Chapter 56: Audition and Analysis

December 19, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

I remembered what Clarissa had said, but Lexie had, in effect, jumped the queue, and taken the ‘The next girl who offers’ spot. I’d also made the point about being cautious and careful with the girls from Church. There was also my point about girls being eighteen, though Irina was a Senior, and would certainly turn eighteen and graduate before I made a decision.

That said, I was attracted to Irina, who was pretty and curvy in all the right places. She wasn’t nearly as curvy as José’s new friend, Maria, who was what I would call ‘voluptuous’. Irina had nice hips, modest breasts, and full lips, along with a winning smile and a great personality. Was that enough to overcome a five-month shortfall in age?

I quickly considered the correct course of action, and taking into account everything that had happened with Kari and Lexi, and my conversation with Clarissa, I decided that this was not a time for complete spontaneity, even if it in some ways mimicked what had happened with Kari. I felt a bit of levity could head off that kind of disaster.

“I’ve been accused, rightfully,” I said, “of missing clues or not paying attention, but I’m positive I’d have remembered if that was on Serafima’s list!”

“It wasn’t, silly! She wouldn’t say that to you, and it’s not up to her! It’s up to us! And trust me, all of us are interested! And that’s Elizaveta’s fault for telling us how out of this world it was!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, because my Kitten had, unintentionally, encouraged all her friends to have sex with me. Of course, had she lived, nothing would have come of it, because I would never have considered it, even if one of the girls had tried to entice me.

“Just how much did she tell you?” I asked.

“I don’t know what she said to the other girls, but she and I had a fairly detailed conversation after I saw you at the clinic and before Prom. She gave me very good advice, and included some, well, salacious details! But it was because I asked about stuff I was kind of clueless about. Sex ed obviously hid all the good stuff!”

“Obviously,” I replied. “Parents want to keep it a complete secret from kids, especially teenagers.”

Irina rolled her eyes, “As if! And the stupid ‘abstinence only’ stuff is dumber than ‘Just say no to drugs’!”

“Both of those are completely in line with traditional Orthodox teaching, and also completely foolish and impractical as government policy. May I ask what Matushka advised?”

Irina smiled, “She reminded me about the teachings of the Church, then we had a good talk. She asked if I felt as if I had to do it or was expected to do it, as opposed to wanting to do it. I told her that I was going with a Senior who wasn’t Orthodox, and I knew it was a thing that happened a lot, so I wanted to be prepared. He totally hadn’t asked me to have sex, and Prom was actually our first real date. We’d met at football and basketball games before that.”

“Orthodox guys have the same idea for their Senior Prom,” I replied with a smile.

Irina laughed, “You?”

I nodded, “Yes. The girl and I had dated most of the year, and I asked. She said ‘yes’, but then changed her mind right after the dance.”

“That’s just rude!” Irina exclaimed.

I shook my head, “It was the best thing that ever happened. She’d have taken that as a commitment to marry, but she was adamant she wouldn’t set foot in an Orthodox church.”

“Did you know that?”

“I’d invited her a few times, and she’d always declined. We had a long talk that night and ended up breaking up because she told me she’d never go to my church. Of course, she accused me of breaking up with her because she wouldn’t sleep with me, but that wasn’t true. She never did believe me, even after she got pregnant later in the Summer by another guy and tried to convince me to get back together. I made the point about going to church and she rejected the idea once again.”

“I don’t think ‘sleep’ was what either of you had in mind!”

“Euphemistically, silly girl!”

“I know! Anyway, Matushka and I discussed it, and her advice was to think it through and decide beforehand what I wanted to do so that I wasn’t caught up in an Asia song!”

I laughed, “Nice. I have that album, and it was one of Elizaveta’s favorites.”

“Anyway, I asked for information none of us girls had because sex ed was dumb and nobody believed the locker-room talk!”

“Good thing, because it’s a source of seriously bad information!”

“I remember one girl swearing up and down that you can’t get pregnant your first time!”

“I can point to several young women who fervently wish that were actually the case.”

“Oh, I’m sure! Same with the girls who said that when a guy has an orgasm, you could fill a glass with it!”

I laughed, hard, “Not even a shot glass! It’s a teaspoon or two at most. According to my medical textbook, there are something like twenty million sperm, on average, per millilitre of ejaculate, and for healthy men my age, between three and five millilitres of ejaculate. So around a hundred million sperm each time. And going back to the shot glass comparison, that’s around 45ml, I think, so about a tenth of a shot glass.”

“A hundred million in that small amount?”

“Yep. And it only takes one.”

“Who knew?” Irina asked.

“Nobody who takes eighth grade sex ed, that’s for sure!” I declared.

“Anyway, Matushka corrected my thinking, then explained how things work in detail. Again, who knew? She also made several comments about how good certain things felt, but I had the impression she was trying to give me advice, not brag. Anyway, the last thing she said was to remind me of the ideal, and that I could ask her questions if I needed to. I thought about it and decided I wanted to do it if he did.

“While we were dancing, it was obvious he liked me, if you know what I mean, and when he suggested we go someplace private, I agreed. He was totally inexperienced, same as me, and I was totally unimpressed by the results. I went back to talk to Matushka the next day and told her what had happened and she wasn’t surprised, as I guess that happens a lot. Was your first time like that?”

“No. The young woman got a copy of The Joy of Sex, read it, and then proceeded to use everything she learned to teach me and help me perform to her satisfaction!”

“And she was satisfied?”

“We were both very happy after spending a few days in a hotel room.”

“And Elizaveta seemed VERY happy.”

Quite an understatement if there ever was one!

“Whatever she expressed about that will have to remain between the two of you,” I replied, “as I don’t think I should say anything in that regard.”

“So, the long and short of it is the guy didn’t ask me out again. Matushka thought he might have been embarrassed at his underwhelming performance. It didn’t seem as if he was trying for a notch in his belt, if you know what I mean.”

“And you kept taking your prescription?”

“I thought another opportunity might arise with him, but as I said, he didn’t call. I’ve been on a few dates this year, but I really want an Orthodox guy. I think the right Roman Catholic guy would work, but Protestant guys do NOT get it! And they don’t get it, either!”

“What’s your plan?”

Irina laughed softly, “A very successful audition!”

“I meant for your future, beyond this afternoon!”

“I want to teach elementary school. I applied to Taft for the education program, and I have good grades and good SAT scores, so I should get in. My alternates are UC and Xavier.”

“And marriage? Kids?”

“Will my answer to those affect the next eight hours?”

“In a sense, anything could affect what happens, so I prefer you to be honest.”

“Total honesty?”

“That’s the best path to success.”

“I don’t think I should marry before I have some college experience, so that would be two to three years. I don’t have a problem with Rachel, obviously, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to wait two or three years AND not have a committed relationship because I wanted freedom for a few years.”

“That makes perfect sense, and you’re right that three years of what would amount to an open relationship isn’t what I’m looking for. I totally understand the ‘college experience’ bit because it helped me grow and become who I am. To be honest, that was my one concern with Elizaveta, but she turned out to be more mature than I was.”

“She was pretty amazing.”

“Yes, she was. How about you tell me what you want?”

“I thought that was clear! An audition!”

“Our timelines are sufficiently different that even a successful audition isn’t likely to change that.”

“Can you predict the future?”

“Obviously not,” I sighed.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s OK. We both miss her and there isn’t anything we can do but move forward.”

“What I was going to say is that maybe things work out such that you’re still available in two or three years. Then you’ll remember the successful audition and come talk to me!”

“So like betting on the ‘Pass’ line!”

“The what?”

“It’s part of a casino game called Craps, and it means betting that the shooter, that is the person rolling the dice, will win on a future roll.”

“Or putting money in the bank to collect interest, though in this case, the payoff is the ‘deposit’!”

I laughed, “Cute. Rachel is going to stir any moment, so if you can wait until her afternoon nap, we can complete your audition.”

Irina hugged me, kissed my cheek, then excused herself to go to the kitchen to make lunch. I went to my study, got my copy of The Lancet, and sat on the couch to wait for either lunch to be ready, or for me to hear Rachel over the baby monitor. I couldn’t concentrate on the medical journal because I was mulling over the events of the past week in my mind, from Oksana’s first visit to the disaster with Kari to the conversation with Clarissa to my encounter with Lexie and my intended encounter with Irina.

I’d told Clarissa that I’d be with Tasha and Sheila, and Kari, if she returned. And there was no doubt in my mind now that several of the girls from church intended to have complete ‘auditions’ for the role of mom and wife. I had to ask myself if I was getting out of control, rebelling, or rebounding, or some combination of the three. But before I began that analysis, I promised myself I would not renege on my acceptance of Irina’s offer of a ‘complete’ audition. The last thing I wanted was another Kari situation.

The first thought that came to mind was about Maryam, and how she’d react to discovering my behavior. And that was actually part of a larger question — that what I was doing was blatantly and intentionally sinful. I had done that before Elizaveta, to the point where Clarissa had jokingly said that I had a ‘playboy lifestyle’ that would have to end if I wanted to be with Maggie. It had ended when I decided I wanted to be with Elizaveta.

It had started again, and I’d rationalized being with Annette as a test, and as a way to hopefully get past the emotional and mental block which had created temporary impotence. Then I’d decided that because I’d done that, it was OK to fulfill Anicka’s fantasy. I almost laughed out loud because it was, if I was honest with myself, my fantasy as well!

Sandy had, at one point, teased that Derek and Anicka would swap with Sandy and me, and I was absolutely positive that was true, and wondered if that might somehow have made a difference for Sandy. I still felt, quite strongly, that somehow our study group had failed Sandy, but I had no idea what we might have done differently. Pete was, from what I could tell, a loving, caring partner, and we’d done what we could to try to reduce stress, but nothing had worked.

As I thought further about the situation, I wondered about my conversation with Father Nicholas and my motivations with regard to attending services. Was it really just being annoyed about the reaction to Kari? Or was it wanting to avoid scrutiny and uncomfortable questions in confession? I knew myself well enough that I’d eventually confess, and that led to my conscience accusing me of ‘gaming the system’ by sinning, knowing I could go to confession later.

The thing was, and I had to admit it to myself, that was nearly always the case. We didn’t sin accidentally, it was always intentional, and we all knew that reconciliation was available through confession. If my mom was right, in the end, the question of my ultimate fate would come down to a single question — did I love God. There was no grade sheet or evaluation, simply a ‘yes/no’ question, which I felt I could confidently answer ‘yes’.

The next question was one I’d discussed with Father Herman and Father Nicholas, and that was who I was hurting with my behavior. Father Nicholas had pointed to Tasha and Nik, but the situation was far more complex than just Tasha having had sex with me. Fundamentally, she and Nik were not compatible because their world views differed dramatically, and Tasha’s public and private personae were very different.

That raised the question of who Tasha really was. Clarissa was convinced that I had created a false image of Tasha in my mind, and I had to admit there was a possibility that was true. But it wasn’t just Clarissa! Right before I’d consummated my four-year lust for Tasha, Liz had sarcastically referred to her as ‘Perfect Tasha! Beautiful Tasha! Russian Tasha! Pure, Virginal Tasha!’

While it was true that Tasha was beautiful and had been a virgin, she was anything but pure. And that made me wonder just how much truth there was to Clarissa’s observation. I suspected far more than I would have imagined, given something I’d said about Tasha numerous times — that Tasha’s virtue wasn’t safe from Tasha!

It was entirely possible, I realized, that she’d had other lovers after me and before Nik, and potentially after Nik. I’d let my image of her color my thinking, though in one sense it didn’t matter, as Tasha’s sex life was hers to manage, just as mine was mine to manage. But a conversation might actually benefit both of us, and that I could do when she visited without making a mess of things, as I’d only promised to discuss things with her.

I heard Rachel fuss, and was about to go to get her when I remembered Irina’s request, so I went to the kitchen.

“Rachel is stirring,” I said. “I can get her if you need to stay here.”

“Let me turn the soup on simmer and put the bread back in the oven to stay warm and the butter back in the fridge.”

“OK. Do you know what to do?”

“I think so, but you should probably look over my shoulder to be sure.”

We went upstairs, and I watched as Irina changed Rachel’s diaper, which Rachel tolerated. We went downstairs, and I held Rachel and supervised Irina making Rachel’s bottle, then handed Rachel to Irina, which proved to be a mistake as Rachel fussed and refused her bottle.

“What’s wrong?” Irina asked.

“She wants Daddy,” I said. “And I suspect she wants the rocking chair, too. Let’s go to the study.”

We did, and I took Rachel and sat down in the rocker and she immediately accepted the bottle.

“She doesn’t like me,” Irina observed.

“Actually, I suspect she’s suspicious of anyone new right now because she met someone new today and they jabbed her with a needle, something about which she was decidedly unhappy. To compound things, that was after she was undressed in a cold exam room and put on the scale. I’d say that’s the biggest part of it.

“You never even held her before five minutes ago, so she’s suspicious of you. I think she just needs to get used to you. She didn’t like Clarissa at first, either, but warmed up to her. The only girl Rachel instantly took to, for some reason, is Lara, but I’m pretty sure that’s because Lara began caring for her when she was a newborn. If you hang around enough, she’ll get used to you and be fine.”

“I don’t think my dad would be happy if I moved in!” Irina said mirthfully.

“That’s a conversation I would very much prefer to avoid! Your dad is a nice guy, but I suspect you moving in would be way over his ‘nice guy’ limit!”

“Me getting a kiss is probably over my dad’s ‘nice guy’ limit! That’s why I mostly meet the guys at football or basketball games, or at dances, or occasionally with small groups. Dad needs the fiction!”

“What about your mom?”

“She’s not as bad, but some things she simply does not need to know!”

“Does she know you’re auditioning?”

Irina laughed, “PART of it! She does NOT know about the best part of it! She made it quite clear that I’m supposed to wait until I’m married! Too late!”

“Elizaveta said the same thing to you.”

“Yes, but she also wasn’t preachy about it. She simply reminded me about the teachings of the Church, then answered all my questions. It’s sort of like how you handle Sunday School when you give the official answers, but also talk about the real world. We do wish you wouldn’t refuse to answer some questions!”

“I hear you,” I replied. “But I have to follow the bishop’s guidelines and what he permits. I’ve always been willing to provide my personal opinions in private. That’s how Elizaveta handled things with you — in public she explained the ideal to the girls, but in private she was willing to answer any question you asked, right?”

“Most any! Some things she refused to answer!”

“Some things do have to be kept confidential,” I replied. “I suspect you were asking for details she felt were inappropriate.”

“You suspect correctly, but I think the secrets are about to unfold upstairs before the night’s too old!”

I laughed, “Rod Stewart’s girl was a virgin, not that it matters. Are the musical references for my benefit?”

“Of course! We all know you love music.”

I picked up a cloth from the pile on the table next to the rocking chair and put it over my shoulder, then took the bottle from Rachel and put her on my shoulder to burp her.

“Would you like to try again?” I asked. “You can sit in the rocking chair.”

“Sure.”

I got up and walked with Rachel until she burped, then had Irina sit in the rocking chair. I handed Rachel to her along with the bottle and was grateful when my daughter didn’t refuse her bottle. Rachel finished her bottle, Irina burped her, then gave her to me and we went to the kitchen to have our lunch of soup, freshly baked bread, and butter.