Chapter 60: A Spiritual Crisis

December 23, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

When Rachel woke for her meal on Wednesday morning, I got out of bed to care for her, and as usual, fed her while sitting in the rocking chair. I really needed Clarissa, but she had to be at the pediatric practice at 8:00am, and I didn’t want to have the conversation over the phone. Because of the way our shifts worked, I wasn’t going to be able to sit down with her and have a long conversation before Monday.

It dawned on me that Lara could help, and she actually might be a better choice given what I’d said to Tasha. If, in fact, Lara was going to be my future, she’d end up being my closest confidante, and I wouldn’t have to hide anything from her, as I’d had to hide my true relationship with Clarissa from Elizaveta. As soon as Rachel finished her bottle, and despite the early hour, I called Lara.

“For you to wake me, it has to be bad,” she said. “Did something happen with Tasha?”

“You could say that. Join me for breakfast and spend the morning?”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

She arrived eighteen minutes later, just as I was putting batter on the waffle iron. Given I was making breakfast, Lara picked up Rachel, who had been sitting impatiently in her carrier, wanting to be held. Rachel cooed and gurgled for Lara, and Lara sat down while I continued preparing breakfast.

“I would have expected Tasha to still be here,” Lara said. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t kidding when I told you there was a good chance we wouldn’t sleep together,” I said. “Now, for a full confession, as it were. I had told Clarissa last week that Tasha was going to get her ‘sleepover’ but somewhere between then and last night, my thinking changed, which is why I told you yesterday that Tasha might sleep in the guest room. So, instead of offering a night of passion, I called her out for being deceitful.”

The thing that had happened was the conversation with Clarissa about the ‘real’ Tasha, reïnforced by me expressing my feelings aloud to Lara.

“Deceitful?” Lara asked. “If Tasha was anything, it was that she was too obvious about what she wanted!”

I chuckled, “That’s true, but what mask did she put on? Which persona did she show pretty much everyone except you, Clarissa, and me?”

“The prim, proper, conservative, traditional Russian girl. But all of us knew that was an act!”

“Yes, all of us,” I agreed. “But Nik Antipov certainly didn’t.”

“I’m going to surmise, based on what you said before, that you called Tasha a fraud or a liar or something along those lines.”

“Yes. It started with me telling her about Angie, which led to me getting on Tasha’s case about her views on psychology and psychiatry, and spiraled down from there. I made the point that what she and I had done was no different from what Clarissa and Tessa are doing, and from there, to her deceitfulness with Nik. I put the blame squarely on Tasha, reserving some for myself, and said Nik was the innocent party.”

“And you’re still alive?” Lara asked.

“Tasha did become very upset with me and argued with me, but if you think about it, it’s true. Sure, Nik did some terrible things after their marriage ended, but he had every right to be upset because he bought what my Dutch grandmother would call a ‘pig in a poke’. He expected a demure, traditional, conservative Russian girl. Then, on their honeymoon, Tasha revealed her true self and Nik freaked out. How does he have ANY blame?”

“I hadn’t considered that.”

“Nobody did, including Father Nicholas, because even he didn’t know who Tasha really was. I did, and not only did I do nothing to stop Tasha, but I also encouraged her. And that led to, if you’ll excuse me being crass, the allegedly demure, conservative Tasha demanding her new, very conservative, very traditional husband, fuck her in the ass.”

“THAT was the problem?” Lara asked, sounding surprised.

“Think about the message it sent. She’d clearly done it before. With me. While sin is sin, there’s a huge difference in most people’s minds, and certainly Nik’s, from a brief inappropriate sexual relationship to one that involved what Nik certainly saw as ‘deviant’ sex.”

“OK, I can see that. I have to ask a question that you don’t have to answer, but you and Elizaveta?”

“Much to her regret, yes. Elizaveta demanded I do everything with her that I had done with Tasha. We did, and when we finished, she said two things. First, she said ‘Tasha is certainly not whom anyone thinks she is!’ and second she said ‘if you EVER try to put your dick in my butt again, I’ll feed it into the food processor we received as a wedding gift!’”

Lara laughed, “I can absolutely see her saying that!”

“I did point out that she had demanded I do it and she said I was a ‘pain in the butt’!”

“I’m seeing a side of Elizaveta I didn’t know existed! Well, I did, but I didn’t, if you know what I mean.”

“I do, and the difference between Elizaveta and Tasha is that Elizaveta really was whom she represented herself to be. I turned her into a sex maniac!”

“You say that as if it might be a bad thing!”

“It wasn’t, but the point is, Elizaveta understood the difference in her roles, but never once pretended to be someone she was not. Her friends all knew she liked sex and wanted it literally all the time. In public, or even in small groups, she toed the party line, so to speak, but in one-on-one conversations, she was willing to share information with her friends they really couldn’t get anywhere else.”

“So,” Lara observed, “in effect, you got what you bargained for, while Nik did not, even though both girls appeared to be similarly prim and proper in public.”

“The difference, I think, is that Elizaveta was totally honest with me from the get-go, and I was honest with her as well, though I erred in how I revealed my extensive experience. I allowed her to assume, at first, it had only been Tasha and Jocelyn, and when I admitted the truth, she was outraged, and rightly so.

“I admitted the full truth to Tasha last night, and she was shocked. I pointed out that I had been with more girls than the number of lovers she, Clarissa, and you had, combined, at least by a factor of three. If she wasn’t with other guys besides Nik, then probably a factor of four.”

Lara’s eyes went wide, “OK, math major here, working with limited information, and knowing you enjoyed Taft, but what is that? Two dozen?”

“A bit north of that,” I replied. “You probably weren’t aware that a group of my little sister’s friends decided they wanted the ‘Mike Loucks experience’ and I was all too happy to oblige!”

Lara laughed and shook her head, “Clarissa is right about you being a nut!”

“And a pig.”

Lara shook her head, “Be honest, Mike! Did you ever do anything that the girls didn’t want to do? And did you pursue anyone with the express intent of getting them into bed? I’m not excusing sin, mind you, but I’m pretty sure this is a secular conversation, for all intents and purposes.”

“It is, and we’ll get to the non-secular side in a minute. Anyway, I basically accused Tasha of lying to herself, to Nik, and, at least in a sense, to me, I implied quite strongly that I was sure she’d been with guys other than Nik and me.”

“Is that any of your business? I mean, seriously, Mike.”

“No, it’s not, except in one aspect — Tasha being dishonest with herself and being dishonest with Nik. I said, quite clearly, that I didn’t want Tasha to answer my questions nor address my implications, beyond self-examination. The very last thing I said to her, when she said that she’d decided to go home, was ’The truth shall set you free’.”

“She decided not to spend the night?”

“After I told her that if she stayed, she was sleeping in the guest room, as I’d suggested to you was a possibility. I foreclosed any possibility of sleeping together and made it clear I wasn’t going to change my mind.”

“How do I factor into this?” Lara asked as I put a plate of waffles on the table and sat down.

I said the blessing, then answered her question.

“I got on Tasha’s case for saying it was because of you, when it wasn’t. OK, yes, I did consider how it might affect our relationship, but based on what you said, I felt Tasha sleeping over didn’t violate anything I’d said to you, and I’m pretty sure you actually expected it.”

“I did. I expected it with Kari as well, but given what happened, maybe not. But again, as I said, you have no obligation to tell me at this point, and it’s probably better if you don’t, unless you think I absolutely need to know.”

“Thanks. The other thing Tasha and I discussed is what I can only call a crisis of faith.”

“So you finally admit it?” Lara asked.

“How long have you known?”

“I’d say from August 26th, but it was totally obvious on our way back from the monastery. And from what you said, I think Father Roman knew it, which is why his instruction to you was to pray the Jesus Prayer and limit yourself to one cup of coffee. Think about that in light of what everyone knows about your usual ascetic behavior.”

“Except with regard to sex.”

“It feels good, and it’s the most fun you can have with your clothes on or off!” Lara said with a smile.

I laughed, “Elizaveta made a similar comment after we’d been married for about a year, when we went skinny dipping and then fooled around in the swimming pool at my in-laws’ house.”

“Elizaveta Loucks? Skinny dipping? Sex outside?”

I chuckled, “Yes, but remember, that was private, not public. Maintaining proper decorum as Matushka did not preclude enjoying sex with her husband!”

Lara smirked, “I think Tasha might be tame compared to Elizaveta!”

“You might be right,” I chuckled. “I related all of that so that I could point out that Elizaveta knew Tasha was a phony in July 1985. Don’t get me wrong, though. Tasha absolutely may have a private life which is different from her public one; I certainly do, as do you. Where it went wrong was hiding her private life from her betrothed.”

“But did Nik have any right to know? Be serious now please; if I hadn’t been a virgin when we met, would that have made any difference in your mind?”

“No, of course not. And no, Nik didn’t have a right to know, but that doesn’t absolve Tasha of her error because she revealed it to him when it was a fait accompli. Which is the same error I made with regard to how much experience I actually had compared to what I led Elizaveta to believe.

“I had this debate with Doctor Mercer, and as angry as I am with her, I have to admit she was right about my initial choice of allowing Elizaveta to assume I had only been with Jocelyn and Tasha. She tried to guess others at first, but I steadfastly refused to reveal anything, and eventually she got over it. Well, she did raise it from time to time in appropriate contexts, such as discussing how I’d react to my daughter having a string of lovers.”

“How would you react?”

I chuckled, “Badly, but not such that Rachel would know it. You and I have discussed my take on teenage sexuality, and you know I believe all we can do is teach and guide, not control.”

“I agree with you.”

“Anyway, circling back to my spiritual struggle, I admitted to Tasha that it was a result of Elizaveta’s death, what happened with Angie, what happened with Bishop ARKADY, what happened to Sandy, what happened to Lee, the stress of medical school, having to be a single parent to Rachel, and all the rumor and innuendo. I also said that I was sure there are things I probably don’t even realize which are affecting me. And I admitted I liked the results.”

Lara laughed, “Me spending Sunday nights, and you enjoying the charms of the drama student at Doctor Blahnik’s house?”

“Among others,” I replied with a grin. “Tasha assumed, from context, I meant I liked not going to church, and that’s true, too. I’d say, and I’m going to use this term advisedly, the fornication is a direct result of the spiritual crisis.”

“I’m going to guess you went down this path at Taft.”

“Not quite as far, but yes, I did.”

“I do have to ask — your sister’s friends, when was that?”

“Around the time they graduated from High School.”

“Which was around the time both Sarah and I had the most amazing first times possible!”

I chuckled, “I was suffering from an overabundance of opportunity!”

Lara laughed, “One which you thoroughly enjoyed!”

“Obviously.”

“I have to ask this question, and you have to answer — are you at all tempted to drink or pilfer drugs to self-medicate?”

“Orgasms seem to work just fine, and that is the one approved method for doctors to self-medicate!”

Lara laughed, “That’s just too funny!”

“The three main ways doctors cope with stress are alcohol, drugs, and sex. The first two get you sent to rehab and can cost you your medical license. The third one not so much.”

“That would just cost you your marriage, if you have one.”

“The first two can do that, too. And you know my rule about the hospital.”

“A good one, so long as you actually stick to it.”

“No banging nursing students in the on-call room. I promise.”

“You know my take on that right now — it’s up to you, though I think that’s a very good policy, given the end result for the med student who did that.”

“Yes, but that was about missing a code, which was caused by not following the rules about changing batteries in his pager. The salacious details certainly didn’t help him, and made defending himself nigh on impossible. If he’d been on a smoke break, he’d at least have had some support. Being caught in flagrante delicto, and I mean literally in the act, doomed him.”

“You held that against him?” Lara asked.

“No, because I focused on the failure to follow instructions and missing the code page. The expulsion was not unreasonable. I wouldn’t have made that decision, but the role of the student committee is not to substitute our judgment for the Dean’s, but to evaluate if what he did was reasonable, considering the ethical guidelines, as well as hospital and medical school policy.”

“You overturned one decision, right?”

“Yes, because there was insufficient evidence to support the charge. And it appears to have been correct, as the student involved has a sterling record and is in the top twenty percent of his class. I don’t believe he intentionally let the other student copy, and nobody showed a bit of evidence that he did.”

“Going back to your crisis of faith — what now?”

“I continue saying my morning and evening prayers with Rachel when I’m home, alone when I’m not, as well as praying the Jesus Prayer while I’m working. I go to church on Nativity and Theophany, speak to Father Roman in about two weeks, then reëvaluate for February, when my schedule changes. I simply don’t think going to church is spiritually healthy for me.”

“That’s a pretty significant statement.”

“I agree. I had a similar feeling when all the crap hit the fan with regard to Bishop ARKADY, Tasha’s dad, and Holy Transfiguration. And you know Doctor Evgeni treated me for stress.”

“I remember. May I make a suggestion?”

“Always.”

“Go to church during Great Lent as often as your schedule allows, but don’t just go to Saint Michael. Go to the Cathedral, to Holy Transfiguration, and even Saint George, which I know you want to do so you can see Angie.”

“An interesting idea. Why?”

“To break the pattern and ensure you don’t get sucked back in before you’re ready. You know yourself well enough to know that will happen.”

“I’ll need to discuss that with Father Roman.”

“I thought he wasn’t your «старец» (staretz).” (“Spiritual Director”)

“He’s not, but if he discerned my spiritual state from that brief conversation, he will be, eventually.”

“OK. Would you promise me one thing?”

“Of course.”

“That whatever advice he gives you, you discuss it with Clarissa, Doctor Blahnik, or me?”

“Interesting choice of people.”

“Who better to make sure your head is screwed on straight than your three closest friends? I’d have included Peter, but he doesn’t get your spiritual side at all, and neither does Robby, though I think he’s much closer to understanding given he’s going to be chrismated on Holy Saturday.”

“Robby is going to be the proverbial ‘married in’ with a Greek wife. He’ll do the right things, say the right things, but he’s not going to buy into the whole program. And that’s OK. God meets us where we are, not where we ought to be.”

“May I play amateur psychologist for a moment?”

“Yes.”

“I think one of the sources of your problem is that, in effect, you never really deal with all the psychological stress, and that’s a direct result of your absolute faith in God and your determination to love everyone, no matter what. I know you say you forgive people, and I suspect you really mean that, but in doing so you, in effect, accept all the abuse and just take it lying down.”

“And why would I do that?” I asked, prompting her.

“Oh, I know,” she sighed. “Your answer is that you are emulating Jesus, and I get that, I really do. It’s the ideal. But you also aren’t deified yet, Mike, and that means you have to acknowledge that you aren’t truly able to simply shrug off all the crap. You appear to be able to do it to everyone, but inside, you’re a complete mess. And in this case, I don’t think spiritual counseling is what you need.”

I nodded, “I said as much to Tasha, which, of course, was met with her bullshit skepticism of psychology and psychiatry, which I called her out about. In addition, I called her out on her stupid idea that gays and lesbians choose who they are attracted to, even though Tasha admits she didn’t choose. I also told her, directly, I wasn’t going to put up with her bullshit.”

“Yulia’s situation is really affecting you, isn’t it?” Lara asked.

“Yes, of course. And what happened with Sandy. And with Jocelyn, whom I didn’t mention before. All of those prove to me, beyond any shadow of a doubt, what I already knew — mental health care is vital and necessary, and we do a piss-poor job of it. And that’s not helped by large swaths of Christians rejecting it as ‘covering for sin’ or some other nonsense.