Chapter 18: Baptism

October 3, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

“Good afternoon, Vladyka,” I said when I entered Father Nicholas’ office. “Master, bless.”

I cupped my hands, and he made the sign of the cross over them, saying, “The Lord bless you, Father Deacon Michael”.

I kissed his hand, then the two of us sat down in a pair of easy chairs with tea and cookies on a tray on the small table between us. I poured tea for both of us, as was the proper etiquette, then selected a pair of cookies to go with mine.

“How are you doing, Mischa?” Vladyka JOHN asked.

“Much better than I was,” I replied. “I’m sleeping better, though Rachel still wakes me up during the night, which will likely continue for several months. Fortunately, as I mentioned when we spoke last week, I have a very easy schedule in the ER, thanks to my mentor, Doctor Gibbs.”

“You’ve seen your physician, as well as your secular counselor, and Father Nicholas reports that you’ve been to confession and you receive the Eucharist regularly. Is there anything of which I should be aware?”

I shook my head, “No. Doctor Smith gave me a clean bill of health, Doctor Mercer is not concerned about depression, and I’m sure Father Nicholas would have expressed any spiritual concerns.”

“And you have sufficient help with Rachel?”

“I do,” I replied, suddenly wary.

“Who, if I may ask?”

“Larisa Sergeyevna Federova watches Rachel while I’m at work, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law watch Rachel on Saturdays while I’m at band practice and karate, and I have help from Mark and Alyssa Larson, Elias and Serafima Gronov, and Robby Jackson and Sophia Vasilakis. And of course, my mom and sister are available as well.”

“I understood that Natalya Vasilyevna Antonova was involved.”

The only way he could have known that was if someone had gone to him with a ‘concern’. I resolved to not get emotional, lose my temper, or lash out, and just respond with facts.

“At first, yes, but she has her own concerns. Similarly, Annette Turner-Cooper, Doctor Cooper’s daughter in Cincinnati, helped as well. And so has my former professor, Doctor Anicka Blahnik. My friend from medical school, Peter, has also provided support. The same is true for the other members of my study group, which includes Maryam Khouri.”

“Who do you spend time with?”

And that was the second strike, so to speak. Someone was clearly whispering in the bishop’s ear, and I would have to do something about it. The key was calm, considered reaction, and not trying to defend myself, just state the facts and let him ask the questions.

“Besides the Larsons and the Gronovs, my medical school study group, my bandmates, and then other friends. I also have a weekly meal with my in-laws. I’ll see my mom and her husband sometime in the next few weeks.”

“I heard they have a foster child who has a child.”

I nodded, “A young woman whom I met during my OB/GYN rotation. She found herself pregnant at fourteen and had no support from her parents. She wanted to keep her baby, and the social worker felt she was mature enough to make that decision. I suggested to my mom and her new husband that they apply as foster parents.”

“Very pastoral!” Vladyka JOHN declared with a smile. “How much trouble did you get in for that?”

“Not much, because the only negative thing the OB Chief could say was that I had spent too much time with a few patients, but I was following the directions given by my Resident.”

“How are they caring for the young woman and her baby?”

“My mom took some time off work. I strongly suspect she’ll stop working as her new husband is a partner in his law firm.”

“You don’t refer to him as your stepdad?”

“I have, though the difficulty is that I simply can’t refer to my dad’s second wife as my ‘stepmom’ no matter what.”

“Basic respect?” Vladyka JOHN asked.

“I believe I understand your point, Vladyka,” I said.

“May I make a suggestion?”

“About?”

“Rachel’s caregivers. It would be best to involve her grandmothers as much as possible. They are the natural choice.”

And that was his round-about way of voicing at least tacit agreement with whomever it had been who had complained to him. Fortunately, for that specific suggestion, I had a ready-made answer which had the benefit of being verifiably true.

“My mom lives in Goshen now, and has Elaine and April to care for. My mother-in-law is under a doctor’s care, and is taking medication for depression, and I can’t leave Rachel with her unless Anna is available. With all due respect, Vladyka, I believe I’ve made the arrangements which are in Rachel’s best interest.”

“I’m sure you have,” he said gently, “but I’m sure you might see how some people might see it.”

‘Some people’ needed to mind their own business! While it was true there were different standards for clergy from those normally applied to the laïty, I wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. But, of course, some people, for their own reasons, had decided to, in effect, ‘throw me under the bus’ in order to enforce their view of what I ought to do. I knew it had to be more than just Yulia’s statement to Father Nicholas, and he’d assured me he wasn’t going to discuss the clearly false innuendo about my behavior.

“I can,” I agreed. “But gossip is a destructive force, and that’s especially true when the gossip has no basis in fact. I’m not sure what you want me to do, Vladyka.”

“It’s not for me to dictate your choices with regard to caring for your daughter,” he replied. “Only to point out how it might look to others.”

“Others who,” I asked carefully and evenly, “have nothing better to do than defame me in my time of grief?”

“No accusations of improper behavior have been made, Mischa.”

“No direct accusations,” I replied. “But if there was no innuendo or implication, we wouldn’t be having this discussion, would we?”

“Probably not, no,” Vladyka JOHN agreed. “I simply ask that you take care with appearances.”

“Vladyka, I need to figure out my way forward, and how to balance raising Rachel, completing my medical training, and serving as a deacon. I’m going to have to make compromises and perhaps do things which will raise eyebrows because there are things about my training over which I not only have no control, but also have no input.

“The biggest of those is the Match. While it’s very likely I’ll be assigned to Moore Memorial Hospital, there are no guarantees and I have no control other than listing my preferred programs and hospitals. I plan to submit an extensive list to ensure I Match, and that will likely include hospitals as far away as Pittsburgh or Chicago. And Match assignments are final, with no ability to modify or change them.”

“I was under the impression that you applied to programs.”

“That’s true. Then there are interviews. After the interviews, the hospitals and medical students make lists of their preferred Matches. A computer analyzes all the lists and comes up with the best possible Match for everyone. It’s called the ‘stable marriage problem’ in computer science. The basic concept is to match students and programs such that there isn’t a better available student or program not already matched. It was instituted to prevent complete and utter chaös, which occurred before, when it was, in effect, an unmanaged free-for-all.”

“I was under the false impression that it was a done deal for you to be at Moore Memorial Hospital.”

“It’s as close to a done deal as possible,” I replied. “But, there are no guarantees, and as I said, if it doesn’t happen, for whatever reason, I could be assigned to any hospital on my list. And I need to have at least eight, so that I am assured a Match. Granted, it’s not likely I’d need that many, but I’m taking no chances.”

“When will you know?”

“March 1989,” I replied.

“We’ll deal with that when the time comes. Obviously, I would reassign you to a local parish, or speak with one of my brother bishops if you’ll be outside my diocese. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

‘Not listen to the gossips and busybodies!’ I thought, but didn’t say.

“Just your prayers, Vladyka,” I said instead.

“You are always in them, Deacon. If there’s nothing else, would you ask Mark to come in, please?”

“Of course.”

I asked for and received the bishop’s blessing, then left Father Nicholas’ office. I found Mark in the narthex and let him know the bishop was ready to meet with him.

“How did it go?” Lara asked once Mark had walked away.

Before I answered, we moved away from the others in the narthex.

“Someone went to him,” I replied quietly.

“How bad?”

“At this point? Call it ‘fatherly concern’. But I doubt whoever it is will give up quite so easily.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Someone has their nose bent out of joint and ran to him when Father Nicholas didn’t force me to change my decision. The bishop said, quite clearly, it’s not his place to dictate to me how I care for Rachel, but he did say I needed to be careful about appearances.”

“Who would complain to him?”

“Who knows? And they may have some other agenda as well.”

“How Christian of them,” Lara observed sarcastically.

“Just as a hospital is full of sick people, so the Church is full of sinners. And that means, at some point, someone is going to behave in an unChristian manner. Of course, they might believe they are doing the right thing. Take Nik Antipov as an example — he feels that the canons should be strictly enforced in all cases, and has a very monastic outlook on life. He felt he was doing the right thing when he went to Father Nicholas to complain about my past relationship with Tasha.”

“You’ve taught us in Sunday School that the canons are guidelines, not laws.”

“But that feeling is not universal. It is the teaching of the bishops, and just as we might object to the way the criminal justice system works, sometimes being lenient, sometimes being strict, it’s legitimate to object to the interpretations of the canons. That said, once a bishop has made his ruling, any objection must be made in private, and the ruling followed unless the bishop revises it. That is why I did my best to limit my comments about Deacon Vasily to private situations, and even then, I was careful.”

“What will the bishop do?”

“For now? Most likely nothing. If the accusations continue, either directly or indirectly, then he’ll have to act in some way.”

“And if you were a layman?”

“Then none of this would be in the bishop’s purview, and he would have sent the person to Father Nicholas.”

“You remember my sole reason for not marrying you, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You can’t live the rest of your life like this, where everything you do is scrutinized and anyone who objects to it, no matter what the reason, runs to the bishop to complain. And you know something will cause that, and likely something you can’t control related to your training, or something you need to do for Rachel.”

“I know,” I replied resignedly.

“And, despite your protestations that you aren’t sure what to do, you are sure about Rachel needing a mom.”

“And you’re applying for the position?” I asked with a slight smile.

“Well,” Lara said with a smirk, “if I follow Clarissa’s theory, I’ve already completed the most important part of the application process!”

“Clarissa is a troublemaker and always has been!”

“Let’s just say that if the situation were to arise that you would ask, I’d want to talk it through.”

“Number one being how, if you are student teaching or have a full-time teaching role, we’d care for Rachel. Number two being how many children we’d have. Number three being where we’d live.”

“That pretty much nails it,” Lara said. “If you want a stay-at-home mom as your wife, that’s not me.”

“Nor would I expect it to be. That was a decision Elizaveta made which I supported. But that has to be your decision, or whomever it might be.”

“You’ve obviously decided, even if you won’t admit that to yourself. That leaves me with just one question.”

“When do I tell the bishop?”

“Exactly.”

October 4, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

Lara’s question had weighed on me, though I hadn’t let it interfere with worshiping during Vespers, and thankfully, it didn’t keep me awake. I had, of course, risen in the middle of the night to feed Rachel and change her diaper, but the rocking chair helped both of us, and made it easy for me to get back to sleep.

Approaching the situation from a purely practical point of view, I had to consider the potential fallout, which would include Viktor’s reaction. That had implications for where I lived, and paying for medical school. I had options, but the last thing I wanted to do was upset him or Yulia. Paying for my final year of medical school would not be a problem, as the proceeds from selling Elizaveta’s car would cover that, and I had more than sufficient savings for any expenses I might incur. I had also, to my surprise, received a small life insurance payment from the medical school. As for a place to live, there were a multitude of options, including Anicka’s house.

There would be other fallout as well, and I was sure some people would object for various reasons. I had my own concerns, as well, the biggest of which was doing anything which would tarnish Elizaveta’s memory. There would always be people who felt I should never remarry, even if I were to be laïcized, but most people would understand if I did so after a sufficient wait. The challenge there was the longer I waited, the longer Rachel would go without a mom.

All of that said, I was not emotionally ready to begin a new relationship, nor was I ready to deal with the fallout of asking for laïcization. Of course, the two were not directly linked, except in terms of the order in which they were done. Laïcization had to come first, and there would be some time between then and a potential marriage, as I couldn’t, in good conscience, formally discuss marriage with anyone until after I was laïcized.

I put those thoughts aside, fed, changed, and dressed Rachel, then donned my cassock. I packed Rachel’s bag, then took her out to my Mustang so we could drive to church. As I drove, I contemplated how my decision would affect me emotionally, and what it would mean for my feelings for Elizaveta. I wondered what she would think, but I had no idea because it wasn’t something we’d ever discussed. What would it mean if I remarried? Certainly not that I loved Elizaveta any less, or that I was seeking to replace her, but beyond that, I had no idea.

I turned it over in my mind for the rest of the short drive, but reached no conclusions. When we arrived at church, our usual small group prayed for Elizaveta at her grave, then Serafima took Rachel from me so I could say entrance prayers with Bishop JOHN and Father Nicholas. Once we’d completed the prayers, Father Nicholas and I went to the vestry to retrieve our vestments so that Bishop JOHN could bless them, while Mark and Elias began assembling the bishop’s staff and the trikirion and dikirion.

As per Bishop JOHN’s instructions, Father Nicholas and I served Matins, and then Mark was ordained a subdeacon with me as his sponsor. It was an exceptionally short service, consisting of a single prayer and the laying on of hands. There were liturgical duties which were technically part of the ceremony, but as Bishop JOHN had advanced the ordination to earlier in the service, those were deferred.

Following Mark’s ordination, he assisted the bishop in baptizing and chrismating Rachel. I’d always felt it to be a bit strange that the baby’s sponsors participated, while the parents did not, but Elizaveta’s untimely death drove home the practicality behind the theology. As Rachel’s godparents, Elias and Serafima were accepting responsibility for Rachel, in the event I was, for whatever reason, unable to care for her.

As a deacon, I did have a role, but it was the same one that I would have for any baptism. As I performed my duties, I realized one non-theological benefit — nobody could complain about Elias and Serafima caring for Rachel. In fact, nobody would dare do so, as that would upset the normal order of things in such a way that the bishop would have no choice except to discipline whoever it was who complained.

In addition, and while it wasn’t quite the same, the fact that Mark was now a member of the minor clergy effectively inoculated me from complaints about him and Alyssa caring for Rachel, as, once again, the bishop would be compelled to protect his clergy. That didn’t solve the entire problem, but it would help.

Once Rachel had been submerged three times, Serafima put a diaper on her, and dressed her in a white baptismal gown.

Following Rachel’s baptism, we served the Divine Liturgy, and when it was time for the Eucharist, Serafima brought Rachel to the bishop to be the first to partake. Bishop JOHN used the spoon to put a tiny amount of the consecrated bread and wine in Rachel’s mouth, and said the usual prayer.

“The handmaiden of God, Rachel, partakes of the precious and all-holy Body and Blood of our Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ, unto the remissions of sins and unto life everlasting.”

“Amen,” Serafima said on Rachel’s behalf.

After the Divine Liturgy concluded, everyone gathered in the parish hall for a banquet to celebrate Mark’s ordination and Rachel’s baptism. For me, what should have been a purely joyous occasion was bittersweet, as Elizaveta should have been with me, celebrating the baptism of our first child.

“Are you OK, Deacon?” Bishop JOHN asked.

“I was just thinking that Elizaveta should have been here,” I said, taking a tissue from the pocket of my cassock to dab my eyes.

“If you need some time alone, please, take it.”

“No, I’ll be fine,” I replied. “Thank you for your concern, Vladyka.”

“Always, Mischa.”

When the banquet concluded, I retrieved Rachel from Elias and Serafima, then finally had a chance to speak to Sheila, who had come in just as Matins was starting. She’d stayed for the entire service and the banquet, which I appreciated.

“Hi,” I said. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t speak to you before now.”

“It’s OK! You were busy with your duties, and I’m positive your bishop wanted you close to him.”

“That’s true. What did you think?”

“It was LONG!” she said, shaking her head. “You’ve been doing this since you were a baby, right?”

“Yes. Today was a bit longer than usual because of the baptism, but three to four hours is the norm, as I said.”

“I’m curious; what would it take to have Michael baptized?”

“A conversation with a priest and likely the bishop. If that’s something that truly interests you, we can discuss it, though please not today.”