Chapter 54: Für Elizaveta

December 16, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

Kari and I finished lunch before Rachel woke up, and after I changed and fed Rachel, we put her down on the rug in front of the fireplace. When I sat down on the couch, Kari sat very close so that our shoulders and hips touched. I took that as an invitation, and put my arm around her.

“Think she’d mind if we kissed?” Kari asked.

“I doubt she’ll notice,” I replied. “And if she does, she’ll just assume it’s normal. Kids have to be taught to be modest. The average toddler would run around naked if their parents didn’t insist they wear clothes.”

Kari laughed, “I remember one of my cousins, when we were little, was constantly taking off his clothes during the Summer because he said it was too hot. His mom totally wigged out.”

“Modesty is appropriate and has its place. The problem is what’s being taught is that our bodies are evil and that sex is bad. Those are Augustinian ideas which I simply can’t abide.”

“You’ve mentioned that guy several times.”

“He is, in my opinion, where the West went wrong, and the Roman Catholics and Protestants all follow him to some degree.”

“I thought your church taught sex outside of marriage is wrong.”

“It does, as we discussed. But in the context of marriage, well, the Bible verse that comes to mind is ’Rejoice in the breasts of the wife of your youth’.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes! It’s a poetic way of saying not to stray from your wife just because you’ve both grown old. That verse, along with others, such as those in the Song of Solomon, make it clear that erotic love, in the right context, is not just OK, but desirable. There’s more sex, violence, and intrigue in the Bible than your average daily soap opera!”

“No way!”

“The Old Testament is chock full of it! And the Bible has all kinds of earthy passages, though they’re mostly cleaned up in modern Bibles.”

“Such as?”

“When Paul is refuting the idea of circumcision being a requirement, he says that people who teach that should prove they mean it and cut off their entire penis!”

“What?!”

“In modern Bibles, it’s often stated as ‘go the whole way’ or something similar. Paul also says that everything he did to try to please God before he became a follower of Jesus was shit. It’s often translated ‘refuse’ or sometimes ‘dung’, but he uses an earthy word. In the Old Testament, well, Song of Solomon is pretty hot. The female refers to her lover by comparing him to the ‘cedars of Lebanon’ which I think is obvious. The male lover says he wants to drink from her navel, at least in modern translations. The problem is that if you follow the pattern, he speaks about her legs, then her rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine, then her waist, then her breasts. Where is your belly button in relation to your waist?”

“THERE IS JUST NO WAY!” Kari protested.

I chuckled, got up, went to the study, retrieved a Bible, and returned. I found the passage and read it aloud —

Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands. Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.

“Let me see that!”

I showed her the passage, and she just shook her head. I contemplated the ‘be all, end all’ verse and decided to show her that one, too.

“Turn to Ezekiel 23,” I said.

“Is there an index or table of contents?”

“Yes, but in my head, too! Turn forward until you come to Ezekiel. It’s four books after Song of Solomon. Just look at the top and see where you are and turn several pages at a time. If you come to Daniel, you’ve gone too far.”

She flipped pages until she reached Ezekiel.

“Now find Chapter 23, verse 20.”

She read it and looked up, “What am I missing?”

“This is where what I said about cleaning it up comes into play. In this case, substitute ‘genitals’ for ‘members’ and ‘emission’ for ‘issue’.”

“IT CAN’T MEAN THAT!” she protested, blushing.

“Yes, it can, and it does. The best translation would be something along the lines of ’There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses’, or to put it vulgarly, they were hung like donkeys and came like horses!”

“You’re joking!”

“One sec,” I said.

I went back to my study and pulled down a copy of the NIV — the New International Version — which was a tendentious translation that Tim Sadler used, but which also, hilariously, used the same translation I’d just given Kari.

“Here’s the standard Protestant Bible used by most of the Bible churches around here. It has fewer books because they took it upon themselves to take out stuff they didn’t like, and it has some very questionable translations, BUT this is one used by conservative Bible churches.”

I found the passage and showed it to her.

“Holy crap!” she gasped.

“I should mention the contest for who could kill the most enemies, which was settled by counting foreskins removed by David and Saul.”

“Seriously?”

“That is what it says. To prove they killed someone, they circumcised them and brought the foreskins back as trophies.”

“What the heck?”

“Hey, I didn’t write the stuff, I just read it! Let’s just say that there were times when the Hebrews were a bloodthirsty lot! There’s a lot more, such as the King who was murdered sitting on the chamber pot and had his guts spill out, along with feces, a father tricking someone into marrying the wrong daughter, a man offering his daughters to a rape gang, and those same daughters later seducing him. It goes on and on.”

“Weird! I had no idea!”

“A lot of people don’t, because they often limit their reading to Psalms and the New Testament, and if they read the rest of the Old Testament, it’s mostly Genesis and Exodus, and sometimes the Prophets.”

“I take it you’ve read the whole thing?”

“Multiple times, and if you follow the lectionary, you read the entire New Testament every year, and the Psalms multiple times. And that doesn’t include other Scripture which is used during worship services or in private prayer.”

“I bet you don’t teach this stuff in Sunday School!”

I chuckled, “Mostly not, though I have explained the verses by Paul about circumcision because there is a theological point. The girls all laugh and the boys all wince.”

“I can imagine!”

I put the Bibles away, and anticipating what was coming next, secreted something from my medical bag in my pocket, then went back to sit next to Kari.

“So, about that kiss?” she prompted.

We exchanged a sexy French kiss, and when we broke it, Kari asked the question I’d expected, given what I’d said to her the other night.

“So, would you like to take off my sweater?” she asked sexily.

I nodded, reached into my pocket, and produced bandage scissors. I grasped the hem and Kari’s eyes went wide.

“You wouldn’t dare!” she exclaimed.

I laughed, “Being a guy, a dare is exactly why I’d do it! But I was teasing.”

“Good thing, or it would cost you twenty-eight bucks!”

“Hmm...” I teased and leered at her.

Kari laughed, “You are a goofball!”

“Thank you!”

“$32 for the jeans, $20 for the underwear,” she smirked.

“Tempting!” I chuckled.

“Go for it!” Kari exclaimed.

“I’m not sure we’re ready for that step,” I said.

“You don’t want to?”

“Oh, I do,” I replied. “But are you sure enough that this is leading where you think it’s going to lead to do that?”

“I guess you want to have a serious conversation.”

“I think that would be best.”

“It kind of spoils the mood,” she said, frowning. “I mean, I tell you in all seriousness to use those scissors to cut off my clothes and you’re suddenly hesitant?”

“Sorry, but it’s a big step.”

“Is it? Really? I think you might be putting more value on my virginity than I do.”

“And that, right there, is a reason why we need to discuss this before we do what you obviously want to do.”

“You realize that it’s totally not the same now?” she said, clearly frustrated. “It was going to be spontaneous and fun, and you turned it into a philosophy or morals discussion.”

“I sincerely apologize,” I said. “I’m not sure what else to say at this point.”

“Me, either,” she replied. “There isn’t actually a way to fix it.”

She had a point, and I’d made a huge mistake because she had responded in a way I hadn’t expected her to. I’d ruined the mood, and there wasn’t any way to recapture it, even in the future. I felt like a complete idiot because I’d set the mood, then dumped a bucket of cold water on it.

“So, now what?” I asked.

“I think I’m going back to campus,” she said, getting up.

“What about our regular Monday date?” I asked apprehensively.

“Let me think about it. I’ll call you on Sunday evening.”

“I really am sorry,” I said, chagrined.

“Me, too.”

I walked her to the door, she put on her hat, coat, and gloves and left the house. After I closed the door, I went back to the couch, picked up the scissors, and returned them to my medical bag. I returned to the great room, picked up Rachel, and carried her to the study, where I sat in the rocking chair.

“Papa really messed up,” I said. “He really hurt Kari and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He might not be able to fix it, and that would make him sad because he likes her a lot.”

Rachel, obviously, had no comment about Daddy’s mistake, and Clarissa was on shift in the pediatric practice, so I couldn’t call her. In the end, all I could do was wait to speak to Clarissa after my twenty-four-hour shift as we’d planned.

December 17, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

“You look very unhappy, Petrovich,” Clarissa said when she arrived at the house on Thursday evening. “Problems with Doctor Rosenbaum?”

“No, I have him boxed into a corner because no matter what he asks me to do, I do it willingly and happily. It’s driving him nuts.”

“Then what’s bugging you?”

“Does your agreement with Tessa allow for cuddling?”

“Uh-oh,” Clarissa said. “That means it’s bad. And yes, it does. Is this a couch cuddle or a bed cuddle?”

“We’d better stick to the couch.”

“But lying down, right?”

“Sure.”

I lay down on the couch on my back, and Clarissa lay half on top of me. I wrapped my arms around her and she put one hand on my side and her head on my chest, then sighed deeply.

“OK,” she said a minute later, “what happened.”

I explained what had happened with Kari in full detail, starting with her offer to me to take off her sweater on Monday night and ending with Kari leaving the house frustrated.

“I’m not sure you could have done anything differently, Mike,” Clarissa said. “OK, that’s not true, but you know what I mean. The Mike who had the threesome would have used the bandage scissors; the Mike who is a single dad, wouldn’t. And I think your prediction of how she would react was reasonable, even if it turned out to be dead wrong. But you had no clue she’d take it all the way, so to speak.”

“All that is true,” I replied. “But it’s also the case that I wrecked what should have been a fun, spontaneous first time for her, and there’s no way for me to fix it. I don’t think she was being reckless or anything, it was just the perfect spontaneous moment and I ruined it for her.”

“Yeah, I don’t see how you can fix that specific thing, no matter what you do. I guess my question is what your goal is.”

“Right now? Just to go out with her again, but it’s not clear that she’ll want to.”

“I think leaving was probably OK because she was frustrated, but if she doesn’t want to see you again, that strikes me as immature. I know it hurts because you messed up, but better to discover if she’s immature now, rather than later.”

“A reasonable point. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens and what she says when she calls me on Sunday. Obviously, we’ll need to talk it through.”

“I’m not sure that’s as obvious as you think it is,” Clarissa counseled. “I’d say, just from what you’ve said, that for her, it was about the right guy and the right time, not a moral or ethical thing. I knew quite a few girls like that in High School and at Taft. It wasn’t that they felt their virginity was something they had to protect at all costs, but they were looking for the right guy at the right time. For some of them in High School, it was Prom. Sound familiar?”

“Yes. April and me.”

“At this point, you know Kari thought, at least yesterday afternoon, you were the right guy and it was the right time. I think if I were you I’d just accept that at face value. I strongly suspect if you try to talk about it, you’ll just frustrate her even more. I’m not sure how you can recreate the spontaneity, but maybe you can recreate the mood.”

“How so?”

“If she does want to see you again, and does kiss you, pull out the scissors and start cutting! Worst-case scenario, you give her $28 for her sweater and she leaves and you know it’s over.”

“An interesting idea, but you know how conflicted I am.”

“You were NOT conflicted about Doctor Blahnik once you proved your equipment worked as God intended with Annette!”

“True,” I chuckled. “Though not in the manner God intended!”

“Mike, can I say something that might piss you off?”

“NOW you ask that question? Six years later? Seriously?”

Clarissa laughed, “Touché! I think you need to take a break from church, have fun, get your head together, and return when you’re ready.”

“I said the exact same thing to Father Nicholas yesterday morning.”

“What?!”

“I left out the conversation he and I had after he saw Kari at church. It was the same BS I heard about Kimiko, and I pushed back. I told Father I’d make sure Serafima brought Rachel to church, but other than Nativity, I’m not going again, at least until the end of January. My own personal Rumschpringe, as it were.”

“Whoa! And I thought I’d get a huge argument from you!”

“I know. But it’s doing more harm than good right now. Of course, if I’m not seeing Kari, that specific concern will go away.”

“Until you meet someone who isn’t Orthodox and Serafima gets her knickers in a knot again!”

“Where did you pick up that term?”

“British sitcoms! Tessa loves them.”

“I did, too, in High School, but I just don’t have time to watch TV. I think the last thing I watched was the 11:00pm news at Doctor Cooper’s house.”

“How did things go with Oksana?” Clarissa asked.

“Fine. She came by on Tuesday evening and we hung out. She’s not about to let an opportunity escape, though she’s concerned about being a mom at nineteen without being a couple first. I totally get that, and it’s entirely possible she won’t be comfortable with the idea.”

“It is a big step. Kari seemed to be doing OK, right?”

“Yes.”

“Who’s up next?”

“Irina,” I replied. “But according to Oksana, the only one of the girls who would marry me immediately, without any reservations, is Sara, who’s a Junior and seventeen. Oksana also mentioned Natalie from Holy Transfiguration, who is nineteen and working for Mr. Orlov, but Oksana indicated that Natalie is very unhappy living at home.”

“Poisoning the well?” Clarissa asked.

“I don’t think so. Oksana was a bit reluctant to reveal what the girls had spoken about and how they felt, but I think, in the end, she decided that honesty and openness were the winning strategies, so to speak. I’d never reveal what she told me to anyone except you.”

“So, the other girls?”

“Are possibly interested, but not the way Oksana is. If you recall, she was obviously interested several years ago, and was the first one Tasha suggested because she felt Elizaveta was too young. That was the year before Elizaveta accosted me, and Oksana is a year older, so she was fifteen and I was nineteen. Oksana was bothered that I basically ignored her, and rightly so. Serafima’s complaint, which echoed Elizaveta’s, is accurate.”

“So you’re going to stick to Orthodox girls, then?”

“No. I’ll go along with Serafima’s plan to keep the peace, so to speak, but I strongly suspect that if I see Oksana a few more times, she’ll put the word out that I’m off-limits, and the girls will honor that. Oksana is coming to the concert tomorrow night, but it’s not a date.”

“Are you seeing anyone else?”

“Lara, after a fashion, though she decided to escalate. And me being me, we talked about it and I asked her to wait a week and ask again.”

“And she was fine with that because she wasn’t sure if you would agree AND she got her spontaneous first time!”

“Sort of. If you recall, we were interrupted by Dean Anderson and a visit from the McKinley cops.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, the moron who was banging a fourteen-year-old in his dorm room.”

“Yeah. But Lara laughed that off and sprang her surprises on me as she’d planned.”

“And remembering that has made you feel even more guilty, hasn’t it?”

“Yes. Tasha is going to visit, and so are Annette and Sheila.”

“You’re going to bang Annette until she can’t walk, talk, or see straight. What about the other two?”

“Conflicted.”

“You should make up your mind before you see them, and if they’re expecting you to take them to bed and you decide not to, you need to tell them before they show up. No repeats of the situation with Kari.”

“Let me think about that,” I replied.

“Isn’t that what got you into trouble yesterday? Too much thinking and not enough acting? Look, I’m not trying to create more conflict, but I think you need the attitude you had before the bishop offered to ordain you. Be spontaneous. Have fun. And sometime in the Summer, think about the future.”

“I’m not sure that’s the wisest course of action.”

“Oh no? What would have happened yesterday if you followed that advice?”

“I wouldn’t have frustrated Kari, and we’d be further along the path.”

“I stand by my advice. If she kisses you again, produce the scissors and go for it! And I’ll challenge you to be spontaneous. The next girl who offers, you just go for it! Well, assuming you’re attracted to her and there isn’t some kind of impediment.”

“Dangerous, Lissa.”

“Maybe, but could you do more damage than you did yesterday?”

“Do NOT ask that question!”

“OK, I get it, but you also know what I mean by that. Being you, you really messed things up for Kari, you regret it, and you have no way to go back and get a do-over. I’m also going to point out that you abandoned an opportunity to be with Tessa and me.”