Chapter 15: It’s Either Laugh or Cry

September 24, 1987, Greater Cincinnati and Rutherford, Ohio

“Hi, Ang,” I said when she opened the door.

“Hi, Mike! Come in, please!”

I carried Rachel, who was in her carrier, into the house. Angie led us to the living room and offered me something to drink. I chose Sprite, to avoid any caffeine, as I’d had coffee earlier in the day.

“Where’s your mom?” I asked as I sat down.

“She had some errands to run. She’ll be home in about fifteen minutes. She trusts you more than anyone.”

I smiled, “That’s nice, but I was thinking it was more that she trusted you enough to leave you alone.”

“She’s started doing that recently, but for no more than an hour. Let me get your Sprite.”

She went to the kitchen and came back, handing me the opened bottle.

“I spoke to Father Stephen,” she said. “He suggested that I take things one step at a time, and pointed out that things like being home alone earn my mom’s trust. He thinks I should wait another month or so, then ask if I could get my license so I could drive to church.”

“That sounds like a reasonable approach,” I said. “The real difficulty will be having your psychiatrist sign off, which I think he has to.”

“I know,” Angie replied. “Though I could also petition a judge directly, right?”

“Yes, but if your psychiatrist tells the judge ‘no’, the judge will most likely follow what he says. I do have a question about that — is the psychiatrist one you chose, or one assigned by the state?”

“We chose, from a list the state gave my parents. We have to use one of the ones on that list or the state won’t pay for it.”

I nodded, “That makes sense. The problem I foresee is that any doctor on that list is going to be predisposed to recommending against it. I think the only possible path to success is to convince Doctor Mercer, which is not going to be easy.”

“But you’ll help, right?”

“As much as I’m able.”

“How do you think I am?”

“I don’t see you very often,” I replied, “but you’re very similar to how you were when we first met at Taft. The fact that you’re basically only taking a sleeping pill tells me that, at least from a layman’s perspective, you’re doing really well. But I’m sure Doctor Mercer has expressed her opinion.”

“She has,” Angie sighed. “But it seems no matter how well I am, the fact that I might have trouble in the future means I can’t change anything. But what if it’s a long time, years even, before I have to take medication again? What if I never have to, but never had a chance to live my life?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Ang,” I replied. “I’m on your side, but I’m not a doctor, and even if I was, psychiatry isn’t going to be my specialty. I’ll help you in any way I can, including speaking with Doctor Mercer.”

“Thank you,” Angie said with a smile. “Let me raise it with my mom in a few weeks and see how she reacts.”

“That sounds like the best strategy.”

“How are you doing?”

“OK,” I replied. “I’m struggling, of course, and Doctor Smith has me on Seconal, which has allowed me to sleep, though I can’t take it once my trauma rotation begins.”

“That’s the same thing I’m taking. Who watches Rachel?”

Seconal was going to be a problem, as she couldn’t drive after taking it. That said, it wasn’t something that blocked her from getting a license, it just meant she couldn’t drive for twelve hours after she’d taken it. But that was a problem for a different day.

“Alyssa and Serafima are switching off, and I have help from Lara and Tasha if I need it.”

I heard a door open, and then Mrs. Stephens called out, “Hello!”

I heard the rustling of bags from the kitchen, then Mrs. Stephens came into the room.

“Hi, Mike. How are you?”

“I think the only answer to that is to say that I’m taking each day as it comes. It’s been challenging.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine. You know that if there is anything we can do to help, we will.”

“Thanks.”

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll make us some lunch.”

“Of course,” I replied.

We had a nice lunch, and after we ate, Angie and I took a walk, pushing Rachel in her stroller, which I had in the car. When we finished our walk, I said ‘goodbye’ to Mrs. Stephens, then Angie helped me get Rachel settled in the car.

“OK to hug you?” Angie asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

Angie gave me a full-body hug, something she hadn’t done since Taft. I hugged her back, lightly, then got into the car and headed for Rutherford. I had some time to kill before I could meet my dad, so I drove to Jackson Lake and found a nice spot in the shade to relax. While we were there, I fed Rachel, and changed her diaper, but otherwise, I just lay in the grass, relaxing. I wouldn’t have too many opportunities like this once I started Residency,

Just after 5:00pm, we left the park and headed to my dad’s house. He held Rachel for a bit, and I held my half-brother. As usual, Holly didn’t say much and seemed uncomfortable, but that was not my problem. I had accepted the situation, and I’d honor my dad’s decision to father a child and marry Holly, because I wanted him to honor my choices — both in the past and in the future.

When I left my dad’s house, I headed to my grandparents’ house for an evening with my mom, Stefan, Liz, Paul, and my grandparents. We had a nice meal, then I headed back to McKinley so that I could get a good night’s sleep.

September 25, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

“What’s your plan for this afternoon?” Lara asked when she arrived at the cottage on Friday morning so we could have breakfast together.

I’d had another good night of sleep, and had gone to bed early so I could be up early.

“Nothing, really,” I said. “Obviously, we have to wait for the rocking chair to be delivered, and we’re having dinner at the Chinese restaurant, but otherwise, I didn’t have a plan. Was there something you wanted to do?”

“No. Who’s watching Rachel this evening?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Sokolov will come here. I’ll come to get Rachel after dinner and Serafima and Elias have the overnight duty.”

“Good. Speaking of babysitting, I did give some thought to taking karate lessons. I think it would be fun, but that creates a babysitting problem for you.”

“Saturdays are covered, because I’m going to leave Rachel with my in-laws and Anna for band practice and karate. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I’m sure I could work something out. I really can’t ask you to watch Rachel all day, then also in the evening.”

“I signed up for this!” Lara said. “And it’s good practice for a few years down the road when I have my own!”

“Got any prospects?” I asked with a grin and an arched eyebrow.

Lara laughed, “I am NOT taking that bait! No way! No how!”

“Coward!” I teased.

“Ask me that question again if you decide to request to be laïcized.”

Which was the answer to my question, and we both knew it. It didn’t surprise me, any more than it would surprise me for Tasha to make the same statement. I hadn’t reached any final conclusions, but I was certainly leaning towards asking to be laïcized because I wanted a mom for Rachel. Both Lara and Tasha fit the bill, and in either case, I knew we were compatible. It was more a question of timing than anything. I wasn’t really ready for something like that, but I also didn’t want to wait years before Rachel had a full-time mom. Of course, every time I thought about that, it made me sad, because it should have been Elizaveta fulfilling that role, but that wasn’t to be.

“You OK?” Lara asked.

“Whenever I think about that question, I keep coming back to how Rachel lost a mom and I lost a wife, and the enormousness of it all.”

“I’m no expert,” Lara said, “but grieving is a difficult thing, and you have to do it, but you also have to avoid depression, which you have. In your case, you are eminently practical and logical, and those run counter to your heart. You were never going to be a romantic person because it’s just not your nature. I’m not saying you didn’t love Elizaveta with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul, but you struggled with romance.”

“True,” I admitted.

“You’re behaving true to form, Mike. And that’s a good thing, even if it seems a bit cold or whatever someone wants to call it.”

“Has someone called it that?”

“No, it was something Clarissa and I discussed, but not in a critical way. You know we just want to help you in any way we can.”

“I know,” I replied. “I’m not bothered by it, unless you wannabe «бабушки» (babushki) are deciding my future.” (“grandmothers”)

Lara laughed, “I think that might be a cage match like the World Wrestling Federation has!”

“That might be interesting,” I grinned. “If I get to decide the rules!”

Lara laughed, “Now there is the Mike we all know and love.”

“I’m not wearing my cassock and I’m in my own home, so I have a bit more freedom.”

“And right there is my major problem with your decision to accept ordination.”

“I know. We had a long talk about that before I was accosted by a determined fifteen-year-old!”

“Poor baby!” Lara teased, then frowned, “Sorry.”

“It’s OK, Lara,” I replied. “It’s the kind of thing you would have said before...”

I took a deep breath as once again the loss hit me hard. I could be practical and logical and then, suddenly, the emotions overwhelmed me. I took a tissue from the box on the coffee table and dabbed my eyes.

“ ... Elizaveta reposed,” I said, completing my sentence.

“Shall we make breakfast?” Lara suggested.

“Yes.”

We worked together to make breakfast, and after we ate, we did the dishes, then Lara helped me clean the cottage. I also fed Rachel, and just before 11:00am, the rocking chair was delivered. I decided to give it an immediate try, and as she had at Doctor Cooper’s house, Rachel cooed as I held her and rocked.

“That’s a beautiful image,” Lara said quietly.

“Rachel gives meaning to my life in the face of emptiness,” I replied.

“When is her checkup?”

“Wednesday morning, and I have my visit with Doctor Smith that afternoon.”

“And you start back at the hospital on Thursday.”

“Yes. You’ll need to be here by 5:30am, please. That gives us time to have a brief chat, and for me to get to the hospital fifteen minutes early so I can run the board with the med student who goes off shift at 6:00am.”

“I’ll be here at 5:30am on the 1st.”

“I really appreciate everything you’re doing, Lara.”

“It’s a team effort,” she replied. “We all love you and we’ll help you get through this.”

I got up, put Rachel in her crib, picked up my guitar, and played With a Little Help from My Friends, then we had lunch. After lunch, I let Lara know I’d like some time alone, so she left. I played my guitar, cared for Rachel, and about 5:30pm, Mr. and Mrs. Sokolov arrived.

After ensuring they knew where I kept all of Rachel’s things, I left for the Chinese restaurant, where the extended gang was meeting — Clarissa and Tessa, Jocelyn and Gene, Mark and Alyssa, Elias and Serafima, Robby and Sophia, Fran and Jason, José and Dona, Pete, Tasha, Peter, and Maryam. Nadine was on shift, so she couldn’t join us.

Because of the size of the group, they seated us in their ‘overflow’ dining room where tables could be pushed together, unlike the booths and large round tables in the main dining room. We had a great meal, and after we finished, we discussed what to do.

“Can you go to a movie, Mike?” Fran asked. “Jason and I want to see Fatal Attraction.”

“I’d love to,” I replied, “but I need to be up early tomorrow for band practice, and I have to get Rachel to my in-laws’ house then come back to Taft.”

“We can take her in the morning on our way home,” Serafima offered. “That’ll save you twenty minutes, at least.”

“What’s the run time?” I asked.

“Two hours,” she replied.

“An 8:00pm showtime would mean I’d get back to Doctor Blahnik’s house around 11:00pm after I get Rachel, which wouldn’t give me enough sleeping hours according to Doctor Smith. You all should go, but I need to be in bed no later than 10:00pm.”

“We’ll come back with you,” Serafima said. “That’s not a movie I’m particularly interested in seeing.”

“We could pick something else,” Fran offered.

“No, it’s OK,” Serafima replied. “Even a different movie would make the timing difficult, and Doctor Blahnik and Derek are away for the weekend, so Doctor Blahnik isn’t there to check on Mike. Elias will do that.”

“If you’re sure.”

“We are.”

Everyone else agreed with the plan, and when we left the restaurant, I drove home to pick up Rachel. I thanked the Sokolovs, then headed back to Anicka’s house with Rachel. I was surprised to find Tasha at the house, as I’d expected she would go to the movie with everyone else.

“I just wanted some time to talk, Mishka,” she said, clearly reading my reaction in my eyes.

“Let us have Rachel, please,” Serafima said. “Then you can just relax and go to bed when you’re ready.”

“Thanks,” I replied, handing Rachel’s carrier to Elias.

Tasha and I went to the music room, while they took Rachel to the great room.

“How are you doing?” Tasha asked. “The truth, please.”

“When have I ever not told you the truth?”

“You, like all men, have a bad habit of bottling things up inside you instead of expressing them!”

“My Residents and Attendings would strongly disagree!”

“You would be very forthright and direct with them, but I suspect that’s limited to medical things.”

“Yes and no,” I replied. “Doctor Kelly, my Resident in Cincinnati, made the point that she was responsible for my mental and emotional health, at least to the point of evaluating them to ensure I could provide proper patient care. That’s actually what led me to see Doctor Smith and to agree to take the Seconal. And I saw Doctor Mercer yesterday morning.

“I agree, that in the past, I did my best to keep my emotions in check, and came across as cold and logical, but I haven’t done that in this case. Believe it or not, I’m not holding it in, except to the extent I have to when I’m interacting with patients. That said, I do have to hold myself together for Rachel’s sake, and I don’t think anyone can make a legitimate case that I shouldn’t do that.”

“You know I worry about you, Mishka.”

“I do, and I appreciate all the support you’ve given me.”

“Have you given thought to what you’re going to say to the bishop when he’s here in two weeks?”

“I do not plan to make any changes in the short term,” I replied. “I think I’ve made it clear to Clarissa, Lara, and you, as well as Doctor Mercer, that my priority is Rachel, and what’s best for her. I think that means she needs a mom, but the specifics of how, when, and especially who, is not something I’ve considered. And,” I added with a slight smile, “I know when the time comes, you’ll want to throw your hat into the ring. Or, maybe panties is a better word!”

“Mishka!” Tasha squealed. “You’re a deacon!”

“Yes, I am, but I haven’t forgotten how you feel about me,” then added with a smirk, “or how you feel!”

“Mikhail Petrovich!” Tasha reprimanded sternly.

“Now who is not being forthright about their feelings? Hmm?”

“But it’s inappropriate!”

“Compared to September 16, 1983?” I asked.

“You weren’t a deacon then.”

“No, I wasn’t. Will you answer a question honestly?”

“I suppose I have to, don’t I?” she replied with a slight smile.

“Yes, you do. Before, when Serafima said ‘go to bed’ tell me that didn’t cross your mind!”

“I don’t want to answer that question!” Tasha huffed.

“Thereby answering the question!” I replied with a grin.

Tasha frowned, but said nothing.

“I’m not bothered by those thoughts, Tashenka,” I said. “They’re normal. What we do about them, that’s a different story. And you’re right about me being a deacon, and that has to be resolved, one way or the other, before I consider what happens afterwards. And while I am leaning in one direction, I’m still not sure, and I don’t know when I’ll be sure.”

“Mishka,” Tasha asked with a slight smile, “did you think the same thing when Serafima said that?”

“Obviously,” I chuckled, “or I couldn’t have asked you if YOU thought about it!”

“You are very bad, Mishka!”

“And so are you, Tashenka. But let’s talk about something else, please. How is Larisa?”

“Good. She’s with my mom tonight. She’s toddling, and knows a bunch of words, mostly for things she wants!”

“So, the same as any other Russian woman on the planet!”

“One day...”

“What?” I asked with a grin. “Tell me it’s not true!

“I may have to borrow Elizaveta’s flogger, and you will NOT enjoy it!”

“I’m a Russian man,” I chuckled. “I’m used to abuse! Why do you think Russian men drink so much vodka?!”

“You just wait!” Tasha growled.

I laughed, “I’m sure you’ve heard me say that my revenge on my mom will be to become my grandfather!”

Tasha smiled and nodded, “I remember, and he’s a wonderful man, so you could be far worse!”

“Thanks, I think,” I chuckled. “I’m actually going to go to bed, if you don’t mind. I have to be up early in the morning because I’m going to band practice, then to karate.”

“You’re starting again?”

“Yes. And I’ve started running again in the mornings.”

“Good. You need to take care of yourself.”