Chapter 53: Spiritual Health

December 15, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

“Anything interesting happen today?” Lara asked when I arrived home Tuesday evening from my day in the pediatric practice.

“Just routine checkups and inoculations. Not even a sick visit. But I was allowed to take histories, take vitals, and give shots, so it’s not totally boring.”

“You don’t mind doing what you call scut?”

“No. It’s part of learning to practice medicine. Somebody has to do it.”

“I’m going to guess that attitude helps you do well.”

“Well, I can grouse about it all day the way some students and Residents do, and make myself miserable, or I can enjoy my work. I prefer to enjoy my work.”

“You’re still planning on heating the leftover pizza?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow at Vespers.”

“Thanks, Lara. I appreciate it.”

I walked her to the door, we hugged, and once I saw her drive off, I went to check on Rachel, then put the pizza in the oven to heat. I ate, changed, and fed Rachel, then played my guitar for her until the doorbell rang. I put down the guitar and went to open the door for Oksana.

“Hi!” she exclaimed.

“Hi!”

“What’s the plan?”

“I was just playing my guitar for Rachel.”

“You have your concert on Friday, right?”

“Yes, at Taft.”

“Could I still get a ticket?”

“I have some to hand out, and you’re welcome to one of them.”

“Thanks!”

“Is Rachel awake?”

“She just fell asleep about ten minutes ago. Let me put her to bed.”

Oksana went to sit in the great room while I took Rachel up to her crib. I turned on the baby monitor, then went back downstairs and turned on the receiver.

“How well does that work?” Oksana asked.

“Well enough. I can hear her if she fusses, but she’s a really happy and content baby, so that doesn’t happen very often.”

“You’re lucky! I babysit for the Newmans sometimes, and John is totally colicky and wakes up a lot.”

“I take it they’ve had him to see his pediatrician?”

“I have no idea, why?”

“Colic isn’t uncommon, but if it lasts for an extended period of time, it could be that he has some kind of digestive problem.”

“I have no idea, but I’ll mention it to Mrs. Newman. I guess you know a lot about babies?”

“I’ve learned as much from caring for Rachel as I have in school. Pediatrics doesn’t have babies, they all go to the NICU — the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I won’t be assigned there because it’s not my specialty. It’s actually a subspecialty of pediatrics.”

“I always thought doctors learned everything,” Oksana said.

“They learn a little about a lot, but then focus on their specialty. Medical school and a year or two of Residency are all you need to be a primary care physician, you know, a GP or family doctor. Doctor Evgeni is like that. I’ll focus on emergency medicine and surgery, Sophia Vasilakis will be an OB/GYN and my friend Clarissa, whom you’ve met, will focus on Internal Medicine.”

“About her...”

“Yes, she has a girlfriend, and she’s my best friend. That’s not going to change.”

“But...”

“We’re all sinners, Oksana. All of us. Clarissa knows the teachings of the church, just as, say, Vickie did.”

“You mean getting pregnant without being married?”

“Being pregnant isn’t sinful,” I replied with a smile.

“Duh!”

“So, let’s not judge, please. Which do you think is more effective, loving Clarissa and living the Gospel for her to see, or pushing her away, telling her God doesn’t love her?”

“God loves everyone!” Oksana declared.

“Yes, He does,” I agreed. “And we’re called to emulate Him.”

“Is it true that Nik Antipov divorced Tasha because of you?”

I nodded, “Yes. He made that quite clear to anyone who would listen.”

“You don’t think a girl needs to be a virgin when she marries?”

“You know the teaching of the Church in that regard, just as I do.”

“But you obviously weren’t if you and Tasha were together.”

“And I can’t be a hypocrite. I fell short of the ideal, as did Tasha and Vickie. But I fall short of the ideal in many ways, and the way to resolve it is confession.”

“You confessed to being with Tasha?!” Oksana gasped.

“Yes, of course. I didn’t give her name, because that’s not appropriate, but I’m positive Father Nicholas figured it out before he heard it from Nik.”

“Because she confessed?”

“I honestly have no idea, and that’s none of my business. That would be between her and God.”

“May I ask what Father said?”

“What do you think he said?!” I asked with a goofy grin. “He said not to do it!”

Oksana laughed, “OK, yes, but I’m sure he said more than that.”

“He reminded me that God loves me, changed my prayer and fasting rule, and provided guidance and advice. As Father Herman, the former priest at Holy Transfiguration, once said to me, teenagers often fall short of the ideal, and if he were to kick them out of the church or ban them from the Eucharist, he’d very quickly have no congregation. The proper response of the priest is to counsel the penitent in love. That said, a clergyman who violates that rule would immediately be deposed, and someone who was publicly sinning might well be denied the Eucharist.”

“You mean living in sin?”

“Yes. My sin with Tasha was private, and Father Nicholas dealt with it in private. Elizaveta knew, because I couldn’t lie to her about being experienced. Nik made it public, but it had long since been confessed, and obviously Bishop ARKADY elected to ordain me, despite being aware I had fallen short of the ideal.”

“Can I ask two questions?”

“Ask as many as you like. If I can’t answer for some reason, I’ll tell you.’

“If one of the girls were to do what Elizaveta did and basically demand you marry her, what would you do?”

“To put it bluntly, I’d refuse. I am not ready to make a decision like that. The circumstances with Elizaveta were unique, in that Bishop ARKADY wanted to ordain me and I didn’t want to say ‘no’ or delay ordination for years. Elizaveta knew that and seized the opportunity. Things are different now. As much as I think Rachel needs a mom, her needs are being met by Lara, Serafima, Alyssa, my in-laws, other friends, and me. I don’t want that to go on too long, but I’m also not going to let my wishes in that regard force me into a relationship before I’m ready.”

“And, uhm,” she blushed, “if one of the girls were to, uhm, you know, uhm, offer to ... would that change things?”

“No, it wouldn’t,” I replied firmly. “I would never hold a desire to be a virgin on her wedding night against a girl.”

“But, uhm, the girl you’re seeing who isn’t a Christian...”

“Not being a Christian does not make her a temptress who has no self-control and no moral standards! That said, a decision to engage in intimate relations is probably the most private decision there is, and, to be honest, being a Christian makes almost no statistical difference for the age when teenagers lose their virginity.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. The difference, according to my textbooks, is measured in months, and makes a note that the numbers are self-reported. That means that there’s a good chance that some of the respondents lied about how old they were the first time rather than admit sinning. Granted, some might have bragged, but girls usually don’t do that. Let me ask you this — how many girls have you known between the two parishes and the Cathedral who were pregnant without being married?”

“Three or four since the time I understood about having babies and being married.”

“So, three or four in, let’s call it, ten years. Do you think they were the only ones who had sex before they married?”

“No. Tasha obviously didn’t get pregnant before she married Nik. And Debby...”

I held up my hand and interrupted her.

“Let’s not discuss anyone by name, please. The only reason I mentioned Tasha earlier is because Nik made a very public accusation. I’m going to guess that you girls discussed that.”

“I really shouldn’t answer that question,” Oksana replied.

“Which,” I smiled, “says you did.”

“One of the girls did ask Elizaveta if she was angry, and she said you had confessed to her before you married, so she wasn’t angry with you, just with Nik for being a «придурок» (pridurok)!” (“moron” or “jerk”)

I chuckled, “Are you sure that’s the word my wife used? ‘Jerk’ seems a bit mild for her!”

“She might have said a word I would never repeat!”

I was positive about that, as Elizaveta had never held back on her absolute disdain for Nik Antipov, and even as Matushka, amongst her friends, she’d have made her opinion quite clear, using what might otherwise be considered inappropriate language.

“May I ask a question?”

Oksana smiled, “What was it you said? If I can’t answer, I’ll tell you?”

“Of the girls who Serafima has lined up, are they all truly interested?”

Oksana shrugged, “I don’t know for sure, except for Sara, who I know would marry you in a heartbeat!”

“She’s still in High School,” I replied. “And she’s a Junior.”

“And Elizaveta was a Sophomore when you were betrothed! It was the Summer after she turned fifteen when she approached you! Sara just turned seventeen!”

“And I’m also more than two years older than I was when Elizaveta approached me. Seven years is a sizeable gap.”

“She’s only two years younger than I am.”

“Yes, and you’re at the community college, while she’s still in High School.”

“So you aren’t interested in her, then?”

I detected a note of hopefulness in Oksana’s voice.

“She’d have to be eighteen before I’d consider marriage,” I said. “And even then, the age and experience gap is huge.”

“And it wasn’t with Elizaveta?”

“Are you trying to argue me into considering Sara?” I asked lightly.

Oksana laughed softly, “No, but if it were a choice between her and someone who wasn’t a friend, I’d say the same thing Serafima is saying and the same thing Elizaveta said.”

“I’m not asking, but if I were to ask you, what would you say?”

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“I’ve discovered that many things which are seemingly obvious are not. That’s one thing that my experience has shown me.”

“I was interested in you when you first transferred to Saint Michael. If you remember I talked to you a bit. And I told you I had hoped you would notice me, but Elizaveta snuck to the front of the line!”

“Just how long was this line?” I asked with a grin.

Oksana laughed, “All the teen girls thought you were awesome, but we were all young. Elizaveta was twelve, and I was thirteen. But then we grew up, and you didn’t notice until Elizaveta took matters into her own hands.”

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

“I think so, but I’m concerned about being a mom before we’d even be a couple. I love Rachel, don’t get me wrong, but this isn’t what I had planned.”

“Nor is it what I had planned,” I replied. “And your answer doesn’t surprise me because it’s a much different thing to marry, and then have a baby, even if it’s only nine months later, from having your daughter at your crowning!”

“My daughter?”

“I’d expect you to legally adopt her, or whatever it is that’s necessary, such that if something were to happen to me, she’d stay with you. She’d be your daughter in every way.”

“But Elizaveta is her mom!”

“A mom she never knew,” I replied. “That’s very different from a situation where a child is older and knew their biological mom. This is something that’s important to me, and it’s vital that you would see Rachel as your daughter in every way, and not treat her differently from other kids we might have.”

“How many do you want?”

“I always understood that to be up to the wife, not the husband!”

Oksana laughed softly, “So true! But how many?”

“Two or three always seemed right to me.”

“So, one or two more?”

“At least one, yes, but two would be fine. So would more, if that’s what whoever becomes my wife wants. We’d certainly be comfortable with a bunch of kids on a doctor’s salary. How many do you want?”

“I always thought two was a good number, but three would be perfectly fine.”

“So your only actual competition is Sara?”

“And your non-Christian girl! Well, that’s not quite true. I think Natalie from Holy Transfiguration feels the same way Sara does.”

“I barely know her,” I replied. “Is she eighteen?”

“Yes. She graduated in May and is working for Mr. Orlov. She’s really unhappy living at home.”

Which would be a red flag, and something to watch out for. If I was, in effect, an ‘escape route’, that was a portent for trouble in the future, and I’d have to be careful to try to discern if that was the only motivation.

“What about you?”

“As I said, you know my parents. They’re typical Russian parents and aren’t too bad. They don’t bother me, though Dad will want to speak with you before he agrees to a proposal, if you make one.”

“I could do the traditional thing,” I said, “but it has to be up to you, not him. What if he were to say ‘no’?”

“Then he would find out just how Russian I am!” she said fiercely. “But I don’t think he would. Everyone loves you, Mike.”

“Thank you for providing me with inside information.”

Oksana laughed, “You cannot let on to Serafima that I told you our secrets!”

“I promise I won’t. So why are the other girls participating?”

“It’s not that they aren’t interested, they just aren’t ready to marry right away. They all think you’re handsome and will be very successful, but I think you having a daughter gives them pause. Not to mention, some of them want to go to college and have careers.”

“That’s not an impediment,” I replied. “I don’t have a problem with that at all. I encouraged Elizaveta to think about going to college at some point. So long as they went to Taft, it wouldn’t be a problem. As for Rachel, she gives you pause, and I think mostly because she’s your friend’s daughter, which makes you a bit uncomfortable.”

“Yes, but what you said earlier helps. It’s just not what I expected. Can I ask you something else?”

“You don’t have to ask if you can ask.”

“Don’t you think it’s awfully soon?”

“Yes, which is why I’m being cautious. It’s Serafima who has an agenda and who pushed the timing. I was content to take my time.”

“But you were seeing the non-Christian girl!” Oksana protested.

“It just kind of happened,” I said. “I met her, she expressed interest, we talked, and she made it clear she wanted to go on a date. It wasn’t something I planned or was looking for. But once Serafima found out, well, she became her grandmother!”

Oksana laughed, “Mrs. Yakovlev is not someone to mess with!”

“No kidding! My first memory of her was when I visited Saint Michael when I was fourteen, and she bodily dragged a teenage girl from the nave during Matins for wearing a short skirt.”

“Someone actually wore a miniskirt to church?!”

“I’m not sure about the strict definition, but it only came down to mid-thigh.”

And, I didn’t add, she had VERY nice legs!

“That’s just rude and disrespectful!”

“Which I believe was Mrs. Yakovlev’s point! The girl came back about twenty minutes later wearing a skirt which reached her calves.”

“Much more appropriate. You’ve seen how my friends dress — we all wear long skirts or dresses, and long-sleeve blouses which button high.”

Which saved me quite a bit of distraction when I was growing up and before I met Elizaveta, though, I had noticed how hot Tasha was despite her conservative clothing.

“You dress that way most of the time, right?”

“Yes, all the girls do. I’m sure you noticed that Elizaveta always wore long skirts or dresses, though I did see her in jeans a few times.”

“That was rare, and usually limited to picnics or things like that.”

“That’s how all of us dress. Well, the close circle of friends. I know some of the girls dress less modestly when they’re away from church.”

“Sorry to change the subject, but how long did you plan to stay?”

“I guess that’s up to you. I have class tomorrow, so I’d like to be in bed by 11:00pm at the latest. I already finished my assignments that are due. Why?”

“Just thinking about our schedule. Rachel will wake up sometime around 10:00pm, I’ll feed her, we’ll say our evening prayers, and I’ll put her down around 11:00pm. She’ll sleep until about 5:00am.”

“I’ll stay as long as you want,” Oksana said. “But I don’t want to interfere.”

“You wouldn’t be interfering.”

“Maybe I’ll stay for prayers, if that’s OK.”

“It is.”

“Is it OK to sit in your lap?” Oksana asked.

“It is.”

She moved to my lap, put her arms around my neck, and rested her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms loosely around her, and she curled up her legs.

“I could get used to this,” she said quietly.

“I enjoy cuddling,” I replied.

“Do you want to kiss me?” she asked.

“I do, if you want to kiss me.”

“I do!” Oksana exclaimed.

We exchanged several soft kisses, then she put her head on my shoulder and sighed deeply. I could guess the things running through her mind, and was very happy that she wasn’t pushing things forward too quickly. Of course, some people would say that discussing marriage was pushing things forward, but that was truly the result of Serafima forcing the issue.

I wasn’t upset with Serafima, because she did have a legitimate point about me ignoring the girls at Saint Michael, including Oksana, who had been Tasha’s first suggestion, as she had thought Elizaveta was too young, being only fourteen when she’d made the suggestion. Of course, Oksana had only been fifteen, but I was only twenty at the time, so the age gap was smaller than it was with Elizaveta, though there still would have been the need for parental approval unless I had been willing to postpone ordination for several years.