A Carnival of Mental Drudgery

When I got home that afternoon, the house was completely empty. My parents both worked, and the only sibling left living at home was my older sister but much to our father’s dismay she was rarely, if ever, at home.

I kicked off my shoes in the entranceway and sat on the little mud bench, trying to collect my thoughts. Minutes earlier I had been lying naked in bed with Sarah and to be honest my whole body was still buzzing with sexual excitement.

I mean, I had never had orgasms like that before and didn’t even know I was capable of having orgasms like that. My loins still felt engorged with blood and muscles I wasn’t previously aware of felt well-exercised by sexually-induced contractions.

My brain, however, was swirling and confused with a mix of “what the fuck did I just do?” and “holy shit did that really just happen?” competing to be mentally processed first.

When I finally stood and made my way to the kitchen, I put a hand to my nose and sniffed.

Fuck, I thought. I smell like Sarah.

And I didn’t smell like her just because I used her shampoo and soap, but also because I was rolling around in her bed with her, naked.

Even though I had showered at her house, I desperately wanted to get her smell off me. It was just too weird, too much to process, and I didn’t want to be constantly reminded of her, so I tossed my running clothes in the laundry, got some fresh clothes, and took a shower.

As the warm water coursed over me, I was consumed by thoughts of what had just occurred. Sarah’s soft, gentle hands caressing my tits, squeezing my nipples. Her sexy naked body pressed up against mine, the feeling of her erect nipples pressing against my flesh, the sight of her bent over in front of me, wanting and waiting for me to satisfy a secret she had held for years.

I think it’s important to point out once again that up until a few hours prior I had considered myself to be asexual. All through high school I didn’t ever wonder about it because I didn’t have to. I wasn’t attracted to boys - or girls.

So what the hell had just happened?

I mentally replayed my thought process as events unfolded at Sarah’s house. When she suggested we shower together, why hadn’t my immediate thought been “no fucking way”?

I was forced to admit that subconsciously, I was curious to see what would happen if I did do it. My conscious mind was apprehensive, but somewhere deep in my psyche my brain realized that it was a novel opportunity and I shouldn’t let it pass.

But what did I expect to happen?

I really was just curious to see what Sarah looked like naked. Another part of it was that while Sarah and I were long time friends, we weren’t actually that close. Again, I was forced to admit that now that we were moving into adulthood and I wanted us to share something that would maintain what we already had and hopefully make us even closer.

After the excitement of graduation, I had come to the realization that I was now basically on my own. I didn’t have a close relationship with my family, I only had a handful of friends, and now with the artificial social construct of public school gone I was well and truly, alone. All I had was my group of friends and I didn’t want to lose them.

So, my subconscious mind had jumped at the chance to be closer to Sarah when she seemed to want the same thing.

But what about the sex though?

Sarah and I rarely, if ever talked about sex. She just wasn’t a very sexual person. She didn’t enjoy sensual things like good food, movies, going out to events, anything. She was just very reserved and I’m going to say it - boring.

Clearly she had been thinking about sex this whole time. And the weirdest part - sex with me. Until this point I had never entertained the thought that someone else in the world had sexual thoughts about me.

And she had known exactly what to do, and what she wanted to do. I was really just along for the ride, and I was only able to mimic the things she had done to me. How did she know? Did she watch porn? Magazines? Books?

Regardless, Sarah had this secret sexual side to her. What about me?

Nope.

I mean, as I said before I’ve masturbated, but more out of curiosity than anything else. I didn’t even think of anyone when I did it.

And what about the fact that we’re both girls?

My sexual arousal at seeing a naked girl was very instinctual and natural, and my physiological reaction to Sarah was undeniable. I couldn’t have controlled my body’s reaction even if I wanted to. But in that moment, I didn’t think about anything else. It all felt very right.

My initial curiosity about Sarah’s naked body was quickly replaced by arousal. I thought about the things that had turned me on so completely - her long, taut torso, her full, perky tits with those little erect nipples, and her muff. My god, I was getting wet again just thinking about it.

So I was sexually attracted to girls. Or was I?

I thought about the other friends in my group - Renee, who was the girliest girl and had a steady boyfriend in high school. There was Naoko and Etsuko, a pair of inseparable Japanese exchange students who I’d spent a lot of time with during their year in grade twelve. Cecilia, the trashy member of the group, who dressed in a weird slutty-yet-nerdy way and had most likely done stuff with guys.

Was I attracted to any of them?

Etsuko or Naoko, no. They were very stereotypical Japanese and reserved. Naoko was cute. Etsuko not so much. Cecilia, hell no. Her hair was like a blonde poodle, she had a snaggletooth, and her trashniess was complete and total. Not in a million years.

Renee though?

Renee was tall, brunette, and in good shape. She had wide, child-bearing hips with a short torso and long legs. Of all the girls in our group, she was the most outgoing, positive, and social. I’m not sure why she hung around with the misfits if I’m honest.

As with all my other friendships, the whole thing was mostly superficial and we didn’t really talk about anything too deep. Her high school years were mostly consumed by her boyfriend so she only sporadically joined our movie nights, board game nights, or whatever night we had conjured up to alleviate our boredom.

But she was nice, and I liked her. She had never been shitty to me, unlike Cecilia, and it was nice to be around a positive person - for short periods of time.

Was I attracted to her? No, not one bit. She was definitely attractive though, the most attractive one of the group. She dressed nicely, frequently wore skirts, blouses, and makeup. She was girly.

Was that why? Did I not like girly girls? No, the thing that had turned me on so much about Sarah was how unexpectedly girly she was.

I had been in the shower for a while and I was no closer to finding the exit of this mental labyrinth than when I started, so I quickly masturbated and turned off the water.

Wait, what?

I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t realize that my body had still not come down from full on sex mode at Sarah’s house. I was still incredibly horny, my thoughts consumed by Sarah’s jiggling tits, her hot, slick pussy in my face, the sensation of her warm, wet tongue as it rhythmically pulsed on my clit...

Unfortunately, this orgasm was nothing like what I had just experienced. It was just the same, inconsequential wave of pleasure as before. It was very unsatisfying. Very.

It left me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and I spent the whole afternoon in my room, reading by myself until dinnertime. When my siblings were in the house my Dad would insist that we all eat dinner at the dining room table together, but since it was just me he didn’t bother.

I didn’t eat much anyway, they were having something gross so I just made myself a cheese sandwich and went back into isolation in my room.

This was the first time in my life I had ever experienced feelings like this. Unresolved relationship feelings. Not knowing where I stood with Sarah, wanting to know where I stood with Sarah, wanting the whole thing resolved so I could stop thinking about it.

Turning the whole thing over in mind, again and again. Did I want Sarah to be my girlfriend? Maybe? Did Sarah want me to be her girlfriend? She did, right? She said she had a crush on me, that’s what that means right? Were we going to have sex again? When? I wanted to have sex with her right then and there. Would she want to have sex with me as often as I wanted to have sex with her?

When I was at home, I always wore shorts and a teeshirt, even in the middle of winter. I hated wearing pants, and I didn’t wear skirts. So, shorts.

Truth be told, if I was living on my own I would probably just hang out in my underwear all day long. And just my underwear, I rarely wore a bra because I had no tits.

I didn’t even have my own room until 10th grade, up until then I had shared it with my sister. We didn’t get along, at all, so that was a lot of fun. But when my brothers left home, she took one of their rooms. Her crap was still everywhere, though. She was more girly than me and spent hours in front of the full length mirror that hung on the back of the closet door.

I didn’t have much clothes so I didn’t go into the closet very much, but now I opened the door wide and stared at myself in that mirror.

What did Sarah see that she liked so much?

She had called me “cute” a bunch of times. I felt like the least “cute” person in the world though.

I pulled my shirt off and dropped my shorts. I had never really looked at myself naked like this, and honestly I didn’t like what I saw. Skinny, scrawny, tiny boobs, barely any difference between my waist and my hips. Short legs.