Chapter 12: Their Journey Home

I was forced to fire a few staff members that refused to stay quiet about their injuries. A gag order is being put on them when they get back to Tarrus. If they even try to leak what they know to the public, they will be quickly silenced by any means necessary.

As the days went by, things resumed a sort of normalcy between Éclair and Ryan, though the memory of their dance never truly left her mind. She decided it was best that they not sleep in the same room, and Ryan heartily agreed. However, sleeping without Ryan by her side proved ... difficult. She had grown so accustomed to his presence that she no longer felt comfortable sleeping by herself. She suffered more terrible nightmares during their sleeping cycles, and almost went to him for comfort several times, but forced herself to remain in her own quarters. She knew all too well what might happen if she went to him in the dead of night, what she might awaken in him ... what she might awaken in herself.

During the weeks that followed, Éclair had taken on a more professional attire, wearing a simple uniform for Fire Ministry Pilots, with close-knitted black fibers along the sleeves and pants, and well-adjusted leather armor of red and gold covering her torso. Ryan also wore a uniform, and finally started wearing a pair of black boots regularly with some encouragement. However, Éclair almost wished he had kept the suit as it was complementary to his figure, though less revealing. Ryan had donned a sleeveless gold and red armor piece that displayed his bulging biceps. Éclair had yet to figure out if he was just showing off his arms, or if he just assumed an outfit that he found most comfortable in case they ran into a fight. Either way, she had to concentrate to keep herself from staring at his big arms. Ryan hardly needed any more encouragement than to see Éclair succumbing to her own feelings of attraction towards him.

“Yes, I admit that I find him attractive,” Éclair would confess to North Star in the privacy of her chambers. “But I also know that attraction is not the same thing as love. Besides. I owe Leon more than to just abandon him because of a temporary infatuation with his roommate.”

It’s your heart. Your feelings. Those things don’t belong to Leon, said North Star into Éclair’s mind. As their trip progressed, North had started speaking with words more often, almost as if she were evolving from her proximity to Éclair and Ryan. It may hurt him, but you must be true to your own heart.

“I am true to my heart,” pronounced Éclair, doubling down. “And my heart chooses Leon. I can’t help it if Ryan is in love with me, but I can help myself.”

Love? thought Éclair in a burst of insight. I never thought about it much, but does Ryan really love me? He’s always had a crush on me. His affections were blatantly obvious from the start. But can he truly love me? Does he know enough about love to be sure? Do I, for that matter?

As Éclair thought back to Ryan’s actions, she told herself that he would have done the same for anyone, because that was just who Ryan was. For as long as Éclair had known him, he had always been someone who would jump into the fray; a man who would risk life and limb for anyone if he thought they were being treated unjustly. That was simply who Ryan was. He was a hero. He saved people. Éclair just happened to be one of those people that he saved. He may say he had a crush on her, even profess to love her, but why would Ryan have any more regard for her than anybody else he helped?

Now that Éclair thought of it, there were a lot of people that Ryan bonded with and protected. Even people that Éclair would never have thought possible. The Goblin Assassin, Silvia. Tork, after he confessed his part in the attack on Ryan’s village. Even Hannah Lioness, whom had all but pronounced her contempt for Ryan. Éclair had heard more of their conversation than she had let on, for it made her uncomfortable to admit that she had been watching a very private affair, even if it was under orders from Eramar. But even after Ryan said that she hated her for the way she treated him, he still came back and cared for her in her sickness, and they somehow found closure with one another. Ryan Uruks was a person who gave other people second chances.

I wonder if Ryan would give me a second chance if I let him down. Actually, now that I think of it, I already have let him down in many ways. I’ve been a rotten friend to him, and a grouchy companion. And yet, he has never stopped being kind to me. He has never stopped protecting me no matter how much it hurts him to do so.

As Éclair quibbled over the question of whether Ryan truly cared for her more than others he had saved, she found herself wanting to believe it to be true. She found herself playing that moment in her head over and over again when they thought they were going to die.

’Because, for me, there would be no universe without you.’

It was a painful memory, and part of Éclair wished she could forget it. The terror of having those monsters breathing down their necks. The anguish of seeing Ryan ripped apart as he fought tooth and nail to keep them at bay. But as long as Éclair lived, she would never forget the look in his bloodred eyes, or the conviction in his words as Ryan Uruks laid his heart bare, and all for her.

All these thoughts coalesced as Eclair watched Ryan one day while he busied himself at the controls. She had decided that he should learn how to pilot the North Star in case anything happened to her. He sat at a holographic console trying to get a grasp on the enormity that was North’s matrix. It was a good thing that North had taken a shine to Ryan, otherwise, the whole thing would have been pointless. The ship would not allow anyone to pilot her that she did not trust. However, it took more than trust to get a handle on the North Star. She possessed one of the most complicated and intricate mainframes out of any ship that ever existed. This, compounded by the fact that the vessel contained an artificial intelligence nearly as vast and sophisticated as the human brain, made the task of comprehending the telepathic controls all the more difficult.

Ryan started out with a holographic console that he could touch physically. Although Éclair was able to control the vessel mostly with her mind with little use of the console, that was a bit too advanced for Ryan at this point. At present, Ryan was running a simulation so as not to disrupt their flight path, and a good thing too, because Éclair could detect many mistakes being made. It did cheer her up somewhat in knowing that there were still some things that Ryan was not good at. It felt a little more like when she had first met him, and he was the clumsy, bright-eyed newbie without a care in the world.

Ryan took in a deep breath, grunting angrily, and raising his hands in frustration as if to smack the console that vexed him so. However, his hands passed right through the holographic controls that possessed no physicality. Éclair tried not to smile as Ryan continued his slight temper tantrum, huffing quietly to himself.

“Would you like some advice?” asked Éclair, trying to leave out any trace of mirth from her voice out of fear of hurting Ryan’s already bruised ego.

“No, I can do this. I can. I’ve beaten tougher things than North, “ answered Ryan.

His boasting drew a slight whistle of doubt from North Star.

Ryan busied himself at the controls again, pushing holographic buttons that responded to the heat from his fingertips. It didn’t take more than a couple of minutes before Éclair heard the beep of the test ending as Ryan crashed the simulated ship again. He growled in anger, and Éclair had to suppress a giggle as she found his half-contained fury quite adorable.

“Did you kill us again?” asked Éclair, unable to resist teasing.

Ryan gave a stiff nod, still staring ahead with furrowed eyebrows as he crossed his arms.

“What was it this time? Planet, sun, or asteroid field?”

“A black hole,” said Ryan flatly, clearly despondent at his lack of piloting skills.

“A black hole,” repeated Éclair, stifling a chuckle. “I’m sure it was understandable.”

“Of course it was understandable!” cried out Ryan, turning to Éclair in outrage. “I mean, seriously! What are the chances of running into a black hole out here in the middle of the space boondocks?”

Éclair shrugged. “North is programmed to make her simulations account for all variables. She just wants you to be prepared for any and all contingencies.”

“Yeah, well, I still think she’s just making it too hard for me on purpose,” grumbled Ryan, leaning in his chair with his fist on his cheek.

North Star responded by sending a quick shock of static electricity shooting through Ryan’s chair. He yelped in surprise, jerking in his chair slightly before standing up and kicking the floor, as if he meant to challenge the very vessel he traveled within to a duel.

“That’s it!” said Ryan, raising his fists in a boxing position. “You and me, North! Let’s go!”

Éclair, growing weary of Ryan’s antics, clasped her hands together in astonishment. “Your predilections for the dramatic never cease to amaze. Do you honestly intend to duel with the vessel that is currently keeping us alive?”

Ryan paused, considering his actions for the first time. Éclair heard a rhythmic beeping noise from the walls as if North Star were laughing.

Sighing odiously, Ryan slowly lowered himself back into his chair. “Alright. What sagacious wisdom do you have to offer me?”

Éclair nodded approvingly at Ryan’s word choice. “Big word, Ryan? More than two syllables. I’m impressed.”

“I can’t hang out with snooty folks like you without picking up a few things.”

Éclair nodded again as she stood to her feet to rummage around in a container near the corner. She returned a few moments later holding a pink glowing crystal, a Sun Gem of great size and power.

“When I was little, Zand would have me practice at the simulations while communing with a Sun Gem. It helped me better link with North Star’s telepathic waves. The whole ship is basically one big Sun Gem, storing vast amounts of psionic energy. I hadn’t awakened my powers yet, so even non-Elementals can do it, which should make things even simpler for you. Holding a Sun Gem in your hand while working the controls will help you better link with the ship.”

Éclair handed the sparkling gem to Ryan, who inspected it curiously. “Won’t it make it harder, working the controls with only one hand?”

“I would think that you of all people,” started Éclair, leaning in closer to Ryan and whispering coquettishly. “Would consider it a challenge.”

Ryan puffed his chest out pridefully as he busied himself at the controls with his right hand and held the gem with the left. Though Éclair suspected that Ryan would rise to her bait, it still encouraged her to see his competitive nature had remained intact despite their many hardships.

As Ryan worked the controls, Éclair was surprised when he felt relaxed enough to start a conversation. “I wish I could learn how to pilot this puppy like I did the Mecha-Titan.”

“It would be convenient,” Éclair commented. “But, as neither of us possess telepathy, it would be most problematic without the help of someone like Leon.”

Éclair noticed Ryan wince slightly at the mention of Leon’s name. The look on his face was almost akin to shame. For some reason, it sent waves of guilt coursing through her as well, and not just by Ryan’s reaction. Just thinking of Leon made her feel ashamed of herself.

Why should Ryan feel guilty at the mentioning of Leon? Éclair thought to herself. Why should I for that matter? It’s not like we’ve done anything to be ashamed of, right?

An awkward silence protracted longer than it should have as Ryan cleared his throat uncomfortably. “He is a talented guy, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is,” agreed Éclair, her thoughts turning to people and places far from where they were. Thinking back, the people of their previous lives almost seemed dreamlike compared to the harsh realities they had faced together on Black Star. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. I sometimes wonder if he has taken us for dead by now.”

“If I know that emo jerk,” started Ryan, drawing a slight glare of rebuke from Éclair that gave him pause. “Sorry. If I know that charming young man who is your boyfriend and my friend ... kind of ... then I know that he would never rest until he knew you were safe. He’s probably out there right now, scouring the universe for us even as we speak.”

Éclair drew comfort from both Ryan’s words and the fact that he was willing to say them. She had always wished that Ryan would get along with Leon as well as he did with Grafael. For some reason, it was important to her that her boys be friendly with each other. Much the same way that a mother wished her sons to be kind to one another and play happily together.

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” admitted Éclair, looking out through the porthole at her left side to stare out over the stars that floated lazily across her eyes. “I know it’s silly of me, but we’ve been gone for so long that sometimes I wonder if he’s forgotten all about me. If he’s moved on.”

Éclair spoke truthfully, which surprised her. Though she trusted Ryan immensely, she never knew when she started feeling comfortable enough with him to share her feelings regarding Leon.

Ryan sniffed slightly. “I know firsthand that would be impossible. Anybody that forgot about you must be dumber than I am, and that’s saying a lot.”

Éclair turned to face Ryan, always surprised by his sudden bursts of insight and humility. “You know, I still can’t figure out if you are the most arrogant man I’ve ever met ... or the humblest.”

“One of the great mysteries of being me,” said Ryan in that charming voice of his. “Almost as great as the mystery of Leon Lurranna.”

Éclair chuckled quietly, mostly to herself. “He is a mystery, there’s no mistake about that. Even now, I feel like I barely know him. It makes our conversations new and exciting each time, like I’m unraveling a little more of his mystique with every encounter.”

Ryan sighed, his voice sounding almost pained. “You really do love him, don’t you?”

“I think I do,” responded Éclair, confused by her recollections of Leon, and even by her own response. “I mean, I do love him, of course. Or at least, I love the idea of him. The thought of getting to know someone so knowledgeable and powerful. Someone who has seen the dark underbelly of this life and still managed to come through the other side relatively sane. To be able to say that I am the most precious person in this man’s full and ostentatious life. The fairytale aspects of it give me no end of pleasure. Though truthfully, I sometimes wonder if I even know enough of the world to contemplate something as vast as love.”

“I’ve never heard you sound so uncertain about your feelings for him before.”

Éclair was only partially aware of the fact that Ryan was no longer at work on the simulation as he stared at her with his keen, intense eyes. Unlike with Leon, it was always so easy for Éclair to be open with Ryan, like she didn’t have to impress him or show off. She didn’t know if that was good or bad in a relationship.

“I’m not uncertain about my feelings for him. But I am sometimes uncertain about his feelings for me. I still don’t know why he picked me. Rachel is older, smarter, and stronger in many ways. She’s had a crush on him longer than I have. And no doubt a man like him could have many would-be lovers. I can’t think of a single reason why he would be interested in someone like me ... other than my lineage.”