Chapter 2

They had an evening meal in the inn. Lucy paid for it as she had the most money.

“Where did you get all that money from?” Polly asked.

“Dead people. Well, dead NPC’s.” Lucy replied, putting her purse away.

Kevin took a sip of his ale. “Were you the cause of their deceasment?”

“Most certainly.” Lucy replied with a curt nod of her head.

“You are certainly getting into character Luce.”

“When in Rome ... So, you guys been up to anything?”

“Just getting lost. Mostly. We spent a whole day in a forest walking around in a literal circle ... which was fun. And yes, I’m being sarcastic.”

“Kevin is seeing a man who knows a man about a job tomorrow morning.” Toby supplied.

“Oh,” Enquired Lucy. “What’s the job?”

“Taking someone to someplace.”

“Oh god, not an escort mission! Seriously? You know how shit they are!”

“You don’t have to come Luce.”

“It’s an escort mission, you’ll need every blade. What happens if we fail it, and we probably will? These things always go to shit. You tell the idiot to stay put and they always, ALWAYS ignore you and run to where the fighting is thickest. What with their lack of weapons, armour and self-preservation...”

“Well, Lucy, we have the option of getting you to simply knock them out cold, or we just tie them up. Things we normally can’t do in games. It will be a piece of cake.”

“Famous last words, along with ’hold my beer... ’ and ‘What can possibly go wrong... ”

“Ye of little faith.”

“I’m a barbarian. I don’t have enough brains for faith. I used all my points on muscle. And apparently, a massive cock.”

“And there we go, lowering the tone...” Toby muttered.

“Says the chap who spent all his points on his breasts...” Lucy pointed out.

“That was below the belt.”

“Another point spent and they would be...”

“Haha...” Toby muttered sarcastically under his breath.

They had a few pints, but no more as they really hadn’t the coin to spare. They retreated back to their rooms. They had two, the boys in one and Polly in the other. Polly led Lucy into her room. The room was dimly lit by a small lantern.

Lucy was aware that she was being stared at. “What?” she asked of Polly.

“It’s just...” Polly waved a hand at Lucy. “I still can’t get over it, you know.”

“Haven’t you, you know, played with yourself? That sounds totally wrong now that it’s out of my mouth.”

“No! Well, yes. I needed to pee, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“But, it’s so fucked up! I mean, I’m like, a bloke, and yet when I see a fit bloke. I’m like ‘I so would... ’ So, does that make me gay or what?”

“Err. I don’t think we have enough wine with us for that conversation.”

“We don’t have any wine full stop.”

“That was a really bad fuck up, what were you all thinking...”

They shared a nervous laugh.

“So, how’s it been, with the other two Polly?”

“Ugh! A nightmare. Kevin’s all like, ‘I need paper! I need a pen!’ And wants to rationalise everything. Toby’s like, permanently on the worst case of premenstrual tension you could possibly have and not be committed. Not helped by that ‘rape me now’ outfit of his.”

“He’s like a walking Victoria’s Secret does fantasy female clothing model.”

“I know! How he doesn’t freeze to death...”

“Can he not buy something a little less, I don’t know, rapey?”

“He tried some ill-fitting trousers and leather jacket thingy. But He just erupted out in an all over rash that had him scratching all over like he was being attacked by really pissed off ants or something. So we tried him in a simple dress. But like I said earlier, it seems like he is like a corrupted save or something, and he glitches if he wears anything other than his characters clothes. How about you? Have you tried something other than that strippers posing pouch?”

“Actually, no. First, I haven’t seen anything even remotely my size and secondly, I kinda like it...”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. It was a bit fucked up at the start, but I’m rolling with it now.”

“You really used it, with, like women? Sorry. I’m struggling to get my head round this whole being the other sex situation.”

“Yeah. Not tried having a wank yet, but the sex is ... different. You should try it!”

“Fuck no!” Gasped Polly in horror.

Lucy shrugged.

Polly was still staring at Lucy’s body.

Lucy felt mischievous. “Do you want to see it?”

“Is there a way of saying ‘yes’ without it sounding so wrong on every level?”

Lucy walked over to the window and drew the sackcloth curtains closed. Undoing the buckle, Lucy let the pouch fall to the ground.

“Holy fuck Luce!!! You really weren’t joking when you said it was big. Don’t tell me that’s limp?”

“That’s as small as it gets.” Lucy confirmed, feeling weirdly smug.

“Fuck me!”

“Not in that body. Unless you don’t want to be able to sit down for a year.”

Polly snorted. “Twat.”

“You want to touch it, don’t you? Go on...”

“This is so fucked up...” Polly still reached a hand out. “How is that even possible?”

“It’s a game. I doubt biological limitations are even a thing here. What about yours? I’ve shown you mine, show me yours.”

Polly let go of Lucy and undid her trousers. Upon seeing Polly’s ‘manhood’, Lucy burst into laughter.

“Sorry. I know you said it was small, but seriously? It’s like the cock of an eighty year old man.”

“How do you know what the cock of a eighty year old man looks like?”

“When I was, like, twelve, my eighty year old neighbour kept flashing his at me. Fuck knows why as he was the most un-sexy old man that you could get. Seriously, what the hell goes on in the minds of old men who flash? Do they think we will somehow be overawed by their pasty white wrinkly skin and tiny cocks and will drop our pants and become their sex slaves?”

“Eugh ... Did you report him Polly?”

“I was twelve. I didn’t know it was illegal at the time.”

“What happened, did he keep doing it?”

“Only a couple of times. Shortly after he started doing it, he stumbled on the way to get his daily paper and pipe tobacco and fell onto the road in front of a number thirty four bus, I think it was.”

“Dodged a bullet there then.”

“Not really. After he was cremated, the family that moved in had a fifteen year old boy who was an even bigger perv. Kept nicking all my underwear off the line. Mum had to start drying all my clothes inside.”

“Could really do with that wine bottle.”

“Amen. So, tell me really, how are the boys getting on with being women.?”

“Badly. Like seriously badly Luce. Every man that looks their way is going to rape them.”

“They’re not wrong there.”

“Well, yeah.”

“So they haven’t tried it then?”

“Not that I know of Luce. They hardly leave my side. Like, what am I going to do about it if some man tries to have their way with them?”

“Watch?” Polly said with a smirk.

“Do you think that Klein chap was telling the truth?”

“Don’t know. Toby seems to believe him.”

“Like when do we ever believe Toby?”

“Fair point.”

“Do you think the Devs are watching us, somehow?”

“Fuck, I hope not.”

“What have you been up to Luce?”

“This and that...” Lucy replied cagily and then lapsed into silence.

“I really miss my phone.” Polly stated out of the blue.

“I really miss chocolate.”

“That too.”

“And TOWIE.”

“Hmm, that, not so much.”

Lucy paid for breakfast the next morning and they impatiently waited in the tap room for Kevin to return. When he did so, his face was wary.

“I know, I know, before you start. But we need the money. Like really need the money.”

“Just skip to the bit we don’t want to hear Kev.” Toby grumbled.

“We are escorting a historian to an old castle. So traps galore in corridors, no doubt.”

“Yay.” Polly said somewhat sarcastically

“You should be excited Polly. You are a rogue after all. That’s right up your dark alley.”

“My dark alley wants to be in bed watching Homes under the hammer.”

“It’ll be fun! An adventure. It involves a forest Toby, so you might get see more pointy eared scantily clad lingerie models. And you can play with your bow.”

“Let’s be honest Tobs, your bow is going to be the only thing you’re going to want to pull here.”

“Fuck off Luce.” Lucy and Polly enjoyed a good laugh at Toby’s expense.

“When and where is the meetup?” Polly enquired.

“Dawn tomorrow at the western gate.” Kevin supplied.

“Do you think there is a skip time function?”

“It’s normally called sleeping, Toby.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Feel free to call up your radial dial and choose ’skip time’ Toby.”

Toby screwed up his face in concentration as his vision unfocussed.

“Are you really trying to call up a hot bar?”

“Shh, I ‘m concentrating.”

A carriage and five men were awaiting them at down at the western Gate. The door opened and a man in his seventies poked his head out.

“Can we get going please. We are late.”

Lucy looked at the other three.

“Can I kill him now and save us all the hassle later on?”

They rode slowly towards the summit, the central spire of a distant castle the first thing they saw. As they came closer, more and more of the tower was revealed, smaller spires surrounding the larger central one becoming visible. Reining their horses to a halt, they looked down at a sea of low lying mist.

“Is that mist or fog? I can never remember the difference.” Polly asked

“They are the same thing.” Toby answered.

“No, they are not.” Kevin stated.

Every now and then, a single solitary tree crown could be seen poking it’s head above the gently undulating white diaphanous sea.

“Did anyone see that film ‘The Mist’?” Lucy asked.

“Urgh, yes.”

“Which one, the Carpenter one with the hooks? Or the one with the spiders?”

“The Carpenter one was ‘The Fog’.”

“Oh, was it?”

They made their way down the slope.

“That shit ripples in a weird way.”

“That’s not fog, mist, whatever. It looks, it looks like, webs?”

“Oh fuck no. Nope, nope, nope.” Lucy reined her horse in. “The fuck am I going in there.”

Laspen the lead guardsman turned in his saddle to look at his men, raising an eyebrow. The biggest and meanest looking of the mercenaries his boss had employed, was scared of tiny spiders. Vestil, his second in command met his gaze and shrugged.

“It’ll be fine Luce.”

“Nope. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going anywhere near that hell-hole.”

The party continued to approach the forest as Lucy watched from a growing distance. There was a chattering and two spiders the size of small cars appeared from within the webs, and ran forward from the edge of the forest, stopping abut twenty meters out, waving their front two legs menacingly.

Polly reined in her skittish horse. “Fuck! No. I’m with Lucy on this. This is a massive bag of ‘nope’.”

The two spiders in front were lunging aggressively forward on their spindly legs.

“I got this.” Kevin said as he slipped from his new horse.

“Kev...” Cautioned Toby

“It’s good. It’s all good.” He stopped four paces in front of his horse and dramatically raised his hands.

“Kev...”

“Seriously Toby. I’ve got this...” There was a moment of dramatic silence and then twin flames burst from Kevin’s hands to lance into the spiders, who screamed horribly and turned to run back into the cover of the forest as their bodies crackled in flame.

“See!” Kevin triumphantly turned his back to the forest. “All good.” He said happily to Toby and the five guardsmen standing in front of the carriage. The two spiders headed into the web covered forest and the flames quickly spread from their bodies to the webs. The web burned exceedingly well and the flames rushed outwards in the beginning of a massive conflagration.

Kevin looked at the stunned, fearful even, gazes of the others.

“Oh shit. There’s another one, and its right behind me. Isn’t there? Toby shoot it with your bow! Or at least fucking shoot me! I don’t want to be cocooned and dissolved from the inside out.” Kevin slowly turned around and looked at the quickly growing firestorm. “Oh...”

Lucy prodded their small fire with a stick. They’d had to retreat a fair distance back up the slope as the heat coming off the forest fire was intense.

“How long do you think it’s going to burn for Kev?”

“Fuck knows. I’m not a pyromaniac.”

“Evidence is saying otherwise. What’s the current tally of your magical abilities? One horse and one entire forest?”

“Teething trouble...”

“I think we, certainly you Kev. Have just become mortal enemies with the arachnid faction. I hope they didn’t have any good missions with decent loot.”

“Yeah. Toby, I think you have just lost out on a full set of spider silk lingerie to go with your other day wear lingerie.”

The five guards were sitting a distance away, also watching the flames. Their employer was sitting atop his carriage, writing something in a book.

Every now and then, in the distance, an eight legged ball of flame would rise into the air, raised by the updraft of heat, eight legs writhing in agony.

“Do you think this is what Dresden would have looked like, back in the day?”

“With houses instead of trees and a lot less spiders the size of horses, yeah I suppose so.”

“If the Devs are watching us. I hope for your sake Kev, that none of them are in Greenpeace.”

“I think it’s safe to assume that you are off Greta Thunberg’s Christmas card list as well.”

“Look! How the fuck was I supposed to know the fuckers were flammable!”

“Do you think the castle is still standing?”

“If it’s made of stone, it should be. Though everything inside is going to be toast. It’s like a furnace up here, god knows what it’s like down there.”

“Do you think there is a Steam achievement for this. You know something like ‘Burn baby burn’ or ‘spider fricassee.’?”

Lucy stood and stretched. “I think one of use should stand guard with the hired help. No clue as to what that light show is going to bring.”

“Do you think there are fire elementals in this level? It’s just that we are rather short of water and all Kevin seems to be able to do is burn things.”

“I can...” Kevin started.

“NO!” said the other three in unison.

“If we do an hour each, then wake the next person. Kevin can make a list or something.”

“Yeah that sounds good.”

The next morning was cold and smoke lingered in the air, no longer carried away by the heat of the fire. Their employer was keen to get going and urged them all onwards.

“Who wants to go first” Asked Kevin.

“Given your propensity for setting things in front of you on fire, I think you answered your own question. We’ll be behind you. Where it’s safe. Or at least, where the illusion is that it’s safe.”

Grumbling Kevin spurred his mount down into the light smoke and drifting ash. The horses hooves struck muffled cracks in the ash. Kevin peered into the smoke. Charred sticks, still glowing, were all that remained of once mighty trees. None of the sticks were over six feet tall. The path in front was suspiciously straight and free of the remains of trees. Kevin peered down at his horses hooves. The ash below, unlike the surroundings, was perfectly even.

“Hey guys! I think we are going down what used to be a paved road.”

The carriage clattered down the hillside and joined the stirred ash of the horses in front. The bouncing carriage became suspiciously steady and the wheels became quiet, lending a lot of credence to Kevin’s observation. Polly tied a handkerchief behind her head, so that it covered her nose and mouth. The others quickly followed suit with cloaks or whatever they had to hand. In Lucy’s case, a pair of women’s knickers.

“Luce I’m not even going to ask about how you have them in your possession.”

“They were just in the top of my saddlebag! I don’t know how they got there!” Lucy decided not to mention the handwritten note inside stating a time and place.

Kevin slowed to stop as something lay in the ash in the road in front.

“I think it’s dead.” Said Toby coming up alongside. The spider was upside down on its back, all eight legs pointing upwards into the sky. Of its body, there wasn’t much left. Kevin and Toby split and rode to either side as did the rest. The carriage went straight over the top. The hooves of the horses pulling the carriage, ground the desiccated and charred corpse to dust.

“Can we pick up the pace please!” Shouted out their employer from his carriage window.

“Jesus. I’m going to kill the twat myself.”

The driver on the carriage roof cracked a whip and the carriage picked up speed, forcing everyone else to pick up speed as well, or be pushed aside by the carriage.

Toby shouted across to the others. “Does this count as a speed run?”

It was now obvious by the straight line and even surface, that they were indeed on a long abandoned and forgotten road. The vegetation and old fallen trees that had hidden its existence all burned to ash the previous night. There was still a lot of ash in the air, the visibility not great, but something was looming in front. The spires of the castle slowly materialised and Kevin slowed down, grabbing onto one of the carriage horses as they drew alongside, slowing it and the rest down as well.

The driver glared at Kevin and brandished his whip menacingly.

“Hit me with that and I’ll flay all the skin off your body and shove the whip up your arse.”

“Why are we slowing down?” Their employer poked his head out the side of his carriage yet again.

“Because I say so.” Kevin stated simply. “If you don’t like that, speak to my customer relations department, Lucy and her big axe.”

“Oh that just isn’t creepy at all...” Muttered Toby as the castle materialised out of the smoke revealing an outside curtain wall and a moat, that may, or may not have, contained water before the fire. If it had, it was now evaporated and was full of the desiccated and charred corpses of spiders.