Chapter 16

More than a year had passed since the realization of Claudette’s feelings for Jon had swept over Benjamin.

Winter was nearing, and with it came a new sense of depression. Benjamin and Claudette had drifted further and further apart. There was no use in denying it, at least in Benjamin’s mind. He had no idea whether Claudette bore any notice of him at all.

Yes, they were still having wildly erotic sex all the time – it seemed to be all that dulled the ache inside Benjamin’s soul. In those almost daily loving moments they shared, he felt so close to her. They were the only times he did. Whenever they saw each other they made love. Benjamin ensured that he was busy with work the rest of the time. He left early in the morning, and came back home late every evening. She would wait up for him and they would be together as man and wife. They had gotten used to the arrangement and it seemed to suit them both very well. Benjamin just couldn’t bear the sight of her running for the mail every morning, after all this time, hoping for a letter from Jon, only to have those hopes come crashing down as another day passed without any word from him. It was evident that he wasn’t planning on sending the letter he supposedly promised he would – Benjamin had never believed that he would. Benjamin still had no idea whether Claudette, herself, was even remotely aware of the feelings she harboured for Jon – it seemed she was mistaking the lust and passion she felt for Benjamin’s body to be some sort of love for him in her mind, but he couldn’t be sure. It didn’t seem to matter, and they barely ever actually spoke of anything meaningful. She seemed happy enough, but Benjamin carried the notion that she had convinced herself to be content with the situation she was in as she had no other option available to her. She was living in denial, perhaps they both were. Their marriage had failed, but they couldn’t admit it. More than that, they could never discuss the elephant in the room – the fact that Claudette was still not with child. They never approached the subject, and it seemed that his hope of a child bringing them closer together as a family would never materialize.

Benjamin had carried this hope that she may learn to love him over time, that she may forget all about Jon, but the hope had faded to the tiniest flicker. They had made a mistake, and he seemed to be a shadow of his former self who had believed that sex without any attachment was to be the perfect life. Now, he would trade all the sex he and Claudette had just for all of her heart to be his.

Claudette spent most of her time at her father’s practice, keeping herself busy, perhaps so as to avoid dealing with her own feelings. She seemed to accept Benjamin’s management of the estate, but they barely spoke of it either.

How could I have been so foolish as to have fallen in love with my wife?

He had asked himself the same questions over and over again.

How did things get to this point? What happened?

Benjamin had finished at the vineyards early, but he didn’t want to go back home to spend another evening with his wife. He took one of the horses and rode it to town where he stopped at a tavern he now frequently visited.

If Claudette ever smelled the alcohol on his breath, she had never mentioned it. Strangely, that bothered Benjamin more – she didn’t care enough to notice the smell, or to wonder where her husband was spending all of his time.

He entered the small seedy tavern on the edge of town, and sat down at the bar. There was nobody else around as he ordered two double brandy’s and swallowed them quickly.

“My Lord, what are you doing here?” a sultry voice asked next to him.

Benjamin turned around to see Sandra standing next to him, hands on her hips, biting her crimson lower lip, batting her eyelashes and pushing her breasts forward at him.

When Benjamin didn’t answer, she continued, “Are you not wed my Lord? I’ve heard your lot has been most unfortunate in that you were forced to be wed to that dreadfully dull Lady Batten.” She basically spat Claudette’s name.

Benjamin became angry as the barman placed another brandy before him. He flushed it down his throat before he said, “You shall not speak about my wife that way.”

“Oh. So she is indeed your wife? And she’s kept you all to herself for so long? That seems quite unfair to the rest of us...” Benjamin watched her long fingernails brush up his forearm.

When he again didn’t respond, she said huskily, “I’ve missed you dearly my Lord. No other lover comes near your expertise...”

She moved her hand higher up his arm, but he grabbed it, keeping it still, “I’m married,” he said through ground teeth.

She laughed, “Yes, you’ve said that my Lord.” She leaned in closer to his face. He could smell cigarette smoke all around her as she whispered in his ear, “Will it stop you from letting me remind you what true pleasure is?”

She licked his earlobe and he slapped her across the face. She put her hand on her cheek, but turned back to look at him with a smile on her face.

“My Lord, do you take me for a fool?” She was still smiling but her tone seemed furious and determined. “I’ve seen you around here too often. I know exactly what you want. After all, you know I reside right upstairs. Do not tell me that your being here is pure coincidence when you know I provide my services to almost all men who enter this tavern!” She cleared her throat as her pale blue eyes turned softer, “So, I’ll be upstairs waiting for you. You know the way.”

With that, she turned around and walked to the stairs, giving him a wink as she made her first step.

Benjamin felt furious.

Is she right? Is that why I’m here?

Benjamin struggled to comprehend his emotions, but he couldn’t get his feet to take him out the door, back to his wife. No, he required something other than that dull ache his wife left him with every time they finished their subconsciously scheduled sessions of supposed love-making. Claudette didn’t love him, she never would. Why should he care anymore? Their marriage was a failure. The hole in his heart threatened to overwhelm him as he thought of Claudette, her big green eyes staring up at him, her chocolate-coloured hair falling down her back in waves, and her skin so flawless and soft – Claudette who would never truly be his. There was a lump in his throat, and tears threatened to roll down his cheeks as he thought of their ruse of a marriage.

What have I become? Who is this person I don’t recognize in the mirror?

He couldn’t contemplate his actions, but he downed another two glasses of brandy before he walked to the stairs which would lead him to Sandra’s room above, stairs which would lead him to an unfaithfulness he would never be able to retract.

And then he became enraged. Claudette had been unfaithful already on their wedding night! But worse than that kiss, she had been unfaithful throughout their entire marriage as her heart belonged to Jon. Benjamin had felt such contempt for Jon throughout his marriage, but now he felt a renewed contempt for Claudette herself. It was her fault that their marriage was a failure. Why was he continuing this ruse?