Chapter 8

At the end of the course of treatment Andrew was even thinner, if this was possible, and totally wiped out. Often patients are sent home at this point before they re-evaluate them and determine if the treatment has been successful. It was not encouraging that his doctor delayed his return home as he was so weak. He and Faith were both now finished their latest courses of treatment and were waiting for the outcome. They had two weeks until they found out their fates.

Neither of them could eat very much, their bodies seemed unable to digest much of anything at all. Between the disease and the treatment, it was going to take a while for their bodies to return to normal, even if the treatment was successful. In addition, they also had to try and keep themselves distracted otherwise they would go crazy with worry. So these two weeks became Andrew’s introductory course to women. He felt like a 16^th century explorer going beyond the edge of the map – ‘there be dragons’. Of course, it was nothing like that. He just had no experience of dealing with women. He had explained about girls starting at Heriot’s for the first time in September and how he was already worried about it. Faith and Leslie laughed out loud at that one.

“Really Andrew, you are worried. What the hell for?”

Leslie was utterly dismissive of him.

“How many girls are being admitted?”

Andrew had no idea but the school did not have the space for a doubling in size so it would probably be no more than a couple of hundred (in the end it was only 150 across all 13 years).

“They are going to be outnumbered eight or ten to one! They will be walking into the lion’s den. Think how they will be feeling!”

This brought him up short. Suddenly he could see that if the roles were reversed and he was one of a hundred or so guys starting at a previously all-girls school it would be pretty daunting.

“Andrew, your biggest issue is not girls.” Leslie insisted. “It is confidence. Think about what you have told Faith and I about your life, home and school. You are not confident in yourself. How did you describe it to us? An immature geek, always trying to fit in. And never succeeding. And now you are just hiding away. If you carry on like that then you will have a terrible time with girls.” Leslie paused here. “Just like all the guys like you did as I went through secondary school.”

Andrew nodded as he realised that Leslie was right. Girls were just going to be the latest thing to torment him. Faith joined in

“We will talk about dealing with teenage girls, we promise, but first of all we need to help you with your confidence. Once you have some ideas to work on there then we can talk to you about women. Give you the benefit of all our years of experience.”

She snorted, Leslie laughed and Andrew just shook his head. Leslie continued on

“We are serious Andrew. You are kind, funny, clever guy but you have no confidence in yourself. Let’s talk about not only this but about your whole life, okay?”

“Sure.”

Faith started.

“Let me explain how this came about Andrew. Leslie was talking to me one day when you were away having treatment and said that you were great, as in a great guy. Rather than just responding yes, as you clearly are a great guy, I thought about great in the other meaning of it, brilliant or notable. Just a momentary wandering of my mind but it made me think. What if you were notable? What if your life was destined to have meaning and all you needed was the right catalyst? So rather than responding to Leslie’s nice comment with an appropriate response I lay here on the bed and thought about it. I was thinking about whether you can ‘make’ someone great. Did you have the raw materials of greatness in you and if someone, in this case us, helped could this greatness blossom? All very metaphysical. I had sat here ignoring Leslie and she was suddenly worried that I did not think you were a great guy. Once I had explained what I had been mentally doodling about she took it a step further. You are starting to show some changes to your personality and outlook. You yourself have commented on many of these; things like maturity, kindness, thoughtfulness. Although you were not horrid before, in the last month these traits have come through to the fore within you. One of the things that Leslie and I have noticed is that you have become more confident. We just do not think that anyone has sat you down and told you how great you are already, definitely not women. So that is the main thing we are talking about when I say I want you to be great. Great is just shorthand for all the things we mentioned and some more that I am sure we will talk about this week.”

All of that made sense. Andrew could tell that he had changed and that his outlook was different. The second half of 1977 had started it, after the chat with John Cuttington, but the last three months had accelerated it. He had initially been concerned about ‘great’, but if it was just a synthesis of him as he currently was then he figured he could live with that. Andrew wasn’t going to go around telling everyone he was great but could use it as a mental shorthand. Their insight into his increased confidence was also good.

“Okay, I can see how you came to ask the request and even the reasoning for the word ‘great’. What does it mean though? Can we talk about some of the steps that I have to complete to live a ‘great life’?”

It looked like they were both expecting more resistance or confusion and were pleasantly surprised at his acquiescence. So Leslie grabbed a pad of paper and they thought about this. Andrew started.

“Subjects at school, course at university, job after I graduate. They all seem interlinked. I am comfortable with the presumption that I am going to university given my natural geekiness. I think that this is one of the keys to my future life, given that it is the foundation of my career.”

The girls agreed with this and Leslie jotted it down. Faith jumped in next.

“Health, exercise and fitness have to be part of it as well. You are fighting cancer and so eating well and exercising to keep fit is essential. Without your health, everything else is moot.”

There was no arguing with that and so this too went on the list. Andrew looked at Leslie to see if she wanted to contribute.

“One of the things that you have done in the last month Andrew is you have made a difference. Both our lives are better for having you in it. I think one of your goals in life should be to make a difference and try and get a similar reaction throughout your life.”

Leslie really did see things differently. He had not thought about his life or a goal within it in that context.

“Okay, I think that is a great idea. Does it tie back to what I study for example though? Look at our current situation, does this mean I should be a medical researcher, work on finding a cure for cancer?”

Andrew paused and had another thought.

“Does it mean making lots of money and donating it so that as many people as possible can try and find the cure? I know that my parents wrote off to the Wellcome Trust once they found out that they funded cancer research. They wanted to know if there were any advanced cancer treatments available.”

It turned out that the Campbells had also written to the Wellcome Trust and it made him realise that they must get inundated with desperate pleas from families across the country, and probably around the world. They had a long discussion about the merits of the two approaches and in the end put them both on the list. Faith raised the next item.

“Your personal life. Friends, relationships, sex, love, all of these things. I think that you need a strong anchor to ensure that you have balance. Life just can’t be study, work, do good deeds, go to sleep and then wake up and repeat ad nauseum. You have to live your personal life to the fullest as well. Close friendships, lots (and lots) of relationships, a healthy sex life leading to love. Someone that will keep you balanced.”

She paused here and thought for a second and then carried on.

“Ignoring all the sniggers about sex for a second, I do think that you need people to keep you balanced. The first three goals could make you a dull soul leading a busy but lonely life. You have talked to us about retreating from people over the last year. You have to live life to the fullest. I don’t think you can be great unless you work to achieve that across your whole life.”

Leslie and Andrew both nodded and he thought for a second and had to blink away sudden tears. The girls looked startled at my sudden mood change.

“I am alright. I was struck by the thought that the people who will be my sounding board on a lot of this stuff, at least for the next 10 years, are sitting right here.”

At this he looked at them both. They both beamed back at him. Leslie came back to her previous topic.

“Should we put work and money on the list as a goal? I think they are interconnected with studying and making a difference. I think that money should be a goal. I think it is separate from making a difference. We can dress it up and call it many things, independently wealth, financial security, whatever. Having money.”

Andrew was slightly taken aback by her bluntness but agree to leave it on the list for further discussion. He raised his only other thought.

“I heard someone on the television talk about karma. They didn’t really explain it so I asked my folks. Their description was doing good things and thinking of others rather than yourself. The said it had to do with Hinduism and their concept of rebirth. I have been meaning to look this up but in some ways it is irrelevant. Most religions have some concept of helping others. I am not religious but am happy to use the word karma to describe it. The other part of this goal is service. My father did military service in the 1950s and my grandfathers and great-grandfathers served in the World Wars. Should I join the military? As I look at the goals there are several areas of overlap. Could this be a career after university? Serve the country. I would be fit and active.”

They quickly agreed that karma and service would be the sixth and currently final goal.

They started to talk about studying and were trying to work their way forward from that point, belatedly realising that it made way more sense to figure out what he wanted to do as a career and then work back. They then talked about that career making a difference. There are lots of ways to make a difference but Andrew’s earlier comment about cancer research had become a fixation and he could not get past it. The only problem was he was quite squeamish and did not like biology. He had never once considered becoming a doctor even after he got sick. They talked round in circles for some time but then Faith called a halt.

“Andrew, stop a second and take a deep breath. Okay. I think that we are trying to define two goals at the same time and we are tripping over each other trying to define them. Wanting to make a difference. You seem very adamant about cancer research. Understandable right now. Rather than fight you on it how about we just label the goal medical research. As sub goals, we can put cancer research and make money to fund research. I think that goal is complete.”

They all stopped and thought about it. As a goal, it did seem good. He was going to make a difference by funding medical research into cancer treatments. All the details, plans and timelines would come later and didn’t need to be addressed now. Leslie and Andrew nodded in agreement. Faith continued.

“That is good. One tight and refined. I think your career discussion was getting mixed up in this first goal. But is getting a job or a career a goal. I think it is a plan and that what you do as a career should tie through to the goals on the list, make a difference, do good/things for others, make you some money and not be all consuming so that you can have some balance.”

This brought him up short. What was this unicorn of a job, this mythically perfect job that would meet that need? Leslie had some old career guidance material from her days at school and so, over the rest of that afternoon and again the following day they reviewed dozens of jobs and careers. It took several hours but eventually it came down to a couple of choices. Andrew summarised.

“That has been quite the exhaustive review of possible careers. In my mind, it comes down to theoretical science, probably Physics, or applied science, likely either Chemistry or Engineering.”

At school, currently Maths and Physics were two of his favourite subjects, with History the other. After some farther discussion, they agreed that it came down to theoretical physics or engineering, mostly likely civil or mechanical.

“I don’t know that I have to make a final choice right now. I am going to be doing Maths and Physics throughout senior school so neither avenue is closed. I am okay with the goal being loosely defined right now and I can make a decision based on aptitude and interest nearer the time.”

The second goal was complete. It felt like Andrew had gone through career guidance two or three years early. He was comfortable with the choices and it sat right with him.

The following day, Thursday, was the day they talked about money. How to earn it, how to invest it, what to invest it in, and everything was discussed. They talked a lot about basics, Leslie leading this part of the session.

“I went to the library and I looked up how much money the Wellcome Trust has that it uses to invest in medical research. They have hundreds of millions of pounds. While I think it is great that you have a goal to make a difference and fund research you need to be realistic as to what you can achieve. Let’s start building your wealth before you give it all away.”