Chapter 31: Conflicted

November 15, 1987, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

As I walked to the guest room with Annette following about two steps behind, my mind raced as competing ideas and feelings swirled around, never quite forming coherent thoughts, except for one — I didn’t even feel a twinge of desire. That confirmed what I’d discussed with Doctor Mercer, and had just said to Annette. That particular thought almost made me laugh, as Doctor Mercer’s suggestion I see a urologist could be mooted by a young woman who was obviously willing to perform a thorough exam.

I put Rachel in her bassinet, made sure she was covered with her blanket, then turned to face Annette, who had stopped at the door to the room. She was wearing a long pink robe and pink fuzzy bunny slippers, which combined with her athletic figure, telegraphed competing messages — ‘girl’ and ‘woman’. Those mixed messages aside, Annette had made her intent clear. The easiest thing to do would be to send her away, but my curiosity got the best of me.

“Why?” I asked.

Annette laughed softly, “OK to come into the room and shut the door so it’s not obvious I’m here?”

“Yes.”

She did so, then leaned against the door, keeping her distance.

“You’re good-looking, in great shape, interesting, and, to be honest, I was attracted to you the minute I met you, but obviously I couldn’t tell you or do anything about it because you were married. Then, when the terrible thing happened, I thought you needed comforting, and because I was attracted to you, I offered. You said ‘no’, which I totally get, but you seemed open to the ‘rain check’.”

“I have no idea what I want,” I replied. “Or if I’d even be good company.”

“Is it me? Or just in general?”

“In general,” I replied. “You’re a beautiful, intelligent young woman. I just...”

“Can I ask a personal question?”

“More personal than offering to go to bed with me?” I asked with a wry smile.

Annette laughed softly, “Good point. But what I was going to ask is actually more personal than that. Have you been with anyone besides Elizaveta?”

“Before we married, yes. I suppose I can see why you asked that question, given I seem reluctant. But it’s not that, trust me. One of Elizaveta’s biggest concerns was that I’d been, well, free with my affections.”

“That sounds like a typical High School or college guy to me.”

“I suppose that’s true, but she was fifteen when we were engaged and sixteen when we married, and hadn’t dated.”

“So you were experienced, and she wasn’t? And that bothered her.”

“Yes.”

“Another personal question, if that’s OK.”

“I think at this point you should just ask, and if I don’t want to answer I’ll say so.”

“What’s your view on virginity and marriage?” Annette asked.

“The teachings of the church aside, I can’t be hypocritical about it. I wasn’t, so to insist on it from a potential partner would be out of line. If I’ve drawn the wrong conclusion, I apologize, but making an inference from things you’ve said, you don’t put any value on virginity on your wedding night.”

“I actually think it’s important to make sure you’re compatible before you even get engaged. I wouldn’t buy a pair of shoes or a dress without trying them on, and I’d never marry someone without going to bed with them first. I mean, would you buy a car without a test drive?”

“No. But some people would take serious exception to that idea.”

“‘Some people’ can pound sand! How old were you? Your first time?”

“Eighteen. It was actually not long after graduation. I had tried to set something up for Prom, but she backed out, and it turns out that was the best thing that could have happened.”

“Why?” Annette asked.

“She would have taken it as a commitment to marry and she was adamantly opposed to going to my church under any circumstances. But I didn’t put two and two together until after Prom.”

“So she wasn’t your first, then?”

“No. It was a girl who I’d been friends with since kindergarten. We decided to be each other’s firsts.”

“What happened?”

“We seriously messed things up not long after, and hurt each other very badly. We’re friends again, and she’s happily married to a great guy.”

“You’re being very careful about asking me questions.”

“A gentleman does not ask those questions, and, frankly, the answers are none of my business.”

“Then why answer when I ask?”

“Because you don’t understand how I can be confused about the gorgeous blonde with piercing blue eyes who wants to go to bed with me. So I’m trying to help you understand.”

“Understand why you’re turning me down?”

“I suppose I’ve implied that by playing Twenty Questions and saying how confused I was.”

“So you’re not turning me down?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“Are you afraid you won’t be able to perform?”

“I’d be more concerned about your reaction to me being unable to perform.”

“Under different circumstances, I’d take that as a challenge to be acted upon immediately.”

“You’re that confident?” I asked with a slight smile.

“I’ve had no complaints! To answer the unasked question, my first time was at Tennis Camp in July of last year. He was a Freshman at UC whom I caught staring at me several times. I gave him a bit of grief, asking if he’d seen enough, he said ‘no’, and well, one thing led to another! I didn’t see him again after Tennis Camp, but it was just a physical thing, so no big deal. I’ve had two boyfriends since, but I’m not seeing anyone steady now. And, just for completeness, I’m on the Pill.”

“And me?”

“Given I’m going to Vanderbilt on a tennis scholarship, unless you plan to move to Nashville, just physical.”

“I plan to do my Residency in McKinley,” I replied. “But that does raise the question — if I were willing to do my Residency in Nashville?”

Annette smiled, “Who knows? I mean, you meet the basic boyfriend criteria.”

“Good to know,” I chuckled.

“But for a long-term thing, we’d have to be better acquainted.”

“I’m dense at times,” I said. “Are you saying that you like me, and if I’m good in bed, you’d be interested in a relationship?”

“I’d say it would be worth a try.”

“I’m pretty messed up at the moment.”

“Mom thinks you’re going to make a fantastic doctor.”

“And your mom’s opinion matters?”

“Don’t you gather as much information as possible before you make a diagnosis?”

“That is how it’s supposed to work, yes.”

“Mom’s opinion is just one factor, but it’s not the controlling one.”

“You’re working awfully hard for something that could turn out to be very disappointing.”

“That’s usually a guy problem, right?”

I chuckled, “Good point.”

“You haven’t told me to leave,” Annette said with a slight smile.

“That’s true, but I haven’t said you should stay, either.”

“It’s implied in not telling me to leave.”

“I’m just extremely confused right now, and honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“OK,” Annette said. “I won’t pressure you. What time are you leaving?”

“Around 7:00am so I can get to church.”

“Then I’ll let you get to bed. OK to hug you?”

“’Will you walk into my parlour?’ said the Spider to the Fly,” I said with a silly smile.

Annette laughed, “I didn’t mean it that way, and if I was going to entice you, I’d say that I swallow!”

“Good to know,” I replied with a grin.

Annette came across the room and gave me a full-body hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“OK to call you in a few weeks?” she asked.

“Sure.”

She left, I stripped off my shorts and T-shirt, got into bed, and quickly fell asleep.

November 15, 1987, Rutherford, Ohio

On Sunday morning Rachel and I attended the Divine Liturgy at Holy Transfiguration, as we’d planned. Tasha was there, of course, along with my grandparents, my mom, Stefan, Elaine, April, Paul, and Liz. I stood with my family, as standing by Tasha would only encourage wagging tongues, no matter what the bishop had said. Gossip was insidious, and it seemed impossible to stomp out. That had been true for the Holy Apostle Paul, so it really wasn’t so much a surprise as it was disappointing.

“She’s so adorable!” Susana declared, coming up to me in the narthex after the service ended.

“Thanks,” I replied. “Do you want to hold her?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed excitedly.

I handed Rachel to Susana just as two of the other girls who were Seniors, Macrina and Natalie, came out of the nave to the narthex.

“Can we hold her?” Macrina asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “For a moment, but then I need to feed her and get some lunch.”

Susana pouted, because that meant she’d have to surrender Rachel to the other girls. She did, reluctantly, and after each of them held her for a moment, I took her back and went to join my family for a light lunch.

“I saw you were swarmed by teenage girls,” Mom said when I sat down between her and my grandfather.

“For a definition of ‘swarm’ meaning ‘three’,” I chuckled.

“Every female teen and college student was paying more attention to Rachel than they were the liturgy!” Liz declared.

“A married friend of mine back in college had a baby daughter,” Stefan said, “and he’d take her for walks around campus and I swear that attracted just about every female in a two-mile radius! He was faithful to his wife, but the baby would have been excellent bait!”

“I might have noticed that girls seem to go ga-ga around babies,” I replied.

When I finished eating, I took Rachel to the nursery to feed her as it had several rocking chairs. I wasn’t surprised when Tasha came in and sat down in the rocking chair next to me.

“How are things going, Mike?”

“OK. I moved out of the cottage on Friday night.”

“Was that your choice?”

“I decided to do it, but Viktor accused me of fathering the child of a young woman who has come to church a few times, and even made the accusation to the bishop.”

“You’re joking!” Tasha said, clearly outraged.

“Unfortunately, I’m not. Bishop JOHN removed Viktor from the Parish Council and imposed thirty days of discipline.”

“That means no Eucharist, right?”

“Yes.”

“How could he make that accusation?”

“You met Sheila,” I replied. “What is her baby’s name?”

“Michael, but you only met her the day she gave birth, right?”

“Yes. But I don’t think Viktor or Yulia are thinking straight. They’re struggling with losing their daughter.”

“But you lost your wife!” Tasha protested.

“I did,” I replied. “But it’s different to lose a child. And you know my personality.”

“Stoic. Because you have to be stoic to be an Emergency Room doctor. Where are you living?”

“I’m renting a room from Doctor Blahnik. It was the easiest solution and gives me time to decide what to do. It’s still twenty months before I’ll be paid, but I have sufficient resources to cover all my expenses, pay next year’s tuition, and contribute something to Doctor Blahnik for room and board.”

“Would you use up all your savings?”

“No. How are things going with you?”

“Good. I’m still taking classes towards my pharmacy degree. Mom is a big help, of course, watching Larisa when I’m at work or school. Lara is still watching Rachel, right?”

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t surprised you asked to be laïcized, though I thought you’d wait.”

“Once all the accusations began flying, I decided my position as a deacon was untenable. You know about some of them, because Father Alexi spoke to you about them.”

“I filed to terminate Nik’s parental rights for being a «мудак» (mudak)!”

I laughed, “I don’t think being an a-hole is legal grounds for terminating parental rights!”

“Actually, it is,” Tasha replied. “I spoke to Stefan about Nik’s slander, and my concern that he would try to poison Larisa against me. He helped me get a writ to keep Nik away from Larisa until the case is resolved.”

Stefan hadn’t mentioned any of that, but I was positive that legal ethics worked in a similar way to how medical ethics worked.

“Good.”

“May I ask a question that might be «некультурный» (nekulturny)?” (“inappropriate”)

“Asks the girl who was VERY «некультурный» (nekulturny)!” (“inappropriate”)

Tasha laughed softly, “Perhaps! Do you plan to remarry?”

“Yes, though I am in no emotional state to do anything about that at the moment.”

“I understand. When you are ready, well, you are no longer a deacon...”

I nodded, “That’s true.”

I could say more, but I felt it was better to simply acknowledge her statement, and obviously, I couldn’t reveal Bishop JOHN’s plan. The biggest challenge for Tasha would be the lack of time I’d be able to spend with her, and the problem of needing childcare for two children if we both worked. That reminded me of the challenge I needed to solve before August — childcare for Rachel once Lara began her student teaching.

“Sorry,” Tasha said quietly. “I didn’t mean to push.”

“You didn’t,” I replied. “I’m just being very careful about what I say because at the moment I don’t trust my ability to assess my emotions.”

Which was the source of some of my caution with Annette, but I suspected there were other reasons of which I wasn’t consciously aware. The interaction with her had reïnforced my need to speak more with Doctor Mercer to sort out my own psyche before I got involved with anyone in a serious way.

“Are you hosting Dinner Club next week?”

“Yes. Today, I’m going to see my dad after church, then spend the rest of the afternoon at my grandparents’ house and have dinner with them.”

“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

“Working. The hospital doesn’t close, so that’s a normal shift for me. I was invited to my in-laws for a late-evening Thanksgiving meal, but I’m not sure what is going to happen now. My father-in-law is very upset.”

“You hold the master trump!”

“Yes, of course, but I’m not going to use Rachel in that way. If Viktor and Yulia want to see her, I’ll allow that, even if they’re upset with me. I honestly think Yulia’s biggest fear is that I’ll remarry and she’ll lose her granddaughter, but that fear is completely unfounded.”

“How did things go so terribly wrong?”

“You mean all the stuff that’s happened in our diocese?”

“Yes, including my divorce, the affairs, the bishop, a thieving clergyman, what happened to Elizaveta, my sister, my dad...”

“We live in an imperfect, fallen world, and that has been the human condition from time immemorial.”

“That sounds so fatalistic.”

“It would be, if Christ had not risen from the dead.”

“Will you answer a question for me? With complete honesty?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think heaven makes up for all the suffering?”

“I’m fairly certain you’re aware that I don’t believe heaven is a place, but a metaphor for theosis — union with God — and that I believe Hell is a similar metaphor for rejecting that union. The goal of the Christian life is theosis, which can only be achieved through the synergy of our activity and God’s uncreated energies. So, to answer your question, it’s not about making up for the suffering, but the result of suffering.

“You know I’m not a big fan of Roman Catholic teachings, but one of their monks, Thomas Merton, made a very important point in his book The Seven Storey Mountain when he stated the following — The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most.”

“Wait! Trying to avoid suffering causes more suffering? How is that even possible?”

“Think about this,” I suggested, “have you ever hurt someone because you were trying to avoid hurting them?”

“Yes,” Tasha admitted reluctantly.

“That’s simply scratching the surface of what Merton is trying to say. A more succinct way of putting it is what my grandfather says — life is suffering. And that is exactly the human condition. The cure, if you will, is theosis, and the principal source is...”

“The Eucharist, the ‘medicine of immortality’.”

“Precisely. Remember Job’s declaration — ’Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him’. There really is nothing else to do unless you want to completely give up hope. Are you struggling?”

“Some; what about you?”

“Every single day of my life,” I replied. “As the Holy Apostle Paul instructs us, we should fight the good fight and run the race so as to claim the prize.”

“The suffering will never end, will it?”

“Not in this life,” I replied. “That’s driven home every time I walk into the hospital, not to mention everything that’s happened since I graduated from Harding County High.”

“How do you feel about not being a deacon?”

“I willingly put on the cassock, and I don’t think accepting ordination was an error. But, with everything that’s happened, setting aside my cassock was the right thing to do. I have no regrets in that regard.”

“I wish we could spend more time together,” Tasha said quietly.

“Something that will be very difficult for many years to come,” I replied.

And that was, really, the challenge for Tasha and me, if there was to be a relationship. It seemed an insurmountable challenge, but that was something to worry about in the future, when I was confident I could make sound decisions in that regard.

I had finished feeding Rachel, so Tasha and I left the nursery and I headed to my car to drive to my dad’s apartment. Rachel and I spent about an hour with him, Holly, and my half-brother, then we headed to my grandfather’s house, where the rest of the family was gathered. Not long before dinner, my grandfather invited me into his study for a private conversation.

“Your mother tells me you’ve moved,” my grandfather said. “Can you tell me what is going on with Viktor Nikolay’ich?”

“He made an unfounded and clearly false accusation, and Bishop JOHN took serious exception to it. I moved out immediately, acting upon the advice I received from Father Nicholas.”

“You’re staying with your professor?”

“That was the most practical option, given my financial situation. You remember I won’t be paid until June 1989.”

“I do remember. Are you able to cover your tuition without borrowing money?”

“Yes. And I have resources to cover my other expenses until my Residency begins.”

“Good. I spoke to Alexey Ivanovich, Ivan Nikolay’ich, Yuri Valentinovich, and Alexandr Ivanovich, and the five of us wish to provide you with a proper place to live, no disrespect to your professor.”

Those were Mr. Sokolov, Mr. Orlov, Mr. Zhuravlyov, and my godfather.

“I took the liberty,” he continued, “of asking Alexey Ivanovich about a suitable house for rent in McKinley, and he located one yesterday. It’s available as of December 1st and has furniture. The five of us will pay the rent and utilities on your behalf until you graduate from medical school and an additional three months.”