Chapter 12

Faith’s condition and his promise to her distracted Andrew and yet also focused him for the rest of the week. On the Friday he had completed seven days of exercise and the wall push ups were already much easier as were the sit ups. He was walking twice round the block in under 14 minutes and had added a chunk of a third circuit to get up to his target of 15 minutes. Friday also saw him get to 15 lengths of backstroke at the pool. 10 assisted with the float with the rest using his arms. He wasn’t going to be the next Mark Spitz but it was a start. Andrew had completed all of his Geography course work and would finish all the homework that weekend. He was scheduled to start on Chemistry the next Monday. His evening review of computing texts was continuing as well. The last time he had been at the library one of the librarians had seen the subject of the books and let him know that they also had periodicals. You could not borrow them but they were there for review in the library.

Andrew was thinking about all this as he left the Pool. Before he stopped by the library he decided that he was going to swing by Tony’s camera shop, to let him know that he was in remission. He didn’t know whether other people were better at hiding their reactions but Tony looked horrified when he saw him. Not at seeing him but just at his condition.

“Fucking hell Andrew.”

He knew Tony was in shock, this was the first time he had ever been called Andrew, it was always ‘kid’.

“Should you be out in this weather?”

“I have lots of layers on Tony, I am being careful.”

That made Tony’s face grimace even more.

“When did you get the all clear?”

“Last Friday, just a week ago. Now it is all about eating well, exercising carefully. Once the residue of the chemo is out of my body then I should be fine. How are things here?”

“Same old, same old. You were only here for just over a year but the place is different without you around. We have all started to develop our own film and we are good about three quarters of the time, but most weeks someone is moaning about screwing up their development. I don’t think we realised how freaking consistent you were. Are you going to come back when you are recovered?”

“It is one of the reasons I am here Tony. I wanted to talk to you about that. One of the doctors wondered whether being around all the chemicals in a confined space had contributed to the cancer. Now it was idle musings by him but you can imagine my mother’s reaction. I am going to stay clear of a darkroom for a couple of years, it is not that I necessarily believe the doctor, he was just guessing but it seems stupid to take the chance.”

“Fuck, I hope that doctor is wrong given how much time we all spend in our darkrooms. But I see the point, you have to look out for your health.”

Tony smiled suddenly.

“We might invite you to join the Friday night group instead.”

Andrew blushed on demand.

“Okay, we may wait a year or two. I suppose what I am saying is stay in touch, okay?”

Andrew smiled and nodded, surprisingly touched at the gesture. Looking at the cameras and thinking about his exercise regime he turned back to Tony.

“I know this is going to sound really odd, but I am starting to exercise every day. I was thinking about a before and after picture. If it won’t freak you out too much can you take the shot for me?”

“Er, sure. Why would it freak me out?”

“I don’t want to take the shot like this, all bundled up. I will take my shirt off so you can photograph my torso, it is a skeleton covered in skin.”

Tony swallowed but went to find a camera. He flipped the sign on the door to ‘back in five minutes’ and stood Andrew against a neutral strip of wall in the back of the shop. When Andrew finally took off his vest Tony did swallow and almost looked away but he got a couple of shots and Andrew dressed quickly.

“I know, it is pretty stark.”

Tony shook his head.

“I remember the episode of The World at War where they talked about, and showed pictures, of the Holocaust. You aren’t as emaciated as the survivors they showed but it was what came to mind. And this is success.”

He shook his head again, like a dog shedding water, Tony was shedding the image from his mind.

“I will get these printed for you.”

“Thanks. I will drop by next Friday same time. I walk over to the library from the Pool.”

With a final shake of his hand Andrew left. The walk to the library lifted his mood and he spent two hours immersed in computing magazines. This was going to be his morning activity after swimming with him studying school work in the afternoon and evening instead. This would be the routine over the next couple of months until the return to school.

Andrew couldn’t stop thinking about Faith though. So on Friday evening he asked his parents if one of them would run him over to the hospice first thing on Saturday morning. He wanted to be there by 8.00, see if she was able to chat for a few minutes then get out before he ran into her parents. If they were there already then he would just quietly leave. Although Andrew’s parents were supportive they did warn him that it would be tough. He needed to be mentally and emotionally tough to deal with this. But he was pleased that they did not try and talk him out of it and just told him to be strong.

Boy did they know what they were talking about!

He was up early, and did his exercises including two real push ups, a first, and had breakfast. His mum ran him over to the hospice, it was only five miles from the house, and parked the car. She would wait there and told Andrew just to come back when he was ready. His mother had the paper and would be fine for at least an hour. The hospice was bright and cheery and there were no set visiting hours, the staff realising that family and friends wanted to spend as much time as possible with the patients and so the rules were very relaxed. Andrew asked for Faith’s room and when he got to that section the nurse confirmed that there was no one else visiting at present. The ward was a long clean corridor with doors down either side. It was like the hallway in a hotel only in white tile.

People have idealised visions of what death looks like, mainly from television and the movies. However much you think you understand death the reality is infinitely worse. Andrew knew before he opened the door that the person inside this room was dying. He thought he was ready to face that. But there is a reason they don’t show death by cancer on television or film. It is the most disgusting thing you will ever see. Lying there on the bed was this tiny figure, his friend Faith. And she was being tortured. It is the only way to describe it, torture. He didn’t know what else you could call it. She was writhing in the bed. Limbs and body moving in contorting agony. And this was her condition when she was sedated.

Andrew had to sit down. Nothing had prepared him for this. Cancer tortures your body until you die. You are tortured to death. Fucking hell. He could taste bile in his mouth and his hands were shaking.

Why had he come? To try and give comfort? He didn’t know, he couldn’t give an answer, he had felt drawn to her. He knew there was nothing he could do. He didn’t even really think that she would be conscious and he didn’t want to run into her family. In the end, all Andrew could cling to as a reason for being there was that friends don’t abandon friends especially at moments like this. She wasn’t going to know he was there. And yet maybe deep down she would. Rationalisation, all that is left when there is no good answer.

Andrew had no idea how long he sat there but it could not have been long. He slowly stood and walked over to the bed. For a moment Andrew looked at her head on the pillow and thought the kind and humane thing to do would be to take the pillow and smother her. Stop the torture and let her finally achieve peace. They would prosecute someone for treating an animal like this but yet were okay to let a 16 year old girl die this way. He didn’t touch the pillow but he often thought about that day and what he saw. He would, until the day he died, firmly believe that the right thing to do that day was to kill his friend and end her suffering.

Andrew touched her hand, whispered “Goodbye Faith” to her and left the room, walking out of the hospice in a daze and got back into the car. His mum could tell from his face that it had been horrible and so they drove home in silence. Andrew went straight to his room and was left alone all morning. His mum brought him lunch and sat on the bed.

“Are you okay? I know you felt you had to go but I guess it was worse than you thought.”

He quietly explained what he had seen and just as importantly, what he had felt. She nodded. There was nothing she could say.

Andrew was never mad about his own cancer, scared and worried, lots of self-pity – ‘why me?’. But never angry or mad. That all changed when he walked out of Faith’s hospice room. Something slotted into place with him and he had an enemy, something to beat. If he held himself to Faith and Leslie’s plan then part of it was doing something good, making something of himself, making a difference. At that moment he knew, what he was going to try and make a different in, cancer research. He was going to find a way to support those who were working to find a cure. Andrew smiled a grim smile. Doing something with his life became real that day, the idle musings of the cancer ward morphed into something tangible, the life goals now had meaning.

As always when stressed he lost himself in his studies, working solidly until late that night on his Geography homework and finishing it the next morning. His dad would hand it in to the school on his way home from work on Monday. Andrew studied and read computer books, just having a quiet relaxing Sunday, and went to bed early, tired from the weekend. He didn’t receive a call from Leslie that evening, but he hadn’t expected it.

But the following morning she sat waiting for him in her car in the carpark when Andrew came out of the pool. Before he even got to the car he knew, it was clear on her face. He stopped, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was sad but at the same time knew what Faith had faced at the end and so was also grateful that she was at peace. When he opened his eyes Leslie had climbed out of the car and was walking towards him. They just silently hugged for many minutes.

“She passed away about 10.00 last night.” Leslie explained. “We are all in shock, tired and emotionally wiped out. I left this morning to get some fresh air and then thought I should tell you in person rather than over the phone, so here I am.

“We know that you came and saw her on Saturday. The nurse told us someone had visited around 8.00. When she described who it was, we immediately knew that it was you. The nurse said you left after 20 minutes. One day soon we will talk about why you visited. Mum and Dad were shocked that you would visit her at the hospice. They are finally starting to understand the connection that the two of you had. It is far too soon and they will need time to grieve but I think they will want to talk to you about your time with Faith. The fact that Faith had such an impact on you in so short a time gives them some comfort. It validates how they felt about her.”

“Thank you for coming all this way to let me know Leslie. What can I do for you? Do you want to talk? Do you need a hug and a shoulder to cry on? Do you need a distraction? Let me help you in some little way.”

“Would you mind going for a walk with me? We can park down by the Palace and walk around St. Margaret’s Loch. It is flat there and we will walk slowly so that you don’t tire.” She asked.

They drove down through Queen’s Park to the Palace and parked. It was a blustery, cold February day and it was a Monday morning. There was only one other car there. They both bundled up and started walking towards the loch. They were walking side by side with their hands stuffed in their jacket pockets to keep warm. Andrew waited patiently for Leslie to start talking.

“I am feeling confused and chaotic. I know I should be sad and in a way I am heartbroken but I am also glad that her suffering is over. You saw her at the end. It was awful. When she finally faded away last night I was glad. I also don’t know how I am going to cope without her. She was more than two years younger than me but we were close. Not just over the last two years but before that as well. We got on and were friends as well as sisters. She was very insightful. She could understand people better than I could. She was a much better judge of my boyfriends than I was.”

Leslie smiled as she said this, but it quickly faded.

“How am I going to cope Andrew?”

At this she turned into him and he held her in his arms. He carefully squeezed her shoulders and she clung to him. Andrew had been repeatedly told about the power of positive thoughts when he had been in the hospital. Although he thought that the idea was a bit flaky, now he focused on Leslie and sent soothing thoughts to her. The mental equivalent of patting her on the shoulder and going ‘there, there’. Finally they unwrapped themselves and carried on walking. Andrew had lots of things he could say to her and that he wanted to say but this was not the time. He kept his own counsel and walked quietly with her. Eventually Leslie started talking again.

“She only found out that the bone marrow transplant had been unsuccessful ten days before she died. She deteriorated so fast. No one spoke to her after Wednesday. We all said goodbye that morning.”

Tears started falling again.

“Although the last five days were awful it was over pretty quick. The two months that she spent talking to you and I were wonderful. We had so many good moments. I don’t remember her laughing as much as she did in the run up to her birthday. You were so good for her. Someone that she could help. The life plan was her doing. She liked helping and for the first time in nearly two years she had someone that she liked that she could help. The fact that you were goofy and funny and so easy to make blush, that was just a bonus.”

Again Leslie smiled at the memories and this time the smile didn’t fade.

“You were such a good sport about it all. The bed baths. Oh my god. ‘My, someone’s a healthy young man’.”

Andrew laughed with her as they thought back.

“It is those memories I want to keep of her. Not the last two weeks. Her laughing. Her blushing when I asked her what she would be dreaming about. The look on your face as I talked about female bodies. The look on both your faces as I talked about sex. The way that you made her animated without realising it.”

She stopped and took his hand as she turned towards him.

“Andrew, although we didn’t know it at the time my sister had terminal cancer and had less than 10 weeks to live when you and she met. You were a godsend to her, to me, to the whole family. You could talk to her about death, about the fear of dying, about pain, about the Fates. None of the rest of us could. Maybe it takes someone facing the same possibility to be able to talk about that openly. I don’t know. I know that I couldn’t and Mum and Dad couldn’t either. From what you said neither could your folks. As I was driving over today I was thinking about you. Lots of different things. Why was I even driving over? Why were you so important to me? What did it all mean?

“It is love Andrew. Not happily ever after kind of love sadly. Faith loved you and I love you like a brother. I want you to know that I will honour my promise to Faith. It will be rough especially for the first month or so but with you I get positive memories of Faith. I remember happy Faith. Whenever I am down I will think about you and your bed baths and it will lift my spirits.”

Andrew pulled her in for another hug.

“I didn’t think I should raise it today but I agree with everything you said. Thank you for putting some of how I feel into words. I am not sure I could have told you I love you like a sister. I do but I am not sure I could have told you. I also will honour my promises to Faith. We will support each other during the coming months. I cannot imagine dealing with the rest of secondary school without your wise and kind words.”

Once their mutual love had been declared they carried on walking. The conversation was less emotional and they were even able to laugh once or twice as they thought back over the time together. Leslie dropped him off at the City Library and told him she would call and let him know the funeral arrangements.

When Andrew got home he made some lunch and thought about the morning. He was grateful to Leslie for coming over and telling him in person. He thought that the walk and talk had helped them both. It had definitely helped him. Faith had died but what she represented would live on. Andrew laughed out loud when, after all these weeks, he realised Faith had faith in him. Her spark had ignited something in him and now, although her spark had flared and gone out, it was up to him to make something of himself, make something of his life.

He settled down and worked his way through the Chemistry schoolwork. He had made note of the different practical tests that normally constituted part of the chemistry syllabus. Reading ahead, it looked like there would be four experiments each term so eight in total. Upon completing all the homework he could, he penned a note to the teacher requesting that someone supervise him one Saturday near the end of the term to allow him to work his way through the practical experiments. It would take less than 45 minutes per experiment, so about six hours in total plus some time for lunch. He hoped that the cancer survivor sympathy would let him get caught up before the start of next term.