Chapter 28: «Указ» (Ukase)

November 8, 1987, Synaxis of the Archangel Michael and the other Bodiless Powers, McKinley, Ohio

“Papa is going to have an interesting day today,” I said to Rachel as I dressed her for church.

That was probably an understatement, as the reaction of the congregation would be a mix of shock and surprise. There would be speculation amongst some for other reasons, no matter what was in the bishop’s letter or what Father Nicholas said. Viktor was not the only one who would suspect that there was more to it, and at some point, those suspicions would be confirmed, but that was some time in the future.

I did have one potential complication, and that was Sheila’s visit. Certainly, Viktor would notice, and I was positive he’d ask questions. There was, though, literally nothing going on between Sheila and me, and I didn’t expect there to ever be. That wouldn’t stop the questions or speculation, but no longer being a deacon would mean it would have little or no impact on me.

I bundled Rachel in a cute little jacket which I knew she’d outgrow very soon, then put on my ryassa for the final time. It was plenty warm, combined with my cassock, also being worn for the last time, plus my black slacks and thick cotton T-shirt. I carried Rachel out to the car, got her situated, started the engine to let the car warm up for a bit, then put it in reverse and backed up, turning the wheel so that I could pull out of the long driveway, rather than back out.

When we arrived at church, we stopped briefly at Elizaveta’s grave, where I simply made the sign of the cross. We went into the building and Serafima took Rachel from me so that I could say the entrance prayers with Father Nicholas. We were joined by Subdeacon Mark, and once we finished saying our prayers, we began preparing for the Divine Liturgy. It was a strange feeling, knowing that there was a very good chance this was the last time I’d ever serve as a deacon.

Normally, a hierarch’s letter was read at the time of the homily, but Vladyka JOHN felt it would be disruptive, so Father Nicholas postponed the homily to the end of the service, something he had done from time to time. He made the announcement of the change immediately following the Gospel reading, which was the normal time for the homily.

When the service ended, Elias moved the lectern in front of the solea, and Father Nicholas moved to stand behind it.

“I have an «указ» (ukase), or letter directive, from His Grace, Bishop JOHN, which he instructed me to read to you.”

To the faithful clergy, members of the Parish Council, and laïty of Saint Michael the Archangel — the blessings of our Lord, God, and Savior Jesus Christ be upon you on this Sunday when we commemorate the Synaxis of the Archangel Michael and the other Bodiless Powers.

The last two years have been difficult ones for this God-protected diocese, which included the shocking and tragic loss of Matushka Elizaveta Loucks on the very day she gave birth to Rachel Michelle. Father Deacon Michael is, as you know, training to be a doctor while caring for his infant daughter as a single father. For the next four years, his training will require working sixty to ninety hours each week, and sometimes more. In December he will work twenty-four-hour shifts that will preclude even attending services.

Because of these demands, after prayerful consideration, I am, with great reluctance and a heavy heart, returning Deacon Michael Peter Loucks to the order of the laïty, at his request, to take effect at 1:00pm today, Sunday, November 8, 1987.

There were gasps, murmurs of ‘no’, and shocked reactions. Father Nicholas looked up, the congregation quieted, and he continued reading the letter.

Please know that Father Deacon Michael did not make this request lightly, and I did not receive it lightly. It is important for you to understand that this is not disciplinary in any way, nor is there anything at all which has disqualified Father Deacon Michael from his office. He will remain an authorized catechist and a Sunday School teacher, time permitting.

Michael and Rachel need your love, your help, and your prayers so that Michael may complete his medical training and care for Rachel.

As we enter into the Nativity Fast, my prayers will be with all of you.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all, now and ever, and unto ages of ages.

Your father in Christ,

+JOHN, Bishop of Ohio

“I have a few other announcements,” Father Nicholas said, setting aside the bishop’s letter. “First, Mike will be leaving as soon as he’s finished in the altar. I know many of you will want to speak with him, but please allow him some time for himself and Rachel.”

When announcements were completed, I went to the altar, consumed the remaining Eucharist, cleansed the liturgical items, then removed my deacon’s vestments. I checked my watch and decided it was close enough to 1:00pm that I could remove my cassock. I did so and put on a long-sleeve navy blue button-down shirt. I folded my cassock and «ryassa» and put them into my bag, then left the altar. I stopped before the icon of Christ, said the prayer for departing the church.

“Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word: for mine eyes have seen thy salvation, which thou hast prepared before the face of all people; a light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people Israel.”

I made the sign of the cross, then turned and saw Clarissa sitting in the back of the nave. I walked back and sat down on the bench beside her.

“How do you feel, Petrovich?”

“I have mixed emotions,” I replied. “It’s as if a weight has been lifted, but I feel as if I’ve somehow failed.”

“As an outside observer, I don’t see how you could have done anything different, and your bishop obviously agreed. I’m not really surprised.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you before Father Nicholas read the letter.”

“I understand. There were more than a few shocked people.”

“I’m sure. I was only permitted to tell Viktor and my grandfather, I think both for obvious reasons.”

“How upset is Viktor?”

“I don’t know that he’s upset, but he’s suspicious.”

“You told your bishop your real reason?”

“The primary reason, not the ‘real’ reason,” I countered. “Just look at our December schedules to see what was said today is totally accurate. Father Nicholas knows the entire story.”

“He agreed to keep that quiet?”

“Of course. And I’m going to start seeing Doctor Mercer to help me get my head screwed on straight.”

“You seem to have it pretty much together.”

“Father Nicholas is concerned that I’m too focused on finding a mom for Rachel and not enough on my relationship with whomever that might be.”

“You’re just being you. You quickly diagnosed a problem and prescribed a solution. You’re thinking like an emergency medicine specialist — logical and cool-headed analysis and action. But thinking like an ER doc is wrong in this instance. This isn’t about solving an immediate problem and passing the patient off to another service. This is a lifetime commitment.”

I nodded, “I’d say your analogy is accurate, and that’s why Father Nicholas suggested I speak with Doctor Mercer.”

“Are you emotionally ready for that kind of relationship?”

“No, which is probably why I focused solely on Rachel.”

“Sheila seemed shocked. She said she’d meet you at Frisch’s.”

“Let me get Rachel, then, because I do need to go. I just wish Father hadn’t said I needed time alone, because if anyone sees us, it’ll cause tongues to wag.”

“Why not go to Doctor Blahnik’s house? I’ll go to Frisch’s and let Sheila know, then get Tessa and we’ll join you, if that’s OK. I’ll leave around 4:00pm so I can get some sleep before my overnight shift.”

“Sheila and I are just friends.”

Clarissa smiled, “Your status has changed.”

“But not my feelings.”

“In general? Or for her?”

“Both. We can talk more later, or even tomorrow at the hospital.”

We got up, and I went to find Serafima, who was in the parish hall. I collected Rachel from her, promised I’d see the group for Dinner Club, then left the church to head to Anicka’s house.

“You’re not wearing your cassock,” Anicka observed when I carried Rachel into the house.

“I asked the bishop to release me,” I replied. “And he agreed.”

“I couldn’t see you accepting lifetime chastity,” Anicka said with a slight smile.

“Which was part of the consideration, but more important is eventually a mom for Rachel, not to mention my commitment to my training. A perfect example is my December schedule, which has me on two twenty-four-hour shifts plus an eight-hour shift, which makes it impossible to attend church on Sunday for at least December. And we’ve discussed what my schedule would be like during Residency.”

“So you do plan to remarry.”

“Eventually,” I replied. “But I need to work through a number of things before I do that. I’m going to put Rachel in the bassinet in the music room, if that’s OK.”

“Of course! Are you hiding out or are you having visitors?”

“Both,” I replied. “Clarissa, Tessa, and Sheila will be here shortly, and we’re having Dinner Club here tonight. I really appreciate your hospitality.”

“You know you’re welcome here at any time, and if your plans cause friction with your in-laws, your room is available full time.”

“Thanks, Anicka. I appreciate it.”

I put Rachel down, then accepted a mug of tea from Anicka. Clarissa and Tessa arrived first, followed just a minute later by Sheila, who had Michael with her.

“You have to explain,” Sheila said.

I did, rehashing the conversations I’d had about the demands of my education and caring for Rachel.

“I heard what the letter said,” Sheila said when I finished, “but I’ve only ever heard of priests being defrocked, not simply walking away, so to speak.”

“Our understanding of Holy Orders is somewhat different from the way Rome understands them. And the Protestants have their own ways, varying greatly amongst the various denominations. For the Orthodox, when a clergyman is unable to serve for personal reasons, it’s traditional that he makes a request to be returned to the laïty. So long as it’s not an attempt to avoid discipline, such requests are almost always granted and don’t disqualify the individual from being restored.”

“So, in theory, you could be a deacon in the future?”

“If I did nothing to disqualify myself, yes, it would be possible.”

“What would disqualify you?”

“Marriage,” I replied. “I believe I mentioned clergy may not marry; your marital state at ordination is locked, and even in a case such as mine, remarriage as a clergyman is against the canons. In addition, the canons prohibit the ordination of a twice-married man, so if I were, at some point, to marry again, that, too, would disqualify me.”

“If I may interrupt,” Tessa said, “but can’t your bishop waive those rules?”

“All bishops have the power and authority to enforce the canons strictly or leniently, but they also have to take into account the reaction of the laïty. Permitting remarriage of a priest or deacon would create a tremendous uproar. So, while it could happen, it’s highly unlikely, and would require very special circumstances.”

“If your circumstances aren’t special, I don’t know what would be,” she replied.

“And that’s exactly the point. I’m not sure here, in the US, or in Russia, you could do that without an uproar that might rip apart the archdiocese. And remember, I signed up for this when I accepted ordination. Technically, my ordination was not canonical because I was granted dispensation to marry after being ordained a subdeacon. That said, dispensation in that matter is not uncommon, but it must be granted before that initial ordination.”

“It just seems harsh in your situation.”

“Life is pretty harsh,” I replied. “My grandfather likes to remind me of the Russian proverb — ‘Life is suffering’. It would appear to me to be the case.”

“Mike,” Sheila asked, “did you happen to get an answer from the bishop about baptizing Michael?”

“He was going to communicate with Father Stephen at Saint George in Loveland, but I believe his answer will be positive. That would be the parish where you would attend, as it’s the closest one to where you live. I believe Father Stephen will call you to arrange a meeting.”

“Thanks for intervening.”

“You’re welcome!”

We had a nice, quiet afternoon and Sheila, Clarissa, and Tessa left just before 4:00pm, which was when the Dinner Club members arrived. I took a few minutes to call my mom and discovered my grandfather had told her before church on the chance that Father Alexi would mention it. After I hung up, I changed Rachel’s diaper, made her bottle, then went to sit with my friends.

While I fed my daughter, I once again explained the near-impossible challenges of being a single father, completing my medical training, and serving as a deacon. We had a wonderful dinner, and when we finished eating, I headed back to the cottage to spend some time with Rachel and play my guitar.

There were several messages on the answering machine, and I wrote out a list on the pad next to the phone so I could return the calls later in the week. I fed Rachel, then put her in her carrier so that she could sit with me while I played my guitar. I’d played four songs before someone knocked. I set the guitar down and went to answer the door, finding Viktor and Geno standing there.

“May we come in?” Viktor asked.

“Of course,” I replied.

I invited them to sit in the small living room, which they did, sitting on the couch while I sat in an easy chair.

“This is a difficult thing to say,” Viktor began, “but I saw that same young woman in church today. Anna spoke with her and discovered her son’s name is Michael. I think you need to explain.”

“I first met her when she was in labor, so the inference in your question is, quite literally, impossible. At no time was I ever unfaithful to Elizaveta, nor have I been with anyone other than her from the time we had our first chaperoned date, including the past nine weeks since her repose.”

“You must know how it looks.”

“However it looks,” I replied, “there is no truth to it. You heard the bishop’s letter, which expressly denied any misbehavior on my part. I unequivocally deny what you’re implying. In addition, I take serious issue with the implication that Vladyka JOHN would engage in a cover-up of illicit sexual behavior. Or, in the alternative, that I have lied in confession as well as to him.”

“Mike, think about how this looks,” Geno said. “A woman shows up with a baby, named for you, who is neither Orthodox nor known to anyone but you.”

“And whom I met when she was a patient at Good Samaritan Hospital in Cincinnati. I was part of the team assigned to provide care for her labor and delivery. That’s the same thing I did for Elaine, the young woman my mom and Stefan took in as foster parents. I think that should be instructive — I cannot be anyone other than who I am, and that is a caring, faithful Christian, with or without my cassock. Both young women are attending services, and there is a good chance both will eventually become Orthodox.”

“I believe I need to take this information to the bishop,” Viktor said.

“Do what you feel you have to do,” I replied, “but you don’t have any information His Grace doesn’t already have. I’ve disclosed both relationships, as well as personal information I can’t share with you, about both young women, to the bishop and to Father Nicholas. And were Elizaveta with us, she’d have known before either the bishop or my confessor, as would be proper with any matushka.”

“You’ll forgive me if I check with the bishop.”

“Do what you have to do,” I said flatly.

He and Geno left, and I picked up my guitar to continue playing, understanding that I might need to take Anicka up on her offer of a place to live.

November 9, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

“What aren’t you telling me?” Lara asked after I greeted her when she arrived at the cottage early on Monday morning.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“As the daughter of three attorneys, I’m pretty good at recognizing when there is more to something than meets the eye.”

“If you mean eventually remarrying, yes, I discussed that with His Grace, and he gave his blessing for the joyful marriage ceremony, but that’s in the future.”

“And what else?” Lara asked.

I shrugged, “I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”

“A secret codicil.”

I knew Lara was extremely intelligent, observant, and had great intuition, but how she could know there was an agreement with the bishop about the possibility of future ordination, or restoration, depending on how one looked at it, escaped me. And I simply couldn’t tell her.

“What was in the bishop’s directive is the truth,” I replied. “He did, wisely, leave out the part about me marrying, but I’m nowhere near that point, and you know why I want to marry.”

“Does the bishop?”

I nodded, “Yes. I even said that if Rachel had been John, I might have elected to remain a Deacon. But I think you’ve proven conclusively that a girl needs a mom.”

“So all the work, with none of the benefits?” Lara smirked.

I laughed softly, then said, “I hadn’t considered that angle!”

“I was teasing, of course. Well, mostly.”

“Let’s not go there, please. Viktor and Geno basically accused me of fathering Sheila’s baby because she named him Michael.”

“Neat trick, given you met her when she was already in labor!”

“They don’t believe my version of events. Viktor threatened to call Vladyka JOHN, but given I’ve discussed both Sheila and Elaine with him, Viktor is only going to get himself into trouble if he makes the accusation.”

“Do you think it’s your mother-in-law?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know, but that would not be a good strategy to try to gain control over Rachel’s upbringing. No matter what the truth is, this is a lose-lose situation for her because last night I concluded that I need to move or I’ll have no peace. I don’t see Viktor or Yulia responding positively to me dating or courting.”

“Probably not. Of course, I thought it was in the realm of possibilities that I’d find Tasha here this morning, ready to take on the role of Rachel’s mom.”

“Believe it or not, the circumstances really haven’t changed for her. Her chief concern was the amount of time I’d be away from home, and that’s about to accelerate. Elizaveta had two years to get ready for that, Tasha would be walking into the very thing she said she couldn’t do.”