OK, troop, listen up. Our topic for this campfire is doing it. That’s what I said, doing it. Maybe some of you have done it already, but you need to do it the right way. That’s not always the easy way, but it’s the Scout way.

Which way? The Scout way! Say it again. The Scout way!

A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Show me the Scout sign.

Do it according to the Scout Law and you get to do it lots of times. Am I right?

As they’re still changing our position regarding orientation at national headquarters, I’ll make my points from the traditional perspective, but for those of you identifying with other orientations, just try to think of how you’d handle it, too.

OK, let’s go through them.

A Scout is Trustworthy.

What does that mean? It means your mom’s got to trust that you brought a rubber, unless you want a little sibling. Things like that.

A Scout is Loyal.

So who’s always there for you, even if she’s on your case half the time? It’s your mom. You mess up, she’ll be there. Many Scouts mess up the first few times, but if it’s with her, she’ll help you get it right. And don’t believe what maybe you hear. They tighten up right after they have you.

A Scout is Helpful.

Do a good turn daily, Help your mother with her clothes, things like buttons. Absolutely help her orgasm, even if it means slowing down.

You probably won’t get to do the good turn we’re talking about every day unless you’ve got sisters.

A Scout is Friendly.

A friend in need is a friend, indeed, and sometimes your mom might need some special friendship, say a friendly kiss or a nice hug. You may be surprised how friendly is the one she gives you back. Then you get more friendly, and so on. She’s a girl, of course, so she’s your girlfriend.

A Scout is Courteous.

You can’t be too polite. Lots of girls do it the first time after the prom. Usually there will be hotel rooms set up for it, even. You pick her up at her house, have a corsage, and firmly shake her father’s hand. You can give her mom a corsage, too, and she’ll wear it to church and tell the ladies what a nice young man her daughter has gotten to know. It can even sometimes pay off for you later, given how much you end up hanging around their house.

A Scout is Kind.

Your mom’s had a long day. The two of you watching TV before bed, offer her a backrub. Just the two of you. She’ll be surprised when you reach under to unhook her bra, but she’ll lift her arms enough for you to do her sides, and from there it’s smooth sailing.

A Scout is Obedient.

This one’s been a problem because of some past Scoutmasters, but we’ve got a handle on it. If some leader says that you can take a shower with him, call the Scout Hotline and we’ll take care of him. What “obedient” means is that you do it the way your mom says when it comes to getting her ready She’ll show you where.

A Scout is Cheerful.

Of course you’re cheerful when you’ve done it well, but everything has its hitches now and then. Just don’t get depressed. Think about what worked well, say, how you got her clothes off.

Good. I can see that you’re paying attention, not like with Scoutmaster Bontrager and the semaphore demonstration. That stuff’s important, too, however. A Scout is Thrifty.

The more a Scout shoots, the faster he’ll make more, there’s no need to hold back. You’ve got millions and billions. You Mormon Scouts need this because you get to father a whole planet.

Don’t go hiring some sex worker to satisfy the requirement for First Class. Stop by your Den Mother from Cubs and she’ll say, My, how you’ve grown since I saw you.

So what else do we mean by being thrifty? What we mean is that we save our rubbers, test them under a faucet, powder them up and store them in a Ziploc. A Scout recycles.

A Scout is Brave.

Sooner or later, you’re going to find yourself in a tough situation, maybe get caught doing it by your dad. Don’t just run away. Tell him that you take full responsibility, that of course you’d marry her, except she’s already married.

A Scout is Clean.

STDs are nasty. Be Prepared. If you think you’ve caught something, see your doctor. Or maybe better, a nurse, as she can help take a sample, maybe test you out to see if you’re firing on all pistons. She’s a professional.

Change your sheets as needed.

A Scout is Reverent.

If she wants to pray first, go along with it and she’ll see it as God’s plan. It may help to arrive by bicycle and wear a narrow tie.

Nobody’s going to wonder about you and your mom. Same goes for a sister, though if you mess up, she’ll lord it over you.

But most of all, always, always, always do your best to make her come.

OK, Scouts, that’s about it. Don’t forget the hike on Saturday where we’ll cross paths with the Girl Scouts. Their troop leader and I checked out the hay barn last weekend and it’s great!