed to act. I am sure I am overthinking this so here I am.”

Andrew rushed to the finish and stopped talking to see what Suzanne’s reaction is.

“Andrew, for someone who is normally so good about thinking of other people you are missing the key part of it. It is no different for us as it is for you. I am attracted to those boys in 6^th year. You know that. You don’t think I have wondered what will happen if I go out with either of them. You know what I mean.”

They both nodded and avoided actually mentioning sex.

“Going on a date with a guy your age is much less threatening. Less opportunities for things to progress further than you are ready for. The other side of course is, that if you do want things to progress then older guys are probably better.”

She stopped and then looking down, quietly said.

“Then you can be stuck in the middle. Wanting more but afraid of it at the same time. That is why I blushed so red this morning. I think about sex all the time but am scared of it at the same time. The stories the older girls tell at hockey are not very encouraging.”

She was bright red by the time she had finished. Andrew reached out and briefly squeezed her hand.

“Leslie told me all these months ago that she did a survey of her friends at the end of high school and they all did the friends of friend’s thing and she reckoned only a third of her class and other 18 year olds had actually had sex. She reckoned that a quarter had done nothing at all and the rest were in between. We are not even 16 yet so there is no rush. At the same time there are days when it is all I can think of. It is all your fault most of the time.”

Suzanne looked at him.

“My fault?”

“You look stunning. You know it. It has been as much of a curse as a blessing to you. I would not be human to not find you attractive. I know that we have moved passed that stage of our relationship so it very odd. I admire you but you are my friend. You have become like Leslie. Leslie and I went to London to see Pink Floyd in the summer. We took the sleeper there and back and it never occurred to anyone that anything would happen. Her dad met us at Kings Cross when we arrived. I know she is attractive just like you are but nothing will come of it. Bloody friendships.”

He said the last with a smile.

“I do sometimes wonder about you. You try so hard to keep your eyes from straying. You are the only person. It is very hard to go through life being judged as a pair of tits with the person attached a distant second. Do you realise you are my best friend? Who the hell else can I talk to about my boobs and my sex life?”

She shook her head.

“I don’t want to make this weird Andrew, but do you ever wonder if we should try and date?”

“Only every time you smile at me.”

She laughed at his honesty as he carried on.

“You know me as well as anybody at school. I like having you as a part of my life. Part of growing up, getting through the teenage years is making mistakes and learning from them. I don’t want to risk that with you. One of my huge weaknesses is reading signs. I am stuck between being passive and letting someone else, the woman, take the lead and trying to be more, I don’t know what the right word is, active maybe. It is not aggressive or forceful but active doesn’t seem right somehow. Anyway, let’s personalise this. We kissed a couple of times at the end of nights out. I don’t even know if they can be called dates. Those kisses were pretty intense and I pulled you to me. I have no idea if I had moved my hands down and grabbed your bum as we made out would have been appreciated and wanted or freaked you out and you would have pushed me away. Ergo, I did nothing. I am not trying to embarrass you with this example. All I can think of is you pushing me away on the Saturday night and sitting talking to someone else on Monday morning when I get to school. So yes, I think about you and me dating but unless we can magically always know what the other person is thinking then I would worry about our friendship. I will say this though. I do know the differences in degrees of friendship now. If I knew then what I know now I would have tried to date you last year. Properly as opposed to the bizarre three way thing that you, Paula and I had.”

“I see what you are saying. So Leslie and I are in the look but don’t touch zone and everyone else is fair game?”

That sparkling smile was back.

“You are killing me here. How am I meant to answer that question? Come on let’s get home. Thank you for listening to me and helping me work through this. I am no further forward but it is always fun talking to you.”

“Me too Andrew. It is always good to try and understand all this stuff. I think that we are both afraid to make mistakes. Some people just dive in and see what happens.”

The next day Andrew was almost afraid to go to the library at lunch. Sure enough in bounded Moira looking inordinately happy with herself. This wasn’t going to be good.

“Cheer up. Daddy is not that bad.” She joked.

“Easy for you to say.”

Andrew responded, warily.

“Okay I can see you are pretty tense about all this. I spoke to Dad last night and basically recounted your speech to him. His first reaction was to ask if you were going to study to be a lawyer. Fuck sake Andrew, relax will you. He understood. He wants what is best for me. The way you described having to deal with adults and other parents made him think. He would like to meet you one evening after work, after we finish up here. He suggested the lounge of one of the downtown hotels. Neutral ground he called it. He would like to talk to you and listen to you. He sees the difference in me and wants to thank you.”

Moira looked far too pleased. Andrew looked at her for several seconds and the smile started to fade.

“Andrew, please say something. This is important to me.”

Ah, there we go. Daddy’s little girl was back and wanted to make Daddy happy. Hmmm.

“I will think about it. I am not convinced that it is necessary or a good idea. I’ll let you know.”

He needed to think about this. Moira looked deflated.

“Why are you being like this Andrew? He just wants to meet you and say thank you. What do I tell him tonight? You’ll get back to him?”

She was starting to get worked up.

“Moira, your dad is the one of the senior members of the Court of Session. He is not a stupid man. I am very wary of having anything to do with him. I am an argumentative 15 year old who doesn’t know when to shut up. As for telling him tonight. Tell him this. I have a great deal of respect and a healthy dose of circumspection when it comes to him. I am concerned about meeting him. You can be honest with him. He must be used to people being wary of him. I am just younger than most.”

He sounded tired even to himself.

“Can’t you see that this is important to me Andrew? Please do this for me? How hard is it for someone to accept thanks?”

There was the caustic Moira he knew so well.

“Moira, enough. You are close to crossing the line. I told you I would think about it and I will. If you keep pushing the answer is going to be no!”

For a moment she looked like she was going to carry on but she controlled herself. She left looking mulish. Unsurprisingly she did not come to the library after school. Suzanne was immediately on the case.

“Where is Moira?”

“Don’t know”

“Has something happened Andrew? I can tell when you are stewing about something.”

She was not letting this go.

“Never mind Suzanne. I can get my history essay finished instead.”

“You are going to tell me in the end Andrew. Enough with the mystery. What happened?”

Bloody inquisitive women!

So Andrew recounted the last two lunchtime meetings, omitting anything to do with her mother just focusing on the senior judge bit. Having lived through the bowling alley incident she was sympathetic.

“I can see your concerns. But you can’t hide from parents. You have to accept that most people who know you are at some point going to want you to meet them. My parents want to meet you. They both see the impact you have had on my life, how you have made me more confident. Just like Moira’s parents they want to get to know you and thank you. I have never bothered mentioning it because I know how you will react. This is probably the thing that you react worst to. Since the problem with Lyle you are borderline dismissive of teachers. Other than Leslie’s parents you have nothing to do with any other adults. Well parents anyway. You have more adult friends than anyone I know.”

Andrew was completely taken aback. Was he really this bad? In a lot of ways. Wow, Suzanne’s parents wanted to meet him as well. He really must be pretty aggressive about this stuff if Suzanne had not even bothered mentioning it.

“Okay, you have very effectively made me stop and think. Let me work on my essay and we can talk once the library closes, okay?”

He should have gone for a swim to think because the essay he wrote was garbage and he threw it out and started again that night. They stood outside in the cold dark Edinburgh evening.