Chapter 4: Picking Up the Pieces

August 29, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

I was up early on Saturday morning and took a warm bath, then went downstairs. Anicka was up and had coffee ready, and I accepted a cup from her. I didn’t have much time, as I wanted to be at church early, so I simply ate some toast and fruit. Technically, I should have fasted from midnight to receive the Eucharist, but I felt I had to eat something given the emotional stress I was suffering.

Tasha came in with Larisa and Rachel to have breakfast just as I finished eating.

“I’m going to take Rachel and head to the church,” I said. “I’ll see you there.”

“OK. Do you need help?” Tasha asked.

“No,” I replied. “I’ll put the bassinet in the car, then come back for Rachel.”

Twenty minutes later, Elias, who had arrived at the church early to refill the oil lamps which had been burning all night, helped me bring the bassinet into the nave where Alyssa and Serafima were alternating reading the Psalter.

“They stayed up all night with her,” Elias said quietly. “I got a few hours of sleep on the couch in Father’s office. His Grace will arrive in about ten minutes. He plans to serve a hierarchical liturgy, and he said you are welcome to serve the Divine Liturgy with him if you’re up to it. He and Father Nicholas will conduct the funeral service, with Mark and me assisting.”

“I think I will,” I said. “When Tasha arrives, I’ll ask her to care for Rachel.”

“He also mentioned that he wanted to speak to you if you feel up to it.”

“I’m holding it together,” I said.

“I don’t know how,” he replied. “I don’t think I could.”

“I think the only answer I can give, and it seems trite, even though it’s true — I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“I need to go wait for His Grace by the door. Will you be OK?”

“Yes,” I replied, seeing Peter, Maryam, and several others come into the nave. They all greeted me, and when Tasha arrived a few minutes later, I let her know I’d be meeting with Vladyka JOHN and then serving the Divine Liturgy with him.

“What about your mother-in-law?” Tasha asked.

“I don’t think she’ll be a problem. If she is, let Viktor handle it, please.”

“Father Deacon?” Elias said, coming up to me. “His Grace is in Father’s office.”

I leaned down to kiss my daughter, then followed Elias to the office where Vladyka JOHN was waiting. I asked for and received his blessing, then sat down in one of the leather chairs. His Grace sat next to me in another chair.

“How are you, Deacon?”

“Wishing I would wake up from this nightmare,” I replied. “But the daughter I just left in the care of Tasha Antonova is a pretty strong indication it’s not just a bad dream.”

“Whom do you have helping you?”

“Tasha is helping with Rachel, and at least one of Robby, Peter, Mark, Elias, and Dale is with me all the time, except when I’m sleeping.”

“Why Tasha Antonova?” he asked.

“She offered, and she has experience with newborns. My mother-in-law is in no state to help.”

“Father Nicholas explained that. I wasn’t objecting, by the way, I was just curious.”

“I still need to sort out how I can care for Rachel while I’m in Cincinnati, but I’ll worry about that tomorrow. My mom and her new husband live in Goshen, which isn’t all that far from Doctor Cooper’s house, and Doctor Cooper offered both her help and her daughter’s help as well. I’m sure there are people at Saint George who can help if I ask. Tasha suggested I call Father Stephen on Monday.”

“Wise counsel. I understand from Father Nicholas that your medical training is somewhat inflexible and unforgiving, even in extreme circumstances.”

“That’s true, because there are standards for medical licensing which do not allow for waivers or exceptions. The OB/GYN rotation is one of the mandatory rotations, so it’s vital that I complete it. If I don’t, it could ruin my chances of Matching, and possibly lead to an additional year of medical school.”

“And this rotation concludes at the end of September?”

“Yes. Then I have an ER rotation here in McKinley. I’ve already spoken to Doctor Gibbs, one of my mentors, who’s an ER Attending, to arrange for a consistent shift for the entire two months. That will make it easier to find someone to help with Rachel. After that, I’ll have to see what happens.”

“Will you need to be away from McKinley in the future?”

“My advisor suggested doing at least one, if not two, of my electives at a hospital in either Cincinnati or Columbus, but there is no requirement that I do so. It was also suggested I consider a volunteer stint with «Médecins Sans Frontières», but that would entail six months away from home, and that was never a real possibility once I married, and especially after Elizaveta became pregnant.”

“If there is anything at all I can do to help, please call me, day or night, even if you just need to talk.”

“Thank you, Vladyka. Elias mentioned that you asked if I would like to serve with you this morning for the Divine Liturgy; I would.”

“I would like you to call me at least once a week to let me know how things are going.”

“I will do that,” I replied.

“Then let’s pray together before we attend the Great Panikhida for Elizaveta.”

We prayed the Trisagion prayers, then went to the nave which was quickly filling with friends and family members, and basically the entire congregation of Saint Michael the Archangel. We waited for the appointed time when Father Nicholas began the memorial service, during which he blessed the Kollyva, which was boiled wheat sweetened with honey, and would be shared with the congregation at my in-laws’ house after the interment. When the service ended, we immediately began preparations for the Divine Liturgy.

Serving the Divine Liturgy had the usual effect of helping to calm my roiled mind, while feeding my soul. Receiving the Eucharist always energized me spiritually, something which I needed to help me make it through the next few hours. When the service ended, I performed the duties of my office, which involved consuming the remaining Eucharist, and then cleaning the liturgical items before returning them to the prothesis table.

There was a brief break after the liturgy and even more people arrived, including Doctor Mercer and her family and several doctors from the hospital and medical school. The church was packed wall-to-wall for the funeral service, and I went to the bassinet and picked up Rachel so I could hold her in my arms during her mother’s funeral service.

The bishop led the service, which consisted of dozens of prayers and hymns, readings from the Scriptures, and several litanies.

At the conclusion of the funeral service, the congregation came forward to kiss the icon Elizaveta was holding, or the blessing cross positioned next to her by Vladyka JOHN, or, in my case, to kiss her forehead. Yulia had to be supported by Viktor and Geno, and even then could barely make it to Elizaveta’s side.

Once everyone had paid their respects, six young men from the church, including Geno and Joe, carried the coffin out to the church cemetery while the congregation sang the Trisagion hymns. At the graveside, Vladyka JOHN prayed the final prayers over Elizaveta’s body and anointed her with chrism. I gazed at my beautiful young wife, now reposed, knowing I would never again, at least in this life, look upon her countenance. The hope was that I would see her again at the Resurrection, though that did nothing to take away the pain and loss.

With a nod from Father Nicholas, men from the funeral home put the lid on the coffin, and then the workers hired by the parish carefully lowered the coffin into the grave. Once they had done that, I handed Rachel to my mom, then accepted the shovel offered by Mr. Sokolov, and with tears streaming down my face, shoveled the first dirt into the grave while the congregation sang the Trisagion hymns.

I handed Viktor the shovel and he did the same, with Elizaveta’s brothers and grandfathers following in turn, then members of the congregation, until there was a traditional burial mound over the coffin. The final act of the graveside service was the erection of the cross by Vladyka JOHN, who blessed it, then censed the burial mound and sprinkled it with holy water.

People began filtering away, but I stayed for another ten minutes, surrounded by my friends, who then walked me to my car and helped me get Rachel into the car seat.

“I’ll drive your car,” Sophia said. “Robby will bring you. You’re in no state to drive.”

“I’ll ride with Sophia,” Tasha said. “Alyssa can bring my car. I’ll ask Mark to bring the bassinet.”

I nodded, as my vision was blurred by tears, and got into Sophia’s car which was parked near to mine, and Robby got into the driver’s seat.

“Thanks,” I said as he backed out of the parking spot.

“You were there for me when Lee was murdered,” Robby said. “It’s what friends do. I just wish neither of us had to do it.”

“You and me both,” I sighed. “You and me both.”

We rode quietly the rest of the way home, and when we arrived, Robby and I went into the cottage to wait for Sophia and Tasha to bring Rachel. When they arrived, I fed and changed her, then changed into fresh underwear and a fresh cassock, and the five of us went to the main house where the memorial reception was being held.

“My mom is in bed,” Geno said quietly when we walked in the back door. “Doctor Evgeni convinced her to take a mild sedative.”

“That’s probably for the best,” I said.

“Dad is in his study, and he’d like you to join us.”

I handed Rachel to Tasha, and she, Robby, and Sophia went to the great room to greet others, while I went to Viktor’s study. As I suspected he would, he offered vodka, and we drank three times to Elizaveta’s short life, then joined the growing group of people in the great room. In order to accommodate everyone, tables and chairs had been set up in the back yard as well, and fortunately, the weather coöperated.

With so many people at the house, I had very little time to speak with anyone for long. Tasha, Anna, and my mom took care of Rachel, relieving me of that concern, though I made sure to hold her several times during the afternoon and evening. The reception lasted until about 10:00pm, at which point Dale, Jocelyn, Tasha, Sophia, Robby, Mark, Alyssa, Elias, Serafima, and I went to the cottage and prayed our evening prayers before my icon corner.

When we finished our prayers, we headed back to Doctor Blahnik’s house, with Robby driving me and Sophia driving my car with Rachel and Tasha, and the others bringing the other cars. We spent a short time together, then mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally exhausted, I went to bed, leaving Rachel in Tasha’s capable hands.

August 30, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

When I woke on Sunday morning I was no longer exhausted, but I was still emotionally spent. Because I planned to receive Eucharist, I skipped breakfast, and Tasha accompanied me to church. She would return to work the following morning, but after three days, I felt reasonably confident I could care for Rachel, and I could nap as needed. I still needed to work out an arrangement for Cincinnati, but that would wait until after church.

When Rachel and I arrived at church, we went to Elizaveta’s grave so I could say the prayers for the departed. Tasha, Mark, Alyssa, Elias, and Serafima joined us as I chanted the prayers from the prayer book. When we finished the prayers, we went into the church for Matins and the Divine Liturgy, but, with Father’s blessing, I didn’t serve. When the services ended, I drove home, and spent the afternoon with Jocelyn and Dale.

Later, Mark, Alyssa, Elias, and Serafima joined us for a dinner which the ladies from the church had prepared.

“Where are you staying tonight?” Tasha asked.

“Here,” I replied.

“Do you need someone to stay with you?” Robby asked.

“No,” I replied. “I’ll be fine. If there’s a problem, my father-in-law is right next door and I have everyone’s phone number.”

“Have you figured out what you’re doing about caring for Rachel?”

“That’s tomorrow’s task,” I replied. “I’ll speak with my mom, and a few other people, as well as Doctor Cooper, and figure it out. I found out that Good Samaritan has a daycare, but it’s only for babies who are at least three months old, so that isn’t an option.”

“Does Moore Memorial Hospital offer daycare for babies that age?” Alyssa asked.

“No, and I’m not sure I like the idea of daycare for the long-term. Once she’s a toddler, there’s the daycare at church, which I’ll probably make use of, at least some of the time.”

“Do you need any shopping done?” Serafima asked.

“No,” I replied. “With the food the ladies are bringing me, I have basically everything I need until Wednesday, when I’m heading to Cincinnati.”

“Are you going to come home at all?” Mark asked.

“I think so,” I replied. “Probably on Saturday afternoon, once my office hours with Doctor Cooper are done. I have Sunday and Monday off, so I’ll drive back to Cincinnati early on Monday evening.”

“Are you up for Sunday dinners?” Alyssa asked.

“That sounds good,” I replied. “Sophia, Robby, you’re invited.”

“Thanks,” Robby replied. “Is there anything else you need before we head home?”

“Not that I can think of,” I replied. “It’s going to be very strange, but I need to deal with it.”

“Call if you need someone to come over,” he replied.

“Thanks, Robby.”

They all left, and after I fed, changed, and cuddled Rachel, I put her down to sleep. I walked back to the bedroom I’d shared with Elizaveta, and couldn’t bear to get into the bed, so I got the spare sheets and made up the couch as a bed, where I slept in three-hour stints between Rachel’s feedings.

August 31, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

On Monday morning, Lara joined me for breakfast, as we’d agreed the previous day.

“I can’t ask you to do what you’ve offered,” I said. “It’s too much.”

“You didn’t ask!” she protested. “I offered. Tasha works; your mom works; your sister works; the daughter of the doctor goes to school; Angie isn’t capable; all your friends here are in medical school or graduate school; your mother-in-law is a non-starter. Who does that leave besides me? Your grandparents, I suppose, or you could hire someone, but I know you have somewhat limited resources for another twenty-one months. Let me do this for you, Mike.”

“How do you see this working?” I asked.

“I care for Rachel during the day, then stay at the house of some family friends in Loveland. You’ve probably met them — the Bryzgalovs.”

“Yes, I’ve met them at Saint George. I’m going to assume you’ve already spoken with them.”

“Yes, of course, though there was never any question of them not agreeing. Once you’re finished in Cincinnati, then I’ll come here during your shift, whenever it is.”

“My mother-in-law will have a cow,” I said.

“Then bring Rachel to my apartment,” she replied. “I can set up a crib for her there. You can drop her off and pick her up. And it’s walking distance from the hospital, so you could even see her at lunch.”

“ER shifts don’t allow me to leave the hospital, but after that, I could. You’re making a lot of sense.”

“Obviously,” Lara replied, sounding a bit smug, but rightly so, because she was making sense.

“I usually leave Doctor Cooper’s house about 5:00am to get to the hospital for pre-rounds and get home sometime around 6:30pm, assuming no patient of Doctor Cooper is in active labor. I’ll need to call her and discuss it. I should call now, before she leaves for the office. They’ll be up because Alan and Annette started school again last week.”

I got up and dialed the number and Doctor Cooper answered. I explained my plan and she quickly agreed.

“Annette offered to watch your daughter on Saturday mornings, which would give your friend a break. And, of course, we’ll help all we can otherwise. Annette has been babysitting since she was twelve.”

“Thanks. I think that will work just fine.”

“You don’t want an extension?”

“No,” I replied. “Honestly, going back to the hospital will help me because it will allow me to focus on medicine, not...”

My voice trailed off and tears welled up in my eyes once again.

“I understand, Mike,” Doctor Cooper said. “Should we expect you for dinner on Wednesday?”

“Yes,” I replied, choking just a bit.

“Then I’ll let you go and see you on Wednesday evening.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

We said ‘goodbye’, I hung up, then sat back down to finish my breakfast and coffee.