Chapter 19

Jon woke up early that morning as the birds were chirping outside his window. He rolled over to look at Lola lying next to him. She looked peaceful as she lay in a fetal position with her head on the pillow, her breathing shallow. Her shoulder-length auburn hair was tied neatly at the nape of her neck, and he knew she would still be asleep for a while.

For a moment, Jon felt a rush of guilt throughout his body. They had had a row last night.

“Jon, we’ve been together for so long, but you still don’t have any plans to be wed to me, do you?”

Jon was startled at her questioning him so directly, but he knew it had been bothering her for a while. Jon looked at her and saw the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks. Her auburn hair fell across her face as she looked down to the floor shyly. She wasn’t one to confront another easily, so he knew it was something she had waited a long time to bring up. She looked so fragile in that moment. He wanted to pick her up and hold her tight to make her feel better, but also to avoid the question she so desperately wanted an answer to.

She was a very petite woman of 26, and her skin was white as snow. She was a wallflower, a beautiful one at that, but definitely going through life unnoticed. For a moment he focused on the long brown dress she was wearing and he understood why. She was understated, but he liked that. He adored her, but he just couldn’t see himself getting married to her, or to anyone for that matter. He had made the decision not to wed as soon as he came to this foreign country, and he had been upfront with Lola about it when he had met her two months after his arrival. He wasn’t interested in her, but her affection for him didn’t seem to wane. It took him two years, but he finally attempted to give her the same love she had given him. She was extremely shy and modest so things were taken very slow, but Jon preferred it that way. Over time, their relationship had become comfortable, but he still had no plans to marry her.

When she had asked the question, the image of Claudette presented itself in his mind, as he knew it would. He had never mentioned Claudette to Lola, but he had his suspicions that she knew there was someone else. Lola was beautiful, but she was also clever and incredibly caring. Unfortunately she would still never be Claudette and he couldn’t hurt her by giving her a loveless marriage. He had hoped that he could learn to love the woman who clearly loved him so much, but he hadn’t been able to get to that point yet.

“Lola ... You know how I feel about marriage...”

She looked up at him, looking desperate and alone. “I know, but I had thought that all this time with me would have changed your mind.”

Jon sighed, feeling the same guilt again. He just couldn’t do it. “Look Lola, you know that I care for you deeply, but I’m not ready. I do not know whether I ever will be, and I’ve always been honest with you about that.”

She nodded, swallowing back tears. He stood up to comfort her and swept her into his arms. He held her tightly, until she finally said, “Jon, we have an expiration date. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it, and I don’t know whether I’ve accepted it completely yet.”

Jon wanted to interject, but she stopped him.

“Jon please, I don’t wish to speak of it any further. It was a mistake to bring the subject up anyway. Just, please, kiss me...” she said, looking up at him.

He kissed her gently, and in a way, it felt like they were saying goodbye. He placed his hand on her chest, cupping a small breast, and she put her arms around his neck. He had satisfied a primal need then, but his heart had never felt satisfied in all the times they had made love. In fact, he was always left with a sense of guilt as he felt he was misleading her. He wanted to love her. He wanted to give her what she deserved, but it seemed more and more impossible. Perhaps he was incapable of loving someone, of giving his heart to a woman entirely.

A few weeks had passed, and Lola hadn’t brought up the subject of marriage again. They carried on as before, the guilt inside him growing with each passing day.

Jon was packing up his suitcase at work, almost leaving. His job had provided the necessary satisfaction, but he was missing Westville more and more, although he knew he could never return. He kept wondering how the people there were doing, and, of course, specifically how Claudette and Benjamin were doing. After all this time he imagined them happy and he felt no bitterness anymore. He saw them at Carlisle estate, surrounded by their children, Claudette always smiling.

Jon enjoyed teaching, but what he had thought would ease his desire to have his own children, only made him want them more. He was on the lookout for another job, only in part to get away from Lola. He would just have to speak to her, put an end to it all. He couldn’t just run away again.

On his way to the bookstore after work, he saw a man walking across the road, a very small boy hanging onto his arm. The man swung the child into his arms, tickling him, and Jon stopped dead in his tracks as he realized who it was.

Benjamin. The little boy must be his and Claudette’s son.

What are they doing here? If he’s here, Claudette must be as well!

Jon caught Benjamin’s eye as he was walking over to where Jon was. Evidently, Benjamin hadn’t expected to see Jon. He put the child down and walked over.

“Jon, how are you?” His voice was shaking.

Jon immediately noticed that Benjamin wasn’t looking well. He wasn’t as neat and polished as he was when Jon had known him. In fact, he wasn’t sporting his usual fancy suit either, he looked more like a labourer than anything else. Jon frowned, suddenly weary.