Chapter 15: Turnabout

It all happened so fast. I ... I was correct in my assumptions. Infection of sentient lifeforms is currently impossible for my creatures who remain simple in their nature. But the means by which they devised their escape ... that was far from simple.

I’m in trouble, thought Ryan to himself.

It had been several hours since they woke up. They were just about to clear the Black Star systems and any other danger that may lie within. Then it would be a leisurely flight to the Gateway that would take them back to Tarrus. Once they were in the Gateway, there would be practically no fear of danger whatsoever. For all intents and purposes, Ryan had done it. He had gotten Éclair safely out of one of the most dangerous places in the universe, just as he had promised her godfather, and that was the problem. If there was anything that frightened Ryan more than Parasites, it might be the uncertainty of his future with Éclair now that certain aspects had come to light.

I really think she’s starting to fall for me. In fact, I’m almost certain of it. I thought I’d be happy at realizing that, and I am. But now that it’s come to this, I have too many things to consider.

Éclair busied herself at the controls, making various calculations and necessary adjustments. Ryan was still working at the simulator with very little success. Though he failed to get the knack for North’s control system, he wasn’t trying that hard. Ryan had other things occupying his thoughts.

Neither of them had hardly said a word to each other since waking up that morning. Though it was not the first time they had shared the same sleeping place together, Ryan could tell that something was different. Something had changed. Ryan and Éclair had reached the precipice. Only one question remained; should they go with it, or let the matter pass?

I love her, thought Ryan to himself sincerely. Truly and deeply. I love her now more than I ever have before. I was just a boy with a crush when I first came to the Ministry. But now that I’ve had the time to get to know her, really get to know her, she’s become the whole of my existence. I’ve never known anyone so kind and fierce. So compassionate and wise. She actually gives a shit. She pretends like she doesn’t, but her generous nature is obvious. She’s everything that I couldn’t be. Even though she has scars just like I do, she hasn’t let them change her. She’s not hell-bent on revenge. She’s pure. And knowing that scares me. How could someone like me ever deserve her?

How could he deserve her? He wanted to steal her from a man that had been good to her. A man that he respected even. And more than that, did he have any right to be her protector? There were still many issues left unresolved for him. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he was still haunted by the vision that Grafael had shown him. A vision of him attacking Éclair as she stared up at him with pain and horror in her eyes. Ryan had never really believed that such a thing could ever happen, this whole Berserker vision that Grafael kept going on about. But now that they were closer, now that they literally spent every moment they could together, he had to admit that it caused no end of worry for him. He fought so hard to protect her from the Parasites, but when he did so, he allowed a savage side of himself to take over that he had never known before. He actually tore them apart with his teeth and his fingers which had turned into claws, just like in the vision. Ryan had never considered that before. He hadn’t really had time to, but now that things were slowing down a bit, now that they were no longer required to combat life-threatening events every five minutes, he had more time to consider it.

His pact with Grafael didn’t make things easier either. They had promised to stop each other if either of them turned. Ryan would stop Grafael if he turned, and vice versa. Unfortunately, Grafael was not there to stop him if he lost control. Ryan had always admired Grafael and loved him like a brother. But now that he stood on the precipice of a possible romantic relationship with Éclair, he found himself longing for the big dino-man’s presence ... and dreading it as well. He knew what his Saurian companion would say to him. How could Ryan put his romantic whims over Éclair’s safety? They had more or less agreed to protect her at a distance. They wouldn’t leave the team, but they wouldn’t let themselves get overly close to her. If they turned, they couldn’t afford to. Nowhere in their arrangement was romance ever mentioned.

Grafael has literally dedicated his life to Éclair’s safety. Would he ever forgive me if he knew what I am about to do ... the danger it will mean for her? If I’m being honest, he’d smash my balls, and I couldn’t blame him. And that’s not even taking into account what Leon would do. He’d probably use his telepathy to hypnotize me into thinking I was a Pixie.

“We’re coming up on the border now. We’ll soon be within visual range of the Gateway,” said Éclair suddenly, distracting Ryan from his thoughts.

Ryan became so entranced by his contemplations that he jumped slightly at hearing her voice.

Éclair turned to him in concern. “Are you alright?”

“Sorry. I was ... thinking.”

Éclair chuckled. “Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, dear.”

Ryan perked up at Éclair’s quip. “Dear?”

Éclair paused, a slight look of panic stricken upon her pristine features. “‘Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, Ryan’. I meant to say Ryan.”

Ryan chuckled at her flustered expression. God, I love her so much. I love everything about her. The way she gets embarrassed sometimes. How prim and proper she is. How she’s a bit of a nerd, too. I even love how snippy and feisty she is sometimes. I could never begin to understand everything about her. She’s so contradictory at times. A timid little schoolgirl one minute, an Empress the next. I could spend my whole life watching her, and never even scratch the surface of who she is. I admit, my respect for Leon is eclipsed by my feelings for her. I’d take her the moment she even hinted that she’d be mine. Does that make me a bad person? Though, if she were with me, I doubt I’d even care if I was.

“Well, I suppose this is the end of our journey, then,” said Éclair, sounding both relieved and sad.

“Yeah. I guess it is.” As an awkward silence ensued, Ryan perked up to say something just as Éclair did the same, and they ended up talking at the same time.

“There’s something I need-” said the both of them simultaneously.

Realizing that he was talking over her, Ryan decided to take the gentleman’s route and give her first say. “You go first, please.”

Éclair smiled sweetly. “Why, Mr. Uruks. What lovely manners you have now.”

“Meeting a guy like your godfather tends to do that,” said Ryan, thinking to himself.

If I’m going to do this, I have to tell her the truth. The whole truth. I have to tell her the real reason I wanted to leave the team. I have to tell her about my Dragon instincts that have been acting up, and about Grafael’s vision. She once said that there were no secrets between us. It’s time I lived up to that.

“Indeed, it does,” agreed Éclair with a mild laugh. “I just wanted to say that ... well, I’ve had fun. Despite it all, I’ve had fun. You’ve made it fun.”

Ryan shrugged, and said sarcastically, “Yeah. Zombies and Giant Tape Worms. Beat that, Leon.”

“But it wasn’t all bad, was it?” asked Éclair, sounding genuine. “I mean, yes, it was awful, and I doubt I’ll ever get a good night’s rest again ... at least, without you.”

“Yeah, well,” said Ryan, sulking a little as he remembered his opposition. “I’m just a substitute, right?”

“Please don’t be rude when I’m trying to give you praise,” lectured Éclair disapprovingly.

Ryan was about to retort until he saw the look in her eyes. She was actually hurt by what he said, and it sent his heart teetering. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I really am.”

Éclair smiled gently, approval once again prevalent on her features. “You’re forgiven, of course.”

“And you’re right about the other thing, too. It wasn’t all bad. In fact, I’ll remember all of it. Every bit. Everything I’ve learned, everything we’ve survived ... together. I wouldn’t ... I wouldn’t trade my time with you for anything. Not anything at all.”

“That’s sweet of you to say,” said Éclair, looking down and rubbing her hands nervously. “I wanted ... well. I wanted to ask, once and for all. Will you ... will you stay ... stay on the team? Because I think I would ... I would prefer it if you stayed. I’ve ... um ... I’ve grown rather fond of you. And none of the others could understand what I’ve gone through here. I mean, not really. You wouldn’t leave me alone now, would you?”

“And you’re sure that would be best?” asked Ryan. “Because if I’m being honest, I doubt I can go on like none of this ever happened. I don’t think I...”

Ryan stopped himself from speaking further, forgetting what he had wanted to say in the first place. If he kept on like this, he would spout off his undying love for her and nary even mention how she might be in danger from him.

“R-Ryan,” stuttered Éclair, trembling slightly. “I don’t know how else to say this aside from begging. I ... I need you with me. And ... as for the ... the other thing. This has been a ... a traumatic experience. It’s understandable that certain feelings have been aroused ... within both of us.”

Ryan looked up, stunned. Éclair had never outright admitted that she might have had feelings for him before. She looked decidedly uncomfortable and more than a little emotional as her voice broke ever so slightly.

“But we shouldn’t act on these emotions when we’re not in our right frame of minds,” she added quickly. “Besides, I owe Leon more than you know. And I couldn’t very well break his heart, could I? Not even for you.”

Ryan said nothing, his soul soaring and descending all at once.

A tear traced down Éclair’s cheek as she forced back a sniffle. “But it would break my heart if you were ... if you were to leave now. I don’t think I could face them without you. I don’t think I could go on. My feelings for Leon will not change, but neither will my needing your friendship. So, I am asking something that’s rather unfair to you, something that’s selfish for me to ask. I know that. I am asking you to stay with me despite the fact ... despite the fact that I cannot give you what you want.”

Ryan remained silent, processing everything Éclair said with mixed feelings.

“Well, say something, please,” she demanded impatiently. “Be sad ... be angry with me, but please say something. I couldn’t stand silence from you. Not from you. I respect your counsel too much.”

It’s time for the truth. Ryan sighed deeply, rubbing his hands through his hair. “Do you remember when Grafael and I fought each other during the exam?”

Éclair became confounded. “Y-yes, I suppose. But I don’t see how that bears any relevance now.”

“Well, you see, it may not be best that I stay by your side. On top of everything else, on top of my ... my feelings for you, there’s something I require more than for you to like me back. That’s for you to be safe. You see, Grafael told me that-”

An alarm of some kind blazed through Ryan’s ears. It was not the same kind of alarm that had been set off by the Parasite Horde. This noise seemed less persistent, not necessarily signaling danger, but urgent all the same. Éclair immediately turned to the controls, her fingers moving furiously as she tried to ascertain the source of the alarm.

“North is picking up a distress signal,” she explained with an astonished gasp as she brought a trembling hand to her lips. “My God, Ryan. It’s coming from Black Star Prime, the center of the infected systems.”

Ryan growled. “Then that’s probably a good reason to ignore it. I’ve a feeling that most of the Parasites are concentrated there. We barely survived a small colony. How do you think we’ll do against the whole swarm?”

“Ryan, we can’t just abandon them,” protested Éclair, almost shocked by Ryan’s dismissal.

“Hell yeah, we can.”

“Ryan, what’s gotten into you? You’ve never been this heartless before.”

Ryan’s face contorted with anger as he tried to formulate his words correctly. “Yeah, I know I’m usually the hero type. Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to risk my life for strangers and uphold the Elemental creed and all that. But now...”